The RPG Party- Part 12: Attack of the Killer...Whatevers

Featuring Barret, Cid, Deus, Ramsus, Miang, Wild Animals...and Calvin and Hobbes

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Everyone was tired from the Yggdrasil repairs, and the house is asleep. It is noon, but only a singular person is awake...and that person is a bit 'busy:'

Barret: Hmm, what can I do to make this an exciting day?

Voice from the heavens: It shall be memorable.

Barret: *looks up* Huh? Who are you?

Deus: I am Deus, your 'god.' I will take care of everything.

Barret: Really?

Deus: Of course. Now, wake the others up. Don't worry about me.

Barret: WOO HOO!!! *Runs upstairs into bedroom* HEY EVERYONE, WAKE UP!!!! *Everyone's eyes sleepily open*

Fei: Damn it, why are you waking us up so early?

Barret: It's hardly early. It's noon.

Misty: It's NOON! EEEEEEK! I got too much beauty sleep! *Starts jumping on the bed, completely waking everyone up*

Ash: Ugh.....

Cid: @%*(&%(*@#!!!!!!!!!!! Well, guess we should all go downstairs.... *Gets up*

Red XIII: I suppose so. Let us go watch the television.

Brock: Sounds good!

Tifa: I'll be down in a minute... *Everyone goes downstairs, with crazy hair and in their pajamas and struggle for seats in front of the TV*

Ash: Misty, GIVE ME MY SEAT BACK!

Misty: You can go sit on the floor with your pikachu!

Ash: No way! You look like a toad in the morning, you know!

Misty: Why you little- *whams him over the head*

Aeris: I look awful in the morning, too....

Cid: Well, at least your hair doesn't look like Cloud's! *points to his head. His hair is sticking up and, indeed, looks like Cloud's hair*

Brock: *is staring at Tifa*

Tifa: WHAT do you want, Brock?

Brock: You don't wear a bra under that outfit, do you?

Tifa: *looks down* &$@&%@!!!!!!! I forgot to put one on! Nooooo! *runs to the bedroom*

Rico: Say Elly, it seems quieter here than earlier.

Elly: That's becuase Bart, Margie, Sigurd, Bart, and Chu-Chu all left yesterday.

Rico: Oh yeah, right....It's not fair! Whenever I come to a party, everyone else is leaving!

Fei: Since no one else is turning on the TV, I will! *grabs the remote and turns it on*

Ash: Hey, look! It's a pokemon wildlife show!

Pikachu: Pika Pika Pi! (That's my Great Aunt Gertrude!)

Misty: Ooooh, it's a Togepi! *Ash and Misty continue looking at pokemon, scooching toward the TV, until they run into each other*

Ash: Hey, that was MY seat!

Misty: No, MY seat!

Ash: &@%*^@!!!!!!!

Misty: Well, @&%*@# you!

Brock: Oh man, I think I'd better change the channel. *Picks up remote*

Barret: COOL MAN! It's WWF wrestling! *Starts chanting* HOOT, HOOT, HOOT, HOOT!

Elly: Oh man, I can't stand wrestling...

Aeris: Me Either!! *grabs remote from Barret*

Barret: H-Hey!

Cloud: I want the remote!

Cid: No, I do!

Rico: The TV is mine!

Brock: We're watching what I like best!

Fei: Gimme!!

Ash: No, mine, mine, mine! *The guys get in a huge fight for the remote. Tifa comes down*

Tifa: Men.....

Aeris: I really don't think we should be spending our last day like this.

Misty: Well, there must be SOMETHING we can do......

Red: *strains ears* Guys, listen carefully. Do you hear something outside?

Girls: *listen Very Very Carefully*

Tifa: Hmm......It almost

Elly: Sounds like a........

Misty: TIGER!!!!

Aeris: Maybe we should let it in!

Misty: YEAH!!! *opens door. A little boy and his tiger come roaring in. The guys look up*

Barret: *to himself* Yes!!!! The *@%(& fun he promised is finally starting!

Cloud: Did you say something, Barret?

Barret: Uh, no.....

Cloud: Good.

Fei: *Walks over to boy and Tiger* So, just who are you?

Calvin: You've NEVER read our comic strip?? I'm Calvin!

Hobbes: And I'm Hobbes!

Red XIII: I've read the comic strip! But I thought the writer retired.

Calvin: He did! But we still live on! Hobbes is my BEST friend!

Rico: Damn, I thought he was a stuffed tiger.

Hobbes: I feel insulted by the comment! I'll have to eat you!

Rico: You could, but it might be painful. Mutants are much tougher than humans.

