Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (No flames or the chocobo will Meteo you.)
Author's Notes: Thank you all for your patience with my sporadic writing over the last three years. Thank you for all the reviews, encouragement, and random fits of "I don't know why but they belong together." This is the last chapter. I hope you've had a good time, and thanks for reading.

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 39: Getting the Best Ending

Kuja glared down at the perky blonde next to him. Then he glared at Rikku.

"For the last time, let go of my tail!"

"But, ooh, it's so soft..." Rikku was petting the silver-violet fur on his tail. Her other hand had a terribly tight grip on the limb, and Kuja was quite certain that she may have broken it.

"I forgot to warn you about her grip," Zidane said.

"I'd almost be willing to fight, if it meant my tail was being spared."

"You know, your tail is longer than Zidane's!" Rikku grinned and gave it a sharp tug. Kuja yelped.

"Oh, come on, just give it back already!"

"And give me back my shoes!" Zidane added.

Rikku looked at her shoes for a minute. "No way, they're mine!"

"No honor among theives, I guess."

"Huh?" The group turned in surprise at the new voice. It was Sephiroth. Kefka was hopping a few paces behind him.

Kuja sweatdropped. "I get the feeling that I shouldn't be surprised that you two would show up."

"Of course!" Sephiroth grinned. Kefka hopped over to Kuja, swatting at Rikku's hand.

"Let go of his tail, that's not yours to touch!"

"Ow, you big meanie!" Rikku dropped Kuja's tail, wound her hand back, and punched Kefka squarely in the jaw. Kefka let out a shocked squeak as he fell over.

Sephiroth blinked in surprise. "Wow."

"That was surprisingly painful," Kefka said, sitting up.

"These power limiters must do more than just block our magic," Sephiroth said, looking at the little tags on his wrist.

"Yeah, it sucks, don't it." The blonde villain rubbed his jaw.

Kuja, in the meantime, was having a small fit in Rikku's direction.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, you little twit!" Kuja's tail was swishing angrily behind him. "I didn't say you could touch my tail! And how dare you hit Kefka! He's not yours to hit!"

"Ur, well, he...he started it!"

"Aw, I think I'm being defended," Kefka said, brushing off his rump as he got to his feet. Sephiroth sweatdropped.

"It's kinda scary."

"When you're sober, at least," Kefka agreed.

"I think we should leave Rikku to this one," Yuna said to Paine.

"Oh, no no, I've waited this long, I want to hurt something!" Paine shook her head, scowling.

"You could punch me," Sephiroth offered. Paine's reddish eyes lit up.

"Really?"

He shrugged. "Sure. Couldn't hurt too much."

"Don't be so sure about that," Paine grinned.

"Urr..." Sephiroth didn't get a chance to defend himself, before Paine punched him in the stomach. He flinched, nose wrinkling for a moment. Then he blinked a few times. "Uh....ow?"

"You mean that didn't hurt?!"

"Well, a little...."

"That's impossible!" Paine hissed. "You should be in more pain than that!"

"Maybe his power limiters are defective?" Yuna suggested.

"Or maybe he's too stupid to realize it should hurt more," Kefka said. Sephiroth shrugged.

"Let me try again," Paine said, cracking her knuckles.

"Hey, no, I only said-"

Yuna sighed as Paine attempted to pummel Sephiroth. She looked at Kefka, who was looking from one scene to the other.

"Does this mean I have to fight you?"

"Ur, no," Kefka said, arching a brow. "I already got hit once, and that's plenty, thank you."

"What a wimp."

"I was a mage, not a sword-toting moron," he hissed, pointing a finger in Sephiroth's direction.

"Oh. My bad." Yuna looked around. "Hey, isn't that your father over there?"

"Unfortunately."

"Aren't you going to go talk to him?"

"No," Kefka said evenly. Yuna looked surprised.

"Why not? I never really got to know my father very well before he died. If I had the chance to talk to him I'd..." Yuna trailed off. Kefka looked at her doubtfully. "Oh, wait, my father's here in town. I could go talk to him."

"Then why don't you?" he made a little shooing motion.

"Because he's usually busy playing with Sir Auron and Sir Jecht."

