in the Lee ...

I have begun to feel guilty about the obsession. It has taken its toll on my life. The level of distraction has reached nearly epic proportions, I am lucky no one has died. Her voice, once a sound that could make all the muscles in my neck seize in hostility, is so conspicuously absent that my neck feels naked and weak like a piece of undercooked meat. The sounds she isn't making in my life are echoing in my heart with the last words I said to her.

"I need all my pilots, even the screw ups…" Damn it I wish I could eat those words, I wish she would come back and make me. If I don't find away to deal with the silence she has left behind, it could cost me more than my sanity, my focus on my job is tentative and my grasp on right and wrong is weak and full of self doubt. I wish I could put my finger on why I feel this way. We are pilots, we live knowing each time we do our job one , or both of us may not come back. Damn her she is always supposed to come back, not blink out of my view without so much as a wave. She could be dead now…my heart says she's not, but my mind…well she could very well be.

Logically my need for her presence is normal, well as close as those things get when your race has been nearly wiped out. She is an equal, she is familiar, she knows me. These things are rare, she remembers me with braces. She remembers me skinny with hair that wouldn't lay down and freckles she had counted on sunny days when we were supposed to be studying. She remembers Zak and she remembers I loved my brother. Besides my father she is the only one. Something in me needs someone to remember that I loved him. That his loss did things to me that I never thought possible. The guilt, pain and darkness that I felt, I did not feel alone. The anger, misplaced, perhaps, that forged in me a harshness that had never been communicated. I had been a nice boy. I had been the gentleman. My naughty exploits carefully hidden from family and most everyone else. Except Zak, except her. They were around when I would break, when the parts of me I kept hidden would surge to the surface and lash out crying for release.

"Frak you, I have no intention of leaving…" I eyed the bigger man feeling the beginning of warmth in the pit of my stomach. He was grinning, sizing me up. He clearly thinks that I am scrawny, little, maybe with a 'little' mans complex. I think he has a small brain. The thought makes me laugh. He is not amused, he doesn't know I'm not either, just sad that he is so lacking. As he scowls and hurls some more insults about me sitting in his spot I feel the warmth climb out of my stomach and start into my blood stream. I am so damn tired of being nice, of people thinking this face is the face of an angel meek and mild. I grip the half empty bottle, the one of many, a little tighter considering the burn.

"you don't even look old enough to be here…I wonder if the MP's would like that bit of information." He has played the last card he holds. It's a good one. I laugh bitterly. The MP's had let me in. But they had told me to be good, because they would deny it if I got in any trouble. Adama, sure but we don't know a thing, we could lose our jobs. Chances are, they would never let me in again, but then again they said that last time.

I had aced the test, I had watched the girl in front of me in class break down and cry like a baby, I had gotten the best score, only I knew I wasn't the best. I knew even if my scores blew everyone else away that the nagging fear in the pit of my stomach meant that I wasn't. The adrenaline that pumped through me from the nearly botched landing was fierce and it was eating a hole in me. They all assumed I was fearless. The whole class had responded to my call sign with a mocking respect, but they had all thought I was the best. They laughed at the little boy with the big name but all bowed to my ability. Ability means squat when your body tries to betray you at the hint of malfunction. Every time I completed a test, every time I aced a drill, they all acted like there was nothing in the worlds that would have changed that outcome. I could feel my stomach drop with every take off and the buzz in my ears during every drill, they had no idea that I was afraid, completely petrified each and every time until my landing gear was back on the ground.

The bottle in my hand felt like it was heating to my touch and the big man was pushing my shoulder. What a fool. I wasn't scared now. This was familiar, this was right. I could feel the red haze descending over my vision. I warned him to leave me alone. He was not getting it.
"Frak off, and that's a suggestion you should seriously think about following." I felt the steel in my voice I know that this will erase all the doubt, the fear. As I swing the half full bottle at his head the red line of anger replaces the flutter of fear.

"Lee, Lords, you broke the guys nose and his left hand. He was twice your size." Zak is reaching through the bars to push the bandage back up on my forehead. His brown eyes full of worry and complete amazement. "you are gonna get yourself killed one of these times. " he paused trying to decide if I was listening. " I asked the sarge to cut you a break but he says this is the third time this quarter you have been in here. I take it you aced the test? " It really wasn't a question, he knew I had because he was here to get me "Why is your celebration ritual so brutal?"

