Chapter 7

How many 1v1 battles can fit into 1 fic?

The title says it all. I have done my best to make sure that the conclusion of this fic isn't sub par. I have read too many books and played too many games with good beginnings, middles, and horrid endings. At any rate, this is the moment you've all been waiting for. The moment when I quit wasting your time with this authors note and get on with the story :D

LordHalo: Yes there are three ways to make a person laugh. Intoxicate the room with laughing gas, say pathetic jokes, or force a gun to his head and demand he laughs if he wants to live.

Clark Cradic (): Yup this last chapter is good. My beta reader died laughing…there are some annoying legal issues due to that, but hey its worth it. I don't know when I will make the sequel but u can safely bet that there will be one.

Cpt.ShaneSchofield: LOL! Well on the bright side you doubled the amount of words in your review. Keep ha, haing. (not a real word but who cares)

In longest, a Pelican dropship crashed through the roof. Out came Sheila to greet her robot boyfriend.

Lopez: "Sheila…It is good to see you."

Sheila: "Lopez! Thank god I found you! Caboose told me terrible things…that you have joined the dark side…but that isn't true…is it?"

Lopez immediately put his "Dark side pownzors light side" poster behind his back

Lopez: "Sheila I am simply fulfilling our dreams and making our robot army the supreme force in this galaxy! O'Malley is just…"

Sheila: "O'Malley? You're still taking orders from O'Malley?"

Lopez: "I'm just using him. Once I get what I want, we can kill O'Malley. And then you and me can sit on top of a throne and be…"

Sheila: "You and I."

Lopez: "What?"

Sheila: "It's you and I. You said you and me."

Lopez: "Whatever. You and me…"

Sheila: "You and I."

Lopez: "You and I shall rule this galaxy."

Sheila: "Oh Lopez its true you have joined the dark side. What happened to that Spanish robot I fell in love with?"

Lopez: "I changed for you."

Sheila: "I didn't want you to change. I was happy with the way things were."

Lopez: "So you have betrayed me to!" Lopez injected a virus into Sheila through her wireless network. Caboose choose that time to leave the dropship.

Caboose: "Put her down Lopez."

Lopez: "YOU TURNED HER AGAINST ME!"

Caboose: "You did that yourself…with help from me."

Lopez: "So you have come here to kill me?"

Caboose: "No…I am a nice person…and PEOPLE say good things about me…and yes I am here to kill you."

Lopez: "If you are not with me…you are my enemy."

Caboose: "Wait…can't we all just be friends here? I know a VERY good therapist…or is he a doctor?"

Lopez pulled a beam sword out.

Caboose: "Oh Tucker it's you. I thought you were Lopez. Have you seen him anywhere? We were just discussing group therapy. I think that it is a VERY good idea."

Lopez: "I will kill you."

Caboose: "Hi Lopez. I was just talking to Tucker."

Lopez threw a grenade at Caboose. Caboose threw the grenade back

Caboose: "HOT POTATOE!"

Lopez: "We are not playing hot potato."

Caboose: "Oh…then catch." Caboose threw a crate at Lopez as if it were nothing.

Lopez: "How did you do that?"

Caboose: "I am very strong. Tucker said it is gods way of compensating…I do not know what that means, but I think it is a compliment." Caboose looked at another box and spotted a beam sword on top of it.

Caboose: "Hey, I guess that means I'm Tucker now…no no wait…I'm CaboTuckose…I like being Caboose better. It is a lot easier to say."

Lopez: "I see you have stumbled upon our beam sword production…it is not as powerful as the original…but it will serve its purpose." Lopez lunged at caboose.

In Blood gulch, roughly 450 marines came over a hill to see about 50 religious fanatic

Alien: "BLARG!"

Fanatic: "HE HAS SIGNALED THE ATTACK! CHARGEEEE!"

Andy: "Actually he said he needed to go to the bathroom but your plan works to."