"Pl...aying?"

"Yeah!"

"This is ridiculous!" Kuja shouted behind them. He threw up his hands. He and Rikku had continued bickering. Zidane was standing off to the side now, holding his bloodied nose. It wasn't clear who'd given it to him.

"I'll say, I've never met a guy who could bicker like a woman as well as you," Rikku said, hands on her hips.

"You have no idea," Kuja sighed, crossing his arms.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Zidane piped up. "Kuja was a-"

"Why don't you shut up again?" Kuja hissed at his brother. The younger shrugged, head tilted forward a bit.

"Oh, what's that? Were you on a debate team or something?" Rikku wondered.

"A what? No, I was a....a...." Kuja made a frustrated noise. "Forget it."

"Kuja was a girl for awhile," Zidane said, inching away from the villain in question.

"I said shut up!"

"You were a girl?" Rikku giggled. "That's so...weird!"

"It was my punishment," Kuja sighed.

"Though it's not much of a stretch, really," Yuna said.

Kefka stopped rubbing the bruise on his chin. "Uwee, back off, girl, he's claimed!"

"Yeah!" Sephiroth shouted.

The blonde looked back. "What are you doing now?"

Paine and Sephiroth had been reduced to thumb wrestling.

"What does it look like we're doi-ow!"

"Ha, got ya!"

"No, fair, I was distracted!" Sephiroth looked at his thumb.

"Too bad, you lost," Paine said, making a little triumphant motion.

"You're pathetic," Kefka sighed as Sephiroth skulked to his side.

"Oh, you're one to talk," Sephiroth said, gesturing at Kefka's chin. The shorter man stuck out his tongue and shrugged.

"Why don't you kiss it better?" Kuja sighed. Sephiroth sneered briefly.

"No, I'll pass on that. I haven't had anything to drink since before we left," he said, waving his hand.

"You could do it for him," Kefka grinned at Kuja.

"I'll pass."

"Phooey."

Kuja shook his head, sighing again. "This is stupid. I try to get a little break from stupidity, but it apparently is destined to follow me wherever I go."

"Are you talking about the Gullwings or your groupies?" Zidane wondered.

"Both, at the moment."

"Hey!!" Five voices chorused. Zidane and Kuja grinned briefly.

"Can I hurt him now?" Paine said through gritted teeth.

"No," Sephiroth said, glaring. Paine grumbled.

"No need," Kuja said, turning to look at Zidane. "Brother, thank you for the milkshakes and such."

"Aw, you're leaving already?" Zidane said, attempting to look disappointed.

"Yeah..." he looked back to Kefka and Sephiroth. "There's no point in hanging out up here, if I'm just going to be followed by my problems."

"Uwee hee..."

"I think I should be more insulted than I am," Sephiroth said, scratching his ear and looking perplexed.

Kuja tucked his tail back under his skirt, then took a moment to fix his hair. "Come on, boys, we're going home."

"Yes, ma'am! Ur, I mean, sir!" Kefka said, hopping after Kuja as he strode off. Sephiroth followed, though without the hopping.

The Gullwings stared at the departing villains for a moment.

"Hey, wait a minute...."

"They left!" Yuna said.

"Does this mean we get a mission complete?" Rikku looked at the others.

"I...guess so," Paine said, though she didn't seem thrilled by that.

"Woo hoo!"

"Hey, I know," Yuna said, clapping her hands. "Let's go get drunk and harass Aeris!"

"Yeah!"

"Who's paying?" Paine asked.

"Um.... he is!" Yuna pointed at Zidane.

"Wh-what? Hey, no, I'm not gonna-"

"NOW!" Yuna shouted. Zidane flinched.

"Alright, but just one roun-ow, let go of my tail!"

:

"Uwee, Kuja-doll...."

"Hm?" He blinked, the transfer station in Hell coming into focus.

"You really have to quit leaving us like that," Sephiroth cut in.

"Yeah, I'm far too delicate to put up with that place!" Kefka was flailing.

"Oh, calm down already, they took off the power limiters," Kuja said, pointing to his own wrist.

