A/N: I completely forgot where I am going with this, I forgot about Sarah's other life's and all those plans' I had. So, uhm . . . where am I? I don't know, I am just doing this chapter by chapter, so right now I am going to try and tie things together so they make sense. Wish me luck!
This chapter is meant to show Sarah's childhood and the similarities between her and Linda.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Labyrinth!
Chapter 5: Fault's of the Mother Part Two
The birth was excruciating, I brought her into the world screaming. I don't know whose scream's were louder; hers, mine or Robert's. The after birth, however, was simple. I was too focused on watching the nurse cleanse the blood from my daughter. Aside from the blip of machines and soft gurgling of water as they washed her, there was silence. An almost deafening silence after all the demands that I push, and my screams of pain.
Roberts hand gripped mine in awe, although I hardly noticed the crushing of my fingers. I was completely enthralled with staring at her purple-grey form. She looked like an alien, my perfect purple alien.
The nurse's rubbed her with a towel and wrapped her in a fluffy white blanket, she slowly pinked, whining with the cold. My heart twisted with every whimper of distress she uttered. Robert turned away from the baby at last and pressed his lips to mine passionately, washing my face with his river of tears.
"Oh Linda . . . " He whispered gratefully as they placed her bundled form in his arms, his eyes shining with supreme joy. "She's gorgeous." He brushed his lips over her forehead and laid her on my breast. My weak arms clasped her to me, never wanting to let go.
And that's when the terror struck me.
This world was a horrible place, with pollution, murder, gangs, drugs, war. How could I ever let her outside when every child rapist awaited her in the bushes? How could I bring such a perfect being into this purgatory?
The doctor reached for her, wanting to take her to be checked over. The nurse with a clipboard asked Robert if she was named yet.
"No!" I snapped viciously at the doctor. I hadn't been separated from her in nine months, how dare this thief try to take her from me! At my distress Robert glared at the doctor, he understood my pain and wrapped his arms around us both protectively. "What is it?" He asked, keeping a suspicious eye on the too-calm doctor.
"I don't trust her! Don't let her take my baby from me!" I sobbed, tears tripping down my face. "Honey. She has to take her for a minute. To make sure she's healthy and give her-her immunization shot's."
My heart clenched, they wanted to stick needles in my baby's perfect skin. They wanted to take her and hurt her. "Robert! Don't let them! Please! Don't take her away from me!" I screeched as the evil doctor took her from my arms. My body trembled and shook, a whine came hysterically from my throat. And the baby began crying, feeling my distress as acutely as I did, and I hated being the source of her tears.
Robert grasped my hands in his warm grip as the devil-doctor left the room, "What's wrong with her?" He barked at the nurse who was conspicuously filling a syringe.
"This is very common," She calmly replied, "the birth has exhausted her body and she is having an extreme surge of hormones. I'm just going to give her a sedative so she can rest." She pressed the needle into my I.V. drip and I tried to fight it, but just kept getting dizzier. Robert kept whispering, "I love you." And with those sweet words soothing my nerves, I fell into the welcoming arms of sleep.
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I had no dreams I slept, just a general heaviness. A feeling of being trapped in a stone casket. I was tense, my form stiff and aching when I woke. Robert was sitting in the chair next to the bed, gently rocking the tiny bundle of our daughter. He stared at her, completely enchanted, I reached out and lay my hand upon the bend of his elbow, my fingertips brushing the soft blanket our baby was wrapped in.
His eyes shot up and locked with mine, "What shall we name her?" He whispered.
I looked into her alert black eyes, "Her eyes are so dark." I stated absently. Roberts eyes were caramel and mine a deep jade. How could hers be so dark?
"Babies' eyes are usually black or blue. They change." He said, ever-knowing. I grinned exhaustively at him, "You know everything, don't you." He laughed and looked back at the silent child, "I don't know what to name her." He said, before counting her fingers and toes out loud, then kissing each one.
"I thought we agreed on Eva Dawn Williams." I said.
Then frowned as he studied her. "But she doesn't seem like her first name should be Eva." His eyes twinkled at me in the oddest way, "But it's a wonderful name for some." He said to her, she flung a chubby baby fist at him which he caught and kissed.
