Disclaimer: Anything that's copyrighted and featured in this story is not owned by e.
Joe: Right, I'm a little annoyed with the support that I've been given lately, there were two whole chapters were I didn't get any reviews at all! But! There are people who can tell me how they feel about the story, and for those, I thank you. Still, I don't care if you hate the story to bits, at least tell me what's wrong with it and I can make a difference. If you don't want to read my ramblings on reviews, skip to the next paragraph. I'm not sure all of you understand how much use a single review can do. A story could possibly come into your hands if you review and tell the author what you think would be a good idea. A reviewer told me that it would be a good idea to make Dante a cross dresser. It happened, check the last chapter and see for yourself. If an author is feeling down on his/her writing skills, you can encourage them and they will most likely keep on with the story. I myself asked Ayla Curtis (author of "growing pains") if she could do a few things. Some of them showed up. That's a difference you can make. You could also give an author a new idea, and they might write a completely new story. Keep all that in mind.
The last time I checked, Dante was just after saving Trish from being crushed, even though he didn't mean to. This is the last chapter, I've decided. It might be too much for one chapter, but it'll leave too little content for the next chapter. I'm giving up on the thought of making a huge change at the end of the story isn't leaving as much a good feeling as I thought it would. Don't worry, something seriously off track is going to happen, though.
Oh, and sorry about the time it took to write this, writers block seems to think that it owns my house (it must be wondering why I'm still here) and I can't get it to leave. Which is why you might find some of the jokes unfunny. Oh, well, as soon as I get a shotgun, it'll leave the house sharpish.
This is the last time that I'll say this.
Here is the thirteenth, and final chapter to "Yet Another DMC Parody"
Chapter 13: The Big Nosed Wuss
Dante looked around the room that he was now in. Room wasn't the right word for it. More like, the stomach that he was now in. Everything was moving as though it was a living organism and there was a nauseating noise in the background that resembled a heartbeat.
Dante walked on, ignoring all of this, even though the feeling that he was being eaten was not easy to shake off. He unbolted the giant iron door and found his fears confirmed. There, in the middle of the room, was a heart the size of a van. It was pulsing, much to everyone's discomfort. Dante looked around and noticed a heart that was smaller, therefore smashable. He did so.
There was a noise of clammy fingers retracting. Dante had nothing better to do, so he walked through the door again. The hole in the side of the room was now open, so he walked through, ignoring the slimy film as he stomped clean through it.
He came up to a Nobody. Upon seeing Dante, the nobody started dancing. Dante raised an eyebrow. The nobody continued dancing for no particular reason. Dante attacked it because the nobody was freaking him out. Then the nobody put on a mask and grew larger.
This was completely against any law of nature and completely unexpected. The nobody kicked Dante hard, knocking him backwards into the mucus covered wall.
The nobody started dancing again, the groove of the "mashed potato" coming over it. Dante got up, and put on a fighting stance. But, something was wrong, he could feel it. Alastor and Ifrit gasped. Sparda snored on. The mucus had messed up Dante's hair. The nobody didn't realise that anything was wrong and started the haka.
Dante's eyes turned red, once again and the air around him went fuzzy. The nobody slowed down a bit with a worried face. Dante made a cuckoo noise and charged at the nobody, waving his arms wildly and drooling freely on the floor, making a sticky puddle. The nobody attempted to run away, but the mad cuckoo man known as Dante was too fast for it and easily caught up and knocked it down, running it over, all the while making bird noises. He decided to change noises, since the cuckoo noise was getting old.
The nobody slowly got up, footmarks making a tire mark affect on its back. It raised its head to see what would happen to it next. Dante's red eyes had managed to look like headlights, illuminating the room. The nobody gasped, the headlights had just turned to shine on him. Then Dante charged again.
"TURKEY!" Dante loudly announced as he charged at the nobody again, running it down once more. Alastor raised an eyebrow and Ifrit stared. They thought that Dante's wisdom of barnyard animals should have extended far beyond this. Dante looked slightly embarrassed and he shuffled his feet.
"I don't know what noise it makes" he muttered quietly.
Sparda snored on.
