Fragmented Memory
Kagura Kyo Shinra
Warning: This is a shounen-ai story. That means boy-boy love. Don't read it if you don't like that.
Disclaimer: I wish I did, but I don't own anything from Final Fantasy.
Squall raced down the hallway leading to the dorms and didn't stop until he found the familiar door he'd raced to dozens of times. He was only thirteen, but he had already proven to be a fantastic warrior, and his best friend was the one good enough to one day challenge that.
He knocked on the door and grinned as Seifer opened it, smiling back at him. Without waiting for an invitation, Squall entered the room and closed the door behind him.
"I'm so happy," Squall said. "I just got that test back, you know the one I was worried about. I got an A on it!"
"That's great, Squall," Seifer said happily. "I told you not to worry about it. Oh, I almost forgot!"
Seifer rushed to a bag on his bed and began searching through it. Finally, he pulled out a small object. Holding it tightly in his hand, he walked back to Squall.
"When I was in Balamb, I saw this, and I thought you'd like it."
Seifer dropped the gift into Squall's eager hand. He looked down to see a silver ring with a strange monster engraved on it.
"Oh, it's wonderful, Seifer. What's this monster on it?" Squall asked.
Seifer laughed. "It's not a monster. It's a lion. They're so proud and strong, just like you, Squall. That's why I got it for you."
"I love it," Squall grinned. He slipped it onto his finger. "It's a little big, but that's good because then I can keep it forever."
"I'm glad you like it. When I was buying, some other kids made fun of me because they knew I was buying it for you."
"Why would they do that!" Squall demanded. "That's so cruel! You're so nice to me, Seifer. You're my best friend."
"That's why they were making fun of me," Seifer said. "Because they know."
Seifer walked up to Squall and placed a hand on the side of his face, caressing the silky skin, and allowing it to fill him with a wonderful excitement. This moment had been building for so many years. He couldn't hold it back anymore. He didn't care how Squall felt about him, Seifer just wanted Squall to know how much he cared for him.
"Know what?" Squall asked, a blush creeping onto his cheeks.
"That I . . ."
Seifer leaned into Squall and brushed his lips against Squall's. Squall hesitated for a second, but then his eyelids dropped, and he opened his mouth, allowing Seifer into its secret depths. To Seifer it seemed like forever that their lips were together, and yet, all too soon it seemed, they pulled away.
"Oh, Seifer," Squall breathed.
He slipped his arms around Seifer's neck and held him tightly in his thin arms. Seifer felt the heat of Squall's body and his breath giving Seifer a burst of life.
As Squall held Seifer in his arms, Seifer's hand dropped down, stopping to rest on Squall's inner thigh, massaging it.
"Seifer," Squall moaned.
His own hand fell down to Seifer's, leading it up to the growing bulge between his legs. He pressed firmly, moaning Seifer's name again and hiding his face in Seifer's broad chest.
"Don't go back to your room tonight, Seifer," Squall murmured. "My roommate is home for the weekend. Please stay with me."
"How could I refuse something I want more than anything else?" Seifer asked, and he slowly led Squall toward the bed.
Squall shook his head and brought himself from his thoughts. His face flushed from the embarrassment that this strange memory brought into him. He wasn't sure if any of it was real or if it was fake. He'd stopped using GFs, and ever since had been plagued with strange fragments of memories, and he wasn't sure if some of them were real or just desires.
"Squall!" Quistis gasped as she entered the quad. "I swear I just saw Seifer heading to the ballroom. I know it was him!"
"Seifer!" Squall demanded.
Without waiting for a response, he raced out of the quad for the ballroom.
Seifer took another drag of his cigarette and flicked the ashes over the balcony. With one last drag, he put it out on the railing and tossed it to the ground below.
"When did you start smoking?"
Seifer didn't turn around. He didn't need to. It didn't matter how long it had been since he heard it, he would recognize that voice for the rest of his life. The calm, monotonic voice of Squall Leonhart.
"After I left Ultimecia," he said. "Took the sting off of life."
"I didn't believe Quistis when she told me she saw you here. Did you come to ask Cid if you could return?"
Seifer gave a short laugh. "Yeah right. Like anyone would want me back here. No, I came to apologize to him. Then . . ."
"Then what?"
Seifer turned around. There they were. Those beautiful eyes he'd fallen for, those eyes that held everything inside of them. Seifer never needed Squall to show his emotions because Seifer could always see them in those eyes. He'd learned to read every inch of Squall from their battles. He'd learn to love every inch as well.
"Then I was hesitating before I went to find you."
"Me?" Squall asked, heart racing.
"To apologize. I was going to hesitate a little longer, but since you're here now . . ." Seifer gave a little bow. "I'm sorry for what I did. I was wrong . . . . I've always been wrong."
Squall's eyes widened a bit, and he took a step backwards.
"I accept your apology, Seifer. I don't blame you. You were under her control."