He sat on the corner of my bed and placed her in my arms, and I could finally take a breath. All the pain of her birth was put away, not forgotten, just put in a drawer to contemplate at another time. I pushed back the fluffy blanket surrounding her and was able to look at her in leisure.
Her skin was a flushed pink (from the distress of coming into the world no doubt.) Her fingers and toes were tiny with little nails, no larger than a speck of sand. Her hair was thick and almost black. I couldn't believe how soft her skin was, softer than the thinnest spun silk. It was the same color and texture as the skin of a peach.
"How about Hanna?" Robert suggested, I shifted uncomfortably. She (Hanna?) Kept pushing against my breasts with her head. They were swollen and heavy, they were so tender. The baby pushed her mouth into the center of my breast and I yelped. After not getting what she wanted, she (Hanna?) began whimpering pitifully.
She (Hanna?!) was startled for a moment by the noise that erupted from her, but that did not deter her from her sudden noise making. Her face crumpled in despair and she (Hanna?) began to howl.
This made me cry, I had hurt my baby. She (Hanna?) had hit her soft head against my hard breast and it was painful and her little brain was jingling in her soft head and she would have brain damaged and it was all my fault!
"What's wrong with her?" I sobbed loudly, "Don't worry, don't worry!" He said, reaching for the string of my hospital gown. I almost slapped him, but my hands were busy holding the baby (Hanna . . . ) He pulled the gown down and tucked it under the curve of my breasts, baring both to the cold air. She (Hanna . . . ) Snuggled her head against the warmth of my breast, crying softly.
"She's just hungry Linda. The nurse showed me what to do while you slept." Instantly I stopped crying, so surprised by this obvious answer.
"Here," Robert reached past the baby and began massaging my left breast lightly, "You massage it a little to stimulate the breast. When the milk starts to flow, rub a bit of it on her mouth, put her to the nipple and she'll get the idea."
As the milk started to trickle out, I felt this strong surge of . . . love, happiness, release. Robert rubbed some of the blue-tinted milk on her puckering pink lips. She was silent, her kitten sized tongue suddenly darted out and caught the nourishing liquid.
She began rooting around my breast furiously before she latched onto my nipple. Calmed by the taste of the milk she suckled lovingly. But needle-like pain stabbed at the center of my breast, I sucked in a shaky breath. God this hurt, I wanted to wrench her mouth away.
My eyelids clenched shut tightly, "What is it? What's wrong?" Robert asked worriedly, "It hurts! A lot!" I said between gritted teeth.
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I hated that first feeding, the painful pulling that was a string tightened on my nerves. I eyed her resentfully each time she cried hungrily. And then surprisingly I began to desperately need her suckling my breast. I felt such profound relief when she latched onto my nipple. The nurses didn't need to help me or beg me to feed her anymore.
Robert would stroke my hair and watch the baby feed as he threw out possible names. I had boldly stated she was not Hanna, I knew that the moment I began to enjoy feeding her. It connected me to her in a way birth hadn't. She didn't want to be named Hanna.
Robert nuzzled his nose against my ear and said, "How about Alice?" I sat up a little straighter and let out a pent up breath, I shook my head. I didn't want to think about names, I only wanted to enjoy this moment with the ones I loved.
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It was my last night in the hospital and the perfect creation I bore was still unnamed. I almost felt guilty, but I couldn't just give her a name that she didn't want. Robert hated having to go home at night, I saw the pain on his face when visiting hours were over. The baby lay in her little plastic crib as I kissed her goodnight.
I fell asleep quickly that night, in my dream I sat on the gnarled stump of a tree in nothing but my hospital gown. The stump was just outside a wild, twisting forest, I jumped down and walked up to the edge of the gnarled trees so I could look in. Complete silence reached my ears no wind was whistling, no birds chirped in the branches.
There was a small clearing that I could see and there sat two women and a child. The women braided flowers in her long locks. She was an almost perfect mixture of the two women beside her. With the long dark hair of the tan one who was setting a crown of lavender upon her small head. The pale, soft skin and intense green eyes of the smiling one who cupped her cheeks. The child's lips were full and pink, already set in a sultry pout.
I looked at the area surrounding them, noting the shielding trees and still leaves. Then I saw him, the frost-haired man. He leaned against a tree, arms crossed against his chest, very near the oblivious girls.