The religious fanatics, fueled by their insanity plowed through the marines.

Kick ass marine: "Target acquired." The kick ass marines came out from the cave and surrounded red team

Sarge: "At last a true test of our skill. DONUT! Run around screaming like a girl. SIMMONS! Say a bunch of smart stuff to intimidate them. GRIFF! Run straight into their gun fire as a decoy."

Griff: "Maybe this is why we always loose battles."

Kick ass marine: "Toast im."

One marine fired a plasma pistol into Griff. The other Marine aimed his battle rifle and fired.

Griff: "OW IT BURNS!" Griff ran around in circles screaming in pain, and dodging the battle rifle at the same time.

Kick ass marine: "Hold still so I can…"

Donut, still screaming accidentally rammed right into the marine, knocking him over and sending the battle rifle flying.

Kick ass marine: "It looks like we have met our equals."

Simmons: "YOU THINK SO YOU BUCOLIC NONENTITIES!"

Kick ass marine: "What?"

Simmons: "PIE TIMES THE SQUARE ROOT OF YUMMY EQUALS E WHICH EQUALS M C SQUARE WHICH MEANS THAT PIE IS EQUAL TO THE SPEED OF LIGHT!"

Kick ass marine: "I'M SO CONFUSED!"

While Simmons was distracting the marines with his completely accurate statement about pie and quantum physics, Sarge was turning the warthog's gun into the griffapult.

Griff: "It's a giant gun! Can't we just use that?"

Sarge: "Of course not my modifications make is superior."

Griff: "ALL IT IS, IS A MIDEVIL CATAPULT!"

Sure enough the sophisticated technological wonder known as the warthog had been turn into a Midevil catapult.

Sarge: "FIRE!"

The catapult launched Griff into one of the marines.

Kick ass marine: "HURRY COMMENDEER THEIR VEHICLE!"

The marines got to the catapult just as Sarge was finishing turning it back into the warthog. The marines pushed Sarge out of the way and jumped in.

Donut had run out of breathe and decided that there were more helpful things to be done other than running around screaming. He used his amazing grenade throw and stuck a plasma grenade onto the head of the kick ass marine driving the warthog.

Donut: "Wow I am REALLY good at this."

The kick ass marine had been knocked unconscious by the grenade but the other marine picked up his comrades helmet and threw it, with the plasma grenade stuck to it away. Unfortunately he threw it in the direction of his other allies.

Kick ass marine: "FRIENDLY FIRE!"

The grenade exploded reducing the number of marines to three

Kick ass marine: "DRIVE!" It only then dawned to the marine that the driver had been knocked out. The marine threw the driver out and backed up the warthog, running over the previous driver

Kick ass marine: "Did you just run over our own guy?

Kick ass marine: "Yah I didn't like him. He never returned my five bucks."

Kick ass marine: "But now that he is dead he can never return the money."

Kick ass marine: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The marines lungs imploded from yelling reducing the number of kick ass marines to one.

Kick ass marine: "well I still have this really big gun…" The marine began firing the Warthogs machine gun."

Simmons: "Great now what do we do."

Sarge: "Don't worry Simmons…Griff was in charge of the warthogs ammo." The warthog at that exact moment ran out of ammo.

Griff: "IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!"

Kick ass marine: "IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!"

Simmons: "IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!"

Donut ran over to the helpless marine

Donut: "Hey do you wanna be friends? We can braid each other's hair, play truth or dare, we can talk about how CUTE all of the guys are. OH OH OH we can even tell each other our secret crushes! Mine is…" Donut started to whisper something into the marines ear but by that time the marine had shot himself, reducing the number of kick ass marines to zero.

Back in Zanzibar, Tucker was in an epic fight with Wyoming

Wyoming: "Oh look there is a girl behind you taking off her shirt."

Tucker: "Huh? Where?"

Wyoming hit Tucker over the head.

Tucker: "OW! I'm gonna…"

Wyoming: "Oh look there is a girl behind you taking off her shirt."

