Words
Disclaimer: It's not mine.
Summary: Sometimes words are only words… and sometimes they are so much more. LL One-Shot
A/N: This is just a One-Shot. It takes place in 'Come Home' in Season 5. It's a week before Emily and Richard's vow renewal and Lorelai is helping Emily find a dress. What's going through Lorelai's mind as she stands in front of that mirror, and what should have happened afterwards. LL of course!
Please review.
Commitment had always been a scary word. It was the type of word that always gave her a headache. It was a word that would make her stomach twist in knots. It was a word that made her nauseous. It was a word that worried her. The word gave her nightmares, it drove her away from relationships, and it had ruined a lot of others.
She had always been afraid of commitment. It wasn't that she couldn't commit, because she could- she committed to Rory. It was always more like, she had never found anyone else she wanted to commit to, and she never really thought anyone else would want to commit to her.
When somebody asked her why she wasn't married, she would simply reply that she hadn't found that guy, yet. That was the truth; she hadn't found a guy that she could imagine being happily married to for the rest of her life. She hadn't found the man that she could imagine dancing happily with at their 50th anniversary party. She hadn't found the guy that she wanted to be with forever.
Most people would tell her that she just wasn't looking hard enough- and maybe that was true.
She also wasn't a very big believer when it came to commitment- at least, not with her. She never thought someone would want to be with her forever. She never thought someone could love her forever. She never thought someone would be able to love her, knowing all her mistakes and imperfections. She never thought anyone would know her well enough, to know that they actually wanted to be with her forever.
She was the type of person that had always her guard on. She had walls- thick, tall walls. It had always been hard for her to let someone in, maybe because she was afraid of getting disappointment. She didn't let many people in because she always figured that, once they were in, they'd change their mind. She had been called a disappointment for most of her life, and maybe she was one- but she couldn't handle getting disappointment very well.
Commitment. It had never been her favorite word. It had never been a very good word. It had always been a scary word.
But, today it wasn't so scary.
She had never been one of those girls, who would stay up late and dream about their perfect wedding. She had never been one of those girls, who would sit in the dentist office and pick up a bridal magazine to look for ideas. She had never been to type of person who imagined their wedding and thought about all the small details. Even when she almost married Max, she knew there would be a wedding, but she never really imagined it. She never really thought about walking down the isle, with him on the other end. She never thought about saying their vows or exchanging rings.
She never thought a lot about weddings, especially hers. People would say it was because she didn't want one, but that wasn't true. It was never that, she didn't want to be married, she just didn't want to marry the wrong guy. If she was going to get married, she wanted it to be forever.
Truthfully, she never knew if that day would actually come. She was never sure if there would be a day where suddenly, things would seem to be falling into place. She was never sure if there would be a day where she could see her entire future, and be happy with it. She was never sure if there would be a day that her future included a man; a man that she wanted forever and wanted her forever.
She didn't know if there would ever be such a day. She didn't know if she'd ever find such a man. She didn't know if she'd ever be able to imagine her wedding, and she didn't know if she'd ever be completely calm when the c-word was mentioned in a conversation about her relationships.
And, now, as if someone had just flicked a light switch- she could see all of it.
She could see her amazing relationship become something more. She could see a wedding, a future, and it was a future with a man…
Luke.
Everything had been different with him. Even in the very beginning, it had always been different.
They had been friends first. They were friends for eight years before they even started dating. Even while they were dating, they were still friends.
He knew her mistakes, her insecurities, her imperfections; he knew them in the beginning. He knew her favorite foods, her rules for movie night, the ways to break into her house, what she liked to do when she was upset, what she did when she wasn't working, where she hid her spare key, and all about her bad habits and addictions. He knew her past, and he knew her kid. He knew when she was upset and when she was lying. He knew her and he still wanted to be with her.
She had always been terrified of commitment, but when he said it, it didn't seem as scary. 'All in,' that screams commitment, doesn't it? He said it, and all she did was blush and smile like an idiot. She wasn't afraid, she wasn't afraid at all. She was even a little happy when he said it. She was happy, excited, relieved, honored, and definitely not scared.
She trusted him. She let her guard down, she let her walls down. She let him in. Maybe it was because they had known each other for so long. Maybe it was because they had been friends first. Maybe it was because he had always been there, and he had always been reliable. Maybe it was because when Rory was sick, he brought her mashed potatoes. Maybe it was because he helped her when she broke her leg. Maybe it was because whenever she needed him, he'd be there. Maybe it was because even though he hated crying, when she needed a shoulder to cry on, he gave her, his. Maybe it was because he would listen to her when she talked. Maybe it was because he had never let her down.
