AN: This is a one shot parody. Thank you. : )
oh and this one-shot was taken down for some reason... so i'm putting it back up? ... i hate how they dont tell you why they take your story down :
Disclaimer: characters belong to JK Rowling, Disneyland and Space Mountain belong to ...Walt Disney? ...err... whatever you get the gist. i own nothing. go. read.
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SPACE mountain
Hermione Granger was depressed. Very depressed. She had been abused all summer by people who don't matter in this story plotline, and she was sick of it. She was sick of life, sick of being the girl who everyone used for homework.
"Oh I'm just so sick of it all! I know in the books I'm perfectly fine but I'm depressed! Depressed!"
In her frustration, she apparated to a nearby bar.
Draco Malfoy walked into his favorite bar, and sat down next to an extremely attractive brunette he had his eye on.
"Hey sexy…"
She turned around.
"Malfoy?"
"Granger!"
"Wow you're - … taller… and more…muscular. Not that I can tell since obviously you're not shirtless in a bar but whatever."
"Granger, How did you get to be so …hott… and look at those curves! (that you didn't have 2 months ago?)…And your hair! Beautiful heavenly locks of…"
"Who cares – we're enemies remember? I hate you, Malfoy."
"I hate you too, mudblood Granger."
"You only called me a mudblood once in all of the books, will you get over it?"
"Fine. Wanna go get drunk?"
"Yeah okay."
And they got drunk.
oOoOoOoOoOo
Hermione awoke with a start, and rubbed her eyes furiously. Her head was clouded and her body ached all over. And I mean all over.
She turned her head and to her horror, she found a platinum blonde sex god, conveniently labeled as her worst enemy, sleeping right next to her. Naked.
"Malfoy! What are you doing in bed with me? Wait. No bed. Concrete!"
Malfoy's head snapped up as an annoying voice filled his ears.
"What? Mudblood Granger! What you doing here with me! And naked!"
"I told you to stop calling me that – it's way too wanna-be-'in-character'."
"Right."
Hermione looked at Draco and noticed he was wearing a silver ring on his ring finger that could only be…
Panicked, she looked at her own ring finger – and there slid perfectly into place was a platinum band with a big fat diamond glaring at her.
"Oh no! Is this what I think it is?" Draco looked at the ring.
"Fake? Looks pretty counterfeit to me."
"No! Draco! I think we're married!"
"Oh, well then it must be real."
"Draco this is serious! Wizarding marriages can't be broken! We're stuck together for the rest of our lives!"
"No, you prude – that's just a convenient excuse fanfiction writers use. There is no such thing as a wizarding marriage."
"Oh…so you mean – "
"Yeah, we could get divorced riiiiight now."
"Naked?" Hermione looked up hopefully…
"For you baby? Anything." Draco stared greedily at the delicious pair of grapefruits bobbing up and down in front of him. "Oh for god sakes Granger, stop throwing those up and down – you'll bruise 'em!"
"Oh. Sorry. …You want one?" She chucked an orange-pink fruit at her new husband and started peeling one for herself.
"Thanks."
And they ate. And they were satisfied.
"Don't you care that I took your virginity, Granger?"
"What? No – I'm a slut now remember? Apparently fans like me better that way. And besides, stories are easier to write when I am, so whatever."
"Great!"
"Yeah. Why would you care about how I felt in the first place?"
"I'm sensitive and caring now – remember? Same reason."
"Great!"
"Yeah."
"So where are we anyway?" Hermione peered through the window and gasped in horror. "Oh my GOD Draco – We're in outer space!"
Draco sighed and moved closer, looking through the window. "…We're in Disneyland Granger, calm down," He squinted at a nearby sign. "Space Mountain? The hell? …Oh hey look! Those lil kids over there are staring at us." He chucked a piece of grapefruit peel at them.
"Aww how cute! Hi little girl! She's so adorable!" Hermione squealed and stuck her head out the window
"Granger you're breasts are still hanging out – just fyi."
The sexy brunette immediately flushed a shade of bright red and ducked her head, crossing her arms.
"Mmm breasts. Your breasts take my breath away…" Draco ogled at his wife. "Wow what a tongue twister!"
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Clever."
"Oh 'Mione, I never noticed before how sexy you were!" Draco moved a little closer. "It must have been the miraculous transformation you went through this summer so the suddenly sensitive and sex-crazed new me could fall for the new ditzy and slutty you and your new sex-goddess body and make Dramione fans giddy…"
Hermione burrowed her eyebrows for a second. (…Huh?) "Oh yeah? Well if you're going to stare at my breasts then it would only be fair if I stared at your- Oh my! You've got a big one!"
"Yup! A whopping 9 inches." Draco grinned proudly.
"You measured?"
"No I just like the number 9."
"Oh."
"Well this was a waste of time."
"Yeah. Wanna just stay married and live happily ever after?"
"Will you tell people i have a 9-incher?"
"For sure."
"Well okay then why not."
"I love you Draco."
"I love you too 'Mione."
"Don't call me that – you're dropping off my gender."
"Who cares! It's faster to type without the 'Her'."
"Yeah you're right; what was I thinking."
"Wanna fuck?"
"I'll get the chains and you get the whipped cream?"
"Yeah, meet back in 10."
"Oh Draco…"
"Oh 'Mione…"
Oh shut up.
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