He stood still as the air as the girls giggled soundlessly, he moved languidly toward the pale one, he held out his gloved palm upward. She stood up and took his hand, even though her face held an expression of abject fascination and horror. As he leaned toward her, she parted her lips and took his kiss, leaning into his body with helpless love. He led her away into the labyrinth of trees. The other two didn't even notice. My heart beat loudly in my ear's, her face permanently imprinted upon my mind's eye.
After a few moments of peace he came back alone and the same thing happened to the tan one. The little girl didn't look up. She just traced her finger in the pine needles, paying no attention to the world around her.
When he came for her, I couldn't breathe, I tried to enter the forest but there was an invisible barrier. I hit my hands on it and beat at it, screaming with all the passion in my body, but they didn't hear, no noise came from my exertions. When he took her hand she smiled up at him, unlike the other's there was no horror in her eyes, she looked at him as though she'd known him for years. She leaned into his kiss, her child lips looking obscene against his hard mouth, then she twisted out of his arms.
She danced down the path of the forest toward the labyrinth of trees, and he followed her, a look of extreme fascination in his eyes. She stopped and turned toward him, her finger crooked and beckoning him. She ran into the trees. He froze for a moment, a stunned expression on his face, than he ran after her. I banged on the barrier and screamed out, "Sarah!"
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I woke up screaming, confused about the dream, about that horrible man. I continued screaming when I saw him standing by my daughter's bin, holding her swaddled body in his arms, a shaft of moonlight illuminating him.
"Such a pretty little thing, isn't she." He said in his clipped tone, bouncing her a bit. My mouth snapped shut, shock shaking through my body, "What are you doing here?" I whispered, he cooed at the baby, completely unconcerned with me.
I flung the thin hospital blankets from me and marched up to him, intending to take the bundled baby. But when my arms came up to hold her they went thru her form, my breathing turned harsh.
"What did you do? Why can't I touch her?" My voice was becoming hysteric, after that dream I couldn't get calm. "I thought I would check on her, see if she would be as I thought." "You can't have her. I will give you anything but her. I was desperate, Robert was so unhappy, he was going to lose his house, please give me my baby."
It all rushed out quickly, without thought. He tilted his head to the side, staring at me inquisitively, "What's said is said." Then he smiled, if he hadn't been holding my baby I would have flown at him and tried to rend him to pieces. He handed her to me and stepped back, then held out his hand, a small bubble of light formed in his hands. I leaned away clutching her wriggling body to me, "What is it?" I said thickly as tears tracked down my face.
"A Crystal, nothing more. But if you turn it this way, and look into it, it will show you your dreams." He held it higher, so that it twinkled from the moonlight. "Do you want it?" My head jerked from side to side, my tears dripping on my silent child. Then he was gone, the crystal fell, shattering upon the floor. All that was left of him was mocking laughter bouncing in the room. My tears grew noise and I sobbed staring into my babies' face.
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I giggled as I held onto Sarah's chubby little hands, guiding her as she took wild, uncalculated steps. Her mouth worked with happy gurgles as she thought she was standing on her own. Robert watched from the couch, a large smile on his lips and in his eyes. "Look at her little legs flapping." He said before he laughed, her arms tugged down on mine as she tried to flail them. I lifted her up into my arms, leaned down and blew on her bare tummy, all she wore was a diaper.
Robert reached out his arms and I slipped her into them, she grunted happily as he wrapped them around her tightly. She was infatuated with her daddy.
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When Sarah was five, we moved into the big house. It was in a nice neighborhood, and the house was beautiful on the outside, the garden was wild and vines crawled up the exterior, flowers blooming brightly against the windows and terraces. We got the home for cheaper then what it would have been because the inside was in complete disarray. The wallpaper was torn down in strips, shaggy carpet was dirt filled and the plumbing wasn't up to date, the electricity was also shoddy. Robert and I fell in love with it however and decided to fix it into our dream house.
I was loathe to leave Roberts white picketed home, it was where I had first made love with him, the home Sarah took her first steps. That home was filled with my most fond memories, and some extremely terrifying ones, a face with mismatched eyes and fluffed white-gold hair flashed in my mind.