She could see it with him. She could see them being together forever. She could see them having a future. She could definitely see it.
She knew she could love him forever, and maybe… he could love her, too.
"Lorelai." The one simple word, made me jump back into reality.
"Yeah?" I said putting the wedding dress that I had been holding, down. I turned around to look at her. She stared for a moment, but continued.
"What do you think?" She asked.
"It's beautiful, Mom." I told her with a smile.
"I think so, too." She said, choosing not to return the smile.
"So, is that the one?" I asked, now desperately wanting to leave and see Luke.
"I think so." Emily said, looking at herself in the mirror. "What do you think, Miss Celine?" She asked.
Miss Celine rambled on for a few minutes, but Lorelai didn't pay much attention. She was still in her own, little word. She was thinking about Luke. She was always thinking about Luke.
"What are you smiling about?" She heard Emily ask her.
"Oh, nothing." Lorelai told her, and then followed her downstairs, once she had changed out of her dress.
"So, what are you so happy about?" Rory asked Lorelai after they walked out of the Gilmore's house. "I mean, this isn't about the wedding, right? It's something else…" Rory told her suspiciously.
"It's nothing." Lorelai told her, trying to make herself stop smiling, but she couldn't.
"Mom…" Rory said, starting to smile at the site of her incredibly happy mother. "Are you thinking dirty, Luke thoughts?" She asked jokingly.
Lorelai rolled her eyes a little bit. "Yes, I'm thinking all about Luke and whip cream… and a cherry… and grapes… and chocolate, and-" Lorelai said with a smile and a funny voice.
"Aghh, stop!" Rory said plugging her ears and starting to mumble things to herself.
"You walked right into that one, babe." Lorelai told her.
"I know, I know." Rory said cursing herself.
They kept standing there, Lorelai spinning around while looking at the stars.
"Seriously, though… What is it?" Rory asked.
"I just realized something, that's all." Lorelai said.
"What?" Rory asked.
"Nothing." Lorelai quickly replied.
"Mom, you cannot just do that. Don't you remember our rule? You were the one that made it up, so you have to follow it!"
"I don't recall any such rule." Lorelai said, in a snobby voice that drove Rory crazy.
"Whatever." Rory said.
"You know when I almost married Max?" Lorelai asked.
"Yeah." Rory said.
"You were so happy to have him as a step-father…" Lorelai said.
"Mom…" Rory said apologetically.
"No, Rory, it's OK. It's just- do you ever think I'll get married?" She asked.
"What?" Rory asked. This was usually a soft subject, and Lorelai seemed so happy about it.
"Do you think I'll ever get married, or will I stay the pretty spinster forever?" Lorelai asked, mocking something Kirk had once called her.
"Why are you asking me this?" Rory asked.
"Well, when I was with grandma, I was just looking around at all the wedding dresses, and I just started thinking… and imagining." Lorelai said.
"Imagining what?" She asked.
"My wedding." Lorelai said.
"What?" Rory asked, confused at where this was going.
"I was up there, standing in front of a mirror, holding up a wedding dress… and I was imagining my wedding." Lorelai said.
"OK…" Rory said.
"I was just thinking about it." Lorelai said. "I could see it happening."
"What?" Rory asked.
"with Luke." Lorelai told her.
Rory's eyes widened. "A wedding… with Luke?" She asked.
"I was just thinking… I mean, I could see it." Lorelai said. "I don't want to get married right now, Rory. I'm just saying that I could see it happening down the line." She told her.
"Wow…" Rory said because she was truly speechless.
"I don't know." Lorelai shrugged, a little embarrassed about her confession.
"Mom…" Rory smiled. "This is so great." She told her.
When Lorelai say her smile, she began to smile, too. "Yeah, it is." She said.
"You know, I'd be excited to have him as my step-dad, too." Rory told her.
Lorelai smiled, "good to know", she said.
They linked arms, and Rory put her head on her Mom's shoulder as they walked to the car.
"Are you going to tell him?" Rory asked.
"Never." Lorelai said in a joking manner. "That would completely freak him out."
"Well, it usually freaks you out, and look at you now!" Rory said.
"This is between you and me, kid." Lorelai told her.
"Well, you should tell him something…" Rory said, trying to hint at something.
"And what would that something be?" Lorelai asked.
"I'd hate to think I raised a Mom who can't say I love you." Rory said mocking Lorelai's words from a few years ago.
Lorelai rolled her eyes and got into the car.
"Lukkkeee." She said in a sing-song voice as she entered the diner.
"Hey," he said greeting her with a kiss over the counter.
"Are you busy?" She asked with a smile.
"Just Kirk." He said pointing to the table Kirk was sitting at.
