Author: Caren H
Copyright: 11/13/05
Category: Humor/General
Pairing: DM/HG if anything
Rated: T
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the HP characters, you know the rest.
Letter Fifty Five:
Dear Draco,
Ah... nice to know you like Sex on the Beach. As for your question, I like Seabreeze. Vodka, cranberry juice, and grapefruit juice. M... I LOVE grapefruit. Do you like Tequila Sunrise or are you more of an exotic fruit juice with alcohol person? Sincerely, P.S. Thank you. I rather like the name too.
-Dies of Boredom
Dear Dies of Boredom,
I like Tequila Sunrise, and I also enjoy Sneaky Pete: Lime juice, tequila, pineapple juice, white cream de menthe, with lime slices.
I really don't care for grapefruit however; I really do enjoy cranberry juice.
Not really the exotic fruit type…well maybe I am. It depends.
-Draco
Thank Merlin! I thought you were going to change it again.
Letter Fifty Six:
Dear Draco,
I may not be your greatest fan, but i think it's great that you are with Hermione... do me a favor will you? Smile a bit more:p
yours truly,
dracohermione
P.S. when are you and Hermione going to tie the knot?
Dear dracohermione,
Tie the knot? If you are referring to marriage, then not at the moment because neither one of us are ready for such a huge step.
You are speaking of marriage? I'd rather not have to hex you because you are meddlesome concerning our sex life.
-Draco
Letter Fifty Seven:
Dear Draco Malfoy
I think that you are all right, and I thought you would like to know the real meaning of Yin and Yang which you mentions in one of your replies. Yin is passive, reflective, accepting, dark and Female while Yang is out-going, active, initiating, bright and male. The two are opposites, they are different but complementary ends of unity. One can not live with out the other and I think it fits you and Hermione really well. You are both so different but one can not live without the other. Now this may sound weird but do you think that your own father put a spell on you so you would hate muggle-borns please don't kill me I am just asking. Thanks for reading Nyssale Nomak P.S I know that i may have spelt some things wrong and that my grammar may be bad so please don't point out what i already know.
Dear Nyssale Nomak,
I'm not going to kill you, maybe aggravate you. It's nice to know that you agree with our relationship. You are right. I can't live without her, no matter how insufferable she can be.
I won't question it. My father is demented with his never-ending infatuations.
-Draco
P.S. Nice description, it represents Hermione and I very well.
Letter Fifty Eight:
Dear Draco,
I think the Hermione is a whore! you should go out with Padma Patil! Your Lord and Master, Foamy
Foamy,
My lord and master? You are seriously foaming at the mouth.
You're telling me that Hermione is a whore, rather than Padma?
You must be joking.
Padma's been ridden more times than Hermione's bloody broom!
Do yourself a favor; commit yourself into a psychiatric ward.
Better yet, start running because I'm after you're begrudging arse!
-Draco
Letter Fifty Nine:
Dear Malfoy,
I hate you. I hope you die a horrible and painful death at the hands of Harry Potter. Hermione can do so much better than you, and I think her and Ron Weasley were made for each other. I think you are evil and a scum who should be murdered.
Written with pure hatred,
HarryPotterLover
P.S-There are no grammer mistakes because I am not a bumbling idiot like you are you rotten, good-for-nothing jerk. P.P.S-Harry is way sexier than you, and he is a way better snogger, and I know because I'm Harry's girlfriend Ginny Weasley.
Sodding Twit,
I hate you.
You will die one horrible and painful death soon enough.
Hermione thinks of Ron as a brother you sick freak!
I think you are deranged and corroded.
I don't know who you are but, you are not Weasleyette! She would never say such things you speak off, regardless of her dislike for me you fucking trollop! How do I know? I know this because she and Hermione are always in my company. She is quite refined, not at all as you pretend to be.
-D.M.
P.S. Quite the contrary, you are indeed a bumbling idiot. You can't even spell 'grammar' right. You have terrible sentence structure.
P.S.S Stop with the Ginny charade you wanking imposter!
Letter Sixty:
Dear Draco,
You better stop being so horrible to Ron, my brother, and Harry, my boyfriend. If you don't I will Bat Boegy Hex you into another dimension. I hope you die soon, and I hope the expierience is painful and slow. P.S- Hermione thinks you suck at snogging, we have talked about it. She thinks Ron is better. HAHA you are a loser, and a good for nothing, evil, slytherin slimebag.