Hobbes: Oh....yuck!

Cid: So, why are you here?

Calvin: God was beckoning to us.

Hobbes: It was a sign from the heavens.

Elly: A sign? How peculiar...

Susie: Hi! I'm Susie Derkins, from Calvin and Hobbes.

Calvin: Damn it Susie, you had to come ruin our fun!

Fei: This is *&%#@ boring.

Barret: Yeah really. I thought god had more in mind!

Tifa: Huh?

Barret: Nothing....

Susie: Anyway, Calvin escaped from school to come here. I came to get him back into class.

Calvin: Aww, man!!!!!!

Cloud: Sorry, Calvin. Nice talking to you guys.

Hobbes: GOODBYE! *he and Calvin leave*

Brock: Very peculiar.

Misty: Maybe something more exciting will happen today.

Ash: Yeah, really.......

Cid: I GOT IT!!!!!!!!

Everyone: What?

Cid: WE CAN GO INTO OUTER SPACE!

Aeris: Don't we need a rocket for that, Cid?

Cid: No problem! I'll go make one! *Runs out the the backyard* It will be done by sunset!

Tifa: Hey, that sounds kind of fun.......

Misty: I get plane sick. Would I get rocket sick, too?

Ash: uh, I hate to inturrupt, but......

Rico: But what?

Ash: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THERE'S A BUNCH OF....WHATEVERS COMING!

Everyone: AHHHH!!!!!!!!! *jumps out of the way*

Aeris: What are those things?

Brock: They're khangaskans!

Khangkaskans: Kanka, Kanga, Kangaskan! *Start running around in circles*

Cloud: Shit, they're making this cabin even more beat up!

Pikachu: PIKA!!! (stop!)

Khangaskans: *stop*

Ash: Hey, maybe I can catch one! Pokeball, go! *throws pokemon at a khangaskan. It misses. The pokemon gets extremely angry and runs upstairs.*

Khangaskan: KHANGA!!!!!! *destroys the bed*

Elly: NOO!!! They just destroyed Fei's and my favorite place to sleep together!

Fei: Oh no! That's awful! *starts sobbing*

Rico: Whatever.....so, how can we get these, uh, things out of here?

Red XIII: I don't know, but it's sure not happening, look at what else is coming! *everyone looks*

Tifa: Oh no! It's CHOCOBOS!!! And mad ones!

Cloud: Does anyone have any greens?

Aeris: I never know I'd need them in heaven......

Barret: That %&$@* guy, I'll get him for this!

Misty: Cid is sooooo lucky he's not here.

Chocobos: WARK! WARK! WARK! *start forming a circle around our heroes*

Barret: What the *&%*(%&(@#%*(*@%*^?

Brock: Maybe some of my pokemon could help restrain them. Vulpix, go! Geodude, Go!

Vulipx and Geodude: VulDude? *Start looking at the chocobos and suddenly run over to the Khangaskans, helping in the mess.*

Ash: Great, just great. *looks more closely* Oh, no! PIKACHU!!

Pikachu: *Is running around madly, thundershocking everything in sight*

Red XII: Does anyone have any idea WHY everything decided to come here?

Barret: &@%*(&@%*(!!!!

Aeris: What is it, Barret?

Barret: Uh, uh, nothing! Nada! Really!

Chocobos: Wark! Wark! *Start pecking at everyone madly*

Tifa: Owww!!!

Elly: Hey guys, maybe we could get everyone in our gears to shield us!

Fei: Uh, Elly, the Yggdrasil left, remember?

Elly: Oh, right. *@(%&&(@%!!!!!

Rico: Maybe I can use my body to kill all of them! *Uses steel fist on himself and charges toward a chocobo*

Chocobo: WARRRRKKKK!!! *All chocobos and Khangaskans change in on Rico*

Cloud: Uh-oh.... *Rico charges out the the way, so the animals crash into the wall and break it down*

Barret: Hey, this wasn't in our renting contract! We could get sued!

Khangashanks: *Close in on Aeris and start ripping at her dress*

Aeris: Quit it! That's RAPE!

Misty: It's the Attack of the Killer...Whatevers!!!!

Brock: Yeah, no kidding....

Red XIII: I wish someone would help us!

Male Voice: ALL RIGHT! CUT IT OUT! THEY'VE HAD ENOUGH!

Female voice: Hey, you don't need to shout that loud!

Elly: Damn, those voices sound familiar.... *Two people come up*

Ramsus: Hey everyone.

Miang: What's up?

Tifa: Uh, are you aware of what you guys are wearing? *Ramsus and Miang are both wearing speedo suits*

Ramsus and Miang: Yes.

