A/N: We're back! How have you people been? I hope you all had fun over the holidays—I know I did, if you know what I mean. Heh. Anyway, we're here at the beginning of the last part of Al's adventures. I never really thought we'd make it this far, yet here we are! I'm very excited about all of this, and I hope you are too. If you're a new reader to this, I want to first of all thank you for showing interest in this…you, of course, have no idea what "this" is. Allow me to explain. This is part three of an epic saga, and it might be wise to go read the other two parts before continuing—they can be found by clicking on my author name and looking for "Alfonso the Ring" and "Alfonso the Ring: Part II" on my page. It's not mandatory, but it's a good idea if you want to understand the running jokes and the references and, y'know, the plot. For those of you who are new and interested, yet lazy (or those of you who are old and wise, but forgetful), I've provided a really brief recap below. It barely glosses over the other two parts, but it's better than nothing.

Really Brief Recap: Once upon a time, Sauron made a ring, brought it to life, and named him Alfonso. Sauron then took over the world. The simple folk connected the dots and decided that Alfonso must be the source of Sauron's power—the trouble was, the ring had nothing to do with it. So for thousands of years, people continued to think that Alfonso had evil powers, when in reality he did not. Fast-forward a few millennia. Frodo and co. set out to destroy the perfectly innocent Al, and yes, he is pissed. However, Al eventually convinces everyone that he doesn't possess evil powers, but by then the fight against Sauron has turned into a full-fledged war. Frodo and co. tell Al that they have to at least pretend to kill him, because he's symbolic of evil. They promise that they'll somehow think of a plan to save him before they reach Mt. Doom. Al is not altogether comforted. Frodo's company gets split up. Aragorn and Legolas and Gimli and Gandalf go to Gondor to help Theoden fight off the Uruk army, Merry and Pippin go with Treebeard to level Isengard, and Frodo and Sam and Al pick up Gollum along the way to Mordor. Al keeps everyone connected and up-to-date by using his magical telepathy-type abilities (dubbed RingVision by loyal readers), with which he can find/see/hear/talk to the others no matter where they are in Middle Earth. Frodo and Al met Faramir and became good friends, but then Faramir bought into the whole ring-is-a-symbol-we-must-destroy-the-symbol ideology. Faramir promised to also help think of a plan to save Al before they get to Mt. Doom. The narrative ends with Al basically back where he was when part one ended—travelling towards Mt. Doom with Frodo and Sam (and this time Gollum), and all of his friends telling him that they might have to murder him because he's a symbol.

Disclaimer: It's been a prologue and fifty-three chapters since I began this story, which means there've been fifty-four statements to the effect of "I. Don't. Own. A. Damn. Thing." Do I really need to do it again, or have you figured it out?

Chapter 1: Here We Go . . .

Honestly, Frodo, just because you can't sleep doesn't mean you need to be keeping me up, too.

"Ring, you don't even need to sleep. You're a ring."

Yeah, and you know what else I don't need? I don't need to listen to another eight hours of you bitching non-stop about everyone's hardships and suffering. I'm the one who's most likely to die when all's said and done, but you don't see me being all doom and gloom about it EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SECOND. You really need to lighten up, Frodo. Do you have some sort of clinical depression?

"No." Frodo huddled deeper in his cloak and muttered something about how he would've liked to die in the comfort of his own bed, instead of in some godforsaken cave with Sam and a talking ring as his only company.

So you're just a drama queen? There isn't some sort of medical reason behind all of this.

"I don't know, okay? Maybe that's just how I am, Ring. Maybe there are just some things I cannot control. You, of all people, should understand. Why does everyone want to kill you? Was it because of something you did? No. It was just because you happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Actually, I kinda think it's because of the intrinsic nature of man. People will always, always be corrupt and evil on some level. Some people realize this, and they face it and deal with it. Those are the good people. And then the other people, they go into denial and they look for a scapegoat. Instead of acknowledging their own evil, they blame others. That's where I come in. Instead of acknowledging that they're bad rulers who've failed their people, kings just go "Oh, it's the Evil Ring of Power's fault that I can't rule properly. It must be destroyed!" Which is, obviously, just bullshit.

