reason6

A Reason to Let Go

by tbossjenn

Part Six

*****************

Gently gripping Moro's shoulder, Kaya thought: Now is the time. San's coming, and when she finds her daughter's body, her anger will make her stupid in battle. Then Ashitaka will finally be mine alone.

Kaya held the dagger low by her side, but hesitated to strike. Moro was so trusting, as a little girl should have the right to be. The ghost snakes appeared and began to writhe about the young woman as she thought that she should have been the one to give Ashitaka this child. It was the fault of the Eboshi woman that she was not the mother; it was Eboshi's fault that Kaya was not Ashitaka's wife. Her life was ruined, and Kaya would make Eboshi feel every minute of her death. Eboshi would die slow, not like this child ...

This child who looked so much like Ashitaka.

Moro watched the Kodama with delight, unaware of what Kaya was planning. It had to be now - San would soon be upon them.

Kaya raised a hand to her aching skull as she gripped her dagger with the other.

Do it now!

Kaya lifted the dagger, and then Ashitaka's daughter turned and smiled up at her.

I'm killing Ashitaka's child ... She thought of Ashitaka, who must hate her for wanting to destroy the ones he loved. Her Anisama, her love, hated her. What am I doing?

Sick with horror and self-loathing, Kaya dropped the dagger and backed away from Moro. The ghost snakes dissolved, and the young woman suddenly felt all her strength leave her. Crying out in pain, she collapsed to the ground.

"What's wrong?!"

"Get out of here!" Kaya hissed. "Get away from me!"

The frightened girl turned and ran from the shivering form - ran back down the hill into the forest where thin branches whipped and scratched her face. She cried in fear, wanting her mother, then screamed when she suddenly ran into a terrifying monster - a barbarian woman in a dirty shift who carried a dagger and wore a frightening expression on her face. The wrath quickly turned into tenderness, and Moro realized with amazement that this creature was her own beloved mother.

"Moro, oh my god!" San sobbed, falling to her knees and scooping the little girl into her arms.

Moro held her mother tight and asked, "Mother, why are you so scared? I wasn't in trouble, I was only scared by the strange lady."

"Did she hurt you?" San asked anxiously.

Moro solemnly shook her head. "No, she fell down and told me to go away. I was lost."

San stood up and led the little girl over to a thick cluster of bushes. "I want you to stay here, Moro, and hide. I'll come back for you soon."

Moro began to cry again. "Mother, don't leave me!"

"I'll be back soon, love, I promise. Be a good girl and wait here for me."

* * *

San regretted leaving Moro behind, but she had to kill the demon. She didn't know why Kaya had spared her daughter, nor did she care. Kaya was not far ahead - the young woman lay on the ground in a shaking heap. San rushed foward and turned her over roughly, raising her dagger. "Now you die!" Kaya said nothing, she merely stared at San through unfocused eyes. "What trick are you playing?" San asked warily, suddenly unsure of what she should do.

"Do what you came to do," Kaya challenged through clenched teeth.

San realized that the girl was in terrible pain - the demon seemed to be gone and in its place was a gravely ill young woman. Voices echoed in the wolf girl's thoughts:

"Why did you stop me from killing her? Tell me before you die!"

"I wanted you to live, that's why."

Long ago it had been Ashitaka who stared at her over the blade of a sword. Now this girl, the one he had loved - the one he still loved - lay at her mercy. San feared her because she threatened her daughter's life; and now, more than ever, she feared Kaya's place in Ashitaka's heart. It would be so easy to kill her - she was helpless - and San would be within her right. San stood there looking down at Kaya for a moment, clenching the dagger in her fist.

Shivering, Kaya whispered, "Do it quickly." She closed her eyes.

It was then that San asked herself why Kaya had spared Moro.

The wolf girl sheathed her dagger. "I'm taking you home," she said tersely.

Kaya began to cry softly. "No, please ... please! You must kill me, I can't face him. Please!"

Ignoring her, San summoned Kaya's red elk and lifted the trembling woman onto its back. As they made their way down to the Emishi village after stopping to collect Moro, San thought of how much this reminded her of the time she had used Yakkul to carry Ashitaka to the pool of the Forest Spirit. Now, just as she had back then, she wondered why she was trying to save the life of her enemy.

