It's a fun life on a boat

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "What kind of loon has guard alligators on his property! Dat ain't right!"

&&&&

Oh yes, it's another torture a group fic, this time, due to popular request, the Acolytes! Once again, you don't need to have read the rest of the series to enjoy this any jokes referring to the previous stories will be footnoted and explained. 'Aint that nice?

&&&&

Chapter 1 – Baggage best left behind

&&&&

"A cruise?"

Magneto smiled at his assembled Acolytes, a rarity in itself.

"Yes", he said, "well, I wanted a vacation, and I can't trust any of you alone in my house"

"Awwww, Magsey, I knew you loved us, really!", said Pyro, hugging his boss.

"Pyro. Get. Off. Now", said Magneto, pushing the Aussie off him, "don't make me change my mind"

"….This doesn't sound right", said Jason suspiciously, "you'd never spend money on all of us…"

"Won it in a contest. alright!", snapped Magneto.

"What kind of contest?", asked Remy. arching a brow.

There was a long pause.

"….I don't want to talk about it", said Magneto.

"Awwww, come on, Magsie", said Pyro, "tell us. We'll only find out in a humiliating way later on"

Magneto gave a defeated sigh.

"…I won it in a karaoke competition"

The Acolytes blinked at him as one, before collapsing on the ground in fits of laughter.

"Yes, har de har har", said Magneto, "it's all very funny. Would you rather I take you to a boarding cattery than bring you with me?"

"Not the cattery again!", sobbed Sabertooth, "the other cats pick on me!"

"Fine", said Magneto, "I expect you to all attempt to behave like civilised homo superiors, and not cause too much destruction"

"Ummm", Piotr raised a hand, "this 'cruise' does it mean we are to be going on a boat?"

"Yes, Piotr", sighed Magneto pinching the bridge of his nose.

"On water?", asked Piotr, "in the sea?"

"….What part of 'cruise' are you having problems with?", asked Magneto.

"I just get….", Piotr cleared his throat, "sea-sick"

"Then we'll pump you full of Joy Rides and be done with it", snapped Magneto, "I've bought your ticket, you're going!" (1)

"Oh…", Piotr looked at the ground, "….okay then"

"What are we going to do with that?", asked Jason, jerking a thumb at a rather large snow tiger which had padded in the room.

"Rabid can't come with us?", whimpered Sabertooth (2)

"Oh yes, I'm sure a six hundred pound tiger would go down a treat on a cruise ship", said Remy dryly.

"…It could happen", sulked Sabertooth.

'I already have somewhere for Rabid to stay", said Magneto, "we'll be going there before we leave"

&&&&

A few hours later, and the group were standing in a small patch of land outside New York.

"….You want to let Pigeon-Boy look after her?", asked Sabertooth moodily, putting an arm around his precious tiger.

"Now, Victor", said Magneto, "Worthington is quite capable of looking after Rabid. Besides, he has staff here"

"This is an alligator sanctuary!", snapped Sabertooth, pointing at a sign reading 'Cookies Cove', "he don't know how ta look after big cats!"

"I promise she won't die", said Warren, landing in the middle of them, then gave Sabertooth an icy glare, "I won't flush her down the toilet like some people do to peoples babies" (3)

"Oh, I'm never gonna live that one down, am I?", snapped Sabertooth.

"Guys, we'd better get moving", said Jason, "Piotr's pills are just taking effect. We want him on the boat before he makes a break for it"

"I feel happy, I feel happy", said Piotr, swaying slightly.

Sabertooth sighed, leaning down to bid his tiger goodbye.

"Now, you be a good kitty-witty for the Pigeon-Boy", said Sabertooth, nuzzling her, "who loves you? I do. Yes, yes I do!"

"Victor, stop it", said Magneto, "you're disturbing the alligators"

"Fine", said Sabertooth, then wiped a tear form his eye, "I got somethin' In my eye…"

"….I'm starting to think this wasn't a good idea"

&&&&&

The Acolytes were soon standing at the boarding area for their cruise. Their baggage had been sent off, and all that was left was to walk through the metal detectors. Unfortunately, Piotr, in his more-than-slightly drugged state, had reverted to his steel form, and could not be persuaded to change back.

"Piotr, you're next in line", said Magneto, trying to poke the steel back with his powers, to no avail, "you have to change back, now!"