With my deepest loathing,
Ginny Weasley
Another (sham) Weaslyette,
Is everyone a fraud? I am appalled by your audacity. You're not even close to my real character.
The next time I see another letter like this, I'll Bat Bogey Hex you into another dimension.
-Ginny Weasley (the real one!)
Letter Sixty One:
Dear Draco,
Again, your fast reply astounds me. Thank you for answering all my questions. Thank you for taking back what you said. You know, you really are quite civilized. I love how you are the cause of the drama unfolding. It just always makes me smile, when you do what you do best. You will always be a kind of… authority to some, by putting them back in their places. My mother is a very good cook, and many of my friends are addicted to her cooking. I am more of a Pop/Rock fan too. Rap is... Well, it makes me want to throw the radio away, I dislike it. June 5 is a very good day to be born. I think one of my friends in Primary School was born on the 4th of June. Do you have any pets? I have 2 dogs, one cat, one budgie (A native Australian bird.) Yes, I live in Australia. One day, bring Hermione and yourself over for a visit, and a cool drink and some biscuits or cake. It would be pleasure to have you, and could you possibly curse our neighbors, they always give us hell, for no reason. The street thinks they're crazy. What are your favorite colors? Just curious to know. Thank you for the compliment on my spelling. See you, Sincerely, Tia. P.S. Say 'Hi' to Hermione for me, and I like how you call her dawn in French, I think it was.
Dear Tia,
Thank you. I've been saying that for years. Well, I love to taunt others.
Maybe we should switch mothers. It's horrible that I can't even remember a good home cooked meal that wasn't cooked by the one of the house staff.
I have many pets: three cats, which are all Abyssinian, one black leopard, one white tiger, three owls, and the first one is a Burrowing owl, and the last two are Snowy owls from the areas of North America, and finally one Wyvern dragon. Mum wouldn't let me have the Hungarian Horntail because one of the many things they enjoy to eat are humans.
I would love to curse your neighbor's!
Hermione and I will be sure to visit. She misses the Muggles.
You should know my favorite colors, green and silver of course.
You are very smart and I like talking to you—and that's saying a lot, coming from me.
-Draco
P.S. Hermione say's hello.
Letter Sixty Two:
Malfoy,
I see our sister wrote to you. (F)
That was dumb. (G)
Anyway, (F)
We wanted to know if you'd donate some money to our shop. (G)
Don't hate us because of Ron. (F)
Or we'll have you as the end of a joke. (G)
Hermione won't care. (F)
We asked her. (G)
-Fred and George Weasley, Co-Owners of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes
Weasley Twins,
Yes, Weasleyette has sent fan mail. Including two other frauds and it's getting quite tiresome. (F)
I found it dumb as well, though she was civilized about it. (G)
If I'm at the end of one of your juvenile jokes, I'll have you at the end of my hex. (G)
Hermione say's that she wouldn't care either. (F)
I told her. (G)
I'll donate you two doppelganger's some money, consider it charity. (G)
I don't hate you two but, I certainly don't like you either. We do share a pastime, and that is pulling pranks on others.
-Draco
Letter Sixty Three:
Dear Draco,
You are incredibly sexy.
Sincerely,
Secret Admirer
Dear Secret Admirer,
I know.
Sincerely,
Draco
Letter Sixty Four:
Draco,
I saw you and Hermione last night. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.
-anonymous
Dear anonymous person,
Are you into voyeurism?
Students have their own dorms for a reason you perverted animal!
-Draco
P.S. You disgust me!
Letter Sixty Five:
Dear Draco,
Answer this. Would you ever consider posing in a jockstrap for the ladies? Before you make a smart ass comment, Madam Areola is not my real name. I just take great pride in my nipples just as you take great pride in...everything involving you, and Hermione of course, and yes, I am a total pervert. I also know that my grammar may very well be incorrect, but hey, who the hell cares anyway?
The one and only,
Madam Areola
Dear Madam Areola,
I already have, before Hermione of course. Why do you think all Slytherin parties are the best?
I like the name. It's so…bold.
You have good grammar.
I don't like perverts. You need to rid of that.
You should take pride in your nipples. If you don't, then who will?
I take great pride in my pen…lets not get into that. There might be children reading.
-Draco
Letter Sixty Six:
Dear Draco,
I am very happy that Hermione has finally found her soul mate, and wish her the best of luck with the girls that are despising her for it. Draco is a good match for her...he's very nice.
