The Promise
Author: Dragon's Daughter 1980
Spoilers: "Natural Born Killer"
Disclaimer: CBS have complete ownership over "Criminal Minds." That being said, I'm just borrowing the cast for my own enjoyment and I promise to return all characters unharmed.
Author's Note: The day I stopped taping the episode was the very same day that Hotch's baby was introduced. I, unfortunately, did not catch the child's name. If anyone out there knows, please, please, let me know via review. Thank you.
Breathe.
That was probably the only coherent thought his mind was capable of at the moment. There were others, of course, but all of those feelings were a jumbled, knotted mess of relief and fear that made no sense to him. Aaron Hotchner just leaned against the SUV, more than happy to let something else hold him up for the moment. He watched warily as the unsub was led past him into the other SUV. If he was an untrained agent, Aaron would have shielded away from his would-be-murderer. But in the course of his career, he had faced death more times than he cared to count, and learned to keep up a veneer of composure even when he was shaken to the core.
Gideon and Morgan came to stand by his side. As usual, the senior profiler's face was unreadable, but his reassuring presence slowed Aaron's racing heart…slightly. The African-American agent was watching his friend with a slight frown, upset at what had nearly happened.
"You okay?" Gideon asked quietly, his calm voice revealing a hint of his concern. Aaron nodded in reply, afraid that if he said too much, his colleagues would feel his aching ribcage, his sore muscles, the frantic pounding of his heart, the roughness of his throat. It was a completely irrational thought that they could know what he was feeling, but he didn't feel like being logical. He already had difficulty hiding his trembling from everyone else. He knew that if Gideon hadn't tasered the man when he did, he would have died. The unsub had no conscience, no qualms about murder. He owned his life to his team.
"Yeah," he whispered, raising his head. He didn't quite succeed in concealing the wince of pain that came from swallowing. He caught Gideon's solemn expression. The older man knew what was going through his mind; he had helped Aaron stand on shaky legs and subtly guided him to lean against the hood of the black SVU. Gideon's eyes flickered to Morgan, silently ordering the other agent to get Aaron out of there. In his typical fashion, Morgan didn't hold out a hand in physical support, but he just stood close enough to be on the edge of hovering while appearing not to. Aaron took a small breath, feeling the cool night air burn his throat, and pushed himself away from his support to make his way back to their car. His colleague hovered close to his side as they walked out of the scrape metal yard, his expressive brown eyes betraying his concern.
"Morgan," he hated how his voice rasped his throat, "I'm fine." Morgan gave him a skeptical look, but didn't voice any objections to his statement. He didn't need to. He just gripped Aaron's shoulder firmly, silently expressing his relief that he was all right. No words passed between the two of them until they were nearly at the car.
"No," said Morgan firmly, looking at Aaron with a rare solemn expression when he had walked toward the driver side door and gotten out the SUV's keys. His subordinate held out his hand, "You're not driving."
"I'm fine." Morgan made a small derisive noise, dismissing the platitude.
"That's a lie and we both know it," he said flatly, "I'm driving." Morgan had his mulish expression that told Aaron that it wasn't worth the trouble to argue. He didn't really have the strength to, anyway; now that the adrenaline was draining away, his hands had gained a noticeable tremor that he didn't have the will to suppress and his legs were starting to feel like jelly. He knew there was no way he could drive in that condition. So he handed over the keys, walked around the front of the car and got into the front passenger seat instead.
He listlessly watched the darkened empty streets pass by the car window. There was just something so overwhelming in the normal action of thinking. So he was caught off guard when Morgan tossed him something. He fumbled slightly, but caught the object with both hands. When he got a good look at it, he looked at Morgan with a silent question.
"Call her," his colleague replied, not taking his eyes off the road. "She's probably still up."
Aaron sighed, knowing the truth in Morgan's statement. Their little one was a blessing, but he was a night owl in the extreme, keeping his parents up until all hours of the night. Automatically, he reached into his coat pocket, but stopped when the other agent chuckled.
"What?" he demanded mildly, not in the mood to be the target of any sort of amusement.
"It's your cell. You gave it to me, remember? 'Cause mine's recharging?"
"Oh." Aaron had completely forgotten. He turned on the phone and hit speed-dialed.
"Hello?" his wife answered anxiously. Haley had learned long ago to live with the possibility of late night phone calls, or worse, a knock on the door, bringing horrible news, but a ringing phone would never bring her peace of mind.
"Hi sweetheart," he said softly, his body unconsciously relaxing in his seat.
"Hi honey," the tension drained out of her tone and he could hear the smile creeping into her voice. "Are you okay? When are you coming home?"
