WARNING: This idea came to me while laying in the middle of my floor after tripping over my cat who I strongly believe is Darwin's missing link. This fiction is pure humor and is one of my RARE pointless fictions. Please do not take me seriously while reading this. I should be back to normal after I have this written. Enjoy...
Anger Management
A man wearing a business suit neatly walked into his newly acquired office inside a large business building. He walked into the office and smiled at the size. It was empty and bare but perfect for his business. He placed his box and briefcase down on the floor and placed his hands on his hips. The office was large and had four tall white walls. Out of those walls, the two facing the back corner of the building had two large windows that went almost from floor to ceiling; they were very skinny. The floor was a shellacked wood white the ceiling was white plaster. In the front corner sat a closet door.
"This is perfect."
He placed down the box and opened it. He pulled out a few items and placed them in the closet. He threw the box out the window into the dumpster and then left the room. He carried in paint cans. He began to paint the entire office white. Floor, ceiling and walls. Even the doors and door knobs were painted. He stood back and smiled. The windows were open for airing.
The following day, he returned with a filing cabinet which he placed in the closet with some hanging folders. He placed a white lounge chair against the wall next to the door. Then, placing four extra large bean bag chairs against the walls between the two windows. He also hung up white curtains over the large windows, making the room completely white... like a chameleon in disguise. He walked out into the hall and carried in another box. He pulled some papers and placed them in the drawers in the cabinet in the closet. He organized all this stuff perfectly. He closed the closet and opened the door. With a steady hand, he painted on the front door...
'DR. Bob Smith, LicPhD.'
Then, he tossed the box out the window like the other one yesterday. He sat down on the stool and pulled up a newspaper.
"Tomorrow I open up for business. I need clients."
The man flipped through paper. He turned back to the front page and read the head line.
"The Flame Is Flaming."
He read the caption under the image of a man and woman yelling at each other.
"Co. Roy Mustang the Flame Alchemist, 26, managed to burn down the gas station accidentally yesterday afternoon after getting angry with the fact that he locked his keys in his car."
The man, known as Bob, smiled and wrote Roy's name down on his hand in pen. He looked further down the paper.
"Pain In Dublith."
Under a picture of a woman with dread locks was a caption that read...
'Izumi Curtis, 23, was seen tossing two boys around her yard after hearing about the boys enlisting in the military.'
Bob laughed and wrote down Izumi's name. He then found another article.
"Not A 'Tall' Tale."
The article under the image of a small boy being restrained by a large suit of armor while a girl with a wrench yelled at them read...
'Alphonse Elric, 14, had to hold his brother Edward Elric, 16, back when Edward was called short by his automail mechanic Winry Rockbell, 16, who proceeded to beat Edward with her large wrench. Alphonse used all his strength to hold back his pissed of brother.'
Bob smiled as he wrote down more names. He checked his watch and left the office. That night at home, Bob sent out invitations to four people requesting their presence at an Anger Management class tomorrow.
The following day, Bob sat in his 'office' waiting. He heard a knock at the door. He opened it and found Roy in uniform.
Bob stepped aside. He pointed to the beanbag chairs. Roy walked into the office. Thankfully, Bob confiscated all weapons including Roy's gloves. So the military officer waited. Another knock and Bob opened the door. There he saw a large man standing.
"Are you DR. Smith?"
The man asked and Bob gulped.
"Yes sir."
"Izumi..."
The man called and a woman standing behind him, arms crossed over her chest stepped into view. She wore a white duster and black pants. On her chest was a red tattoo. She had long black red locks. And she didn't look happy to be here.
"Izumi Curtis?"
The doctor asked as Izumi stepped forward.
"What of it?"
The man behind her gently pushed her forward, the equivalent of being elbowed. She turned and looked up at him and he just pushed her gently into the office.
"Sig..."
"I know, I'll regret this later... but for now..."
The door closed and Izumi sat down as far from Roy as possible. The door knocked again and bob opened it. There stood Winry and Ed. Winry was holding Ed by the ear, a large wrench in her other hand. Behind them stood a large suit of armor.