-Luna Lovegood
Dear Lovegood,
Why are you speaking in third-person? Are you writing to me, or about me? I'm not a bloody story to be told, especially by you.
-Draco
P.S. Thanks.
Letter Sixty Seven:
Draco,
Thank you for replying so speedily. That is an interesting story of how you two got together.
I am simply going to ask one more question in hopes you will answer. What is your favorite type of music now that we know Hermione's is Pop/Rock fan?
Amanda
P.S. I hope that I did not insult you seeing as you did not insult me.
Dear Amanda,
I detest Pop/Rock.
I'm not really into muggle music, but if I had to choose from the little exposure that I've heard, I would have to say Alternative Rock. I've only heard one band in this category and that would be "Coldplay".
Other than that, I'd rather stick with my Wizard's Wireless Network. I just can't get enough of the "Weird Sisters".
-Draco
P.S. You didn't insult me…this time.
Letter Sixty Eight:
Draco,
I'm doing an essay on you and I was hoping that you could give me any valuable facts on your life. I'd really appreciate it. -Rockafella Jones
Dear Rockafella Jones,
No.
Read the books.
-Draco
Letter Sixty Nine:
Dear Draco,
Why the fuck are you dating Hermione! You should be dating Pansy, even Bulstroede. Their both rich! I've lost immense respect for you! I hate you! -1123548868568 P.S. Hermione is the dirt that EVERYONE walks on.
Dear Family of the Robot,
By the time you have received this letter; your relative would have already been Obliviated.
If you don't know what that is, then you'll soon find out.
Good luck helping him with his memory loss.
-D.M.
P.S. What the hell is with the name! Are you all androids?
Letter Seventy:
Dear Draco,
I just wanted to say that I think you're a god and that I love you. It's so funny when you put people in their places but it is extra hilarious when they actually argue back. I'm glad you and Hermione are finally a couple. You two were definitely made for each other and anyone who disagrees or doesn't like it can go to hell. When you actually called Pansy a whore I nearly died from laughter. I absolutely hate the bitch and she too can go to hell. I really can't stand when people insist that you two should go out. I also really loved when you called Blaise a male prostitute. That was classic but so true. And I do realize there's probably going to be mistakes in here such as letters being switched around since I am dyslexic. So please don't make fun as I'm kind of self conscious about it. However, I did look over it. Much love,
Crimson Suicide
Dear Crimson Suicide,
Well, I've certainly taken a like to you. You think I'm a God! I know you love me.
People have such nerve! They obviously don't know who they're up against.
I like you're outlook. If anyone disagrees with our relationship then they can go to hell.
When will Parkinson see that she's a skunk whore and I loathe her?
Luckily for you, I didn't find many mistakes, nothing I couldn't fix quickly, which is something I don't normally do. I prefer to criticize people about it.
If you are dyslexic, it just means that you are gifted: uncanny vital thinking skills, more curious, creative, and intuitive then the average. So really, you're quite the genius, along with a few side effects.
So what you get confused by the alphabets. Look at Crabbe, he's considered average and he happens to be the stupidest person I've had the pain of knowing.
Sincerely,
Draco
Letter Seventy One
Listen Pretty Boy,
I'm prepared to bury the hatchet since your arguments, though fiery, are pretty pathetic and groundless. However, just want to ask why the hell you spell criticise the AMERICAN way, with a z, when you are British. Or have you forgotten that? - Stephanie
Stephanie,
It's a new habit.
I like the American way.
I'm versatile moron! Do you know how many different cultures admire me? I haven't forgotten what I am. Have you?
What about you, argument or arguement? I'm not the only one who's versatile. It's not a compliment.
And your arguements are not groundless? When I pointed out you're faults, they were justified. You threw fire, and I threw hell your way. So, don't send me bloody letters telling me that my arguements are pathetic! This letter is pretty pathetic.
-Draco
Letter Seventy Two:
Dearest Drakey-poo,
My darling Drakey, i luv yu and yu shud comeback too me. Hermonie is a slut and a bitch and yu shud come fuc mee. i luv yu and i hope yu will cum bac 2 mee. Pansy P.
Little girl,
You have a filthy mouth and I don't ever want to receive letters from you.
Where'd you hear such language anyway? What language are you speaking? Nevermind, I'm not even going to get into you're lack of intelligent's. Obviously, you are too young to know any better.