He was trying so hard to get it. I could never tell my little brother that I was scared, and that in order to feel strong, to erase the fear, I had to take on something that should be able to kick my ass, and win. This time it had been a 6'4" 230 pound marine. I could never show him just how broken I really am. Though he knew better than most.

I had a concussion and a dislocated shoulder, as well as three broken toes and bruised ribs, but the marine was the one that had to be carted out. The coup de gras was when he found out I was 18 he had grinned and spit blood at me. He had said, "someday flyboy, you will get yours." but he had winked at me and I knew he realized there was no way I should have beat him. Winning was just something that happened. It
deflated the purpose to have him realize it.

"Apollo, you crazy bastard!" Her voice cut across the cement room with a warm barb. Zak's head snapped up and his face went from concerned to amazed as she worked her way across the room to the bars where he stood. I felt as if I was going to be sick. She had been my friend for so long, our friend. But I couldn't face her. Then she said the thing that changed my world forever.

"I kicked your ass in drills today, I watched the replay." She stood gazing at me cocky and completely at ease in the cell block. I watched as Zak tried to fathom this. Someone do better than his brother? How is that possible? I eyed her thinking she must be joking. "your 180 was a bit skippy and your trajectory after sucked. I could take you out with my eyes closed if they would let me drill with your group." My chest felt like the fire that had yet to go out was rekindling.

"Starbuck, you are always so full of shit… every one knows Lee is the best." I hear in his voice he believes it and it makes me blush. But the idea that she had called me on the very things that I had been thinking…I was suddenly more interested in her opinion than I had been since I met her. She steps up to the bars where I had been resting my head, reaches in and shoves my head away…"I would kick your ass, Adama." Suddenly I wanted to know if she could.

Three weeks later she proved it. It was a completely irresponsible thing to do. We could both be kicked out. But we had decided to settle it once and for all. Setting up the times and stealing the slots so that the pilots who were supposed to be drilling were just a few minutes too late to stop us had been easy. After we were in the air was the hard part. I couldn't call her 'jester' it was too weird and she refused to call me anything but Apollo so we were found out after we gained enough air that they wouldn't call us back. In front of the whole squad, and all the instructors we flew. As she tailed me and tested me the feeling in my stomach changed, from burning fear to a ravenous hunger , as she pushed me and evaded me it grew into respect and as she dropped to get me into her sites and the alarms went off the adrenaline had changed flavor to something satisfying. As her alarms went off, I heard her gasp and there was no going back. When we ended up in the brig until we could be brought before the panel, we locked gazes.

"I knew it…"

"Knew what?"
"that it would feel like that." She was flushed. "that being with someone like you would be like that."

"someone, like me?…" I felt strangely proud for once.

"well more specifically someone like me..ya know ego stroking and all. You fly better than all of the punks around here. I still can't figure out why we aren't in the same class."

"they were assigned by test scores…"

"obviously, that is not a valid process." she was smirking.

"obviously," I couldn't help it I agreed and what's more I realized the difference. "Flying and taking tests …two different skills"

"do you ever get scared?" Her eyes were huge, her tone overly casual.

"nah, I used to though.." I said knowing it was true now

"me too, I should have known flying with you would be different…" she trailed off as if she was talking more to herself than me. "it was kinda like finding someone to dance with who actually knew the steps. Its weird part of me needed to know there was someone else who could keep up or heavens forbid, beat me."

I smiled at her analogy, that was thing about her, people underestimated her all the time. I had been just as guilty. Sure she talked big, but I had just learned she didn't do it without a reason. It was the perfect compliment, people overestimated me and underestimated her. It was balance.

"I don't get it Lee, " Zak's brown eyes searching. "it's not like you at all." He is hurt, disappointed and damn it how could I tell him that he was wrong.

"She left me Zak, I have no choice in the matter…" I feel sick, tired, and a morbid melody refuses to leave my head. The shock of my situation and the absolute relief that she didn't want to be with me anymore was crushing.