"Here you go DR. Bob, they are all yours."
The armor said then ran away.
"Alphonse!"
The two new comers yelled. Winry stood in her black mini skirt and white shirt with black jacket. Ed wore black outfit and a red trench coat. They entered the office and bob cloud the door. The door locked and this made everyone jumped.
"This is stupid."
Ed called out to no one.
"Suck it up Edward!"
Ed looked across the room and noticed his teacher siting with crossed arms in the bean bag chair. She seamed to almost blend in with her white duster. Winry pulled Ed into the room by the ear and pushed him into the chair next to Roy. Winry then sat down between Ed and Izumi.
"Welcome to anger management."
Bob smiled but was taken back when he was almost hit by a flying wrench. He placed the wrench in the closet and made sure to take away her other tools too.
"Welcome...please don't throw his leg at me miss."
Bob sighed as Winry tried to disconnect Ed's leg to throw. Ed took back his leg and switched seats with Roy. Roy looked at Winry and gulped. Bob sweat dropped and then rearranged everyone. They sat as followed... Winry, Edward, Izumi, Roy.
"Unfair!"
Ed complained as he got stared at by Izumi and Winry. He gulped and seamed to shrink even more.
"Don't be so scared Fullmetal, they can't hurt you that much, they are only females."
Roy finally spoke. But like all men who's mouths work faster then their brains, he regretted it. Before bob had a chance to intervene, Izumi had Roy pinned to a wall upside down, legs spread. Winry took this opportunity to throw hair pins at him, like knives at a dart board.
"Help!"
Roy cried out. bob thanked god he bought a sound proof room.
"Curtis release Mustang, Rockbell stop throwing things and Elric stop laughing."
Bob complained as they went back to their seats, Izumi releasing the alchemy on Roy, causing him to fall on his head. Bob shook his head and then pulled out a note pad and clip board. Using his pen, he began to take notes on each person.
"Okay... I called you here to... please Curtis stop strangling Elric... now, I called you here to figure out what makes each one of you tick. Please Rockbell, stop trying to take apart Elric's limbs. And Mustang stop moving away from Curtis, she wont hurt you. Curtis stop scheming."
Bob sighed and took more notes. The four clients sat quietly, all scheming what to do next. Bob looked at them and then decide to bring out props. He went into his closet and pulled out some fighting sticks. They looked like extra large Q-tips. He handed them out and told each person to stand in their own corner. In the passing, Izumi managed to knock Roy into a wall while Winry continuously beat Ed over the head.
"STOP!"
Bob yelled as they moved into their corners.
"Now, I'm going to hand each one of you a list . I am going to have one at a time sit on the stool in the middle of the room. Leave your sword in the corner. Let's start with Mustang. The goal is not to hit the person reading the list."
Roy dropped his sword and sat on the stool. He closed his eyes then opened to look at the list. He smiled.
"Edward is a pipsquik who can't be seen even with a microscope. Winry has serious anger issues and she has a major crush on Ed, and shorty likes her. People who study alchemy and refuse to join the military are... idiotic and woman should never use alchemy, they are unworthy...?"
Roy questioned the last part but had no time to react. All three were beating him up. Izumi took off the soft part of the sword and began hitting Roy with the stick. Roy fell to the floor in pain as Ed and Winry kicked him and beat him with the sticks.
"Unworthy huh?"
Izumi then tossed the stick and tossed Roy into a wall without much effort.
"People stop! Control your selves!"
Bob took back the swords and put them away. He sent them back into the corners and helped Roy to his corner since Roy was lying a mess at the wall near Izumi.
"Now, that didn't work. And Curtis, please control yourself."
Izumi was going to attack him but didn't want to waste her time or energy, she needed to watch what she did.
"Now, lets try this."
Bob placed a bucket of small red bean bags in the middle on the stool.
"Speak your mind about everyone in the room. They need to resist throwing bean bags at you. Begin."
"The military are dirty pieces of scum who don't deserve the power of alchemy! Especially the so-called 'Sparky alchemist'!"