Luckily for you, I am not your parent. Or else, I would literally scrub your mouth clean!
-Draco
Letter Seventy Three:
Draco,
Thanks again for replying speedily. Now I do not see why people insist on being bloody idiots and impersonate Ginny. She is a lovely person and should not be impersonated. And whoever thought that they could even remotely sound like her is positively insane. She is a well-mannered, sophisticated young woman and should not have to deal with that. Tell Ginny to find them and hex them. Now, on to you. Of course I would not insult you. You are the best match for Hermione and everyone should know that and if they don't then they should be hexed. You two are gorgeous together. Well, you're gorgeous apart so you are even more together. I can already tell you that the person who wrote something about you and Hermione tying the knot was referring to marriage. Sincerely,
Amanda
Dear Amanda,
I don't know about lovely but, she is at least civilized.
Insane, I wouldn't even give them that much credit. They are far worst than insane.
Believe me, Weasleyette wanted to and I really wanted to see that. However, Hermione wouldn't allow her to do so.
Damn her! However, I still love the girl, regardless of her kindness towards the intolerant.
Those who did disagree are either in a mental ward, or possibly crippled, (you didn't hear that from me.)
We are a sexy couple, aren't we? Though she won't say it, Hermione knows how to show off the goods.
Please, no more mentioning of marriage. Maybe it'll happen one day but, not now.
-Draco
Letter Seventy Four:
Dear Draco,
I have just got the 411 on the fact that you and that lovely Ms. Granger are together.
To be bold, I must know this information.
1)How many girlfriends have you had in the past?
2)Does Hermione know about them?
3)Is your relationship been going good?
4)Are her friends upset with you?
5)Are you still regaurded as the prince of slytheryn?
Thank you for answering these!
Rita Skeeter
Dear Rita Skeeter,
1.) None of your business!
2.) No!
3.) Excellent,
4.) Of course they are, and I couldn't care less.
5.) Yes, I am still "regarded" as the "Slytherin" prince you flying dig bat.
Don't mail me anymore questions, you noisy old bag!
P.S. Be sure to have somebody edit you're horrific spelling. How did you get a job as a journalist?
-Draco
Letter Seventy Five:
Dear Draco,
I'll make a nice long (maybe not long...) letter with many mistakes because I know you love to correct them;
2 0
mi home-boi! i no u no b responding to letters no more but may-b u resume! I hope so mucho! My b-day is June 3rd, us Gemini's rule! I think u r kinda cute, K!NDA though. Cedric is betta! s0rry. Do you know any other languages?
Yo se espanol, pero la problema es que no hay accentos aqui y no puedo escribir muy bien. Tambien yo se Hebrew.
Ta ta,
Moigh
Dear Moigh.
No, you misunderstand me completely. I don't love to correct mistakes. I love to point out idiocy, which I will gladly do now:
You are one unusual, bored, and annoying fanatic who needs serious help.
You're right, you can't write very well. Not in English or Spanish. Don't blame it the lack of accents! Get global service.
Who care's what your zodiac sign is?
Everyone knows I'm cute. I don't need to be reminded.
Cedric isn't alive! How retarded are you?
-Draco
P.S. Κάνετε του καθενός μια εύνοια και πάρτε μια ζωή. Good luck understanding that.
Letter Seventy Six:
Dear... oh what the hell,
My friend has this big crush on you since, like, EVER! I personally got the hots for Cedric Diggory, he is one smoking guy. You are pretty cute too, and Hermione is gorgeous, so I say hi to you both.
Lil Sweet Suga PS- (not in letter) I know the name is stupid but w/e
Dear Lil Sweet Suga,
That isn'tnew; every girl has a crush on me, unless they are lesbians.
Either you people are ignorant, or flat out disrespectful. Respect the dead!
Hey, hands off my Hermione. She doesn't float that way. Hermione rather likes the dangly bits.
-Draco
P.S. Your name is indeed stupid. It sounds like a stripper name.
Letter Seventy Seven:
Dear Draco, do you partake in anything muggle? I am thinking like baking, watching movies etc.
-Au Revoir
need drugs
Dear Au Revoir,
I enjoy skateboarding.
I don't bake!
Do I look like some soft patsy?
Do you chop wood?
Muggle movies are either predictable, or pointless. I hate them so far.
I don't particularly like muggle theatres either. The people can be so rude, which later results in havoc on my account. Oh, and don't worry. None of the Muggle's remembers being hexed. I erased any and all memories regarding magic.