"You should be resting," he said, deflecting her questions.
"Aaron?" her voice raised in anxiety. She had been married to him long enough to know when he was being evasive.
"I'm fine," he replied, his voice rough and giving out halfway through his statement.
"You don't sound fine," she said. "What happened to your voice?"
"I'm okay, sweetheart. I swear." Morgan gave him a disbelieving look but, thankfully, refrained from making any remarks. "Is he awake?"
"Are you kidding? Why do you think I'm still up?"
"Can I speak to him for a second?"
"Sure, hold on." He heard his wife put down the phone. Haley's soft murmurs as she brought their son to the phone eased the tension in his body. Soon the quiet cooing and burbles of his son came over the airwaves.
"Hi there," he said softly. He received happy gurgles in reply. A small smile curved his lips. "Do you have a good day? You know you should be sleeping, let your Mom get some rest too. I love you." His son responded with a contented laugh. The sound of the phone being shifted warned him that his wife was picking up the conversation now.
"Aaron, when are you coming home?"
"I'm still working the case," he sighed. "I'll be home as soon as I can, okay? Go to sleep, sweetheart. Don't worry about me."
"All right," she said reluctantly. He had called her several times over the past few hours to let her know vaguely why he was working so late. "Have you found him yet?"
"We're getting there," he answered.
"You be careful," she admonished.
"I will," he promised. "I love you."
"I love you too," she said. "Good luck."
"Thanks. Bye."
"Bye."
By the time Jimmy Baker was safely reunited with his family, Aaron had come home to discover his wife and son both sound asleep in the master bedroom. He stood in the darkness of the early morning hours, watching their chests rise and fall in unison. They looked so peaceful and he was reluctant to disturb their rest.
As he stood there, watching his young family, old fears dared to creep out of the crevices of his mind to assault his heart. His right hand began to fiddle with his wedding finger as dark thoughts ran through his head.
He had grown up in a household of violence. He had more childhood memories of being beaten than hugged, being scolded than loved. And while he knew he was not his father, Aaron also knew the stakes were stacked against him when it came to domestic violence. The abused often became abusers, he knew that. It was one of the primary reasons he had been reluctant to marry anyone and start a family. With his stressful and difficult job as well as his past, he wasn't sure if he could be absolutely certain that one day he wouldn't snap and continue the vicious cycle that his father had begun years before, beating his wife and children indiscriminately.
Then Haley had walked into his life, a bright breath of hope. She was different than all the other women he had dated before her. She was a strong, intelligent woman who knew full well what she was getting into. She was patient with him while he worked up his nerve to ask for her hand in marriage. She accepted his past and repeatedly reassured him that he was a gentle husband and would make a great father. She made him happy with her upbeat personality. Even weeks of morning sickness did nothing to dampen her enthusiasm for life or her love for him.
When he first held his son in his arms, Aaron thought he might actually melt with joy. After that, the first few hours of parenthood were a blur to him. He remembered the feelings of euphoria and wonder as well as a good dose of terror at the responsibilities that he would face as a parent. Somehow, he managed to take it all in stride.
But underneath all of those positive and normal feelings, he was terrified of becoming his father. Aaron hadn't spoken of his fears to anyone, not even Haley. He knew she would understand and soothe his concerns briefly, but she had no magic spell that could permanently guarantee that he would never raise a hand to her. His heart twisted at the mere thought of causing them pain, but the only choices he saw were to either distance himself from his family or risk physically harming them. But he didn't want to do either. All he wanted was to have a normal family, to love his wife and son unreservedly.
He sat down by his son's sleeping form, the mattress sinking smoothly under his weight. Haley made a quiet noise and shifted her position slightly, but didn't wake. He watched his son's small chest rise and fall in the moonlight. It soothed him to see that pure innocence still existed in all the darkness of the world.
"I love you and your mother so much," he said softly to his sleeping son. "I can't imagine ever hurting you and…and I won't. I'll always be here for the both of you." He lightly laid his hand on his son's chest, feeling the fluttering heartbeat underneath his fingertips.
"I promise," he vowed quietly, leaning down and kissing his child on the forehead. Oddly enough, that simple act made him feel like he had sealed a scared covenant with the ones he loved, a binding contract that would allow him to love without fear. It made him feel stronger than his demons. Heartbeats passed in silence.
"We know that," his wife's voice said softly. "We've always known that." Reaching over their son, Haley touched his arm with a warm hand. "Put him in the cradle and come to bed, honey."
Complying with his wife's requests before slipping under the covers with her, Aaron wrapped his arms around her. Haley snuggled close to him and the Hotchner family passed the rest of the night in peace.