"Bullshit, Lee " he whispers. He knows. "no woman would leave you unless you let them. Hell, made them." I wanted to argue the point, but I couldn't because of who it would mean bringing into it. It would mean admitting things he really didn't want to know.

"Just the same, Zak she did." I think maybe I should move the waste basket closer in case my stomach decided to give up the fight. I feel tears and know I don't deserve to shed them. He sees them and misreads them. He wraps his arms around me and I smell his room, his things, his leather jacket. I remember helping him with scraped knees and beating up the bully that shoved him down. I can smell Kara as well…it makes me pull back.

"Oh Lee, I am sorry, I never should have doubted that you tried with her….I just can't believe she doesn't want you there …I can't even imagine what it would feel like to know that you have a child that you will never know…" His honest face, his concern, the smell of Kara on his clothes…I break down. I cry and he holds me like a child. He looks scared but I can see he feels proud that I have let him in. We dance like this a lot. He pushes, I break. I push he gives. Brothers. He knows almost everything about me that I know. Almost.

"maybe she will change her mind, " He is trying to reassure me and I fight the panic that statement causes. He feels me tense but thinks he knows why. "it could happen, I mean who would leave those baby blues, everyone knows my brother is the hottest pilot in the air, and the best catch, I can't believe she is that dense." He is working it. Selling it, because he thinks I need it. I swallow the bile in my mouth.

"Well, I have heard about you Adama's but I never believed it.." her voice makes Zak sit up straighter. But he doesn't let go of me quick enough as I lose the contents of my stomach into the trash can. I can't look at her.

"Kara, hey listen we were just…" His voice had gone softer yet and the tone made my next heave painfully intense.

"I think I know what this is about, and yes Mr. Losing your lunch, there are a couple people who know but its consensus that she's an idiot. " Her tone is soft as well, and when I force myself to look at her I realize she knows more than she is saying. She also has slight disdain and something else in her eyes." I have issued the edict that this is top secret and the parties involved have agreed to the terms. She was implicit that it was her decision. Your honor is safe, as is your pocket book." I see the hostility now. Again I purge.

"I never meant for this…."

"Nah, Lt. I imagine it was the last thing on your mind at the time." Was she scolding me?

I glance as Zak, who was trying to get the puke off his sleeve. How dare she? I knew the things she pulled, I knew the stuff that happened before she and Zak had hooked up officially. He may have met her first but I was in school with her. His wild, happy, existence had drawn her into the stage act that was my world as well as his. And tonight, for your viewing pleasure, Lee Adama plays the hero, the victim, and the honor bound self sacrificing knave…Gods, I love Zak I tell him everything I can without letting him down if I can help it. This was just too much…too much. I had frakked up and he was trying to help me again. He never understood my dark side, everything I did made perfect sense to him, because I made it. Too bad it didn't to me.

"Kara don't. you know no one feels worse about this than Lee." I choke, there is nothing left in my stomach.

"Oh, I am sure about that Zak, No one…not even Gianne, right? "

"stop."

"Don't be so blind Zak, your hero is being less than honorable here. "

"Kara! I will not hear this, we can talk about this later but you will not say that about my brother.."

"Frak you Zak, He couldn't keep his pants on and he is avoiding paying the price."

"Kara….Leave."

"no.." I say softly. "she is right." I look at her, unable to look at Zak, not having the strength to look at Zak.

Her eyes are blazing and her voice is ice, but there is something there, its subtle, its familiar.

"You let us down."

Its betrayal.

"I did, and it won't be the last time, I am sure…"

"stop, Lee, come on you are just messed up…lets go put you to bed. We will talk about this in the morning.

"She will be gone in the morning…" I wonder if she wants me to fix it. If she had jumped on the fan-wagon and wanted me to be 'that' Apollo. It hurt but if she pushed me…I would, it would fix so much.

"you weren't going after her…" it wasn't a question. It was fact. Zak didn't catch it. "what if it had been me? What if something like this happened to me?"

"Kara, this isn't about you." Except we both knew it was. "you wouldn't let anything potentially effect your job. Its too important to you, right? I mean its not the same thing as dating one of your students." I tried not to wince at the look on Zak's face.

"frak you Lee, I will not take that from you." I heaved nothing into the stinking trash can.