I gripped Sarah's hand and licked my lips, "Mommy, that hurts!" said an impertinent voice at my side. I looked down into wide green eyes, her mouth twisted in a look of complete displeasure. I loosened my grip, "Sorry baby."
She stomped a tiny sandle-clad foot, and declared with all her heart, "I am not a baby, I'm a big girl." Robert was passing by with a box labeled "books," his muscles straining with its weight, I practically salivated, "That's right," He said, "She's Daddies big girl, remember Mommy?" Sarah took her hand away and crossed her arms over her chest, her head raised at a superior angle. "See Mommy?" I nodded. Sarah hated to be called a Baby, she was "Daddies big girl" or "Mommies Darling," she was very strict about that. Her hair was pulled into two wavy pig tails and she wore a neon pink tutu dress that I had made for her.
As we and some friends moved our things in the house, Sarah sat on a stump in the back yard and talked to someone she called Hogwart.
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That night Robert and I lay on our mattress, our bed not put together yet, his arms were wrapped around me as I lay on top of him. Our naked bodies withered together, our lips fused against each other, my hands were down on his lower stomach, rubbing over his hard muscles. We broke apart and my breaths came harsh, he gripped my earlobe between his teeth and pushed himself into me, groaning into my ear, "I want another baby." I was so taken away by my pleasure that I didn't realize what he was saying until we finished.
His hand stroked my belly as we lay next to each other, "Wait, what?" I said, getting a little panicky. He looked me in the eyes, "I want another baby, I think we're ready. I mean the house has enough room and Sarah isn't too little anymore. You're older and more experienced." I got up, throwing the blanket from me, "We can't have another baby! We just got the house! Robert, I don't want another baby!"
His mouth hung open in shock, he lay naked on the bed, the sweat from our lovemaking still dripping down his chest. He looked so vulnerable. "When did you decide you didn't want another baby?" He asked, "After Sarah was born!" I remembered the pain when he arrived, reminding me he wanted my baby.
Of course I wanted more kids, but the fear I felt over eventually losing my baby. I couldn't tell him that. He held out his arms, I collapsed into him, "Did it hurt so much that you don't want another one?" If that's what he thought, that it was too painful, then I would let him. He kissed my forehead, taking my silence for confirmation of his suspicions, "Ok honey, we will talk about it later."
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When Sarah started going to school I sobbed each time I dropped her off, she would clutch her arms around me, screaming that she didn't want to leave and I would be crying, so she would hold me tighter. But as I carried her into the kindergarten room, both of us with tears covering our faces and hiccups in our throats, she caught hold of the paintings on the wall, dragons and princesses then quieted. She loved picture books and fairy tales so she lept from my arms and traced them with her fingertips.
I snuck out while she was distracted, and sobbed in the car, that whole day (which was really just to lunch) I stayed parked outside the school, waiting for her school day to be over. When she came out with her teacher and all the other students I ran to her, snatched her up and took her home.
After a week of this, I confronted Robert, "I can't do this anymore, I want to home school her." I told him, he scrunched his eyebrows at me, "But she needs to socialize, to be with other kids." "I need to be with her. She needs me." He was a firm believer in children going to school, to be taught by professional's.
I need to convince him, I sat in his lap and placed nibbling kisses in the corner of his mouth, taking little licks at the top lip. Straddling him, I moan into his ear, feeling the rising hardness in his jeans, "Please Robert?" I kneeled in front of him and unbuttoned his pants, licking my lips and whispering please as I grasped him.
"Linda . . . " He groaned before I took him into my mouth.
The next day I called the school, smiling as I told them Sarah would not be attending school there, that we had decided to teach her. When I hung up, I noticed Sarah listening, "Why aren't I going to school any more?" I smiled and lifted her into my lap, "Because I am going to teach you now honey." She bit her lip and nodded.
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I didn't want to get into acting, but I had gotten a minor job doing editing for theater screenplays', but when I had brought in the first script the casting director wouldn't stop staring at me. He asked me to read some lines and I did, for fun, unfortunately he wanted me in the play. I told them I would think about it, when I talked to Robert he was ecstatic, thought I should take it up.
I did one play to make him happy, after the first showing Sarah jumped into my arms and said she wanted to be just like mommy. My heart broke a little and I began my horrible acting career.
