Harry Potter's 7th year at Hogwarts!

Disclaimer: Okay, I don't own any HP stuff. This will be the only disclaimer.
This is also my first chaptered fic. Enjoy!

Harry Potter was in a good mood, which you wouldn't expect, seeing as he had to defeat the Dark Lord and was faced with the daunting task of finding all of those stupid horcruxes. He was happy because he had miraculously, for the purposes of this story, just gotten huge muscles and long hair. His good mood was enhanced further when he found a box labeled "Voldemort's Secret Horcruxes—DO NOT TOUCH!" under his bed. Upon opening the box he found (surprise!) all of Voldemort's horcruxes. Blatantly ignoring the large-print instructions on the box, he grabbed a hammer and destroyed them all. Then Voldemort came, but he tripped on a chair and paralyzed himself. "What the hell did you do that for?" Voldemort yelled, his words garbled because of the fact that half of his face was immobile. "The instructions on the box clearly stated tha—,". Voldemort didn't finish his sentence. Harry, using his miraculous new muscles, crushed Voldemort's head until it popped. Then he tossed back his mane of hair and mentally killed all the death eaters with the Wandless-magic he had learned all of a sudden.

Reality sunk in 30 seconds later. Voldemort and his followers were dead! Hogwarts could be kept open! The wizarding world was free from the cruel yoke of Voldemort's influence! Harry put on some techno music, got a funny hat, put said hat on, and began dancing. Then a monkey (you can't have a good fanfic without a random reference to monkeys!) attacked his face, but Harry used his wandless-magic to turn it into a mango. Harry then proceeded to eat the mango with chopsticks. It then occurred to him that nothing that had happened in the last few sentences had made any sense in the slightest. As the author was pondering the effort it would take to hit the delete key for the six seconds needed to delete this paragraph, Harry finished up his mango, took off the funny hat, and wandered out of his room.

Then a lucky thing happened. Snape, who had been running for the past week and a half to get away from the constabulary (what a neat British word!), accidentally ran into Harry's house, thinking it was an abandoned warehouse he could hide in. He must have been on crack or something. Harry, who knew that he should probably take the effort to kill Snape while he was unawares, again used his wandless magic to kill snape with a large anvil from the sky. Malfoy came running in right afterwards, panting, "God Dammit Snape, could you at least wait for me to catch up? Jesus," before noticing Harry's presence. He then screamed "all power to the soviets!" before disappearing in a cloud of purple smoke.

None of these happenings put a dent into Harry's good mood. Harry went to go watch TV. His good mood was ruined, however, when he saw an ad for the new 60 less fat Chex Mix. As the phrase "Snack on!" reverberated over and over in Harry's mind, insanity slowly began to sneak in. Insanity snuck back out quickly, however, when the new Geiko ad thankfully appeared on the beautiful, shiny, picture box. Then Harry realized that he was just being used as an outlet by the Author to tell everybody which ads he liked and disliked. "Okay, this is really fucked up. Shit, I have no idea what's going on anymore," thought Harry. But then it occurred to Harry that he might as well be saying what he was thinking, because everybody reading could see his thoughts anyway. This screwed with Harry's mind even more. The confusing blend of fanfiction and Harry's reality began taking it's toll on Harry's poor brain. Shit, it's even taking a toll on my brain. I think I'll get on a new subject now.

Ginny, meanwhile, was having a great summer. She had filled out in all the right places. And when I say that, I mean it. All those other poser fics say she filled out in all the right places, but not like this. I mean, she really filled out in all the right places. Like, it was completely beyond comprehension how much she filled out in all the right places. Plus, she won 15,000 galleons in some sort of weird sweepstakes. With all this new money she bought herself a few thousand buckets of KFC fried chicken. But then she gave all of the chicken to Ron, because she had filled out in all the right places and didn't want to lose the beautiful figure she had attained by filling out in all the right places.

Ron, obviously, ate the chicken with much delight. I mean, it's obvious from all the hidden clues in the sixth book that Ron loves chicken. Any moron who can read between the lines could see that. Ron's appearance had changed over the summer, although not from the chicken. You see, he had gotten into the "long hair" trend that had taken the world by storm. Every time his father saw him (which wasn't often, seeing as he was MINISTER OF MAGIC!) he said something along the lines of, "what's with all this long hair crap these days?" while staring disgustedly at Ron's head. Of course, Ron thought it looked cool. He was always shaking it out of his eyes like it was no big thing, although in reality it was just to show the world (Hermione) how hot he was. Of course, the Author can't say anything, seeing as he's got the "long hair crap" look going too.

That last sentence just rendered half a paragraph completely devoid of any persuasive value it ever had. No use going back now. Anyway…now that we're on the subject of talking about the Author, we might as well say that the Author thinks reviews on this story would be a great way to help him improve as a writer, if he ever wanted to. For example, you could tell Him (notice the capital H) to stop switching between "I" and "The Author". Or you could just forget you ever read this paragraph.

Hermione was having a totally shitty depressing summer. Actually, she was having a great time, but ever since she turned goth at the end of the year, she would never admit to being happy. Yeah, that's right, goth. Never would've expected it, eh? True dat. Hermione dressed almost exclusively in black (in fact, the only non-black article of clothing she had was a pair of blood red socks with skulls on them). She had many chains attached to her pants, creating an annoying jingly noise wherever she walked. An extra effect of those chains was to make it so the pants were falling right off her ass, if they weren't already. Other weird things she did to make herself look "angrier" were to handcuff the legs of her pants together, carry around a large black umbrella even when it was not raining, and made a pair of suspenders out of caution tape.

Hermione's parents were not happy with this change. Of course, since they were both rich, neglectful parents with 85 hour work weeks, they didn't do much to change it. A plus side of having two parents with 85 hour work weeks was that you could listen to as much faggy death metal music as your heart desired. Of course, Hermione really preferred Classical to death metal, but it was better than all that techno crap her retarded parents were into. Who wants to listen to a repeating bass line with random bleeping for 45 minutes? Apparently, rich, neglectful parents with six-digit salaries derive some enjoyment from it, defying all reason.

Okay, now I'm done recapping what all the main characters did over the summer. Now maybe some actual things will happen. Actually, probably not. But hope springs eternal, right?