* * *

The wolves grew restless as Ashitaka impatiently paced back and forth, pausing occasionally to look down at the Emishi village that lay below. San and Moro should have met them by now - it was mid-afternoon. "I'm going back," the warrior finally said. "Something's wrong." He jumped onto Yakkul's back, but then he heard a voice calling out his name. To his surprise, Jii-San came riding out of the woods.

"Prince Ashitaka, I've finally found you," the older man said. He gasped and started to pull back when he saw the wolves.

"It's all right, they won't hurt you," Ashitaka reassured him. "Jii-San, you shouldn't be talking to me."

"That doesn't matter now. San brought Kaya back to us."

"What do you mean? What happened?"

Jii-San lowered his eyes and said, "Kaya took Moro this morning - don't worry, she's all right! San went after them, and Kaya's gotten very sick - like she was before she became a demon."

"I have to go back." Ashitaka urged Yakkul on, but Jii-San stopped him.

"You know you can't do that, Ashitaka. If you are seen by the others, you will bring great dishonor upon yourself and your family."

Angry, the young man said, "My family needs me, and I must see Kaya!"

"Your wife and daughter are safe, and Hii-Sama is caring for Kaya. Please do as I say."

Ashitaka looked down at the village and sighed in frustration. "All right, I'll stay. Tell San to come as soon as she can." Jii-San nodded and turned away. As he rode off, Ashitaka called out, "Thank you, old friend!" The rider raised his arm as he disappeared into the trees.

One of the white wolves growled. "We are just supposed to sit and wait then? That demon is in your village!"

"Kaya's no demon," Ashitaka replied sharply.

The other one approached the young man and said, "Look at those birds." A large flock of crows rose up over the trees in the distance.

"What does it mean?" Ashitaka asked.

"Something is coming."

* * *

San stood back as the wisewoman fed medicine to Kaya. "Will she live?"

"It is too soon to tell. The curse is still inside her, making her sick. I'm doing all I can for her."

Coughing, Kaya opened her eyes and said, "If that were true, then you'd let the wolf girl kill me now."

"My dear, the illness is affecting your mind," Hii-Sama soothed her gently. "You don't want to die."

Kaya shook her head violently. "No, I'm not crazy. I know what I did, what I could still do ... " She looked over to San and desperately said, "Mercy, justice - call it whatever you want, just do it. Please."

Troubled, Hii-Sama said to San, "I must get her some soup, but I'm afraid to leave her alone."

"Don't worry, I'll stay with her. I won't harm her."

When San was alone with Kaya, she hesitantly kneeled down beside the sick girl and raised a cup of water to her lips. Turning her head away, Kaya rasped, "Get away! I don't want you helping me!"

"You must have many reasons for hating me," San said uneasily, settling back.

"You married my Anisama," Kaya answered dully. "But then I almost killed your daughter. I guess we're nearly even."

"I didn't know he was yours," San said evenly, trying to control her anger.

"He probably never told you about me."

"No, he told me all about you. He said you're loving and kind, and you love to laugh. He told about how you were ready to defend your friends from the demon all by yourself, and how you were the only one who came out to see him when he left. That meant so much to him." San had often wondered how Ashitaka could fall in love with one such as herself after loving someone like Kaya.

"I'm not that person anymore," Kaya said softly. "Is Moro all right?"

"She's safe."

"You still don't trust me - that's probably a good thing. I'm sick now, but the dark anger could come back, and you know it. It could take over and make me kill your daughter, maybe even Ashitaka." Watching San carefully, she said in a shaking voice, "Do you want to know how I was going to kill Moro? I was going to cut her throat. It would have been very quick, and she wouldn't have felt anything - except for the blade on her skin. She would have cried out once, and then it would have been over." Kaya closed her eyes, as if she were picturing the scene in her mind. "I would never make a child suffer."

San stumbled back in sick horror, her hand closing around her dagger. It was all a trick - Kaya was still a demon and San had been a fool to bring her to the village. Now she had to put an end to her - it was a good thing Hii-Sama was gone. Kneeling back down beside Kaya, San quickly drew her dagger and pulled the girl's head back, exposing her throat. The blade hovered over the pale skin as San realized that Kaya was not fighting her; she was merely laying there waiting for the death she wanted. Kaya had been trying to frighten San into killing her, and she had almost succeeded. Turning away, the wolf girl said, "I won't hurt you."