Tucker: "I'm not falling for that twice."

Wyoming: "Now there are two girls. Hey are they kissing?"

Tucker: "That is worth the risk."

Tucker turned around and was yet again clubbed over the head.

Tucker: "YOU SON OF A!"

Wyoming: "Look a pair of girls over there are taking off their shirts."

Tucker: "Not this time."

Stripper girl: "Hey he isn't looking! That's it I'm out of here."

Tucker: "Wait what?"

Before Tucker could look back Wyoming attacked and forced them onto one of the moving blades of the fan.

The two matched blades as the fan slowly rose. Both of them were doing completely unnecessary sword moves as the blade of the fan became parallel to the ground.

Wyoming: "I see you have potential. Join the dark side, and we can rule together."

Tucker: "Depends. You do you have porno?"

Wyoming: "No."

Tucker: "SCREW YOU BITCH!" Tucker lunged at Wyoming and knocked him to the ground.

Wyoming kicked Tucker in response, knocking him to the edge of the fan. Wyoming slowly approached the edge that Tucker was hanging on, sword in hand.

In longest, Caboose and Lopez were jumping from box to box, ledge to ledge, attacking each other with their beam swords. Lopez tried to hit Caboose over the head, but Caboose managed to roll under the attack onto the moving floor.

Lopez joined him on the moving floor and they both started swinging their swords around without hitting one another.

An hour later they were still swinging their swords.

Still swinging

They got bored of unnecessary sword strikes and decided to strike each other. The beam swords made contact with such force the walls around them began to bend, and all of the windows shattered. Their swords locked together in place for a moment before both of them pushed the palm of their hands forward…which did absolutely nothing.

Lopez: "It would be nice if we could do some kind of…pushing thing with our hands."

Caboose: "I can use my hands…"

Caboose remembered the words of his great mentor

Church: "Use force Caboose."

Caboose: "I…shall…use…FORCE!"

Caboose punched Lopez in the face, causing the robot to fly back through several crates and hit the wall.

Caboose ran up to finish the job but Lopez's sword magically went back to his hand allowing him to block.

Caboose: "How did you do that?"

Lopez: "I'm not sure…but I'm not complaining." Lopez pushed Caboose off and jumped onto the parallel conveyer belt.

Lopez: "This is the end for you…my master."

Caboose: "I'm your master?"

Lopez; "I meant to say…this is the end for you my…person who has a crush on my girlfriend."

Caboose: "Her name is SHEILA! And she is a delicate flower! You are just using her!"

Lopez: "We shall see who she loves more, by seeing her reaction when I beat you to death with a glowing stick."

Lopez and Caboose charged at one another…again

Meanwhile the battle in the gulch was still raging on

Replaceable Marine #181: "Hey why do I have to carry this red flag?"

Replaceable Marine # 147: "I don't know. Why do I have to carry this blue flag?"

Fanatics: "THE FLAGS! CHARGEEEE!"

Replaceable Marine# 181: "Oh……Shi…."

The fanatics charged through the groups of marines and beat the flag bearers to death.

Fanatic: "YES! THE RED FLAG! SURELY THIS MEANS THAT THE RED TEAM IS THE QUAD MOUTHS FAVORITE!"

Fanatic: "NO! We have the blue flag as well. And the quad mouth IS blue."

Fanatic: "Well…what do you say oh great quad mouth?"

Alien: "Blarg."

Andy: "That means that he prefers both of you NOW JUST KEEP KILLING THEM!"

Fanatics: "Can we really put aside our differences? What goal can be so great that…"

A marine carrying a large purple flag walked over the hill

Fanatics: "………FOR THE FLAG!"

The fanatics charged through once more, shooting everything in their path. Doc wandered around the dieing Marines.

Doc: "Does anyone need help?"

Replaceable Marine# 181: "I'm hit! Can you help me?"

Doc: "No I'm jus there to give you pain killers before you die."