It took me from her and that wasn't acceptable, so I began taking her to rehearsals with me. Her schooling took a back seat and no way was Robert going to allow that, no matter how many cookies I made for him. Sarah started to cry when I took her to her first day of third grade, I almost brought her home, but Robert had come with us. H crouched in front of Sarah and wiped her tears away, saying "Sarah, if you want to be an actress you have to go to school, to learn the classics. To write reports and learn your figures." She sniffed but kissed her daddies cheek and gave me a crushing hug.
I sobbed in the car, the entire way home Robert had an arm around my shoulder. He didn't teach today, so he spent the entire day trying to make me feel better. We made love on the couch, our bodies moving together furiously, he came into me with nothing between us.
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Acting was easier, but less fun, without Sarah there. It was easier until I realized I was two months late. After practice for Macbeth, in which I was proudly one of the three witches, I picked up a pregnancy test, then got Sarah and snuck it into the house.
Sarah was distracted by plate of peach pie (her favorite) and ran to the bathroom, the result's of the test were as I expected. I threw them away into the neighbor's trash so Robert wouldn't find it, that night I made spinach lasagna and tried not to cry into it.
I kept it from Robert, and threw my self into practicing for the play. I was afraid he would realize I wasn't using pads or tampons, so I soaked them in red dye and told him I was on my period. I couldn't stop thinking about it, I stopped eating as much, partly because I was sick in the morning's and because of my fear of him showing up. Robert noticed I was losing weight, he started cooking for us, feeding me fattening foods, but I wouldn't eat.
I shouldn't have been surprised when it happened, I had been stressed and fearful, it was only natural. I woke up one night in extreme pain, clutching my stomach and moaning, Robert woke up, "What's wrong baby?" I almost screamed, instead I started to cry, already knowing, I shouted like a dog yapping. "Linda!?" he said urgently, then flicked the light on, he pulled the blanket off me and sucked in his breath at the blood pooling around me. For a moment all he did was stare at me, then he shook his head.
"Oh my god, Oh my god. Baby what's happening?" he clutched me in his arms, it was obvious it wasn't my period, too much blood. I started shaking from the tremendous loss. He reached for the phone and called the hospital.
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I laid in the crisp hospital as Robert talked to the doctor, I clutched my tummy, feeling a different pain. I wanted my baby back! This wasn't fair. I hadn't wanted this to happen. I heard the doctor walk away, Robert came in, at first I didn't look at him but it was so quiet that I turned to him. He was covering his face and shaking, I knew his heart was breaking, just like mine. I held out my arms, "Robert." I choked out, he flew into my arms, our bodies wrapped around each other.
We didn't tell Sarah. We never did. But this put a strain on her anyway, she knew I had been in the hospital, but she didn't know why. I put a hold on my acting after Macbeth. I didn't want to spend anytime away from Sarah. I had so little time left with her. On her tenth birthday I gave her an English Shepard puppy, whom she named Merlin, before I walked out of her life I left the little red book that she was in love with on her bedside table.
I didn't go to the Divorce proceedings, I couldn't bear to see him again or I would have broken down, I was contacted by phone and cried the entire time. I sent Sarah gifts' which she sent back, but no letter's, no phone calls. I threw myself into my acting carrier and I hated it. I never told Sarah or Robert that I hated it, they thought that was why I left, that they were holding me back. I couldn't sleep well without him next to me or her kiss on my cheek.
I tried to date once, someone who worked with me, but when he kissed me the first time I had to force myself to not throw up. I told him I was a lesbian and didn't want to see him anymore. I scrubbed my lips with a washcloth after that. I didn't know he remarried, that he had another child, or I would have died, I found out when he called me five years later. He somehow got my phone number, saying hysterically that he had looked everywhere for her that Karen had called the police and no one knew where she was.
For a moment I was distracted by the sound of an unknown woman's name on his lips, "Who's Karen?" I asked, "My wife, but don't you listen Linda? Sarah's gone, she disappeared."
A/n: That the last of the "fault's of the mother" chapter's but I will be going to Sarah and Jareth again and now Linda is going to be in the story and some surprise's are going to pop up. This is unbetaed, I didn't even reread it after I wrote it. It came out as I wanted and that's all I care about at the moment, I will revise it later. Please READ AND REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!