Kaya opened her eyes and glared at her. "Damn you."

* * *

"I can smell them now," one of the wolves said, sniffing the air. "There are many humans and horses. They're very close."

"It must be an army, maybe they'll pass by the village without trouble," Ashitaka replied. Not many outsiders knew about the Emishi, and Ashitaka wanted to keep it that way. Whistling to Yakkul, he said to the wolves, "Stay here, I'll go check it out."

Ashitaka and Yakkul sped off in the direction they had seen the birds eariler that day. The wolf was right - the army was close because it did not take them long to find it. Ashitaka was surprised to see that it wasn't very big - not big enough to be of any real advantage in a battle. Maybe there was more coming. Then the warrior grew uneasy as he recognized the banner of Taira. Ashitaka quickly went and found Lord Kei, who was glad and relieved to see him.

"Ashitaka, I was afraid I'd be too late. I thought the demon might have already killed all of you."

"How did you find us, my lord?"

"I sent scouts to track you, and my army set out a few days after you left. When you were gone, I realized I shouldn't have let you two go after the demon alone, especially not with a child. I hope you can forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive. You have your own wife and children to look after. How is Eboshi?"

"She's fine. She's had the baby - it's a boy." Kei's joy was overshadowed by his fear. "Do you know where the demon is, Ashitaka?"

The young man shook his head. "No, we lost it somewhere in the deep forest. San and the wolves are looking for it now." Knowing that Kei was watching him very closely, he struggled to keep his face natural. Ashitaka would not give his 'little sister' up to this man's anger, not if there was still a chance for her.

"When San will return?"

"I don't know."

Then you must camp with me and my men tonight and talk of how we miss our wives," Kei said with a half-hearted laugh. He started his horse forward, then turned in the saddle and asked, "Where's your daughter, Ashitaka?"

"We left her in a village not far from here."

Kei nodded and said thoughtfully, "A village near here. I see." He rode on ahead.

Ashitaka realized that Kei knew he was hiding something. The young warrior's uneasiness sank into dread.

The moon hung overhead as the men laughed and joked around their campfires. Ashitaka did not join in - he was trying to stifle his anxiety for Kaya. Ashitaka was impatient to know about how his 'little sister' was doing, and he wondered if he would ever be able to see her again. Kei was also silent - the two of them sat before a fire a little ways off from the others. The lord was probably thinking about Eboshi and his new son, and about what he would have to do to keep them safe. Ashitaka wanted to tell Kei that the person he wanted to kill was just a sick girl who could be dying. But Ashitaka felt that Kei would not understand.

"You're worrying about San, aren't you?" Kei asked, disrupting the younger man's thoughts.

"Yes," Ashitaka lied, feeling guilty. He realized that he hadn't really been thinking about San at all.

"You shouldn't. I think your wolf princess could survive just about anything. But Eboshi ... she was weakened by the loss of her arm. Physically, I mean. She would never admit it, though." Kei paused, then said, "Ashitaka, if you knew where the demon was hiding, you'd tell me, wouldn't you?"

"Yes."

"I have to find it," Kei said resolutely. "It'll kill Eboshi now if I don't stop it. I won't ever let anything happen to her or the children."

Ashitaka cringed inwardly as he remembered how he had made that same promise to San. Was he keeping it to her? He suddenly thought of something else. "Kei, are you going to keep heading east?"

"No, I think it must be here somewhere. It wouldn't lead you all the way here just to let you lose it."

This startled Ashitaka. "Why do you think it was leading us?"

Kei looked him in the eye and said, "I guessed. Come on, it's time we all get some sleep. I have a feeling we'll need it."

* * *

It was early morning , and Ashitaka could see his breath as he and Yakkul raced back to the village. Ashitaka was sure that Kei knew Kaya would be there. They came to a hilltop overlooking the village, and the warrior paused to consider what he was doing. By going back after being declared dead, he would dishonor not only himself but his family for generations to come. Of course, no one would know it but the Emishi themselves, but that would be more than enough for Ashitaka to feel shame. Still, this was Kaya - his 'little sister', and she needed him now. He urged Yakkul on, and they hurried down the village.

On their way to the gate, Ashitaka spared a glance for Nago's grave.