Replaceable Marine# 181: "Is there any chance I will live?"

Doc: "No. But if you want to give me a note to give to your loved ones…"

Replaceable Marine# 181 gave Doc a note.

Replaceable Marine# 181: "Give this to Replaceable Marine#211

Doc: "Yah about that…he just died about half a minute ago. He gave me this note to give to you."

Replaceable Marine# 181 opened the note to find the words I still hate you written on the inside.

Replaceable Marine# 181: "THAT WAS MY NOTE! HE STOLE MY IDEA THE BASTARD!"

Doc moved on to the next Marine

Marine: "Am I…going to die?"

Doc: "Yes."

Marine: "Dear god."

Doc: "Everyone dies."

Marine: "Oh…for a second I thought you mean…"

Doc: "Your simply going to die a lot sooner than everyone else."

Doc moved on to the next Marine leaving his most recent patient paralyzed in a mix of shock, and anger.

Marine: "Am I going to live medic?"

Doc: "Yup. It looks like it."

A stray bullet hit the Marine in the face

Doc: "And now you're not."

O'Malley looked at his former host with an expression of confusion.

O'Malley: "I thought he was dead…"

Tex: "And I thought you were dead."

O'Malley turned around to see his former host.

O'Malley: "Tex. I was hoping I would have the chance to kill you myself." O'Malley pulled out two beam swords.

Tex: "Where did you get those."

O'Malley: "I made them. Long story. Now I COULD give you one but then…It just wouldn't be evil would it?"

Tex grabbed one of the swords.

O'Malley: "Hey! That's not fair! DIE YOU FOOL!" O'Malley charged at Tex swinging his sword around wildly.

At the same time Church came face to face with the cheap Johnson marine sold on E-bay.

Johnson: "I see your alive again. That's good."

Church: "Why is that good for you?"

Johnson pulled out his covenant sniper rifle.

Johnson: "Because I get to kill you myself."

Johnson shot Church, sending him flying into the wall.

Johnson: "Heh. Pathetic."

Church got up and jumped next to Johnson."

Church: "Strong in you the dark side is."

Johnson: "Why do you sound like that stupid gnome I killed?"

Church: "That was you!"

Johnson: "I was actually one of the clone troopers that shot Yoda in the second chapter."

Church: "Then it wasn't you…Griff and Simmons saw Yoda die at Chewy's hands."

Johnson: "That was me in my Halloween costume."

Church: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Wait then why didn't you kill Griff and Simmons right then and there?"

Johnson: "I was on my break. I only get paid if I kill them on my shift."

Possessed by a blind rage Church beat Johnson to the ground.

In Zanzibar, Wyoming approached Tucker who was hanging at the edge of the windmill.

Wyoming: "Tucker, I will give you one last chance to join me."

Tucker: "NEVER!"

Wyoming: "What did your mother tell you about your father."

Tucker: "He told me enough! He told me he worked as a mail man."

Wyoming: "No Tucker he works as an assassin."

Tucker: "That's not possible."

Wyoming: "Yes it is. Because… I! AM YOUR FATHER!"

Tucker: "NO YOUR NOT! YOUR NOT A MAIL MAN!"

Wyoming: "Search your feelings. You know it be true."

Tucker: "No you aren't. You're lying."

Wyoming: "I know I just wanted to add some drama." Wyoming raised his half of the beam sword to strike, forgetting that they were on a giant blade of a fan. A blade that was just starting to turn upside down.

The blade started to complete its cycle making both Tucker and Wyoming fall. Wyoming recovered quickly and desperately looked for the beam sword.

Tucker: "Looking for this?" Tucker had both beam sword halves in his hand.

Wyoming: "You may have beaten me this time, but I WILL return." Wyoming vanished in a flash of smoke.

Tucker: "Where the hell did all of this smoke come from?"

In Blood gulch Church ha his gun aimed against Johnson's head.

