A conspiracy of disgruntled elves has stolen the disclaimer that I don't own any X-Men Evolution and GI Joe characters. Well here it is again, another insane holiday fic for your pleasure and my twisted amusement. If you think you have the blues, wait until you see what these guys endure this year!
Happy Mutant Holidays
Chapter I: There's No Place Like Home, Unfortunately
"Ah Christmas," Kurt grinned as he hung up some holly on the ceilings using his ability to stick to walls. "Isn't there any better time of year?"
"You mean if there's another time of year when the suicide rate is higher, no," Bobby grumbled as he strung up some decorations. Scott, Remy and Rogue were also helping them decorate the mansion for the season.
"What's got you so down?" Remy asked. "I thought you liked Christmas."
"I do, but it still reminds me of my family that kicked me out then made a quick buck off of selling my life story," Bobby said. "Funny as it sounds it does bum me out a little."
"At least your family is somewhat normal compared to me and Kurt's," Rogue told him. "That will depress anyone no matter what time of year it is!"
"I'm not exactly a big fan of the holidays myself," Scott sighed. "Last year was pure hell. And that's putting it mildly."
"It wasn't that bad," Kurt said. "Well apart from all the fighting, our run in with Cobra and Mystique, a disastrous trip to Atlantic City, Jean's evil grandmother, a cat that went insane, Jubilee's emotional breakdown and all those demons running amok."
"Don't forget the dead Santa," Rogue pointed out.
"I wish I could forget the dead Santa," Kurt shuddered. "We never seem to have any normal holidays do we?"
"You've been here how long?" Scott looked at him.
"Yeah dude," Bobby shook his head. "I mean this Thanksgiving was the worst! We didn't even get a chance to eat our turkey before those stupid BATS attacked!"
"Well at least Penny enjoyed her Thanksgiving," Scott remarked as he saw the mute pink haired mutant happily gnawing at a broken robot arm in a corner.
"She's still got that thing?" Bobby blinked.
"She loves it," Scott explained. "It's like her favorite toy or something."
"Well the mansion isgonna be a lot more crowded this year," Bobby said. "What with the new people and all."
"I know Betsy's staying here cause her parents are in Africa on safari," Rogue said. "Or are they protesting safaris in Africa? I forgot which. Anyway she's staying here. Her brother might visit though."
"My parents are visiting again," Kurt said. "My adopted ones."
"I hope so," Bobby said. "Because I don't think we'd survive another visit from Mystique or Azazel."
"Well they're coming here because there's a lot of anti-mutant hysteria in Europe and they figure it will be safer for me," Kurt explained. "That and the fact that they want to visit the slot machines in Atlantic City again."
"Kitty will be back after spending Hanukah with her folks," Scott said. "As far as I know the only ones visiting family are Everett, Rahne, Danielle, Sam and Paige."
"So everybody's pretty much staying here for the holidays huh?" Rogue asked.
"Looks like it," Kurt said. "I know Doug's on the outs with his parents after Thanksgiving."
"What happened?" Bobby asked.
"Some FOH jerks decided to protest outside their front lawn," Scott informed him. "And then one of them set fire to his dad's car. Which spread to the house."
"Again?" Bobby's jaw dropped. "His parent's house got burned down again? That's the second time this year!"
"And surprise, I got blamed for it!" Doug groaned as he walked up to them with Jean. "Something tells me I'm going to spend a lot of my holidays here."
"Join the club," Bobby said sympathetically. "How were your parents Jean?"
"Not bad, they're going to the Bahamas again for Christmas," Jean told them.
"You're not spending Christmas with your family again?" Scott asked. "I thought they would insist after, you know…What happened a few weeks ago."
"You mean the big blast in New York when we literally destroyed the Hellfire Club?" Rogue looked at him. "I thought for sure your family would freak out after that Jean."
