Title: In Dealing With Rejection And Abandonm,ent
Genre: Drama/Angst
Main Character(s): Carth Onasi, Juhani
Rating: K+/PG
Disclaimer: It's simple: not mine.

Date written: February 27, 2007

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How can she be so fracking calm after what happened? Revan has just taken off, leaving a fracking datapad behind, taking T3 and HK and the Ebon Hawk with her, and Bastila is just standing there. Damn Jedi.

"Can't you do anything?" Carth asked furiously. "Your bond thing with her, can't you use that to locate her with?"

"It's not some homing device, Carth," Bastila said. Her tone was calm, oh so fracking calm. How could she be calm? "And I can't communicate with her through it anyways. She's… she's cut me off." Finally an emotion. She sounded sad. Sad. Bastila. Yes, Bastila is sad. She should imagine how I feel, thought Carth. He couldn't stop pacing. Back and forth, back and forth. Pacing was predictable. Maybe that's why people did it when they were nervous: it was simple.

Carth shook his head. "There's nothing you can do then?" He glanced over at Bastila hopefully, but found no hope in her eyes. Bastila's gaze turned to the ground and she shook her head. It was quiet.

"I think I'll leave you for now, Carth." Bastila was attempting to soothe him. She wasn't succeeding. Carth was still pacing. "Look… we're meeting later. At the museum next door, it's a good place for some privacy and it's a convenient location." Bastila looked like she wanted to say more, but didn't. She left, closing the door quietly behind her. They usually congregated on the Ebon Hawk. With the ship gone, they had to meet somewhere else. The hyperdrive museum was an odd choice, but there was reasoning behind it.

After Bastila left, all Carth could do was sit down on his bed and try really hard not to cry. But the trying didn't really work. He was glad Bastila hadn't seen this part. She saw that he was angry, desperate, not how much this was hurting him. And it was really beginning to set in now. Revan wasn't the type of woman to change her mind. Carth had seen it coming, seen her trying to separate herself from everyone around her, but all he could do was hold on as tight as he could.

I guess I didn't hold on tight enough.

Dawn broke over Coruscant a few hours later. Carth hadn't gone back to sleep but instead showered and dressed, ate some breakfast, drank some caffa, did a few exercises, anything to try and forget. But the datapad was sitting on the bed the whole time, glaring at him, taunting him, reminding him that Revan had left.

He had procrastinated as long as he could. Carth stared at the datapad again. He had read it too many times for the few words that were written there. But it was all he had left now, that and her scent on the pillow. He stuffed the datapad into his pocket and left the apartment.

Carth remembered visiting the hyperdrive museum when he was studying at the Academy. It was a requirement for one of his classes; they had to write an essay on one thing of interest in the hyperdrive museum. Unfortunately, most of the museum was boring and Carth ended up winging the assignment. He still passed the class though.

Bastila had been right about the museum being a convenient location. The Jedi Temple was close and Mission, Zaalbar, and Canderous were staying in the same building as Carth. And it certainly wasn't crowded.

Inside, Carth found the group congregated in a room dedicated to the history of star maps. How fitting. "Glad that you could join us," Canderous greeted the newcomer. "So what is this about, now that everyone is here? Who called this meeting anyways?"

"I did," Juhani stated simply. "I wanted to know if anyone was planning to try and go after her."

"I don't think she wants anyone going after her, Juhani," said Bastila. She still retained the same calmness she had from the previous night. "She cut off her bond with me and didn't tell anyone where she was going or even that she planned on leaving. She didn't even tell us she left. Well, most of us." Bastila glanced up at Carth. He couldn't tell, but was there a hint of jealousy in that look? It really didn't matter. Revan was gone. That was all that mattered.

"So basically we all gathered here for no real reason?" Canderous scoffed. "Well, if we're done here, I have better things to do than mope over our fearless leader dumping us."

"She didn't dump us!" exclaimed Mission.

Canderous chuckled. "Of course she did, kid. I'm not saying she hated us; she just didn't want us around. Too much baggage, you know?" Canderous gave a little wave over his back as he left the museum.

"I'm sorry sonny," Jolee said after Canderous had left. Carth looked up. The old man was looking at him. "I know you don't want to hear this right now, but I know how you feel. In a way, we all do. But I know what it's like to lose a woman."

Carth sort of grunted. Revan had told him about Jolee's past once, some time ago. He knew the old man's story. Carth would normally feel sorry for the old man, but right now he was too busy feeling sorry for himself.

Jolee looked as if he was going to pat Carth on the shoulder, but then thought better of it. He said good-byes to the rest and left. Mission and Zaalbar followed shortly after, Mission telling Carth: "Don't get too blue, alright?" Carth didn't really reply to her either, sort of forcing a smile.

He hadn't thought he was being a jerk beforehand, but when Mission looked slightly offended Carth offered a plain apology and decided that he would try a little harder to be nice. He watched the Twi'lek and Wookiee leave the museum and sighed. He knew that this group of friends would have to come to an end somehow, but Revan's sudden departure had sped up the goodbyes too quickly and it felt that as each of his crewmates left the museum, they were leaving Carth's life.

"Bastila." Juhani's voice interrupted Carth's thoughts. "You haven't detected anything of late that would imply where Revan was going?"

Bastila sighed. "To be honest, Juhani, Revan has been blocking me out for some time. She used to let me in all the time, but these past few weeks… well… I should have seen it coming…" she trailed off. She looked sad, very sad. After a pause, Bastila regained her calm and impassive composure. "I'm sorry, Juhani, I don't know where she is. Now, I think I'll be going back to the Temple. Are you coming, Juhani?"

Juhani shook her head. "I'll be back soon." Bastila hugged Juhani and then Carth before leaving. That left the Cathar and the soldier alone.

