Author's Note: Yay, it's finally here! Sorry this took me so long to write -I've just been so busy! Well, I've finally put it up, with the help of my wonderful reviewers. I hope I kept this chapter up to your expectations! Thank you also to Ad and Spork for reading and editing the story for me. And once more, a huge thanks to all my reviewers! I couldn't have done this without you guys. Your support means everything to me.
My Icy Heart
- Spring's First Snow
It was night. The moon was left as a glittering silver slit in the pitch-black sky, hung high over the streets of Funbari like an eerie lantern. Clouds were left, floating miserably along like lost grey sheep, heavy with the weight of snow. It was the first new days of spring, and cold weather was at its peak. The clouds had threatened to burst their icy seams for a while now.
Horo was restless that night, as always. Staring out of his window once again, he felt anxious tonight more than most. His thoughts were the same as usual – wondering what Ren was doing now, wondering if he had gone outside yet or not.
He shuffled his feet on the bare wooden floor, growing more agitated by the minute. Should he do it, or not? Should he try his luck?
For a few days now, he had been wondering what he should do – ever since seeing Ren outside, hidden in his coat. Hoping he hadn't mistaken Ren's actions that day, a plan carefully began to formulate itself in the back of his mind.
Perhaps his plan was a little far-fetched, or perhaps it was realistic. He did not know. Though over time, through hour upon hour of careful thinking, he had slowly convinced himself of what he had to do. From his experiences in the North, snowboarding from the highest peaks of the mountains, he had learnt that nothing comes easy – you have to take the risk, or don't try it at all. And if you misjudged and took the leap without thinking over it more carefully… well, there were always prices to pay. If you thought it through precisely and timed everything right, the rewards were unimaginable. He knew the price for this particular leap could be far from what he wanted. Though he knew - more importantly to him at the moment – that the rewards if he succeeded would be much greater than he could imagine.
He quivered as he thought of what could come of this. His thoughts, just as they were in his snowboarding, were dwarfed more by the rewards than the risks. He knew if he never took the chance while it was still there, he would regret it for the rest of his life.
Without pausing another moment, he headed for his door, moving quickly and decisively out into the corridor.
Ren had barely been outside a few hours. Night hadn't fallen that long ago. Yet, with winter still lingering in the air, it was already pitch-black. And it was already freezing cold.
He sat there, shuddering against the air, huddled up on the damp grass. His punishment was still on going – he hadn't allowed himself to stop yet. How could he? Those… thoughts were still there, in the back of his mind, all the time. His heart still pondered these emotions; he did not want to know what he could not understand. So, he resolved, he must push them out, not let them take over his mind as he so often did.
Though it seemed to be getting harder for him to stay resilient against it. For the past few days, he had hardly seen Horo around. Whenever he did see him, he always looked preoccupied and resigned. The result was driving Ren crazy inside. He couldn't fathom the thoughtful look on Horo's face, or solve why he hadn't spoken to him for a while, not even to argue. Horo's silence had forced him to stay stoic too, and the pair had not spoken to one another whenever they were near. The tension between them was obvious to the others in the house, yet none of them chose to say anything. It was not their place to interfere.
He remembered the last time he had spoken to Horo – he had been sitting out here, as usual, as cold as he was now. Ren could have sworn he heard concern in Horo's words as he spoke to him then. He concluded it was his imagination. He remembered sitting here, Horo's coat covering him. What he would have given to have that feeling once again…
He felt anger boil at himself for thinking such a thing. Surely… surely the feeling wasn't that comfortable…?
His eyes closed against the impending darkness, he heard the footsteps before he saw who they belonged to.
"I figured you might need this," he heard a voice say to him from what seemed like nowhere.
Ren's eyes opened sharply, and he looked up to see Horo standing in front of him. Deliberately, their eyes met.
