Conspiracy Theory
S J Smith
Disclaimer: So very not Joss Whedon. Or any of his crew. Drat it all.
Summary: D. M. Evans asked for Xander, explaining The X-Files to Giles. Mwahahaha.
"Explain to me again this 'ritual'," Giles said, peering over the tops of his glasses at Xander, Willow and Buffy, firmly ensconced on his sofa, popcorn bowl, chips and soft drinks proclaiming their intent to stay exactly where they were for who knew how long.
"Duh," Buffy said, reaching for the popcorn, "it's The X-Files, Giles."
"You can't say it isn't almost like research," Willow added, nabbing a handful of chips.
"Because, you know, it almost is," Xander finished.
"Explain," Giles said, removing his glasses so he could rub the bridge of his nose.
"Well, if it isn't one of the conspiracy theory episodes," Xander began.
"Hate those," Buffy interrupted, somewhat muffled by the popcorn in her mouth.
Xander bobbed his upper body in some fashion, possibly agreement. "Anyway, if it's a M.O.W. episode - "
"A what?" Giles asked.
"'Monster of the week'." The boy had the temerity to roll his eyes. "If it's a M.O.W. episode, well, there'll be a monster. And Mulder and Scully will research the monster and provide us with much knowledge." Buffy nodded, not taking her eyes from the television screen.
Willow had the grace to glance at Giles. "I learned everything I know about autopsies from watching Scully."
Xander pointed at her. "Which came in handy when we thought Oz had killed that guy."
"Which came in handy when we thought Oz might have killed someone," Willow said solemnly.
Buffy bounced excitedly in her seat. "It's the cockroach episode!"
"Ooo, Bambi!" Xander exclaimed, a beatific grin on his face. The girls elbowed him simulataneously. "Ow! What was that for?"
"Xander," Willow said in a quite aggrieved voice, "you know that Scully is Mulder's one true love."
"Yeah," Buffy said, her eyes glazed over in a way that Giles really didn't want to define, "their U.S.T. is off the scale."
He really didn't want to ask but he had to know, so, "U.S.T.?"
"Unresolved sexual tension," the trio responded as one.
"And," Xander went on, throwing his hands at the screen, "just because, you know, U.S.T., it doesn't mean Mulder can't make it with the hot chick. Ow! Will you stop elbowing me?"
Giles sighed and settled into the remaining chair. It looked as if he was going to be in for a very long night.