"But I am happy like this", said Piotr, "I feel safe. Safe as houses that float on boats on the water"

"…Are you sure you gave him travel sickness pills and not something stronger?", asked Jason.

Remy shrugged.

"All de bottles look de same to me", he said, "I didn't t'ink it would matter"

"Oh great", said Magneto, "this means we have a seven foot five, five hundred pound Russian with impenetrable skin popped up on who-knows-what!", snapped Magneto, "and he'll get sea-sick now"

"Thanks a lot Remy", said Sabertooth with a sniff, "you're ruining a special time for all of us"

Pyro, meanwhile, had set off the alarm with his many lighters, and was currently fighting with the security officer, who was trying to put them in the little tray.

"Those lighters are my lifeblood!", sobbed the Aussie, "you can't take 'em, you can't!"

"Sir, this is a no-smoking ship", said the security officer.

"Who said anything about smoking!", asked Pyro, "I don't smoke. I only want to burn things.."

"He's only kidding", said Magneto with a forced smile, pulling the lighters form Pyro's hands, "he's an Aussie. They joke like that" (4)

"Give me back Susan!", sobbed Pyro, reaching desperately for his lighters.

"You may have them back when the trip is over, Sir", said the security guard, then turned as Remy poked him, 'yes, Sir?"

"Dis is a no-smoking trip?", asked Remy with a nervous twitch. (5)

"Yes, Sir", said the security guard, "we wish to keep the well-being of every one on board"

Remy let out a chocked sob, hanging his head as he followed Pyro.

"Dis is gonna be a long, long trip"

Meanwhile, Sabertooth had managed to manoeuvre Piotr to the metal detectors. Needless to say, the thing went off.

"Remove all items of metal, Sir", said the security guard, not even blinking, "any keys, cell phones, pagers…."

"Look at him, you idiot!", shouted Magneto, "he's covered in the stuff!"

"There's no need to get excited, Sir", said the security guard.

"I'm not, it's just….", Piotr hiccupped and reverted back to his human form, "ahh, there we go"

A few moments of attempting to manoeuvre a huge tank, even in human form, as Piotr was through the metal detector properly and the group were on their way again.

"Welcome aboard the Demeter", smiled one of the staff, waiting at the entrance.

"Oh, I feel so much better about this trip now", said Jason dryly. (6)

"Water", groaned Pyro, looking down at the churning sea, "why did it have to be water?"

"What water?", blinked Piotr, then looked down at the sea, going a shade of green that would put Toad to shame, "…oh…that water"

"Stay with it, Peety", said Remy, "we haven't even moved yet"

"I….am feeling very sea-sick", grumbled Piotr, "…my stomach is feeling like a separate entity" (7)

"Oh, yes", said Jason dryly, looking at Magneto, "this was a wonderful idea"

"Oh, shut up", snapped Magneto, "he'll settle down eventually"

&&&&&

(1) – Joy Rides are travel sickness pills, and are anything but joyful. Little pink things of bad-tasting death, laughingly labelled 'chewable'. My folks forced these down my throat as a child for every long car journey, despite my notoriously strong stomach (not counting boats, see below).

(2) – Rabid the tiger arrived on the scene in 'Teacher Training'. She was 'rescued' from a magic act by Jason and Sabertooth, and 'followed them home'.

(3) – Warren swore he'd make a 'Gator sanctuary in Teacher Training. Cookie was his baby/alligator. Sabertooth flushed her down the toilet by accident, and she now lives with Caliban.

(4) – No disrespect to the Australian people. You are, indeed, some of the best people in the world.

(5) – Remy smokes in the comics. There was one strip of him having withdrawal symptoms on an airplane. It was hilarious. 'I can quit any time!'.

(6) The Demeter is the name of the ship in Bram Stokers Dracula, the one that takes the Count to Britain. Lets say it's voyage ends with all the crew end up dead and the captain's corpse tied to the wheel. Nice.

(7) – This is how I feel on water. Yup, I get sea-sick. Badly. A 6 hour coach ride? Easy. A 8 hour airplane flight? No problemo. But put me on a boat for a measly hour and a half, and you'd swear I was at deaths door.

There we go! Now, as I'm entering assessment period in Uni, I can't promise very rapid updates, or very long chapters, but still... Do review. Until next time…