A/N Not to jump on a bandwagon or anything, but I do love marriage fics, so here's my own take on that idea.
The title is from the lyrics of 'Last train to Clarksville' by The Monkees.
Jack groaned and blearily opened one eye, his head pounding so hard he thought it was going to explode. As sunlight scorched his eye and his surroundings swam into view, his heart rate went up a few notches till he thought that too would explode. Where the hell was he? What had he done?
Carefully moving himself into an upright position he opened the other eye and looked around his environment. The rich textures of a 60's style boudoir made his vision crazy and he moved his eyes over to a calmer patch of interior decoration.
Hmm, a bed. No wait. A bed with people in it. Ahh good. The rest of SG1 are still alive.
He could just about make out two mops of hair under the covers and jealously thought 'that's typical. I get a killer hangover and I don't even wake up with Carter beside me.' Where's Teal'c? He scanned the room for any more signs of life and his gaze fell on a bright red door to his left. It looked vaguely familiar. Staggering out of the bed he found himself in, he stumbled up to the door and pulled on the handle. It was locked.
His head fought against the tide of alcohol and tried to tell him something. Red door. Teal'c. Argument.
"Oh God, this is not good. Not good at all. General Hammond is going to kill us. Me. Definitely me. T, can you hear me?" He would've shouted but he didn't think he could take it so he settled for a harsh whisper against the keyhole instead.
"Indeed I can O'Neill."
"I am soooo sorry for whatever I did last night." He looked around for a key and found it on the floor a couple of metres away from the door, buried in a big furry rug.
Fumbling with the lock, he pulled the door open and looked in. Teal'c sat quietly in his Kel'no'reem position, with both eyes looking reproachfully up at Jack.
"Buddy!"
Teal'c raised an eyebrow and stood up. "If you were not my most trusted friend O'Neill, I would cause you great pain for your behaviour last night."
Jack studied the jaffa's large body and silently thanked the Gods that had made them friends. Well that would be Apophis actually, he thought with a smirk.
"Hey, how did I get you in there? I mean, you're a big bloke, and I must have been pretty wasted judging from my head."
"You and your 'friends' were most insistent that I enter the cupboard."
"Why?" Alarms bells started ringing in Jack's befuddled brain as he asked the question, and as an image from the night before filled his head, he felt a wave of nausea wash over him.
It was, he realised 10 minutes later, a blessing that his head wasn't addled enough to forget the location of a toilet.
"O'Neill, I have taken the liberty of obtaining some aspirin from your pack."
"Thanks T." Jack swallowed the tablets and stuck his head under the tap in the bathroom. Feeling a bit better, he rubbed his face harshly on a towel and turned to face Teal'c.
"So, how much trouble am I going to be in with the General? 'Deliberately offended a race I didn't like' type trouble, or 'accidentally showed every goa'uld mothership an easy way to defeat Earth' type trouble?"
"I fear it will be the latter."
"We'd best wake them and get out of here."
"I did attempt to intervene O'Neill."
Jack looked up at Teal'c as he headed for the bathroom door. "I know you did. Never let me touch a drink ever again."
"You have said this many times before, but I feel this time you have learnt your lesson."
"Yeah, this time I mean it." Jack replied, shaking his head and entering the large bedroom.
Over in the bed he had noticed earlier he could see the sleeping forms of his 2IC and his team archaeologist. Marvelling at the fact he had woken up fully clothed, he daren't go any closer in case he found out that was not the case with his team members.
"Umm… Carter? Daniel? Time to wake up."
There was a groan from the bed and Teal'c appeared at his side, glasses of water and aspirins in hand.
"Am I dead?" Came Daniel's groggy voice.
"You should know Danny boy." Said Jack in a falsely cheerful voice. "No, I'm afraid not." He added flatly. "T's got some water and aspirin."
There was a deep sigh from the other lump in the bed and Daniel's body froze.
"Why am I in a bed with Sam?"
The Sam type lump now seemed fully awake as well.
"What? Why am I in a bed with Daniel? Where am I?"
Jack and Teal'c looked at each other.
"I don't want either of you to panic, but I think we may have had too much to drink last night."
"Ya think?"
Jack briefly smiled at his 2IC's comment before continuing.
"We may have held an impromptu marriage ceremony as well."
"WHAT!"
The cries of shock went up from both sides of the bed at the same time and there was confusion as Sam and Daniel both struggled to get as far away from each other as possible.
"Whoa! Whoa! DANIEL!" Daniel stopped trying to get out of bed and looked up at Jack. "You're…. um…. Maybe that's not such a great idea."
Daniel looked down at his body and, noticing its nakedness, blushed a bright shade of crimson.
"T and I are going to go and speak to the local people. I suggest you two get dressed. Oh, and I would strongly recommend the aspirin." Jack walked around the bed to the second door and opened it, to be greeted with strong, hot sunlight.
"T, come on."
Teal'c smiled down at Daniel, who looked mortified, and handed him the glasses of water and aspirin. "I shall leave these with you Daniel Jackson."
He turned and left the two of them, shutting the door quietly behind him.
Daniel looked down at the glasses in his hand and put one down on the bedside table, emptying the other one in a couple of gulps and following it with some tablets.
"Daniel?" Sam's voice crept out quietly from where she was hiding under the covers. He looked at the lump where she was curled up.
"Hmmm?"
