Disclaimers: I own none of the characters herein contained. I did borrow the number of steps to the royal talan from "Welcome to Rivendell Mr. Anderson" with permission. The rule by Sauron is my version of a real bible verse.

Ellfine : Thank you for your good parenting! I kiss your feet in honor! It's nice to have a parent caring what their children are exposed too. I think I'll cover Lorien in two chapters because there is so much humor available there.

silverkonekotsukariNow, be grateful for what you have my daughter. Remember that when Eru gave humans mortally it was considered a gift. Be happy with the ability to die! Mwhahahahahah! No kidding, if I could choose too I would.

NenyaVilyaNenyaYour name is really interesting, but maybe you should name Narya as well. Anyway, thanks for your review I drink them up!

AnnamariahOh my gosh that would have been so funny! I have up dated Exiled as you know, and as for typos...I'm just too lazy to fix them. Have fun.

Elvin BlueEyesYes, over the mysteries of the female life there is drawn a veil. Best left undisturbed.

MusicalCharlatanI'm not a madam yet. Miss is enough. I'm glad you like it and here's your next chapter.

FweI can't post when I want for the simple reason that I live at home and my parent hate LOTR. They have no idea that I have read the books or seen the movies even. I write and post when I have the chance i.e. when they're not home. I'm glad that you understood the need for humor; sometimes people who write humor don't understand that they need breaks in the hilarity as well.

frodofreak88Deep breathes child! Deep breathes!

TheAmazingTecnocolorRingWraithSnigger, snigger. That's great! I love Celeborn. By the way, your name is rocking awesome.

GeorgiannaAhhhh, well, that's sweet of you.

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Chapter Seven

Men are from Lorien, Women are from ?

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Rules for gender Change By the One Ring Of Sauron

7.) Yea, the Galadhrim opened their mouth wide against the Fellowship, and said, Aha, aha, our eye hath seen it all now. Woe unto those foolish Galadhrim, for their distraction shall come upon them swiftly, on the wings of a woman's wrath.

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As the Fellowship, bedraggled and sorrowful, moved toward the borders of Lothlorien, the Galadhrim were falling into each other's arms with laughter. Four brothers in particular were fairly weeping with laughter as the eight fellowship members entered the fringes of Lorien.

Well, the three oldest were laughing, the youngest brother, a skinny, reedying looking youth was all sympathy for them. He was shorter and red haired unlike his older brothers, and he had the bad habit of taking himself much too seriously.

Right now he was frowning severely on his three oldest brothers trying to shame them into silence. Instead, Saelbeth only looked like he had eaten something very sour.

"Oh for the Valar's sake." Orophin wheezed, "I can't believe this is happening!"

"Look at Estel! He's positively ravishing!" Rumil added, "And those poor halfings look so miserable."

Haldir was struggling valiantly to bite back the laughter that pulled at the corners of his mouth. But the sight of the tall rangerly looking woman and the study red haired woman carrying the littlest hobbit lass was too much for even his usually stoic persona.

"Shut your mouths!" he ordered sharply, his smile betraying his real feelings, "Lady Galadriel said to welcome the Fellowship and bring them before her and Lord Celeborn."

"But she never said anything about they're being…being…" Rumil could not finish as he leaned on the talan wall for support.

'Men!" Orophin squeaked.

"I know." Haldir said, "But …that is entirely beside the point."

"I should say that is entirely the point." Orophin chortled gleefully. Saelbeth frowned and stalked passed his siblings with his best imitation of Haldir.

"Well, I think you're behavior has been horrible." he squeaked, "Lady Galadriel would be ashamed of you. Those poor women need help. Why, they're almost collapsing from exhaustion!"

Haldir snapped to attention and smacked his other brothers on the back of the head, "Alright you two! That's enough. Now, go and fetch the rest of the Galadhrim from the talans near and we'll greet them."

The two ellons slipped through the branches still giggling slightly. Haldir nodded to his youngest brother. "That was well done Saelbeth. I am…." Haldir too a deep breath forcing the smile from his face, "…quite impressed with your control. It was quite suitable."