It was quiet for a few minutes. The museum was rather dead at this time of the day. No tourist groups were coming through and very few people were actually interested in the history of the hyperdrive anyways. Carth didn't exactly blame them; there were more interesting aspects of history.

"You know, Carth, part of me is somewhat satisfied at seeing you in pain over her." Juhani's words broke through the quiet like a bullet through flesh, and with the same ferocity.

"I appreciate that, Juhani," Carth muttered sarcastically. He looked up to face Juhani. Cathar were known for their temper and a Jedi Cathar was no exception. Juhani's eyes glared at him, ablaze with fury, despite standing at ease with her arms at her sides.

"It was really hard not to hate you," she continued, beginning to pace in a circle around Carth. Her eyes were turned forward now, not facing anything in particular. But Carth knew that her fury was directed at him, no matter where she looked. "Ever since I met her, I wondered how she could possibly choose me over you. And I knew she never would. But I couldn't help my emotions… I still wanted her as much as you wanted her. And as much as she wanted you." Juhani was practically spitting with hate. She eyed Carth every now and then as if she wanted to devour him, chew him up and spit him out.

Normally, Carth would've been surprised and acted as such. He was still surprised – he had never known how Juhani felt about Revan – but he didn't react. Juhani's words made Carth feel righteous in his anger at Juhani now. "Well then, why didn't you hate me? Trying too hard to be a Jedi? To try and please her? I know you miss her Juhani, but imagine how I feel."

"No! You will not tell me to imagine how you feel!" Juhani wasn't shouting, but her words were filled with such venom that if she had shouted Carth was sure he would've actually been poisoned. "I wish I could feel like you feel! Imagine how I feel Carth! Imagine the rejection and then imagine it twice. Not only did she rebuke my love for her, she ran away from me! She left me behind!"

"She left me behind too."

But Juhani was shaking her head. "At least she loved you. At least you were able to hold her, at least she let you love her. But not me, not me who did so much for her, who had fallen so far and risen so high only to not get what I wanted! What I deserved!"

"Look, Juhani, I'm not sorry Revan chose me, but I am sorry she hurt you," Carth said, trying to calm the Cathar down. He was almost afraid that Juhani might turn her lightsaber on him. She was angry enough to. "I can't do anything about it, okay? I understand that you're in pain, but that doesn't mean that I'm not! We're both suffering here!"

"But I'm suffering more! I'm hurting more! And I have nothing to console me, no memories, no datapad," the fury was dripping away from Juhani's words and instead of angry, she looked as if she was about to break down and cry now. She had stopped circling Carth and was now standing in front of a holographic timeline of star maps. "I didn't get the luxury of being told my beloved was leaving, but you did. And I'm trying very hard not to hate you for that, but I don't know if I can help myself."

Carth sighed. He was upset, he was tired, he was hurt, he was angry, and he couldn't deal with Juhani's rage right now. But she was here, and she was angry and she was hurt and she was upset. "Look, Juhani, I can't do anything! None of us can! Obviously you're upset, but yelling at me isn't going to do any good. Hating me isn't going to do any good. Wanting revenge isn't going to do any good. That's something Revan taught me. She taught you that too, didn't she? With Xor?"

Juhani's eyes darted down to the ground in shame. "I'm sorry, Carth. You're right. She may not love me like she loves you, but I should respect her friendship. I… I'm upset. Can you blame me? Don't we always want to blame someone else when something's wrong? And… I don't want to blame her. I can't blame her. There has to be a reason why she left."

Juhani was right. There had to be a reason. "Maybe… maybe one day we'll know. Maybe one day she'll tell us. She'll come back."

"Did she write that in the datapad?" spat Juhani.

Carth reached into his jacket pocket and drew out the datapad. Right now, it was the only physical thing Carth could hold on to that would connect him to Revan. "Here," he said, tossing the datapad to Juhani. "You can see it for yourself. There's not much there."

"'Carth, I'm sorry. I love you. Good-bye. Revan.'" Juhani read. "It's more than nothing. More than what I got. All she ever gave me was a broken heart."

"And you think mine is in one piece right now?" asked Carth. "I'm surprised at you, Juhani. I thought you'd know pretty well that there's more to a person than what physical things they give you. A handshake, a hug, a kiss, they're all well and nice."

"But she gave us more than that," interrupted Juhani, nodding her head. "She gave us memories, taught us lessons, helped shape us. She fought enemies I didn't think could be fought. She fought my past, and yours. She brought me hope. And a future."

"All we can do is hope she'll come back and bring us everything she is to teach us and guide us again. She loved us, Juhani. She loved all of us." Juhani didn't look at Carth, only nodded. "She wouldn't abandon us for nothing. She wouldn't say good-bye if she thought she wouldn't get a chance to again."

Juhani looked up at Carth now. "How can you be so certain or these things? How can you not feel betrayed?"

"I do feel hurt and upset and I don't understand now… but I don't think I've ever understood everything she did," Carth replied. He forced a small smile onto his face. "I don't know why she left, but I'm going to try and trust that she'll tell me."

"She has earned that." Juhani sighed. "I apologize for my words again. I should not punish you out of my jealousy. I think it is time I returned to the Temple now."

"Goodbye, Juhani." Carth watched as Juhani left his life too.

Carth sighed heavily as he made for the exit a few minutes later. Despite his reassurances to Juhani, Carth didn't really believe himself; he didn't believe that everything would be alright. He doubted Juhani completely believed him either. All he could do was hope. He would wait long as it took Revan to come back; no matter if it took a week or a decade, he'd wait. She was worth it.

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DCC #28: Love Sucks - Third Place! Whoo!