"You, umm, don't think its true do you?"
A wave of guilt washed over Daniel as he heard the apprehension in her voice. He was absolutely ashamed of himself for getting into such a state the night before. Well he couldn't remember doing it, but that was enough to prove he drank too much. He would have to do everything he could to soften the blow to Sam. He'd have to start with the truth though.
"Sam honey, I think it is true. I mean, I don't remember, but I am naked in a bed with you."
Ok, that wasn't really softening the blow. The form next to him didn't think so either. "I didn't need to know that Daniel. Oh God. This is the end of my career. And all respect. Everyone will look at me and go 'there's the Major that got drunk on P3- whatever and married her best friend'."
"Sam, I'm sure it won't be that bad. General Hammond wouldn't remove you from SG1 just because of this. And there will be new rumours, there always is."
The covers shifted into a tighter ball and Sam replied irritably, "You don't get it Daniel. You're a man; they will all offer you congratulations. I will get whispered about and any time I do anything someone will start a new piece of gossip."
"Sam, come out from under the covers. Please?" He wheedled. There was no movement. "I have aspirin and water."
A hand appeared and lowered the covers slightly so that a head was poking out.
"Good morning." He handed her the glass and the tablets and she took both, shifting into an upright position, tightly holding the covers round her with one hand.
"Thanks." She emptied the glass and placed it on the table next to her. "Argh, this is such a mess." She brought her knees up to her chin and hugged them tightly, briefly forgetting that she was naked, and allowing the covers to slip a little.
Daniel watched her - her misery only encouraging his own guilt. He really would do everything in his power to make it up to her. As the covers on her slipped a little, he found his eyes drifting, wondering what her body was like under the sheets she was hiding in. Daniel. He reprimanded himself harshly. Haven't you done enough damage?
"I really don't remember last night. Do you?" Sam asked, interrupting his mental cold shower.
Daniel looked down at his hands, carefully folded on the covers of the bed. He couldn't even remember what planet he was on, but he didn't quite feel the need to admit that just yet. "No. First thing I remember is Jack waking us up."
Sam groaned again at the reminder and hid her face in her arms. "How will I ever look at him again. And Teal'c. Holy Hannah, Teal'c! We –"
Daniel gasped as he too remembered.
"Wow" was all he could reply.
"General Hammond is going to have us doing admin for a year."
"Maybe we could twist the truth on the report a little?" Daniel suggested hopefully. "I mean, we must have been really out of it to get Teal'c locked up in a cupboard - like much more than we would have been with Earth drink. It must've been much stronger than we're used to."
"Yeah. Janet could back us up with medical data."
Both sat wistfully planning their versions of the report for a few minutes, before the reality of the situation crept up on them again.
"We, umm, ought to get dressed." Daniel casually mentioned, like it was a normal thing to wake up naked next to Sam in the morning. I wish it was. Hey, where did that thought come from?
"Yeah. Shall I use the bathroom first, or do you want to?" It's quite nice sitting in bed with Daniel actually. He is so much more calming than Jack would be in this situation.
"No, I'm ok, you go first."
"Ok." Sam shifted in the bed and then looked at him. "You won't look will you?"
He laughed and made proper eye contact with her for the first time that morning. "No Sam, I won't look."
She nodded and he turned away as she climbed out of bed and snuck into the bathroom, scooping her clothes of the floor as she did so.
Daniel quickly scrabbled into his own BDUs, chagrining himself for his behaviour as he did so. I can't believe I just had a sneaky look at Sam as she left the room. And why don't I feel more upset about the situation? He pulled his trousers on as he thought about this. The only thing I feel is guilt for the effect it will have on Sam. Where is my own misery? He pulled on his socks and started lacing up his boots. Is this really real? Did I dream it all?
His question was answered as Sam came out the bathroom, looking fairly scruffy in her combats. Looking in her eyes, you could tell she'd had a very, very late night. She stopped as she realised Daniel was only half dressed.
"Sorry, I'll-"
"Doesn't matter. It's not anything you haven't seen before anyway." He waved her apology away and started to pull a t-shirt over his head.
Sam watched, observing how tight his chest was and the way it rippled as he worked the t-shirt over his arms. Then she realised what she was doing and stopped abruptly.
"I really want to go home." She said lamely. Daniel had always been the one in the team that she could be honest with – revealing things that she had to hide behind military bravado for the others.
Daniel's head popped through his t-shirt and he nodded.
"I know Sammy. I'm sure Jack won't want to stay here very long. Unless he is planning to hide out here from General Hammond."
Sam smiled at Daniel's use of her nickname, and was reminded of her dad. Another wave of guilt washed over her.
"My Dad is going be… actually, I don't know what he'll say."
Daniel looked even guiltier, if that was at all possible.
"He'll kill me!"
"No he won't. Daniel, I really hope you aren't going to blame yourself about this. I think it's safe to say we all had some part in this. Except Teal'c, who can live with his conscience clear." She watched him fidget under her gaze, walked up to him and squeezed his arm reassuringly.
"Really. I don't blame you Daniel. And I'd rather be married to you than Jack. Or Teal'c. My dad would definitely kill them!"
Daniel smiled.
"Come on, let's go find the Colonel. We need a game plan before we return to base."
Daniel felt a slight unhappy as she let go of his arm, and followed her out of the brightly coloured room, taking a sweep looking round it as he shut the door.