Cloud: Why are you wearing them?

Ramsus and Miang: The sex was good.

Barret: Whatever you say....

Ramsus and Miang: The sex was very good!

Fei: You came here to tell us that 'the sex was good?'

Miang: You would know, Fei. YOU saw us!

Rico: Oh yeah, remember that? That one time we saw Ramsus and Miang waking up in those speedos...

Aeris: Now THAT'S a scary thought.

Brock: Can I join in? *grins*

Misty: You sicko! *glares at Brock*

Elly: You know Fei, it's been a couple episodes since we....

Fei: I know, but it would kind of be hard to do it right now. Look at this place! *All the walls have crashed down. The cabin is practicallly destroyed*

Ramsus: I hardly came here to watch a bunch of sick exhibitionists, anyway.

Red XIII: So, why are you here?

Miang: We have been called by our God.

Ash: What the %&$#*?

Tifa: How come every single thing here seems to have been called by a god?

Ramsus: Somebody here obviously asked Deus to make the day memorable. Don't you think it's memorable?

Cloud: All right, who's the &%&*^@ That called Deus here?

Barret: Uh, hehe....

Everyone: Barret, you *@%(&@(%#*!!!!!!

Miang: So, your day will be very memorable.

Rico: Uh, that's good...I guess

Ramsus: However, when Deus defined memorable, he didn't mean fun! Mwahahahahaha!!!!

Elly: Oh no! What are you going to do to us?

Miang: You will all die a painful death from our gears! Gears, come here! *the gears show up next to the chocobos*

Fei: &@%*(@#(*!!!!!!

Barret: Sorry, guys.......hehehehehe

Misty: *is praying desperately to the god of pokemon, Mewtwo*

Ramsus: All right Miang, let's hurry this up! We want to go back to the speedo thing!

Miang: Right on, Ramsus! Chocobos and pokemon, attack! *Ramsus and Miang climb into their gears. the Chocobos begin pecking at everyone*

Ash: Everyone, DODGE the attacks!

Brock: Let's see how fast we can run! Come on, it's a contest!

Red XIII: Humans...always getting us into these messes....

The dodging continues for a couple hours. It appears that they will eventually tire out and be stomped to death by Ramsus and Miang's gears. Only one person can save them.....

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Two Hours later, with Cid in the Backyard

Cid: Hmm, this rocket building is going more slowly than I thought. I wonder how I can get this done more quickly?

An odd rhodent: Hey, bro, I can help you.

Cid: Huh? Who are you?

Hammer: Wait a minute, you're not Fei. I'm Hammer, a cool salesman. I sell parts for gears, ships, and even rocket ships.

Cid: You got some stuff to sell me?

Hammer: Actually, I have a rocket right here...some assembly required, of course.

Cid: &@(%*&@!!!!! Oh well, give it to me.

Hammer: here it is. *Takes out rocket* That will be 1 million gil.

Cid: Thanks!

Hammer: Take care! Adios!

Cid: Bye! *Lifts up bag* Oof! This is heavy! *Takes bag off*

And, standing there, is a full size rocket!

Cid: All right! He was *(@%& kidding when he told me it needed assembly! This thing is a beauty! I think I'll go show everyone else so we can go into space! *walks back to house, where he is completely surprised at what he sees*

Cid: Hey, wait a minute! What the hell is going on?

Ramsus: You all must DIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone: Sweat, huff, puff, puff... *Everyone is tiring out. Red XIII just misses getting hit by Miang's gear. Luckily, Aeris notices Cid...*

Aeris: LOOK! It's CID! Cid, help us!

Barret: P-please! This is so &@%(@*#%&@(*)@!!!!!!!!!!!

Cid: Hmmm.....OK, um... *starts thinking*

Fei: Hurry up, Cid!

Cid: I know! How about you all come on my rocket ship!

Elly: You built a rocket ship? *Is almost stepped on by Ramsus' gear* AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Cid: Everyone, RUN!!!!!!! While they're distracted!

Everyone: We're coming!!!! *Everyone starts running with Cid to the ship, some on Red's back*

Ramsus: Hey, where are they going? *Miang stops randomly stomping things and looks*

Miang: *%@(@!!!!!!!! They're running away! Go after them!!!

Ramsus: OK, boss! *They start stomping after them in their gears*

Ash: Oh no! They're coming!

Misty: RUUUUUNNNNNNNN!!

Cid: Here it is! Climb in everyone! *Everyone gets in in time, except...Brock!*

Miang: Get the one remaining straggler!

Brock: I think it's time I say a prayer for help...