The nobody was killed by the strength of Dante's bird-car stampede, getting rid of the curses blocking the way. But Dante's hair had not yet been avenged. Dante charged down the new hallways, ignoring the suckers that attached themselves to his body in his poultry like rage. He encountered another nobody in the next room. Upon seeing Dante, the nobody started the Macarena, doing the traditional nobody greeting. It stopped when it saw the look on Dante's face.
"Turkey" Dante exclaimed as it charged down the nobody. The nobody wasn't expecting this, and therefore could not defend itself in time. That may sound stupid, but I bet that you'd be pretty damn shocked if a man you just met made a bird noise and charged you down. Dante charged down the new hall, but decided halfway that the turkey noise was getting old. He then transferred to a cow noise. Of course, it didn't strike Dante that a cow wasn't a bird. It didn't matter. Whatever kept him happy was ok.
The next and last Nobody stared at Dante, preparing itself for attack. Dante charged at it, blinding it with his headlights, then knocking it down as he "MOOOOO!" ed. The nobody coughed as it rose. Then Dante realised that a bird didn't moo. His face spread into a thoughtful glance. He ended up with the conclusion that the cow noise was the best choice. He looked at the now ready nobody. He glared at it.
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he bellowed as he rammed into it, slamming it into the nearest wall. When the Nobody fell to the ground again, it was no longer alive. Dante was just about to move on when Alastor asked hi m something.
"Dante?"
"Hmm?"
"When you started thinking back there, why did you keep going with the cow noise? Its not a bird noise"
"I know, when I thought to myself, I thought, What would a bird be doing in the Underworld?"
"What would a COW be doing in the underworld?"
"Hiding"
Alastor shocked him while Ifrit wrote it down in the Encyclopaedia Idiotica: Dante.
Nothing much happened until Dante got to the switch which opened the door to Mundus' altar. He hit the switch, making the curses come off the door.
"How did that work?" questioned Ifrit.
"Dunno," Alastor replied.
"Well," Dante said in a nerdy voice that was not of his own "the force received by this circular energy gatherer is then transported to that gargantuan door…"
"Dante?" Alastor asked cautiously.
"…that same power is used to inflict damage to the curses, which, when enough damage is inflicted, will deteriorate into nothingness, but it has to have enough power to destroy all of the curses, because if the limit of damage is not reached, the curses will reset, unscathed…,"
"Who are you?" Ifrit asked.
"…Ergo, the main function of this circular energy gatherer is to let out the power contained only when the limit is reached, which is why the lights fade down when the sequence of lights is not completed, that is why the curses were destroyed when all the lights lit."
There was a short silence.
"Dante?" Alastor asked again.
Dante collapsed.
Ifrit laughed "Well, I guess it was all too much for him."
It took the best of half an hour for Dante to recover. He rose groggily.
"What happened?" he asked hoarsely, rubbing his aching head.
Alastor's face looked hopeful.
"Maybe, in his new intelligence, he'll be able to think up a plan to defeat Mundus!"
Alastor and Ifrit looked at him hopefully, expecting him at any moment to devise a brilliant plan.
Dante stroked his chin thoughtfully. His eyes glinted and a smirk broke across his face.
"Yes…that ought to work…yes"
Alastor and Ifrit exchanged excited glances.
"Coconuts" Dante said, his index finger risen into the air, as if he had just ended world hunger.
"That didn't last long" Ifrit murmured under his breath.
The look of someone who had an understanding of everything around him had vanished from Dante's face. The usual look of surprise had swept back across his features. His mouth hung open again, drool resuming it's position as waterfall. He noticed the disappointed looks on Alastor and Ifrit's faces.
"What happened?" he asked concernedly.
"You said smart things for a while" Ifrit answered grimly.
Dante was panic stricken.
"WHAT! I could've died!"
"We know, it's a miracle that you're still here" Alastor stated.
Sparda snored on.
Dante shook off the feeling that he had just escaped death and walked through the giant door.
Inside was the shiniest room Dante had ever seen. He strolled through it, his head acting like a spinning top, he was unable to take his eyes off his surroundings. Eventually he reached the giant statue. For no particular reason, he had decided to take Sparda out, probably because it looked cool.