Saelbeth nodded and puffed his narrow chest with proud. "I suppose we must go down now."

"Right." Haldir agreed but as they moved over the talan floor Haldir laid a hand on his brother's arm, "Do you hear that?"

Saelbeth cocked his head to the side and heard the wheezy rasp of harsh breathing. Saelbeth's eyes went wide with confusion.

"What in Middle earth is that?" he asked.

Haldir listened a moment more and said, "It's the dwarf."

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Boromir felt uneasy. Ever since they had entered the golden forest of Lothlorien she had the strangest sensation that they were being watched, and not by orcs.

"Did you hear that?" she asked, whirling around her eyes searching the topmost leaves. Aragorn shook her head and motioned for the Gondorian to keep moving, "I tell you I could have swore to hearing someone laughing!"

"Boromir." Aragorn whispered, "Do not upset the hobbits. It's bad enough as it is, Pippin only now stopped crying."

"Oh, sorry." she apologized. She looked back at the youngest hobbit and saw that she had finally stopped weeping. All the hobbits were red eyed and exhausted, but then again they all were. Boromir and Aragorn had been overwhelmed with their own grief at the loss of the wizard. Each had known the kindly Istari since they were children….and boys.

In a bizarre twist of things, Gimli had cried the hardest. The double grief of losing her cousin and the wizard she had wept most volubly for the hour after they left the mountains of Moria. Aragorn had finally managed to calm her reminding the dwarf that they may be tracked by orcs.

Now Gimli was being unhelpful with comments like, "Stay close, young hobbits. They say that a great sorceress lives in these woods. An Elf-witch of terrible power. All who look upon her, fall under her spell."

"Gimli," Legolas hissed.

The dwarf ignored her, "And are never seen again. Well, here's one Dwarf she won't ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a hawk and ears of a fox."

Suddenly the air was spilt by a high pitched scream from Pippin that had all the elves clapping their hands over their sensitive ears. The women of the Fellowship backed into a tight group finding themselves surrounded by the gleaming golden arrows of the Galadhrim.

Aragorn was thrilled! This meant that a good friends was nearby! But as the Dúnedain looked for the familiar face of the Marchwarden, however, he was no where to seen. Just then the sound of a stifled laugh came from behind a tree and then the Marchwarden appeared his face set and his eyes trained just over their heads.

"The dwarf breaths so loud we could have shot him …her in the dark." Haldir said. The slip was too much for one of the archer who began to laugh into his sleeve. Haldir barked, "Out Rumil! You're relieved of duty for the rest of the year!"

Haldir bowed to Legolas and introduced himself, "Mae govannen, Legolas heir of Greenwood the great."

Aragorn couldn't help but admire the smoothing over of ruffled feathers by this greeting. The tension that had bristled when the Marchwarden spoke to the elleth disappeared as she entered his bow with something like a curtsy.

"Govannas vîn gwennen le, Haldir o Lórien."

Aragorn would have hugged Haldir as she was accustomed to do but now. Haldir bowed again to the Dúnedain woman and said, "Welcome back Aragorn Dúnedain, it has been too long."

"So much for the legendary courtesy of the elves." Gimli huffed, "You could speak to the rest of us as well."

Haldir looked far down till his eyes met those of the irate dwarf, "We have not had dealing with the dwarves since the dark days." he said heavily.

At that another one of the elves cracked up and said, "And we've never had dealings with dwarf women before either! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

At that the Fellowship snapped. The strain of the last few days had been far too much to deal with farther insult. They flung themselves into the surrounding Galadhrim and arrows flew harmlessly into trees as the elves went down under the flying hobbits, dwarf and men.

Legolas neatly landed her fist into Rumil's mouth while kneeing another one of the ellon's in the gut. The hobbits beaned two Galadhrim out cold with a few handy rocks, while Boromir took Saelbeth and Orophin on a fit of rage. She flung he shield into Orophin's surprised face and tackled Saelbeth with the skill of years of wrestling training.