Ramsus: Trample him! *Stomps where Brock was standing....only to discover he isn't there!*

Brock: *inside Rocket* Wow, something transferred me in here! There is a god! *kisses the bottom of the rocket ship*

Everyone: Yuck....

Miang: Damn! We failed!

Ramsus: Oh well, who cares? We lost every time in Xenogears!

Miang: Yeah, say, now I get to see you in that speedo suit again!

Ramsus: Same here! YAHOO!!! Let's fly off to a far away place!

Miang: Good idea. Let's fly off! *Miang and Ramsus fly away in their gears, probably to have more 'fun in speedo suits'*

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Inside Cid's Rocket Ship

Cid: 5........4........3............2...........1................ BLAST OFF!!!!!!!!

Red: I'm very relieved we made it.

Rico: Yeah, I've had enough excitement for the day. My normally very strong body is starting to tire.

Tifa: My back hurts.

Cloud: You mean it doesn't hurt every day, Tifa?

Tifa: Shut up! *slaps him*

Fei: Don't you love the feeling of weightlessness, Elly?

Elly: It's great! Say Fei, that gives me a great idea...

Fei: Me too. *grin*

Elly: *very big grin*

Misty: I'm sooo jealous of you, Fei and Elly!

Ash: I'm just about ready to puke.

Cid: So, anyway guys, it looks like we can just fly around until- *is cut off by system announcement*

System voice: Fuel is very low. Land at service station.

Cid: &@(%*&@(*&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That Hammer! He wasn't kidding when he said it needed assembly! That bastard! He should have told me!

Rico: You have to be careful with Hammer, he can get tricky sometimes.

Cid: Well guys, it looks like we're going to land...

Evil Voice: NOT SO FAST!

Aeris: Oh no, what now?

Deus: I am Deus, your god. I have made the day interesting for all of you.

Red XIII: Too interesting...

Deus: And it's about to become more interesting. Ramsus and Miang failed, but I'm not about to! You're not getting out of this party alive! PREPARE TO DIE!

Barret: Damn! It's all my fault! *starts getting all riled up*

Fei and Elly: *Look up from their 'activities'* NOT DEUS!

Deus: You will all suffer! *Starts getting ready to attack*

Cid: I only have one chance to hit him with fuel this low!

Brock: This from the guy that saved me from those gears....

Misty: You never know Brock, you never know...

Cid: All right, here goes!

Deus: You will not hit me, morons!

Cid: 5....4......3......2.......1......FIRE!!! *Just as Deus is about to attack, The beam fires from the rocket...and hits it!*

Deus: GAAAHHHH!!!!!! I underestimated you humans! You win the battle, but not the war! I will be back! *Deus vanishes off in the distance*

Misty: Yay, we did it! *Does a victory dance*

Tifa: Yahoo!

Elly: ALL RIGHT!!!

System voice: You are out of fuel. I repeat, you are out of fuel.

Cid: Well everyone, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we're going down.

Everyone: Yay!

Cid: But the bad news is, we're hitting the ground hard. We're out of fuel.

Everyone: Oh no!

Ash: We're all gonna die!!!!

Cid: Let's all have a silent prayer...oh wait, maybe that's not such a good idea...

Red XIII: *Looks out window* Well, it looks like we're going to hit in 5-4-3-2-1

KABOOM! The rocket hits the ground! Are our heroes doomed? No! It appears they're still alive!

Barret: We're really lucky, that's all I can say.

Cloud: And, luckily, the chocobos are gone.

Aeris: Wow, look! It's getting dark outside! We're going to have to go!

Brock: Cloud, when do we have to leave this house by?

Cloud: Midnight, tonight. *checks watch* It's about 7 pm right now.

Tifa: Say Cloud, we'd better get going. I think it was in the contract that we couldn't damage this place. *Everyone looks at the destroyed walls*

Brock: DAMN!!!!!! We'd better get going so they can't track us! &@%*&^@!!!!!!!!!!

Cid: I can take everyone back in the highwind.

Misty: Good. I was afraid we'd have to walk.

Rico: So, should we all take an hour or so to pack up?

Aeris: Yeah. How about we meet in front of the highwind in an hour? Then we're leaving.

Ash: OK!

Fei: Hey, wait a minute! Elly and I never got to finish what we started!

Elly: Yeah! *pouts*

Everyone: *Groans*

Brock: Can't you at least wait until we drop you off?

Fei and Elly: Uh, I guess...........

Cid: In that case, it's settled! We're leaving this place in an hour! Get packing! *everyone leaves to pack*

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To be continued.................