INTRO

We zoom in to the giant factory, and go in through the chimney, which will be a plot point later on. After diving right into a vat of chocolate, we see a whole bunch of crazy crap going on, proving that Tim Burton's obsessed with making overly-complex gadgets to do simple stuff. Oh! And we get to see Johnny Depp's hand for five seconds.

Rabid Depp fangirls: OMG he's sooooooo hawt!

The trucks carry away the candy, plus the Golden tickets, to parts unknown. They pass a very sad-looking boy.

Disembodied Narrator: This is the story of Charlie Bucket, who was dirt-poor, lived in a shack, and ate cabbage. Life sucked, but hey, he was the luckiest boy alive.

Charlie:……that's messed up.

AT HOME

Mrs. Bucket is cooking something nasty in a pot, the grandparents are being old in bed, and Charlie's drawing pictures in his textbook. Mr. Bucket comes in.

Mr. Bucket: I smell like fluoride. KISS ME!

Mrs. Bucket: At least you don't smell like cabbage. Speaking of which, soup's done.

Mr. Bucket: Charlie, I brought you a present!

Charlie: What! Clothes that actually fit?

Mr. Bucket: Nope! Wonky toothpaste caps! pulls them out

Charlie:….Thanks. Oh! picks one up This one's perfect for my Willy Wonka shrine of crazy! pulls it out and attaches it

All: stare at it

Grandpa George: Am I the only one creeped out by that?

Grandpa Joe: Wow, it looks just like him, and I know that because of this nifty backstory! I worked for Wonka a long time ago, back when I wasn't so wrinkly.

Charlie: you did?

Grandma Josephine: He did!

Grandpa George: He did!

Grandma Georgina: I SHALL RULE YOU ALL! BWAHAHA!

20 YEARS AGO

Apparently, Willy Wonka got his start in a really tiny shop on some street somewhere. Grandpa Joe looks great in an apron

Grandpa Joe voice-over: Ok, so he got his start in this really little shop, but the whole world wanted him.

Fans: WHAT ELSE IS NEW!

Young Wonka: I don't have a silly haircut yet. W00t!

Chocolate bird: WHASSUUUUUUUUUUP!

Grandpa Joe: The dude was a genius. Not a deranged psychopath. Honest.

Me: Riiiiiiiiiight.

15 YEARS AGO

We're back outside the factory. The chimney looms overhead. Yeah, that's a future plot point.

Grandpa J.: So anyway, he decided to open up a huge factory, 50 times bigger than all the rest. If you can't tell yet, he's a bit eccentric.

Charlie: Naaw, DUH.

Grandpa J.: So long story short, people stole his secrets and he closed the factory, and no one's been in or out for the past 15 years. Spooky, eh?

Charlie: But then, who works there?

Grandpa J.: Space aliens. Now go to bed, Charlie.

Charlie: But I wanna obsess over Wonka some more!

All: BED!

Charlie: grumbles and climbs up to his room

Room: is basically a Wonka-shrine, with drawing of the factory and candy wrappers taped to the wall

Charlie/Wonka shippers: WE LOVE YOU TIM BURTON!

NEXT DAY

Little signs are put up all over the place that announce a candy contest. Five golden tickets are hidden in five chocolate bars all over the world. The world goes bananas looking for them, including a very humorous scene involving two chickens and a goat.

Grandpa J.: Wouldn't it be great to find a golden ticket?

Charlie: yeah, but I only get one bar a year.

Fans: FEEL THE ANGST AND TREMBLE.

Mrs. Bucket: well, it's your conveniently placed birthday next week Charlie! You might win it then!

Grandpa George: nope, he hasn't gotta chance. I will eat these words before the movie's done.

THE FINDING OF THE GOLDEN TICKETS

The first ticket was found in Germany, despite the non-denominational feel of the book. This has happened in both films.

Augustus Gloop: I am fat and one-dimensional. Let me stuff my face on-camera. does so

The next was found in England. See earlier note.

Veruca Salt: I am snobby and spoiled beyond comprehension, but aren't I adorable!

Next one's found in Georgia.

Violet Beauregarde: I TOTALLY kick butt. Oh, and I like gum.

Denver next.

Mike TeeVee: I'm way more of an obnoxious brat than either of the two previous versions. Ph33r my l33t gaming sk1llz. DIE!

Wonka:….I'm doomed.

BIRTHDAY!

Mrs. Bucket: I try to dampen the impending disappointment, but it doesn't work.

Charlie: I am hesitant to open this.

All: the suspense is killing me.

Charlie: opens it carefully

Chocolate Bar: Sorry Mario, but your princess is in another castle.

Charlie: Dangit! Oh well, at least we can all get cavities. gives some to the rest of the family

Grandparents: If we're too old to walk, there's no way we could actually eat this.

Charlie: Sucks to be you! eats

NEXT DAY

Charlie's standing outside of the factory looking up at it. He sniffs the air.

Charlie: Mmm….I love the smell of Wonka in the morning.

C/W shippers: drool

Gay guy: I have a really tiny dog. Oh! And I come bearing angsty news. The last ticket was found in Russia.

Charlie: SOB

Money: Oh stop you sniveling.

Charlie: Despite my crushing poverty, and ignoring that this much money could feed my family for a month, I'm gonna go buy me some candy! rips the wrapper

Golden ticket: Hi there!

Charlie: OMG I TOTALLY DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!

Fans: DUH.