"you take nothing from me, Kara, because I refuse to give you anything." The anger, the hunger , the pain all came out at that moment. I stared at her and tried to steel myself for the questions for the demands that my brother would have. I was shocked when he stood up looked at us both and left.

"you finally killed his hero Lee…." her voice surprisingly, sad. "you have been trying to for so long…you finally did it. Do you think you could have done it without messing up so many people's lives? Or did you have to do it as spectacularly as you do everything else? You always have to be the best …don't you?" The bitterness was scathing but her eyes were full of tears. I wasn't sure if they were for her or me.

"his hero never existed, …its always been a lie…" I wanted to stop breathing. Wanted to sink into the ground and forget everything. I wanted to go back and not do so many things that I had done.

"maybe, or maybe I had a hand in his death?" Suddenly I realize she is blaming herself.

"Kara, we are not having this discussion."

"It was a mistake Lee…it wasn't anyone's fault, we made it right." Her eyes were full of pain. "it was just one kiss." her voice trailed off into nothing.

"That's where you are wrong…and you know it. I understand, don't think I don't but I will not lie and say it meant nothing. I will not explain this to you, when I know you already know. I want him to be happy damn it."

"so you distracted yourself? You dove head first into this Gianne thing?"

"I dove in with more than my head, unfortunately. " it was my turn to be bitter.

"Lee,…" I see she is about to comfort me. I don't deserve it.

"Kara go take care of my brother, I don't need you. I don't want you. You're right, it meant nothing." I make my voice hard, hateful. She stares at me and shakes her head.

"you like being two dimensional, you want to be the hero, you want things to be spelled out for you. Well read this Adama. I am going to marry your brother and you are a coward for letting that woman walk away carrying your baby. I will never mention it again and I will forgive your weakness because it's the only time I suspect you will ever show it. Zak doesn't deserve to take the blunt of this and you need to make sure he knows his hero is still intact. You go ahead, be the good guy, never mind all this background shit. You step up Apollo, you be all those things he thinks you are. But know this…I know what broke you and I will never allow myself to do that to you again. I will not be the Achilles heal in this story. If you fail again, it will have nothing to do with me."

"I never said this was your fault."

"yes you did. The minute you kissed me, the second that you decided you could make me see you beyond the pilot, beyond the brother, beyond the friend you did. You took all that crap and shoved it on me…frak that, its not mine and I don't want it. I love him. I don't have room for you too. You don't get to win here. You frakked up, maybe if you hadn't this would be different but you did and now we deal."

"is he going to pass?" I let the drink slide down my throat as I watch my brother stuff money in a stripper's pants. She leans over to me, the smell of ambrosia floating from her lips, which I refuse to look at, to my nose.

"he is doing fine Lee, what you don't think he can keep up with you?" She meets my eyes, her expression hard and challenging. I shrug, I have nothing to fight with her about. I take a drink, a big one.

"he has beat me at a game I didn't even know I was playing apparently." I wanted the alcohol to take hold faster so I drink again, even more deeply. I grin at Zak who is now receiving the attention of two topless wait staff in the fine establishment we were at. She cocks an eyebrow at me.

"He sure didn't know he was playing..are you insinuating that I did?" her gaze tells me to tread carefully.

"Nah, you know what Kara, lets leave it. I am happy for you guys, I really am. You believe me don't you?"

"I do Lee. I know that the last few months have been hard for you. I know there were lots of confused feelings and an occasional break down thrown in. We both love you so much, I hope you know that." She has taken 'that' tone with me. The one that makes me think of my mother. Zak is blushing now and trying to pry the tall red heads hands off his ass as we watch. I laugh despite myself and Kara whistles winking at him. I try really hard not to think about it. So hard in fact that I move to help my little brother with the red head.

I walk over to where they are molesting the youngest Adama and put my hand on the red heads hand pulling it away from Zak.

"His lady, " I thrust my chin back indicating Kara. "would like you to refrain from touching her man." I nearly laugh at Zak's face, a mixture of surprise and awe. The red head immediately focuses on me and I see her playfulness change to predatory instinct.

"Lee, Damn." He is amused but he loves to watch me work.