Izumi gladly began as she glared at Roy with a death glare that made Ed cower. Roy got pissed and went to grab a bean bag, but instead of throwing it at Izumi, he threw it at Ed because Ed called him a bastard. With Roy distracted, Izumi went to grab the bean bags but was cut off by Winry who tossed them all at Ed.
"This is for breaking your automail. this is for never calling. this is for never visiting. This is for being a big jerk face. And this is for making me worry about you!"
Izumi smiled and rested her head in her palm with one arm crossed over her chest. He watched Winry throw anger at Ed. Winry then turned on Roy and pelted him with the bags with made Izumi smile more.
"This is fore being a military scum ball. This is for not protecting my parents! This is for keeping Ed away from me! and this is for being a bastard!"
Roy saw Izumi smiling and picked up a bean bag and whipped it at her. He caught her off guard and it hit her in the face. Ed gulped as he watched Izumi get pissed. Bob saw this and tried to intervene but was stopped. Izumi clapped her hands together and slammed them on the floor, trapping bob behind metal bars. Izumi then repeated the action and all the bean bags came flying at her, and hovered in front of her. Pointing, the bean bags took off at Roy at lightning speed. They each pelted him hard knocking him down to the floor. Bob cried out to stop but they didn't. Roy grabbed his gloves from the closet and snapped, sending flames at the flying bags. Izumi stood still as the flames just missed her, but burnt her duster.
She threw more bags at Roy. Ed and Winry continued to toss bean bags back and forth at each other in their own battle of anger..
"People stop! Control yourselves!"
They ignored Bob as Roy and Izumi had more words and fighting. Soon the bean bags were dropped as tactics were taken up. Izumi dropped kicked Roy into the floor, breaking his nose. Winry found her tools and tossed them at Ed. Ed used his arm to block them, but one would hit him now and then.
"Bastard!"
Izumi used more alchemy, breaking apart the wall behind Roy then she kicked him out the hole. He snapped and sent flames up into the room, burning off a dread lock. The sudden alchemy in the room caused support beams to break and melt. The floor shook as the building came crashing down. Izumi and Winry stood back and watched as the boys stood up and began getting pissed off. From the distance, Riza, al, Pinako, Sig and Mason could be seen running towards them.
"You little piece of worthless scum!"
Roy yelled as he jumped up and snapped, sending flames towards the innocent looking Izumi. Izumi dodged the flames and tossed a piece of rebarb at Roy, knocking him down. The bystanders quickly ran up and watched the fighting, the girls looking innocent as the boys attacked.
"Taisa! Control yourself, not hitting girls!"
"Edward! No hitting girls!"
"Izumi...!"
"Winry!"
"Kick him!"
Sig looked at Mason who shrugged.
"What, he his my sister. She should defend herself more."
From no where Armstrong appeared and tried to interfere. He stepped between the fighters with his sparkles flying everywhere. Winry tossed a wrench at him while Izumi just stared. He was about the size of Sig, maybe a little bigger, but not by much. Roy and Ed tried to move Armstrong but he didn't budge. Winry tossed more tools. Izumi placed her arms by her side and approached Armstrong. Armstrong looked at her.
"Stop the fighting."
Armstrong tried to stop them but Izumi jumped up and spun around, kicking Armstrong in the face. he stumbled and then looked back at her. Both she and Winry kicked him again; Winry kicked him in the nuts while Izumi kicked him in the chest, sending him over. He landed on Roy and Ed. The fighting stopped as Izumi and Winry shook hands. Bob popped up from the rubble and screamed while running around in circles.
Everyone stared at him.
"Some one needs anger management."
Mason smiled as bob began hitting his head against a broken wall. Izumi joined up with her husband and brother and headed home while Winry left with Pinako. Alphonse lifted up Armstrong and allowed Riza to carry Roy out of the rubble. Al picked up Ed and walked home as Riza dragged Roy back to his house.
"That was pointless..."
Izumi stated calmly as she walked home, Sig's arm around her waist. Like nothing ever happened.
A/N - Well?
Please review. No FLAMES (Thats Roy's job only). Please look in my profile for all my other stories. And again, thanks for reading.
"Write a wise saying and your name will live forever"
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