"It's not an excuse. But . . . I thought it would be harder to apologize, but that was really easy. I wonder what that means."
"It means you really meant it."
"Well then, I guess I won't be seeing you," Seifer said with a wave.
He pushed himself away from the balcony railing and walked toward the door. As he passed Squall, he inhaled a deep breath as if trying to capture a part of Squall to keep with him forever, to remember him even though he'd never be back.
"Wait," Squall whispered, his hand lightly catching Seifer's shoulder. "I wanted to ask you something."
"What is it?"
Squall released Seifer's shoulder and moved to where Seifer had been standing prior, looking at the ground below.
"With the GFs, I forgot so much, but since I've stopped using them, I've remembered things. They're like a distant dream though, and I don't always know if they're real or . . . just a fantasy. Maybe you could help me."
"Why would I be able to help?" Seifer inquired.
"Because it's a memory about you," Squall murmured.
"Really?" Seifer asked, suddenly gaining interest. "What about?"
Squall didn't turn around to face Seifer, but Seifer had a feeling that the brunette was blushing.
"I think I was thirteen and you were fourteen. You . . . Seifer, did you give me this ring?"
He held his hand out behind him, showing it to Seifer. Seifer glanced at it, instantly recognizing it as the ring he had bought for Squall so many years ago just before he expressed how he felt for Squall.
"I did," he stated.
"Then the rest of my memory must be true as well," Squall said. "You kissed me, and we . . . You stayed that night."
"You asked me to. How could I refuse?"
"Seifer!" Squall gasped and spun around.
Seifer was right, Squall had been blushing. His face was bright red, and he was staring directly into Seifer's face with those passionate eyes, trying so hard not to look away.
Suddenly, Squall leaned forward, reaching out for Seifer, but Seifer pulled away, and Squall dropped to his knees, unprepared for Seifer's retreat.
"You don't feel that way anymore . . ." Squall whispered. "I've been pushing you away too long."
"No that's not it!" Seifer said desperately.
He grasped Squall's shoulders and helped him to stand.
"It's not that I don't feel that way because I feel even more that way than I ever did. But you . . . You're so wonderful and perfect. You deserve better than me. You deserve someone as perfect as yourself."
Squall looked away, his eyes appeared to be glistening with unshed tears, but Seifer couldn't believe it. He hadn't seen Squall cry in years.
"I'm not perfect, and I don't want anybody perfect. I only want you. We've been though so much, Seifer. I want you like I wanted you then. I don't care what you did."
"I do," Seifer stated firmly. "I won't contaminate you with my bloody hands. I shouldn't have come back at all. Goodbye, Squall. Take care."
He turned to leave, and just as he reached the door, Squall let out a painful scream as if something had pierced him. Seifer spun around. Squall was on his hands a knees again, and the tears he had been holding back began to drop, creating darkened dots on the balcony floor.
"If you leave me, I'll follow you. Even if you go to the end of the world, I'll find you and bring you back to me."
"Don't waste your time," Seifer hissed. "I'm not worth anything except hate. Hate me, Squall. It's all I deserve."
"What have I done, God!" Squall yelled. "I did what I was supposed to, but now I'm being punished! If regaining my memories only causes me such pain then I don't want them."
Seifer stared at Squall, almost feeling the pain that Squall was feeling. It must have been building up below the surface, and when he finally knew his memories were true, it burst like a geyser. But Squall would have to face the pain. He'd have to deal with it because Seifer would never be good enough.
"Please," Squall muttered. "Please, Seifer, don't leave me. I don't want to be alone anymore. It hurts so much."
Seifer dropped down to Squall and grabbed his face, lifting it and forcing Squall to look him in the eyes.
"Do I really cause you so much pain?"
Squall nodded.
Seifer looked into those eyes that he could read so well, and he finally truly felt Squall's pain. Squall wasn't looking at him the way Seifer thought he would. He didn't see anything evil in Seifer's face. All he saw was the love he had lost so many years ago because of those damned GFs. How could Seifer continue to cause him this kind of pain? It didn't matter what others might think, Squall truly didn't see a monster in Seifer, and through those eyes, Seifer could begin to stop seeing himself that way. With Squall's power, Seifer knew he could finally learn to care for himself again.
"Forgive me," Seifer begged.
He pulled Squall into his arms, holding him tighter than ever, so tight that nothing could tear them apart. Squall's arms wrapped around him as well, and Seifer felt a wonderful feeling growing inside of him. That self loathing was beginning to fall away in Squall's arms.
"Thank you so much, Squall." Seifer said, his own eyes starting to water this time.
"For what?" Squall asked, looking up at him.
Seifer held him again.
"For looking at me," he whispered. "For looking at me with those eyes."
Squall gave a laugh and lightly kissed Seifer's lips.
"You're welcome, I guess."
Seifer laughed as well, looking into those eyes, seeing his own reflection in them, a strong warrior, becoming stronger every day.
End