"ONCE AGAIN I MUST FACE A SPARDA, STRANGE FATE, ISN'T IT?" said Mundus casually.
Dante, trying to make an impressive impression, said:
"Strange and ironic that it'll end the same way!"
Mundus chuckled and was about to start a sentence when Dante thought that he had chuckled for a reason (maybe he had said a funny joke? Dante had to laugh back, he didn't want to look like an idiot, did he?) and he started chuckling with Mundus.
Mundus, being used to having incompetent idiots around him, kept his patience. He cleared his throat. Dante stopped. Mundus continued.
"IRONY HAS FAVOURED YOU THIS TIME, BUT THIS TIME I HAVE THE UPPER HAND, LOOK!"
He shone a light up to the wall above the entrance, illuminating Trish. She was hung up by her hands.
Dante didn't give Mundus the effect that he was expecting.
"Hi, Trish! How are you?" Dante asked cheerfully. There was no response.
Mundus coughed.
"NO, YOU DON'T GET IT, SHE'S-"
"Don't interrupt!" Dante snapped "anyway, where was I?"
"You were shocked to see Trish hung up there and was about to insult me," Mundus said.
"Thank you," Dante said "YOU!"
Mundus shot three red spears into Dante, preventing Dante from finishing his sentence. Trish came to her senses at that moment and saw Dante being attacked.
"Dante!" she screamed.
"WHAT IS THE MATTER?" Mundus taunted "HAS THE SPARDA BLOOD BEEN SPOILED OVER THE AGES? SO SAD THAT HUMANS WILL ALWAYS BE HUMANS, NO MORE"
During this speech, Mundus charged up a beam from his third eye, meaning to finish Dante off.
Despite what it looked like, Trish was not properly held up, due to the incompetence of Mundus' workers. Just as the beam was about to hit Dante, Trish jumped down and pushed Dante out of the beams ray, taking the damage herself.
"Trish…" Dante said, and he walked over to look at her unconscious (or dead, as everyone seemed to think) body. Mundus charged up another beam, intending to kill Dante while his back was turned.
But then something strange happened, when the beam was just about to hit Dante, Dante turned around, his eyes red, but this was not because of messed up hair, this was actually a good reason. A red tinge had been added to the air around him and Sparda activated. The snoring had died out. Then Sparda spoke, his voice was clearly that of an old person, hoarse and faint, the kind that people put into cartoons.
"Hey, you kids!" he said angrily, clearly disoriented "get offa my lawn!"
There was a small silence.
"That's better," Sparda said happily.
Mundus cleared his throat.
"Anyway… this is normally the point where I act all high and mighty and destroy the room we're in, making us battle in the sky,"
Dante nodded.
With a giant roar, Mundus …… well, acted all high and mighty and destroyed the room that they were in, making them battle in the sky.
"THOSE EYES…DEEP IN THEM I SEE THE SAME LIGHT AS IN SPARDA'S EYES" Mundus stated.
"Who-wha-why?" Sparda gibbered, hearing his name in a sentence. There was no reply. The sound of his snoring soon returned.
Dante cleared his throat.
"Er-hem… anyway… why my mother?"
"THAT USELESS BEING?" Mundus said "IF YOU NEED A MO-"
But as soon as Mundus said "Useless being", that was enough for Dante, he charged at Mundus, devil triggering into a new form, making everyone pretty damn impressed by his looks.
"DIE BITCH! DIEEEEE!" Dante bellowed angrily.
Mundus flapped his wings, sending him back a fair distance.
Then, when Mundus was just ready enough to start the battle, Dante had already gone. Mundus looked around. Where could he be? He was there just a second ago. Dante was in the complete opposite direction, a huge bit away, flying in loop-de-loops and corkscrews, going "WEEEEEEEEEE!". Mundus was extremely irritated by this.
"COME HERE AND FACE ME, MORTAL!"
Dante didn't seem to hear him and kept on doing acrobatics while whooping.
"MORTAL!"
No response.
"DANTE-"
Dante was now chasing his wings in a circle, acting like a dog chasing its tail.
"GET OVER HERE YOU STUPID TWAT!"
Dante would have been deaf if he hadn't heard that. Though, Sparda still remained asleep, unaffected by the loud noise. Dante flew back over to Mundus and the battle begun.