That's what you get for giving me that glad eye you pervert!" she yelled as she threw him to the ground and twisted his arm behind his back.

Before Haldir and Aragorn could stop them the poor Galadhrim had been thoroughly bitten, scratched, hit and kicked by the irate fellowship. Gimli was the last one pulled away from a struggling ellon who she had managed to back into a corner and was threatening with her axe.

"That's enough of this!" Aragorn shrieked.

The Fellowship froze and in a spilt second were imprisoned by another detachment of the Galadhrim who appeared from nowhere at Haldir's signal. Each hobbit was held by a single solider and the dwarf and Boromir each earned themselves three guards. Legolas meantime had been pinioned by four hefty looking ellons with grime expressions.

"I hope we'll have no of this." Aragorn said calmly glaring from one Fellowship member to the next, "This is Caras Galadhon. The heart of Elvendom on earth. Realm of the Lord Celeborn and of Galadriel, Lady of Light. And I except you to behave like it!"

The Fellowship was escorted through the paths of Lothlorien by the Galadhrim. Haldir walked ahead of them all so he could indulge in a small smile. Poor Saelbeth, he was not doubt disillusioned about women now. Exhaustion! They were a small army for Valar's sake! He always wondered by human women and dwarves were never allowed to fight, if they had been they wouldn't be fighting Sauron now.

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It was late in the night when the Fellowship finally reached the Talan of the Lord and Lady of Lothlorien. The stairs were so numerous that Merry began to cry with exhaustion. Without a word Haldir scooped up the crying hobbit and carried her to the top of the 243 steps.

Merry pressed her face against the Marchwarden's shoulder and dried her tears, wishing for all the world to be anywhere but Lothlorien. But soon they reached the meeting room where the Lady and Lord entered in a halo of silver light. As if a benediction had been said over the Fellowship, weariness dropped away if only for a moment.

Lord Celeborn bowed to the women and spoke "The enemy knows you have entered here. What hope you had in secrecy is now gone. Eight there are here, yet nine there were set out from Rivendell. Tell me, where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him. I can no longer see him from afar."

Tears began to flow again as Galadriel spoke softly, "Gandalf the Grey did not pass the borders of this land. He…" Galadriel stopped, blushed and hurried on, "she has fallen into shadow."

At his wife's mistake Celeborn had remained perfectly calm but a vein in his neck twitched as he choked on laughter. He was sorry for the Istari he truly was, but laughter will surface at the most inopportune times.

"He was taken by both shadow and flame." Legolas sobbed, "A Balrog of Morgoth, for we went needlessly into the net of Moria." And then the daughter of Thranduil cast a dirty look at Frodo and Gimli.

"Needless were none of the deed of Gandalf in life. We do not yet know his…her…his… full purpose." Galadriel blustered, "Do not let the great emptiness of Khazad-dûm fill your heart, Gimli, son … child of Glóin. For the world has grown full of peril and in all lands love is now mingled with grief."

Boromir, who had been trying her hardest to hide behind Aragorn suddenly found herself staring deep into the eyes of the Lady of Light. All the fears and pain of the last days, combined with the hopelessness of the quest caused her to break down. Her cropped hair fell around her face as she began to cry. Aragorn laid a comforting hand on her shoulder but the Gondorian shrugged off the Dúnedain.

"The Quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail to the ruin of all." Celeborn said, "Yet hope remains while Company is true."

At her husband's words Galadriel smiled brightly upon Sam who blushed furiously and looked away. She motioned to Haldir who still held the now sleeping Merry in his arms.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled, go now and rest, for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. Tonight, you will sleep in peace..." She looked to Celeborn who took the sleeping hobbit from the Marchwarden.

"Come, we will show you where you may rest." he said.

The Fellowship followed the two elves out of the talan casting last looks back toward the beautiful lady of light.

"Uh…Can I use the bathroom?" Pippin suddenly asked.