Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue. Also, this is a CRACK!FIC people! Meaning, it's not to be taken seriously, so don't go gettin' yer knickers in a twist about it, yeah? kthnx

A/N: Written for my lurvely beta, abigail89, over at LJ who wanted some Ron/Squid lovin'. Enjoy!

One True Pairing

TheGiantSquid

A morose Ron Weasley was sitting morosely by the lake at Hogwarts on a morose looking day. The sky was cloudy and overcast and overacted. A rumble in the distance beyond the mountains indicated that a storm was brewing.

Either that, or Ron was hungry. More likely the latter.

Ron sighed and blinked a few times as the water lapped at the shore's edge before swallowing. The redhead was sad, and not just sad as in being slightly pathetic but sad in a "my pygmy puff just got run over by a hippogriff" kind of way.

Except while no pygmy of his had been killed, his heart might as well have been trampled on by said hippogriff anyway.

Hermione was gone.

A great sob escape his throat and quickly scampered away.

It's not fair, he thought fiercely, pulling a muscle. She left me! She promised she'd never leave!

But Hermione was gone. She'd left him...for a Hufflepuff.

Goddamn bitch was in the greenhouse making out with Ernie Macmillan.

With a scowl, Ron stood and began hurtling rocks viciously across the water's surface. The water did not appreciate this at all and retaliated by sending a ten foot wave at him.

Now soaked to the bone, Ron let out a guttural scream and in a fit of rage, ran straight towards the lake and dived harshly into the water. He kicked violently as he swam, hoping to cause as much damage to the water as possible, completely ignoring that water could not feel.

Anyway, Ron continued to swim, somehow miraculously finding it unnecessary to breathe, until he found himself near the center of the lake.

And then he saw it.

The squid.

The giant squid.

Ron screamed, but all that came out was a burst of bubbles, which bustled quickly towards the surface. However, the noise caught the squid's attention and it turned its bulging eyes to Ron. Struck dumb, which wasn't much of a striking, Ron just floated there speechless...

The squid was beautiful. Its skin was an alabaster, porcelain, pearl-like color, except grey, and its tentacles went all the way up. The phallic pointy head was smooth and strangely arousing.

They watched each other warily and cautiously and various other adjectives before swimming slowly towards one another. When they were finally close enough, Ron reached out a tentative hand and stroked the squid's phallic smooth head. The squid purred and thrust closer to Ron.

Smiling in his evil-like way, Ron continued to pet the squid. In the meantime, the squid's tentacles had found their way to Ron's legs and were caressing his skin. Ron shivered.

"I'm Ron," he said, though it came out more as "gurlgembbggggll."

The squid batted its eyes and slowly moved its tentacles up Ron's legs until they rested on his arse, where they proceeded to take a nap.

"I want to have your babies," Ron continued. Despite being underwater, most likely hallucinating from the lack of oxygen to the brain, he knew this fact to be true, as most facts are. He wanted to have the squid's many little squids, biology be damned. Books and school and all that shite had been for Hermione. Slut.

Anyway, the squid looked amused by Ron's gurgled words, but shook its head sadly. Ron, heartbroken for the second time in one hour, flew into another fit of rage and quickly kicked the squid away.

"I hate you all!" he bellowed through tears, and hurtled towards the water's surface. After swimming back to the shore, Ron collapsed under a tree and sobbed for what felt like hours. Eventually, he fell asleep, determined never to get involved with another female again. Several hours later, Harry came upon his friend underneath the tree, sleeping. Sighing and gasping, Harry then tucked himself back into his trousers and walked away, whistling. Ron was never the wiser.

The end of the beginning of the end of time.