Dante pushed his hand forward and a blast of red energy erupted from his palm. Dante's eyes widened; this was going to be fun. Mundus shot wave after wave of attack at Dante, but Dante had made a cunning battle plan, completely different to his other battle plan. This plan was "going around in circles like a complete idiot in the air". Notice the difference? it's a nice change from "running around in circles like a complete idiot", isn't it?
Note:- For those of you who are stuck on Mundus in the game, this actually is a good strategy, just fly around in a circle while shooting and you should do fine.
As the note here just said, Dante amazing battle plan was actually working, surprising everyone and winning him the battle. But, something strange happened at that moment, the last shot fired by Dante had hit Mundus right below the neck, making a small device fall. This, was Mundus' voice box, making his voice return to it's usual geeky self.
Mundus shed a tear: he was given that as a present by his mother. With a moody roar, Mundus made a ton of comets smash against Dante, knocking him down. But, in his tear filled hissy fit, Mundus accidentally stopped flapping his wings, sending him down with Dante.
They both landed on top of a volcano, Dante being lucky enough to land on a rocky part, however, Mundus did not share this same luck. He landed right in the middle of the lava pool.
Mundus burst into salty tears, he didn't like taking baths, especially not when his mother wasn't there to apply the bubbles in. He slammed his fists onto the ground repeatedly, like a toddler that doesn't want to take a nap just yet. Mundus was also making wailing noises, giving almost everyone a headache. The exception being Sparda. He was, however, woken up. In a bad mood.
"Who-wha?" he said nonsensically "turn down that damn music, punks!"
Dante jumped by the sudden outburst caused by his sword.
He dropped Sparda into the lava.
"Uh-oh…that's not good…" Dante muttered as he loosened his collar nervously.
He tried to fetch it, but ended up falling in as well.
Through some glitch in the game, Dante had skipped the continue screen and landed right back a few steps away from the lava in a split second, it was as if Dante had teleported.
Dante burst into hysterics of maniacal laughter. With that he ran back in. He ended up in the same spot he had just been in a few seconds ago. He was still running. He ran back in. And again.
And again.
And…again.
Again.
Again.
You'd think that he'd of gotten tired of this by now, wouldn't you?
Again.
Aga…wait, he mightn't do it this time…oh, no, forget what I just said.
(sighs) again.
Again.
When Dante was on his last yellow orb, he stopped. He had gotten Sparda back. The lava thing had gotten old. He looked up at Mundus, who was still throwing a tantrum. Dante cleared his throat. Mundus opened his eyes and blinked twice. He noticed that Dante was staring at him like he was an idiot. Damn it… he didn't want his opposition to think that he was a complete buffoon, did he? He had to say something quick…something impressive…
"I can dress myself" Mundus announced. Hah, that'll do it…
Anyone with half a brainstem would have thought that Mundus was an even bigger buffoon after hearing that, but Dante was mightily impressed.
"Wow!" Dante said "that's impressive! I can't even dress myself!"
"The hell?" Ifrit remarked "but your dressed right now, aren't you?"
"It's a rare skin disease" Dante answered. Ifrit shuddered.
"Never mind," he said, completely grossed out.
Then, Dante and Mundus prepared for a battle, a battle that involved hurting and swords and blood, and coconuts…actually, Dante was the only who prepared himself for that last bit, so scratch that…but a battle that would actually involve proper fighting in it. This was a rare occasion for Dante, so it was a pity that Mundus messed it up by getting lava in his eye and starting to cry.
You know, at times like this, you kinda feel like you're surrounded by complete and utter idiots. Ah, well, maybe we're all just a bunch of idiots.
Anyway, while Mundus was distracted by the pain in his eye, Dante jumped up the rocks and slashed at Mundus with Sparda. For some, reason, a pair of false teeth popped out of Sparda when it made contact with Mundus.
"OW!" Mundus wailed "YOU'RE A MEANIE!"
And with that, Mundus attempted to get up and fly away, but he ended up tripping over in the lava, seriously burning him. Mundus let out another wail, this time actually managing to set off to the air, starting a search for a bandage for his boo-boo.