"besides I feel a little weird about letting you molest my little brother in front of me…it just seems wrong not to make sure he is ok."

"So …Big brother…you gonna protect him from the big bad girly?" She hasn't looked back at him. Her eyes are all mine. I smile. She flickers and I can almost hear a growl escaper her. She gauges my smugness and decides to up the ante. "maybe brothers are close? Two incredible hunks of male right here." and she reaches to grab him again but her eyes never leave mine. I tilt my head and shake it, barely just enough to indicate that I did not agree, that I wouldn't play it that way. She is quick she drops her hand before it touches him. She also motions behind my back to the other girl and decides to go for broke. The leggy brunette slides up behind me and leans in running her hands down my back. "well sisters then?" I laugh, Zak forgotten. They are like wolves circling their prey. They don't know I am the leader of the pack.

"If you are sisters, I'm a holy Lord." The red head slips her hand into my front right pocket. I meet her blue eyes daring her to take me on.

"Apollo…" Kara sounds, miffed. It makes me smile and the red head seems to like the smile so I turn it up. She looks positively ravenous now.

"well, " throaty purring like a cat. "I guess that settles that." I follow her as she leads me, with brunette in tow, away from the table.

"I have to admit, I feel better knowing you are out there somewhere flying." She kicks the empty bottle away from where we sit on the ledge of her apartment building. I grab it before it falls. It makes me feel more peaceful now that she has said it, though it doesn't erase the pain or the anger.

"you don't have to go."

"you are wrong Lee, I do …"

"I will never forgive you…" I feel the anger start to climb again.

"you will, it may take a while but you will." She is looking at me, her voice is sure but her eyes say she is betting. That it's a bluff and she's trying to peek at my hand.

"He killed him Kara…"

"frak you Lee, it was an accident…don't start that shit again."

"Stop, this is not how I want to leave."

"since when do you think you get to chose? "

"well hell, definitely not since I met you…"

"why? Why us? Why is it like this for us?" She is frustrated.

"I wish I could tell you…I wish I knew." I see her fiddling with her hands. Drunken thoughts taking our last few minutes away from us. "I don't think it will ever change."

"I loved him"

"I know."

"don't forget that ok?"

"I wont, I loved him too…"

"I know"

"so did your father…"

"enough, I'm done with this.."

"I will miss flying with you…"

"its never been enough…"

"Shut up."

"it never will be, you made your choice…I can't compete with either Adama."

"damn it Lee…"

I leave her crying. She rarely cries. I happen to be gifted, I can make statues cry, it's a skill. Everyone has a skill. So many things to say, no time, no place. I feel sick that I will be flying without her for the rest of my life. I fully expect to fireball into a landing strip fairly soon. Experimental test pilots have notoriously short life spans. If not it will still be when hell freezes over before I set foot on the Galactica. Her posting to my fathers ship…it made me feel like I was coming in second , again. What the hell was it with her?

I get every thing I want, when I want it. I am Damn good at what I do. I have never had to pursue a woman, and the guilt of my feelings for her where Zak is concerned, though immobilizing, had taken on a morbid fascination quality. As if her hurting me made it better, easier to bear. But now …she was going to my father, the last place I could reach her or at least would. She had removed her painful reminder of life from me. Did that make me dead? She had done it without a thought.

Well two could play that game. I had two and half years of service left. I would wait it out. Then I am gonna get the hell out. This life was eating away my humanity. I walked into the base pub not realizing I had made it that far, that fast. My flight is scheduled for 0800. I motion to the bartender and get a drink set in front of me.

"Apollo?" the soft female voice makes me start but also makes me release the tension in my back. I turn, slowly feeling the muscles pull and let out as I do so. I drink the entire contents of the glass before my eyes fall on her. Blond, 5'6" a little skinny and her eyes are the wrong color.

"hey"

"hey yourself"

"leaving in the a.m…."

"and your point is?"

"right" I get up. She stands and grabs her jacket. So much for Picon.