Ren suddenly felt his coldness melt away, as though someone had lit a fire near him. He didn't move for a moment, lingering in Horo's deep, soothing eyes…
Horo remained there too, for a second longer. The silence felt as sharp as shattered ice. He looked down at the long, black coat he held in his hand – Ren's coat – and offered it to him once more, with a small smile, breaking the moment. "Here."
Though Horo had broken his gaze, Ren, for once, didn't move. He stared up at him as though he couldn't believe he existed, like a child seeing winter for the first time. Absent-mindedly, he took the coat from Horo, his eyes not shifting.
Horo stood awkwardly as Ren took the coat off him, wondering how to pose his question that was to follow. "Hey, I was wondering… do you want to like, go for a walk?"
The question brought him sharply out of the clouds. He turned his head harshly to look the other way, away from Horo. "Why would you want to do that? It's dark, and far from that, it's cold."
Horo laughed stiffly. "That's why I thought you'd need the coat. But, I'll understand if you have better things to do," he said, trying not to let his sinking heart make an appearance in his words.
Before Horo could say another word, Ren was on his feet, his coat secured tightly around him.
Horo stared blankly at him for a moment, not knowing what to think. Ren had stood up so sharply… was he mad, or eager?
Ren looked at him impatiently. "Well… are you going to come, or should I take this walk alone?" he snapped, trying to maintain his usual exterior. But why was he finding it a lot more difficult than usual? Normally, he could just insult Horo, hurt him a little, act as though he didn't care when Horo fought back… he didn't feel like that now. He wondered how long it would be before his facade broke, to sink like a glacier before his very eyes.
It took a moment for Ren's words to register to Horo, but once they did, he smiled and nodded. He could barely believe he'd gotten even this far into his plan.
Ren turned sharply and marched towards the gate of the yard. As he reached it, he stopped and waited for Horo to catch up.
As they stepped out into the street, walking side by side, the temperature seemed to drop further – without the fence of the yard surrounding them, the air seemed to get colder still. Ren held his coat even tighter around him. Though the cold felt like sharpened knives the silence between them felt much more harsh.
For a few moments, they walked alongside one another in complete silence. The streets they walked were also deadly quiet; no one was outside now.
Horo squirmed inside his skin. He knew what he had to say; he had had it all planned out for nights. But now, when it came down to it, he had lost what nerve he had.
Ren was getting agitated with the silence. "So what was the point in this walk of yours, anyway?"
Horo kept his eyes fixed firmly ahead of him, his mind reeling so that all of those careful plans and thoughts he had lost themselves in one another. "I… just wanted to talk to you, that's all."
"You could have done that just fine sitting back there," Ren said, giving him a sarcastic sideward glance.
He panicked. Why was Ren always so difficult like this? It did nothing for his nerves. "But don't you get bored of sitting there all night long?"
"No," Ren answered simply.
Horo shot an annoyed look to his feet as they pounded on the sidewalk. Ren never made conversation simple either. "Look… don't you think it's about time you told me what this 'training' thing is really about?"
Ren almost stopped walking. He should have known Horokeu could see right through him. Had he made it too obvious? In his mind, he wanted to stop, have Horo hold him while he told him everything, finally telling him just how he felt… but he didn't, couldn't. He continued to walk, hands stuffed tightly into his pockets. "It's just that: training."
Horo sighed – was he aiming for a lost cause? "I saw you, you know;" he heard his next words break the air before he'd even thought of them. As they left his lips, he stared up into the cloud-thick air, waiting for Ren to start firing off at him.
In his pockets, Ren's fists clenched. He couldn't mean…? Surely he hadn't…? He felt his mind fluster. What should he do? Deny it? Pretend he didn't know what Horo meant? Tell him…? "I… I have no idea what you're talking about."