" Well that's because they don't know the whole story. I kind of skipped the part about me being possessed by an all-powerful cosmic force and having it fused to my body and soul," Jean told him. "Besides, something else came up."
"What happened?" Scott asked.
"It's no big deal," Jean shook her head. "My Grandmother died that's all."
"Wait your grandmother? The evil witch who insulted everyone last year?" Rogue asked. "Oh sorry…"
"No offense taken," Jean sighed. "My parents said a lot worse at the wake."
"So what happened?" Remy asked. "How did she die? A house fell on her?"
"Do you have any idea how many times I've heard that joke?" Jean groaned. "It was natural causes."
"What does that mean?" Bobby asked.
"It means she wasn't murdered or abducted by aliens slush for brains," Rogue told him. "It also means none of your beeswax!"
"She died on the toilet didn't she?" Remy asked. Rogue hit him on the arm. "What? Remy just asking!"
"You are not helping Gambit!" Jean snapped. "I mean yeah I hated her but she was still family. How can you really hate your family?"
"Boy Jean you are asking the wrong group of people that question," Rogue rolled her eyes.
"When's the funeral?" Scott asked. "Or did it happen already?"
"There wasn't one," Jean said. "She didn't believe in them. Said they were a waste of money."
"You're kidding?" Rogue's jaw dropped.
"It was in her instructions she gave to her lawyer years ago," Jean scoffed. "Get this, she's having herself frozen!"
"Isn't that a little much?" Bobby asked. "I mean I know she's dead and all and she had the personality of an icicle…"
"No, she put her money so she could have her body frozen until medical science could cure her," Jean explained.
"I think what she had is pretty much incurable," Rogue scoffed.
"I know, coming back from the dead," Jean shook her head. "Unbelievable."
"I was referring to her personality," Rogue corrected. "But come to think about it, death suits her."
"At least we don't have to worry about her bumming us out," Bobby pointed out.
"Looks like we got a lot of other things to bum us out," Remy pointed behind them.
"What the…?" Scott blinked.
Jubilee, Dead Girl, Tabitha, Rina and Logan walked in. They were covered with some kind of lotion all over their clothes and looked like they had been in a fight. "I am never going shopping with you girls again," Logan grumbled. "Never, ever, ever!"
"That goes double for you Badger!" Tabitha snapped. "Even before the whole mess I can't believe what you did!"
"We're not the ones who totally over reacted!" Jubilee added.
"People who squirt other people with perfume deserve to get a broken bottle of perfume broken over their heads!" Logan snapped.
"I see Logan used his usual brand of diplomacy to handle holiday shopping," Jean grinned. "Is that why you're all back so early?"
"And why do you all smell like…?" Rogue took a sniff. "Vanilla mixed with Cherry Blossoms and sugar?"
"We kind of had a little run in with some FOH creeps at the mall," Jubilee grumbled as she tried to remove a lotion stain on her jacket. "Long story short: We're completely banned from the Bayville Mall permanently and the Bath and Body Works store is missing a wall."
"On the up side it has a new door," Tabitha said. "Okay technically it's just an entrance to the parking lot but…"
"I don't believe this!" Scott groaned.
"It wasn't our fault!" Tabitha protested.
"It's never your fault!" Scott pointed out.
"They started the fight!" Jubilee said.
"I only unsheathed my claws when one of them pulled out a sword," Rina nodded.
"A sword?" Scott blinked.
"They have one of those places that sells replicated swords and weapons," Tabitha said. "And technically it wasn't really a sword. It was one of those Star Trek Klingon Batleth things."
"It was still pretty sharp," Dead Girl looked at a rip in her jacket. "Trust me on this."
"The FOH was using weapons based on Star Trek to attack you at the mall?" Kurt blinked. "Is it me or is this town getting weirder?"
"I still can't believe how irresponsible you were!" Scott told them.
"So we got into a little fight," Logan grumbled.
"We? What do you mean 'we'?" Scott blinked. "What did you do?"