With a flash, Dante was back in the shiny throne room. Dante looked on the ground to see Trish's dead (or so he thought) body. Sparda chose this as a time to start complaining.
"Get a move on there sonny! Ent' got all day, do we?" he said crossly.
A vein became visible on Dante's forehead.
"THAT'S IT, DAD! I'M SICK OF YOUR COMPLAINING!" he yelled angrily at the sword embodying his father.
He looked at Trish's inanimate body on the floor.
"You'd better take care of him, I don't have the patience!" he said "Now, rest, my father is here"
He took out his amulet.
"Now my mother is here…rest in peace"
He then noticed how shiny the amulet was.
"Wait a minute…MINE!" he snatched the amulet off Trish's neck "you got my father, that's enough!"
And with that he stormed off while Mallet Island began to collapse.
Dante was running as fast as he could: not because the entire place was crumbling around him, he didn't notice that yet, but because it was a huge effort to go on a 24 hour mission without going toilet once. He badly needed to take a dump somewhere. He raced past all the enemies that got in his way and smashed his face through the curses that barred the passageways. Eventually, he got to the human realm again. Brilliant…there was bound the be toilets up here…
He raced through the hallways and came to the room with the bi-plane in it. There was a small door that Dante had never noticed before on the wall directly opposite him with the little man on it.
…….Believe me, you don't want me to describe what happened next, so I'll skip to the important bit.
"Ohhh, yeah, that's it!" Dante said pleasure fully.
Eh-heh…I'll skip a bit further.
"How does this thing flush?" Dante asked curiously "maybe I have to stand in it and…"
He managed to flush himself down the toilet, as awkward as that sounds. Dante found himself speeding down a pipe. When he got out, he found himself in a familiar room. It was the pipe room where he had first met the oversized bugs. But there was something completely unexpected in the room there.
Mundus lay hunched up in the corner: Dante had ventured into his sulking spot. Mundus was muttering things such as "Meanie-fo-feanie…" and "poo-poo head" with a sniffle every now and then. Dante cleared his throat.
Mundus slowly turned around and noticed Dante. He burst into tears, and every time he spoke, he couldn't make proper sense, like a toddler who got his favourite toy taken off him.
"YOU!" he screamed loudly "YOURDEONE THA MAYME CRY, YUOMEAN IE! (sniffle)"
It's only been recently that our top scientists managed to translate this into "you! You're the one that made me cry, you meanie!"
Mundus tried to get up and slap Dante, but he fell over and got covered in the urine and crap that filled the room. Soon he was a mess. Mundus then said something that got messed up in his period of crying and we still haven't translated it. Mundus started crawling towards Dante, determined to inflict damage of some sort upon Dante.
Dante easily dodged Mundus' feeble attempts to hit Dante and slashed Mundus with Alastor.
This didn't help with Mundus' tantrum, only making it worse in fact. Mundus let out a mighty wail, then dug his hand into the ground and pulled out a section of the floor, then pulled it over himself as a blanket. Mundus then rolled over to his other side, refusing to look at Dante. When Dante walked over to the other side, Mundus rolled over again, his head held high.
"GOR WAY!" Mundus screamed, meaning to say "go away!" but screwing up.
Then, due to the island's falling apart, the roof collapsed, knocking the bi-plane downwards, separating Mundus from Dante. Since Dante had never flown a plane before, he should have resisted any urges that he got. But what he should have done was a completely different matter to what he did do. Dante immediately hopped in and used the planes machine guns to punch a hole in the wall.
Then, of all the escape plans he could have used… the God of Time had chosen to use the bi-plane, the bi-plane that he was supposed to have used to survive. But, as luck would have it, his worst enemy had gotten in first. Just as Dante was about to put his foot down on the pedal, the God of Time hopped on, unaware that someone else was in it. Dante, sensing something behind him, punched the thing behind him with Ifrit. The God was knocked off, just as the propeller activated, the God of Time held out his hand in a plead for mercy not expecting to see the face of Dante looking at him. Dante, being a complete idiot, took the hand, but instead of pulling it up, he shook it and let go. The last words that the God let out before he was ripped to shreds was that of a surprised tone.