Hell, it seems is freezing over. Galactica looms ahead of me and I hate her. My viper looks alien and way too shiny next to her. I wonder how Starbuck feels about it, if the brig is as antiquated. I try not to sound like I hate the very air in her holds when I land but the chief is kissing my ass because he assumes I worship the old man. I nearly smile when his tone changes, when he places my disdain. I am not here to make friends. I am six months to getting the frak outa this life and I was only really happy that I would get one last time to see her eyes before I told this whole part of my life to frak off. The sense of distaste makes my face feel numb and I work to act like I give a crap about anything, these mindless monkies are saying to me. I wonder how anyone one would accept a post on this gods forsaken piece of scrap metal. I resent that they act like a family. He had never given me that, why should these people who weren't even related get to feel at home here?

When I hear she is in the brig I can't help but smile.

"no, this is wrong…" Gods had that just come out of my mouth? Dear lord, Zeus forgive me. This is wrong. I have to stop it. It will destroy the government that we desperately need. Gods Kara, if you were here I would have a reason to follow orders, if only to stay near my wingman. Frak it, I am alone and the cockpit is far away…Frak it its just wrong and I can't let it happen." a god can reconcile those two opposing forces but a man has to choose….." I pull my gun and point it at Col. Tigh's head. The thin red line of anger drifting just out of reach. The hunger distant and the equilibrium so far off that I can't believe my hand isn't shaking. There is nothing here to buffer, just my thoughts, my nature, but damn it its just NOT right. Me, my gun and the idea's I stuff down because I have to, to keep my world right side up. Forgive me father…..for I have sinned, in ways you will never know, I will not be apart of this..

Did I win again? Well its seems all these years the easy wins, the automatic assumptions, I have been granted parole to do my job when I should be court-martialed. How the frak did that happen? Laura, she stopped the bloody mess before I was shot, but she can't stop the fact I threw in with her, with the government against my Father. As much as I want to think all I ever do is what I think is right, part of me wanted to simply have my dads back, to be his go-to guy since his go-to girl had went AWOL. I know it broke his heart, it's what drove him into the rage that caused him to attack the president. He was mad, it was wrong. I wish I could say it felt like I was doing the right thing now. But I know I lied to Tigh. I know that I will do something that he won't see coming because I promised him. It is a necessary deception, I have to get back to where Kara will be and it really is mattering less and less if my honor and indispensable ability to always win are compromised. She threw in with the President. I agree in theory if not in deed. It wasn't supposed to be me, but damn it I drove her away.

I keep seeing those eyes, big, desperate, and I don't get it. I don't understand what she is trying to tell me when she says she's sorry. Baltar? Hell I was mad, but if she was apologizing for that I don't get it. We had had that out. I had been less than gentlemanly about it, as per our patterns. I knew she knew even if I was nursing the grudge the thing with Baltar was past, right after my knuckles hit her face, she owed me nothing. We both knew that part of the argument had been over the minute she said it didn't mean anything. So what was she sorry for? That I had been an ass? That I had lost my mind and acted like I owned her?

I was angry that she was planning something that could get her killed, and even though I was still fuming over the frakking VP debauchery, I was more mad that she had left me out of the loop, but that didn't seem like what she was referring to. God I wish women came with instructions.

We have been through too much, life was precariously poised and every tiny left over emotion from before is painfully insinuated between us. Like sand under my eyelid. It sometimes hurt to look at her knowing that I had frakked up a once happy friendship. It had never been simple, but it had been happy. The fights were more often, but the forgiveness had been too.

I can't stand the idea that she is gone. I wont accept it. My father wouldn't either if she hadn't betrayed him, if she hadn't said whatever she had that made him go for the presidents throat. I wondered if he hadn't been shot, if he would have cooled down and decided to wait for her. My guess, yes..its what we Adama's do…its kinda a hallmark trait.

She has always been like salt in a wound for me, I have always loved the sting. I can't say that I have had any urge to frak her, its been more subtle than that. Of course she is attractive but I haven't even considered it until the moment when she asked me if I wanted to give her a bath when she had returned yet again from deaths door. I had let that sink in slowly as they carted her away and then dismissed it as the usual teasing and excitement that we had yet again managed to live through the impossible.

It was a weird notion, and the idea that Baltar had put his hands on her made me think about it a little more honestly. Ok so ya I viewed her as mine. Of limits, unless she was willing to let me in and tell me about it like the good friends we are…right? I had assumed, and it had done exactly what people say it does. I was an Ass and she certainly didn't come out much better in my book for lowering herself to Baltar's level.