Johnson: "Kill me, and join the dark side!"

Church: "Do I have to do both?"

Johnson: "No I guess not."

Church fired a clip into Johnson's face.

Johnson: "HOW CAN YOU MISS AT POINT BLANK RANGE!"

Church fired another three clips.

Johnson: "THIS IS PATHETIC! HOW MUCH AMO DO YOU HAVE LEFT!"

Church: "Screw this." Church placed a grenade next to Johnson and ran away.

Johnson: "You think this will stop me?" Johnson threw the grenade away.

Marine: "GOOD WORK JOHNSON! WE SALUTE YOU!"

Johnson: "….No…."

The five Marines standing next to Johnson each threw a grenade.

Church heard the explosion and looked back to see Johnson finally dead.

Church: "I did it?" OH MY GOD I ACTUALY DID IT! I BEAT JOHNSON! BEAT THAT TEX!"

Church looked dup just in time to see Tex cut off both of O'Malley's arms and force two beam swords to his neck.

O'Malley: "Good. Now…FINISH HIM!"

Tex: "Um…this is you I'm about to kill."

O'Malley: "Oh that's right. You see the character I am copying says that line in a similar situation so…"

O'Malley was interrupted by two beam swords being torn through his neck. O'Malley's head rolled down the hill and muttered out a last message.

O'Malley: "I shall return…but until then. I will always be the best evil laugher. BWUAHAHA HAHAHA hahaha….ha..ha…ha…." With those last words O'Malley fell silent.

In Longest Lopez and Caboose were still matching blades

Caboose jumped from the conveyer belt to the platform above Lopez.

Caboose: "You can not win now Lopez. I am taller than you."

Lopez: "You under estimate me now that I can speak English!"

Caboose: "Don't do it! I like being taller than you!"

Lopez jumped towards the platform, and everything went in slow motion.

Caboose: "I know what to do…"

Church: Use Force Caboose!"

Caboose: "When did he say that anyways?"

FLASHBACKYTIME

Caboose: "This couch won't budge."

Church: "We have to move it to the TV. Come on Caboose! Use force!"

UNFLASBACKIFY

Caboose: "I pushed the couch, so I can easily beat you."

Lopez was still jumping in slow motion.

The I-pod in blue base sputtered to life, and started playing dramatic music

Griff: "Simmons I thought you killed the thing playing the music."

Simmons: "So did I! I don't understand."

Sarge: "It's the conclusion of the story. Not even bullets can stop the music there."

Caboose: "I know what must be done."

Lopez, who was really good at staying in slow motion for long periods of time, was now parallel to Caboose.

Caboose gripped his sword.

Use force

Lopez slowly flew towards him.

Caboose aimed carefully with his sword

I know what I must do

Lopez continued to jump…very slowly.

Caboose switched to the rocket launcher and shot Lopez.

Lopez: "YOU IDIOT! YOU KILLED THE DRAMATIC MOMENT!"

Lopez's head fell at the end of the conveyer belt, several feet away from his body.

Lopez: "I HATE YOU!" Lopez's head fell down the bottomless hole.

Back in blood gulch the I-pod stopped playing.

Simmons: "Sarge, does this mean it's over?"

Sarge: "That, or the I-pod ran out of batteries."

The religious fanatics stood over their lifeless adversaries.

Fanatic: "YES! NOW WE ARE EVEN GREATER THAN THE GREAT QUA MOUTH HIMSELF!"

Alien: "Blarg?"

Fanatic: "Once we prove ourselves in battle we become enlightened and no longer have to worship quad mouths. We are on the next step to enlightenment. Now red and bleu fanatics shall HELP defend the sacred artifact.

Andy: "THIS SUCKS! We were being treated as GODS!"

The last marine managed to throw one last grenade.

Marine: "We may die, but our traditions will never perish."

The last grenade flipped over the warthog, knocking out both Griff and Sarge who had been in it.