"It was just so bright and....and....cheerful!" Kefka clung to Kuja's arm. "I think it may have done damage."

"Now, that would just be redundant."

"It was pretty scary, Kuja, I don't know how you could stand it," Sephiroth said as the trio made its way back to the villain's room.

"Yeah, all these scary people kept jumping out at us, and yelling..."

Kuja smiled. "Did you cry?"

"I thought about it," Kefka said.

"How manly."

"Oh, right, and who was the one screaming because someone was pulling their tail?"

"Hey, that really hurts, you know..." Kuja shrugged. "Besides, I was...uh...just doing that so you could find me."

"Really?"

"Sure."

"I thought you didn't know we were up there," Sephiroth said.

"C'mon now," he smiled. "I'd have been disappointed if you hadn't shown up." Kuja patted Sephiroth's hair. "You're like faithful puppies."

"Arf," Sephiroth said, looking a bit sheepish.

"So, why did you come to Heaven after me?"

"Well..." Kefka giggled. "Uwee hee..."

"We were just a little concerned, that's all," Sephiroth said.

"Concerned."

"Yeah. That you might tell someone about...uh..." He waggled his sword a bit. "Y'know."

"Oh...oh, that.."

"Yeah."

Kuja shrugged again. "I don't remember if I did or not."

"Zidane didn't heckle us when we got there, so I s'pose you didn't," Kefka said.

"Either that or you got lucky."

"Nah, we haven't gotten that lucky," Sephiroth said. He grinned. Kuja blushed.

They arrived at the villain's room and went inside.

"Who'd you leave guarding the table?" Kuja wondered.

"Um, the cat, and Ansem."

"Best defenses in Hell, eh?"

"But of course."

Kefka sighed happily as they neared the table. "Ah, home sweet home."

"Momma!" Ansem hopped up out of his seat. "You're back!"

"Uh, yes, that's right, Ansem," Sephiroth nodded. "Were you a good boy?"

"Not at all," Ansem grinned.

"Atta boy."

"I'll probably regret asking, but why is Seymour's big butt on the floor over here?" Kefka wondered, standing next to his chair. The others sat.

"I knocked him out," Ansem said, looking pleased with himself. "He's visiting the Darkness!"

"I know he's utterly obnoxious, but why did you knock him out?" Kuja toed the inert form on the floor.

"He kept challenging Momma's orders," Ansem said. "Kept trying to sneak a chair over here and stuff."

"I'll have to throttle him when he wakes up," Sephiroth decided, motioning for the waitress.

"Did I do good?" Ansem asked, looking hopeful.

"Yes, of course."

"I suppose we'll just have to get used to Seymour being a pest," Kuja sighed faintly.

"The more I get to beat him up the better, though," Sephiroth said. "Masa-chan doesn't get enough use these days."

"Then what will become of Kefka?"

"Oh, don't worry, he's always good for backup."

"Uwee hee, that's not very funny, sword-boy."

"Gee, I thought it was a riot..."

"Oh, shit."

"Huh?" Kefka and Sephiroth looked at Kuja. His eyes had gone wide. "What's wrong?"

"I..." Kuja blushed. "I think I had too much to drink while I was visiting Zidane."

Kefka cocked his head curiously. "Oh? How's that?"

"Because, I..." He drew his knees together. "I've gotta pee."

"Oh." Kefka blinked. "Oh."

"Say, why don't we go to the Mall?" Sephiroth said suddenly.

"Yes, the Mall!" Kefka nodded.

"The Mall?" Ansem said, clueless.

"Yes, they have very nice bathrooms at the Mall," Kefka said quickly. "Much nicer than the one here."

"We wouldn't want you to have to use that bathroom again," Sephiroth said. "It's so foul and dirty and....so on."

"That's right, uwee!" Kefka nodded again. "We'll go to the Mall, and you can use the bathroom there. I'll even stand in line with you."

"Me too," Sephiroth said.

"Yes, we'll make an outing of it!" Kefka said, standing. "No need for you to go in the bathroom here, Kuja-doll!"

Kuja laughed and shook his head. "Alright, boys. It sounds like a plan."

And so they went.

----

end chapter 39

The End