I did not want him bothering her, I hated that he seemed to still be wanting her. He had had her, he needed to cut his losses and get the frak away. He is a slimy smarmy bastard. I am not a hell of a lot better…I had let him cut in, but Kara had seemed to want it.

Damn it, I will never understand women. Ok so I understand most women, just not her. I had been praying it had been a marine, a faceless nameless marine I would never see or know. I had hoped she would tell me about it and it would have made it ok. If we could laugh about how silly it was that she had pulled some grunt tail and then it would have been a joke. I can live with that. But she had been evasive and the fear that it was because she had feelings for him was disturbing. Worse yet, when I found I was relieved by her coldness to the VP, it upset me more because I felt his pain, I know what it is like to watch her push you away.

It made me feel useless, I couldn't understand her distance. But I had to admit that all the years of pretending I never kissed her…never asked her if she was sure about marrying my brother, had come home in a moment of vicious clarity when I thought about her in Baltar's bed. She had been resolute, our friendship had altered but remained intact for the most part. She had made it clear that Gianne had figured into her decision at the end. It was no less than I deserved. Her hard bright smile had stayed with me even after, up until Zak died. And then I didn't deserve it anymore. Then all the things I had done were no longer trivial. I had won a game none of us knew we were playing. I had lived.

I can't look at her and see him. His ghost is more elusive and that makes it even harder. If I could see him I would never consider her in any other light, to be sure I hadn't since the funeral, never mind my sudden penchant for blonds and dislike of skinny, dainty girls. I hate quiet girls, and can't tolerate clinginess. But that doesn't indicate that she is someone I desire. It just means she has some of the characteristics I like…doesn't it?

I was never in 'love' with my brother's girl. I was infatuated, and I made an honest move on her because there was something there…something. It had been impulsive, and I had laid it all on the line. It had solidified her relationship with Zak more than anything else and it had put me in my place. She was the one win that I wouldn't get just because of who I am, in fact that was the reason I had failed. I had rest easy in the fact that even though the kiss had opened both of our eyes to something we had been avoiding, that the vast engulfing scope of it had scared us both. It had been with relief and determination that I had moved away from her. She had felt the same. It was still hard to take the sounds of her and Zak together but I figured I deserved that for pushing the envelope.

Kara's dislike of every girl I tried to have a relationship was something I didn't consider farther than the perverse pleasure I got in seeing her intimidate and sometimes threaten them. I had cared for them, but it had been strangely fascinating to watch her take measure and slowly tear them down, for what seemed like sport. I really did not think that it had much to do with me.

I know how many people have compared us to Apollo and Artemis, hell the call sign I was branded with made that unavoidable. The strange satisfaction it had given me when people put us on the same level and seemed to accept that even if we were with other's we were equal and the people we were with were less than, was haunting when Zak died. He had been Icarus, and it hurt me that I had helped kill him. I blamed Zeus…because I needed someone other than me to hate.

Eternally my sister. I had tried not to feel somewhat justified when the obscure texts indicated kinky undertones and that Artemis was unable to love men in a erotic sense. She had been virginal, and her closeness to her brother was…strangely symbiotic and intertwined. The thought of Kara being virginal had seemed funny until I worried that she may just be emotionally frigid when it came to men. That made me want to grab a part of her heart and pull until she conceded that she had feelings for me. I had realized it was not my right to do that. When she fell in love with Zak I had relaxed some, not as disappointed as I thought I would be.

The parallels were food for thought, while I was frakking some nameless woman who just had to get her hands on the great 'Apollo Adama' It made me laugh that being a god alone wasn't enough for some they had to bring my father into it. Oh well, of the pilot groupies I seemed to pull the most high brow, the ones who thought I was somehow destined to be something far more than the others. It was laughable, it was typical and it was a win that I didn't even mark down in the score books. After all neither of those names were mine.

The idea that I may never get a chance to see her again…Frak it all. There is too much….way too much for that to be allowed. She HAS to come back. The fates better have their shears pointed at someone else's thread because I am inclined to exact a gods revenge if they mess with hers. It just can't end in silence…it just can't.