It was still very early, and no one was out yet. Leaving Yakkul in the yard, he quickly made his way to Hii-Sama's house. If he moved quickly enough, maybe he could avoid being seen by the others. Long ago he discarded his daydream of coming home and being welcomed back by his people.

As soon as he was in the door he was met by San, who whispered, "I hoped you would come."

Ashitaka turned his eyes upon his bride - the woman he loved, and held her tight. "You're all right, then?" he asked her anxiously. "Both of you?"

"Yes." San shuddered. "She could have killed Moro, but she didn't. And now she's dying."

Ashitaka stiffened. "Is that what Hii-Sama said?"

San tightened her arms around him. "I can smell the death inside her," she said softly. "I'm sorry."

San led him inside, where Kaya lay coughing and trembling in the furs. The young girl turned her wide eyes on him and whispered, "Anisama, you're here ... "

Ashitaka knelt by her side. "I had to see you, my 'little sister'."

Kaya smiled, then her face crumpled. "Don't ... don't look at me ... please don't ... "

"Ssshhhh, it's all right -"

"No!" she cried out violently. "You're disgracing yourself by being here. Go away and let me die."

"I'm not leaving you, Kaya."

"Don't you understand?" she said dully. "I was going to kill your family, Ashitaka. I was going to kill your child. I can't live with that."

"No matter what you've done, you're an innocent girl fighting an evil inside her. That's who I want to save."

Kaya shook her head. "She doesn't exist, not anymore."

"Yes she does," Ashitaka whispered, kissing her forehead. "And I promise I'll help you find her. I won't let anything happen to you."

A memory, unbidden, passed into his thoughts:

"Ashitaka!"

"Kaya, what are you doing here? You know it's forbidden."

"Do you think I care about that? I came to give you this, so you won't forget your 'little sister'."

"Your crystal dagger. Kaya, I can't take this."

"Please keep it with you, brother, to protect you. You must take it with you, please, I want you to have it. So you won't ... forget."

"Kaya, you know I could never forget you."

She was the only one who didn't turn her back on him. He couldn't fail her now.

Ashitaka said, "We have to get Kaya out of here. Lord Kei is looking for her - he's brought an army."

Startled, the wisewoman answered, "We can't move her, my prince. Not in her condition."

"If she stays, he'll kill her," the warrior said firmly. "There's a cave in the forest - do you remember it, Hii-Sama?" The old woman nodded. "We'll take her there," Ashitaka continued. "She'll be safe - at least for a little while." He turned to his wife, who had been standing apart from them. "San, will you help us?"

San looked unsure, and he wouldn't have blamed her if she refused. Kaya had, after all, threatened to take their daughter from them. Finally, San said slowly, "I love you Ashitaka. For that, I'll help her."

He stood up and went to San; taking her in his arms and holding her close. "Thank you, my love - my wife," he whispered into her ear. "I love you so much." Small words for the strength of what he felt for her, but somehow they were all that San needed to hear. When Ashitaka pulled back a little to look at her face, he was surprised to see tears streaming down her cheeks and relief in her eyes. He quickly drew her aside. "Did you ... did you think I might stop loving you? Because of Kaya?" he whispered, not wanting the sick girl to hear him.

"For awhile, maybe ... but not anymore," San answered, kissing him. Ashitaka held her again, stroking her hair. Then he noticed that Kaya was gazing at them with a thoughtful expression on her face. "It's time to go," he said.

It was daylight when Ashitaka emerged from Hii-Sama's house carrying Kaya in his arms. She was wrapped from head to toe in blankets, and her trembling had grown worse. People were out and about now, and they gasped as they recognized their lost prince.

San saw the Emishi gravely turn away from her husband, and she remembered her anger towards these people and the law that made them reject him. "Ashitaka's one of you! He's saving Kaya's life! Are you going to betray him now for a stupid law?!"

They still did not look at her, and Ashitaka said gently, "Please don't be angry with them, San. You are not Emishi, and you don't understand. Come on, we must leave before Kei finds us."

There were shouts, and the crowd parted as Lord Kei and several horsemen rode up. "What's that you have there, Prince Ashitaka?" Kei asked harshly. "That wouldn't be the demon you know nothing about, would it?"