"I was just helping out the kids that's all," Logan told him. "I mean come on! Using those grenade launchers was overkill!"
"GRENADE LAUNCHERS?" Scott shouted. "WHAT THE HELL KIND OF STORES ARE IN THIS MALL?"
"Yup, Bayville is definitely getting weirder," Bobby nodded.
"Scott," Jean put her hand on his arm. "What's done is done. The important thing is that no one got hurt and we have our lawyer's number on speed dial. We'd better tell the Professor about this."
"Charles is already conversing with his attorney," Hank said as he walked up to them.
"He already knows?" Bobby asked.
"He's a telepath, duh!" Tabitha rolled her eyes.
"Actually it's about something else that came up," Hank looked at Penny. "It seems little Penance has been sneaking out at night and causing mischief."
"What kind of mischief?" Jean asked. "She's not chasing mailmen again is she?"
"I don't think so but whatever it is neither the police nor the local chapter of the FOH are happy," Hank said.
"What did you do?" Scott whirled on her. Penny simply looked at him. "What did you do?"
"I think it has something to do with all those torn pants and sliced gun parts she hides in her closet," Dead Girl spoke up.
"WHAT?" Logan sputtered.
"I don't know where she's been getting them for the last few weeks," Dead Girl explained. "But she's really getting a stockpile in there. I think I even saw a couple of cop badges too."
"Oh for crying out…" Logan slapped his head. "It was hard enough to housebreak her! Now we gotta teach her not to hunt down the FOH!"
"At least she doesn't set fire to 'em like Lockheed," Rogue shrugged.
"That only happened once," Rina pointed out. "And it was in self defense."
"Well that explains the racket outside," Dead Girl pointed.
"Here we go again," Scott groaned as they all went over to the windows to see the commotion at the gates of the Institute. "Some things just never change!"
"Oh look at all the protesters at the gate," Rogue quipped. "And they're singing their favorite carol, Deck the Mutants with A Hammer."
"Wait a minute…" Jean looked out the window. "There are some other protestors out there and they're arguing. What are they carrying? FOMK? What is FOMK?"
"Friends of Mutant Kind," Hank said. "I've heard about them. They're a grass roots organization that supports mutants."
"Well that's some good news," Rogue said. "At least not everybody's against us."
"Don't be too happy to see 'em," Logan sighed. "These guys like to show their support for mutant rights by setting FOH buildings on fire!"
"And that's a bad thing?" Remy quipped.
"It's starting to get rough out there," Tabitha said as she watched. "Whoa! For a priest that guy has a good right hook!"
"Here comes thepolice," Dead Girl said. "Look Penny! Look at all the big shiny plastic shields!"
"And now there's a riot on our door step," Scott groaned. "Oh look, someone set fire to our holiday tree in front of the mansion."
"Look at those FOH guys run!" Bobby pointed. "Go FOMK!"
"Where did the FOMK guys get a tank?" Rogue asked.
"Wherever they got it, they should have gotten driving lessons as well," Doug remarked. "Didn't we just get that wall fixed?"
"At least they're on our side," Bobby said.
BOOOOOMMMMM!
"Whoa! Dude look at that explosion!" Kurt's jaw dropped. "That empty car must have been blown up into a million bits!"
"Just what we need on our side," Logan remarked. "More trigger happy lunatics!"
"Makes those NRA guys look pretty tame don't they?" Tabitha asked.
"Yeah but it's still nice that Charlton Heston personally sends us a Christmas card every year," Jubilee said.
"Well this is a great way to kick off our holiday season," Hank groaned. "And to think, the Misfits aren't even here yet!"
Next chapter: Family and Friends show up. Lock the doors. You won't believe who I send in this time. I'm not so sure I believe it either. I have no idea where this is going but won't it be fun to find out together? If you haven't noticed already this fic will be completely insane and full of pointless madness. You have been warned.