Horo felt his legs go weak beneath him with the sheer strain of all this. He noticed the low wall they were walking beside, and sat down on it gratefully. "You don't remember what happened? You were outside again, so I brought you my-"
"Oh, be quiet!" Ren snapped, turning away from Horo so that he couldn't see his face. He didn't sit down along with him – just stood in front of him, back turned. "I didn't ask for your help then, did I?" Ren felt his cheeks flush. He couldn't think of what Horo meant by bringing all of this up, or of how he was going to get himself out of this situation.
"No, but you appreciated it, at least," Horo said, confident now in his words. Ren was being so stubborn… he wasn't going to let him deny the truth, that which he knew was right. "You were out there for hours after I left, and you didn't move at all. What's with you?"
Ren sank down to sit on the wall, defeated, a little distance away from Horo, back still turned to him. "I…" he began, before trailing off. He didn't know what to say or do – he had been caught off-guard. He hadn't realised Horo had seen him.
Horo felt Ren's unease. Though he knew he had to take some responsibility in this situation – be stern with Ren, not let him deny things – he couldn't be too harsh on him, or it was all too possible that he might back off. Timidly, he put a hand on Ren's shoulder.
Ren shuddered. This was so much like that day… Horo had touched him there then too. And just as before, he didn't react to throw him off, to yell at him… the touch calmed him, his panicking mind easing a little.
Silence was all that could be heard for a moment between them, the howling winds lashing harshly at both boys' faces.
"Ren…" Horo started.
"I was… I was watching you. I wasn't supposed to be, I told myself I wouldn't…" Ren managed to say, closing his eyes tight as tears of hate and rage stung at them. "I punished myself, I tried to get rid of these thoughts. Because… I'm not supposed to feel this way."
Horo was startled. He listened to Ren's tearful voice for a moment, wondering if this could be Ren playing some kind of trick on him – it seemed too unreal, and Ren seemed so much unlike his cold, sarcastic self. Or perhaps… he was seeing the true side to Ren? Deciding he would take the risk, he sat a little closer against Ren, his other hand now brushing Ren's other shoulder. "Are you… trying to say what I think you are?" Horo questioned, tenderly.
Ren felt it all wash up inside him – all this time of feeling these things; his hatred at himself for doing so, at Horo for making this so difficult for him. With this intense feeling burning in his heart, his mind wandered elsewhere. Without thinking, he only turned his head around to have it resting on Horo's shoulder. A silent tear dropped down his cheek – he was too busy fighting his emotions to even lift up a hand to brush it away hastily, so Horo couldn't see. He felt as though the tear would turn into an icicle as it slid over his freezing skin. Now, he felt as though he didn't care. What dignity he had, he'd lost already; he'd already told Horo, Horo knew now. What harm could a tear or two do to him? He felt as though he didn't care if he cried in front of Horo – or was it more, he wanted to cry in front of him?
Horo wasn't even fazed by Ren's touch. He was more concerned with Ren himself – it seemed he had taken this hard – harder even than he had, perhaps. He felt his heart sink as he sensed Ren's sorrow – his tenseness, denial and shame. He couldn't bear to see him this way. Carefully, he put his arms around Ren, holding him tightly, his head so low that he could the skin of Ren's cheeks against his own. "If you shouldn't feel this way, then we are both doing something wrong," he said softly, trying to calm him.
Hearing the words, Ren picked up his head slowly. He hadn't expected to find Horo's face so close. He could feel Horo's warm breath on his face, calming him. Their eyes were in direct contact, pupils in line. A final tear dropped away into nothing, as Horo's eyes ensnared him, caught him in their soothing trap.
Horo didn't move, hardly daring to believe the moment, the longing in Ren's eyes so much like his own. A small smile breaking on his face, he leant forward slightly, feeling Ren's lips against his own.
Ren closed his eyes as he felt Horo come near, as their lips touched in perfect harmony…
The clouds in the night sky wavered heavily above them, finally breaking their seams to send spring's first snow twinkling down on to the icy streets.
Emily Nash-Medlyn
Thursday 23rd September 2005