-Draco
P.S. What do you have?
Letter Seventy Eight:
Dear Draco,
Why are you going out with mudblood Granger? After all those years we had together, how could you do this to me? I thought you loved me. And to find out you cheated on me with that filth, it almost killed me. So I am asking you one more time, drop the extra weight, and come back to me. The beds still warm ;)
Pansy
Whore,
In order to cheat on someone, they have to actually date one another! I've never and will never date you.
Love you? Merlin! The thought of it makes me shudder.
You are filth, regardless of your blood status. I'm not the only one who thinks that either. You'd better consider your friends. There are plenty of rumours circulating around Slytherin in regards to you.
Parkinson is easy.
Parkinson will sleep with anything with two legs…possibly four.
I heard she was having an affair with professor Trelawney, and in her fourth year, with professor Snape.
I'm certain that there is room for plenty but, I'm not one of them.
-D.M.
Letter Seventy Nine:
Draco,
So, I was wondering when we could finally sleep together. I've been craving you for the last few days, please, make my wishes come true, your loving girlfriend,
-Hermione
FRAUD,
I was thinking, NO!
You are not my girlfriend!
Make my wishes come true: GET BURIED ALIVE!
-Draco
Letter Eighty:
Draco,
Mate, we really need to do something drastic, like old times and soon. I think this is the longest we have gone without pranking the Gryffindorks. So I thought we could do something to Pothead and Weasel. I was going to say we should also do something with Granger, but you're dating her, so there really isn't anything we can do to her, well me anyway.
You could do anything to her, wink wink.
-Blaise
P.S. Don't let Hermione read this letter, she might get mad!
Blaise,
You're damn right we're not going to do anything to my Hermione you crack pot!
As for Potty and Weasel, something can be arranged. You know where to my find me.
And that's not an invitation you prostituting queer.
Do I have to cut out your eye sockets as well?
-Draco
Letter Eighty One:
Drakeypoo,
Hello Draco, this is Madame Silmskay writing you. I think you are devilishly handsome, and, as my friend Madame Stephie would say, "I want you in my pants". So give me a call anytime you like, and i'll be waiting, toddles.
Madame Silmskay
Perverted Animal,
Listen to me you horny bat! Why don't you shag yourself?
There's no way in Azkaban that I would ever get into your pants.
Don't wait up!
I'm not your toddles!
-D.M.
Letter Eighty Two:
Hey, Draco
I don't think anyone has asked this before but, I just wanted to know: boxers or briefs?
And please reply. I really want to know.
Yours truly,
Kelly
Dear Kelly,
Boxers.
Briefs really don't have enough room, if you know what I mean.
-Draco
End Of Letters
Dear Fans, Frauds, and Retards,
I would like to thank you all for your words of kindness, stupidity, and hatred.
I have found them quite enjoyable and irritating, and I couldn't be more appreciative and thankful for everyone sending in your fanmails, though fifty percent of them were a bloody waste of my time and your paper.
But, as you all know, all things must come to an end and I am growing tired and annoyed by majority of your letters. I have a life that I must get back to, which is something that some of you wouldn't understand if it hit you in the face.
With much fondness, or dislike,
-Draco Malfoy
P.S. For those of you who were intelligent and respectful, you will receive an extra packet of signed Draco t-shirts, with my lovely face directly on the front, and back of you're shirts. Enjoy!
As for the unintelligent, rude, and nasty, if you are still breathing, you are considered lucky because most of you have been dwelt with, either missing, or seriously damaged. You brought it upon yourselves! I'm sure nobody will miss anyway:
The Robot
Stephanie
Pansy (Prostitute!)
Pansy Imposters
Hermione Imposters (Most likely dead.)
My Mother Frauds, (Mum did it.)
My Father Frauds
Rita Skeeter
Moigh
Luna Lovegood, (because you are strange.)
Weasleyette Imposters
Foamy (You're insane!)
Pretend family members
Sad Admirer
Weasel
SingfortheMoment
Maggi
Little Billy
Jacob "M-Dawgg" Smith
Jessiee
Potty
Swimfan
May God be with them.
A/N: And that'sall folks. It's finished, so if you send anymore letters, than you're short. If you're interested in Hermione's Fan Mail then check out hpfreaks815 new piece and Flair Vernona the Slytherin Queen's Letters To Snape.