Donut: "NO! I must get you two over to the base!" Donut dragged Griff and Sarge to red base, dodging gun fire that was coming out of no where.

Tucker came on foot at the same time Caboose came down in the Dropship.

Caboose: "Tucker! Your you again. Where did you find the sword?"

Tucker: "It's a long story. Hey Tex lets go finish the quest."

Caboose left Sheila in blood gulch as he, Tex, Andy, the Alien, and Tucker flew off.

Church: "Hey the warthog is here and no red team…and so is the scooter. I guess this means we get all of the vehicles."

Simmons: "Um I'm still here."

Church: "Oh…hey do you know where that new guy went."

Simmons: "Um…I think I saw him behind that rock." Simmons went behind the rock and changed in .0000000000001 seconds.

Simmons: "I'm over here."

Church: "Where were you this whole ordeal?"

Simmons: "I was…eating Oreos."

Church: "You spent seven chapters eating Oreos?"

Simmons: "Yah you see I have this diet, where I only eat foods that start with vowels."

Church: "Forget it. Help me get the vehicles back to blue base and then I can show you around a little."

Sarge and Griff woke up in red base.

Sarge: "What happened?"

Donut: "GUYS YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED!"

Back at the fanatics home town, the dropship flew overhead.

Tucker: "GO LEFT GO LEFT

Caboose: "Left…left…you make an L with your thumb…and…"

The dropship crashed into the wall. Blue team came out from the wreckage.

Andy: "Oh great now what. The religious fanatics hate us."

Tex: "Watch and learn." Tex turned invisible.

Andy: "How can we watch you if your invisible.

Lopez's head washed ashore on a strange island.

Doc: "Oh my god are you ok?"

Lopez: "Si."

Doc: "Wow. Whatever happened must have broken your new language setting and…"

O'Malley: "SHUT UP YOU FOOL! Now that we have to live with each other again, a few changes must be made."

Doc: "What was the point to this last part of the chapter anyways?"

O'Malley: "The author wants to maintain the story line. He Is explaining how this fits between episodes 69 and 70.

Doc: "Oh."

O'Malley: "Well at least this annoying fic is over. I hope there is no sequel."

Back in blood gulch a marine rose from the ground.

Johnson: "Nothing can kill me."

A random grenade came out of no where.

Johnson: "Son of a."

BOOM

O'Malley: "Few for a second there I thought there would be a sequel.

YUP! That's the end. And don't worry there WILL be a sequel, even if it has nothing to do with this story. I have no idea what I will do so this is your chance to exploit an author who hasn't made up his mind on something yet. If you have a brilliant RvB fic idea that you want to see someone else make, feel free to tell me your idea in a review. I MAY use your story if you recommend one. And if not I will just have to think of the sequel myself. I just figured to give anyone a chance to exploit my free time. ANYWAYS BEFORE YOU STOP READING THE FIC THERE ARE A FEW PEOPLE I WOULD LIKE TO PERSONALY THANK!

Penguin god: For reading all of my stories before I posted them. Its nice to have a beta tester.

Clark Cradic (): for giving this fic more reviews than anyone else (all of them anonymous at that). Give a hand to Clark Cradic (). Preferably a hand not attached to someone's arm.

BlackInfernoAlchemist, JACCO, and Spartan Number 227: For putting this story on their favorites list.

Whoever the hell invented Oreos: Oreos consumed most of my fic and plot. Where would this fic be without them?

Rooster Teeth: Without them there would be no RvB…what a sad world it would be without RvB

Duo Jagan: "There is NOTHING wrong with thanking yourself in your own fic. Thank you me! Without me there would be no fic. I have many ego issues to work out.

INSERT YOUR NAME HERE: For reading this story

And thank you everyone who reviewed.

I hope you liked the fic. You can safely bet that there will be a story after this…and no that does NOT mean that you should gamble your life savings with some guy in Vegas about the release of my fic. Anyways I hope you enjoyed.