"Sure, that may be the reason we are in this mess," Frodo said insistently, "but my point still stands. The intrinsic nature of man is out of your control just as it is out of mine; we are mere pawns in the game of fate. We were pulled into this at random, through no fault of our own and without our consent. Don't you see, Ring? Everything is beyond our control!"

So you think we were fated to sit in a cave discussing existentialism and the corruption of man while Sam snores like the disgusting pig he is?

Frodo frowned. "Maybe. I just don't know. I feel so completely helpless right now."

Before I could respond to that totally emo comment, a deep rumble shook the earth.

Okay, that's either Sam's stomach or a volcanic eruption. Which reminds me: Mt. Doom is a live volcano. Is walking towards it really the smartest thing to do?

Gollum chose that moment to come bounding into the cave, slobbering in his excitement. "Come, come, masters! Wake up! We have leave! This place is not safe! The sooner we are finished with it, the better! Quick!"

Sam woke up and made a face, either at having to wake up from his wet dreams of Frodo or at seeing Gollum first thing in the morning. "We cannot leave yet," he protested groggily, "Mr. Frodo must have something to eat first!"

"No! We must go! Quick, masters, quick!"

"No! Mr. Frodo must have his breakfast!"

"NO! We leave now! NOW!"

Frodo and I just sat back and watched the two of them freak out at each other. Gollum finally gave up and ran away, babbling about how the "stupid hobbitses don't know they have to leave NOW," etc. etc. Which meant that Sam won, and we would have to delay our journey for breakfast. Not like I was complaining—any delay, however small, meant I would be alive for a moment longer.

Sam brought out a bit of lembas bread and fed it to Frodo lovingly. Frodo, a bit perturbed but still struggling to be polite, took the bread and ate it quickly. "What about you, Sam? Are you not going to eat?"

And then Sam uttered the most disturbing thing I have ever, in my 3000-plus-years, ever heard anyone say. "I'm not hungry. At least…not for lembas bread," he said lecherously, casting his eye over Frodo's body.

Oh. My. God. Did he just insinuate that…?

Frodo got up hurriedly and brushed the crumbs off of his clothes with clumsy hands. "We really should listen to Smeagol…he knows this territory best. We should hurry up and get going," he said, and then practically ran out of the cave.

I snickered.

"Don't laugh, Ring. Sam is a good friend, and a good person. His feelings are not his fault, and I am only sorry that I cannot…like him 'that way' in return."

I laughed in his face.

Frodo got all huffy then, and sniped, "Might I remind you that you used to date Gollum? At least Sam is of my own species."

Okay, whoa. First of all, that is a low blow, not to mention ancient history. It's dark in an underground cave, okay, and I was stuck with him for like fifty years. Things happen. Second of all, I didn't think you were capable of such a nasty comment, Frodo! And you used to be such a nice little hobbit-muffin. This whole quest thingy really is getting to you.

"You sound awfully delighted," Frodo pointed out through gritted teeth. He was following Gollum, who was leading us god knows where, and Sam was behind us, holding all our stuff and scrambling to catch up.

Yeah, well, I am delighted. I think if you keep this up, our conversations would actually be fun, instead of the boring, angsty, I'm-so-depressed-I-would-slit-my-wrists-if-it-weren't-for-the-fact-that-so-many-people-are-counting-on-me-oh-the-pressure-I-can't-take-it ones we usually have. See, the correct way to deal with stressful situations is to make fun of them so that everyone feels better, not to drag everyone down into a hopeless abyss along with you.

Frodo didn't bother answering me. The four of us trudged along the craggy hinterlands in the awkward silence that we were by now sadly accustomed to, when all of a sudden…

"Ring? Can you come help us for a moment?" Gandalf summoned me using telepathy.

Godammit, I'm not a dog.

"Come here! We need your help!"

Would it kill you to treat me with a little respect? Maybe say please once in a while?

"Ring, could you please come here, as we require assistance that only a person with your immense skill and dexterity can provide?" Legolas sang out in his silver voice.

There, that's more like it. Hold on, bitches, I'll come help you in a sec.

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