"YOU AGAIN!" he bellowed before he was sucked into the propeller.
"Bye-bye!" Dante said cheerfully as he waved his hand, blissfully unaware of what had just happened.
Then Dante took off, through the tunnels and into the sky, he had finally escaped Mallet Island. But…
"Dante!" Alastor shrieked "you never defeated Mundus!"
"Oops!" Dante said.
"Oh, well," Ifrit said "Mundus wasn't really that strong was he? Some guy or other will kill him some day."
"Yeah…" said Dante, scratching his head "but I can't shake off the feeling that I've forgotten something……"
-On The Cliff at the Edge of Mallet Island-
"COME BACK!" yelled Trish as she ran towards the cliff face waving her arms frantically "COME BACK, I'M NOT DEAD! COME BACK YOU DOLT!"
The rumbling that was coming from the castle intensified.
"Oh, crap!" she muttered.
-In Another Part of the Castle-
ML#1: Careful…don't want to break that weapon!
ML#2: Remember, if that breaks, our plan is ruined!
ML#1: Soon, after all that struggling, we shall RULE ALL!
Both Moles: MUHUHUHAHAHAHAHAAA!
The rumbling sound fills the room
ML#1: Wha-what's going on?
ML#2: I think… the humans have outwitted us again!
Dust and rubble fall from the ceiling and the walls fall apart
ML#1: No…no, I won't accept defeat, I WILL NOT accept defeat! Not after all that!
The entire island falls apart, killing all of the Moles, the super weapon that could've destroyed mankind, Mundus and Trish.
Character Epilogues
Dante is soon back home at Devil May Cry, and since Trish isn't there, they keep the name to Devil May Cry (which is much, much better than the other one), he is no longer the stupidest being on Earth, he has since been taking tutor lessons, and has now beaten the common housefly by 2 IQ.
Encyclopaedia Idiotica: Dante is released the following week. It becomes an instant hit, both children and adults alike buying it to read about the idiotic exploits of Dante, the demon hunter.
Due to the books success, Alastor and Ifrit began their business in showbiz, they are currently the best director combo in Hollywood, directing masterpiece after masterpiece and becoming hugely famous and rich.
Mundus is not yet dead, though he only recently stopped sulking. He decided to get a job and move out of his parents house. He is currently working in McDonalds, as a trainee employee.
Sprinkles the shadow managed to escape the tragedy of Mallet Island. Sprinkles is now living in the sewers, acting as a monster to feed on anyone who goes down there now.
Ever since the entire mole army was swept out, the mole folk have learned their lesson and have never went to the surface again.#
That's it. Done. It's all finally over.
Despite my earlier complaints, I'd like to thank everyone who has given me support from the start, I'm surprised that everyone didn't hate it.
If you did like it, there are more stories by the same author (well, kind of). Don't act surprised, this happens at the end of every book you've read or any VHS you've watched.
DEVIL MAY GROW UP AT SOME POINT, DAMMIT! : Not actually by the same author, but if you've read it already, you'll know that Gromit wrote this (my friend that shares the same pen-name). Remember "Growing Pains", miss it? You won't once you read this. It's a bunch of stories based on Dante's and Vergil's youth, but a bit more…extreme than Growing Pains. And you have my assurance that Gromit is nowhere near running out of ideas.
Of Boredom and Empty Bottles: By me, a one shot that sprung into my head. Not as all out humour as this, but should be funny enough. Dante is bored and lonely in the Devil May Cry, with no beer in the house. He resorts to drastic measures to make the time pass.
Wow, look at that, I successfully made two hyperlinks in the story. As Gromit would say, "gu-man!". Right, serious review time. I know I've already given a lecture (which I am ashamed of, I actually felt like a mature person back there), but I'm all open to ideas. And, I want to hear about what you thought of this story. Not about how great or funny it was, but about any mistakes or things I left out that could have made it better. I dare you. Complain and whine to me as badly as you want, and I'll be grateful.
Go on, become the inner child (like me, but not that childish) say if it could've done with more description or something like that.
Oh, well, I can't ramble on any more, 'cause look! The bottom of the page is just there. Crap. I'm running out of space here, but I'd like to thank all of you who read this. Buh-bye.