"Hey Kirk, I'll give you a lucky penny if you leave." Lorelai told him.
"How lucky is it?" He asked.
"Very lucky." Lorelai told him.
"Nah, I think I'll pass, I already have a lucky penny." He told her.
"How about $5?" She asked.
"Make it 10 and you've got a deal." He said.
She sighed. "Alright," she told him, digging through her purse and then handing him a $10.
"Pleasure doing business with you." He said before he left.
"So, what was that about?" Luke asked as he wiped the counter.
"I just want to hang out with you tonight… Do you think you can close early or something? Nobody's here anyway." She said.
"Sure, what do you want to do tonight?" He asked.
"Mmm… Al's Pancake World?" She asked with a smile.
"Didn't you just get back from dinner?" He asked.
"Yes." She told him.
He stared at her for a second, but then rolled his eyes and said, "OK."
"Great." She told him.
"Let me just go change, OK?" He asked.
"Mhm." She told him before following him up the stairs and into his apartment.
She sat down on the bed as she watched him disappear into his closet.
"So, how do you feel about weddings, Luke?" She asked him.
"What?" He asked.
"Weddings… What is your opinion on them?" She asked.
"Well, personally I think they always end up being a huge waste of money. It's supposed to be a ceremony where two people commit themselves to each other forever, but it always ends up being this over-paid, huge thing. Why pay for everyone's dinner and a huge ceremony with tons of fruity flowers and fancy music, when you just end up being too drunk and tired from shaking hands with tons of relatives, to remember any of it." Luke said, as he walked out of the closet and over to where she was sitting.
"OK, well, what if it has an open bar?" She asked.
"Why are you asking me this, Lorelai?" He asked.
"My parents are getting back together." She told him with a tiny smile.
"That's great." He told her sincerely.
"And they are having a vow renewal…" She told him, biting her lower lip.
He sighed, knowing what she was going to ask him.
"And you know, I'd really, really, really like it if you came with me." She told him.
He sighed again. "Fine." He told her.
"Really?" She smiled.
"Yeah, sure." He told her.
"Aw, thanks, Luke." She told him.
He sat down beside her and ran his hand up and down her thigh. "You're welcome," he told her.
She smiled at him and he leaned in and kissed her. When he pulled away, her eyes fluttered open and she rested her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her and stroked her arm.
She closed her eyes and enjoyed the moment.
She wanted to say it, she just wasn't sure if it was the right moment. But, how would she know when the right moment was, anyway? She had never done this before. She had never told a guy she loved them, not seriously anyway. How was she supposed to do this, anyway? Why was this so difficult? It was just words… It was just 3 little words.
She moved even closer to him and he kissed the top of her head. She loved being in his arms. She always felt so safe when he held her.
"Hey, you OK?" He asked her.
"Yeah, why?" She asked him, opening her eyes and looking at him.
"I don't know, it just seems like you have something on your mind." He told her.
Boy, he knew her well. She was silent for awhile, not wanting to ruin this perfect moment.
She wanted to say it, though. She had never been in love. She had never felt this way. She had never been able to let somebody in. She had never been able to let her guard down. She had never been able to imagine a wedding or a future. She had always been afraid of that c-word.
And now things were different, because it was Luke and everything with him was different.
She wanted to say it.
"Hey Luke?" She said.
"Yeah?" He said.
She took a deep breath, and looked into his eyes, a smile playing at the corner of her lips.
"I love you." She told him simply.
She could tell he was surprised. He was looking at her in a way that was like pure amazement.
"I love you, too Lorelai." He told her as if it was obvious, and he thought she already knew.
"You do?" She asked, not quite believing that she had gotten this lucky.
"Yeah." He told her as if he was amazed she didn't already know.
She smiled, and leaned in giving a loving kiss. She wrapped one of her arms around his stomach, using the other hand for support.
They pulled away and he looked at her. They both smiled at each other, and she put her head back on his shoulder.
"Hey." He said.
"Mmm?" She said.
"Did you see the TV?" He asked.
Eh, maybe this sucked, but I tried. Tell me what you think. I thought it'd turn out so much better, but I'll post it anyway.
I just got the idea when I was watching this episode a week or two ago, and thought I'd write about it. I know the characters can be frustrating because they never say or do what you want them to... A lot of my stories have what I wished they could have done or said, because for some reason it makes me feel better when I write those type of things... Plus, it's 12:49 and I'm bored. So anyway,this story is what I wished they could have said, only I'm sure ASP could have written it better, but whatever.
So, yes, please tell me what you think. Also, if you have any suggestions for other One-Shots, I'd love to hear them.
Thanks.
Please review.