"She's not a demon, anymore" Ashitaka answered desperately. "She's sick. Please, leave her alone."

"I'm sorry it had to be a woman. Give her to me, Ashitaka - I have to finish this now."

"Don't you even care how she got this way? She and my people were poisoned by Nago, the demon who cursed me. He became a demon when your own wife shot him!"

"Eboshi told me about the boar," Kei said, though he looked a little taken aback. "I'm sorry for what happened to all of you, but it doesn't change the fact that your little girl there is a demon who must be destroyed before she kills anyone else."

"She shouldn't have attacked Eboshi, but she did have her reasons."

"You're supposed to be my friend," Kei said heatedly. "Give her to me now, or I must treat you as my enemy."

"I'm not your enemy, Kei, but I won't let you kill my 'little sister'."

"Enough of this," Kei muttered. He drew his sword and advanced towards Ashitaka, who backed away. San, her own dagger ready, put herself between the two men. Kei did not stop. "If you're smart, you'll get out of my way!" He quickly closed the gap and tried to push San down, but she was too fast for him. San counterattacked with her blade.

"Ashitaka, get her out of here!" San yelled.

The young warrior hesitated.

"Now!"

Reluctantly, Ashitaka turned and ran towards the gate. Kei shouted to his soldiers, who quickly pursued them. Horses raced up behind him and they were knocked to the ground. Ashitaka sat up and glared at the riders who circled above him.

"Give her to us, and we'll let you live."

Ashitaka shook his head and lowered himself protectively over Kaya. He could hear San and Kei fighting nearby. What if he kills San?

"Please don't kill yourself for me, Anisama," Kaya whispered.

The soldiers suddenly cried out in pain as they were each struck by arrows. Jii-San and his warriors ran up grabbed the two men, pulling them roughly off their horses. "Go Ashitaka!" Jii-San said urgently. "Hurry! More soldiers are coming!"

Ashitaka glanced quickly towards where San was still in a heated battle with Kei, then at Kaya. Gathering the sick girl up in his arms, he hurried out the gate and into the protection of the forest, where Hii-Sama was waiting with the elk.

San jumped back as Kei lunged at her with his sword. He was a good warrior - better than most she had come across. But she felt he was holding back, and this gave her some hope. She didn't want to kill this man, for he had helped save her forest and had always been a good friend. Backing off a few steps, she said, "We don't have to do this."

"I was going to say the same thing," Kei replied wearily. "Just give me the demon, San."

"I won't help you kill someone Ashitaka loves."

"Even someone who wants to murder your child?"

"She's not like that anymore."

"You've both lost your minds," Kei said, shaking his head. "You should be helping me kill this monster."

"The only monster I see here is you."

He rushed at San then, catching her by surprise. She swiped up at him with her dagger, but Kei grabbed her wrist and twisted the blade out of her hand. He caught her other wrist, but she brought her knee up hard into his groin. Crying out in pain, Kei doubled over and fell to the ground. Kneeling over him, San took his sword, saying, "I don't want to do this, please believe me." Then San heard horsemen coming, and she paused for a second - plenty of time for Kei to swing and crush his fist against the side of the wolf girl's head. San collapsed to the ground.

Kei's captain rode up and said, "My lord, have you found the demon?"

Kei painfully got to his feet. "No, Ashitaka's hiding it. But we have his family - he won't stay hidden for long. Position the men in the village, but leave the people alone. Send some riders out into the woods to look for Ashitaka and the demon - they couldn't have gone too far." Looking down at San, he added, "Take her to someone who can take care of her, and make sure she's bound tight. Find her daughter." He hoped Ashitaka would soon come to his senses. Things had already gone too far out of control.

* * *

Ashitaka sat nearby as Hii-Sama covered Kaya with blankets. The young woman was getting worse - her fever had risen and she could not get warm. "It's so cold in here!" she gasped, shivering under her covers. The cave where they were hiding was a place Ashitaka and Kaya had played as children. He refused to think of those times now - it would be like admitting she was already dead. Hii-Sama would save her - she had saved so many in their village. But then, she had been unable to cure him of his own curse.

Ashitaka couldn't believe he had left San behind. He had promised he would take care of her and Moro, and now they were probably Kei's prisoners. He trusted San's skills as a warrior, but still ...

He looked at Kaya, who lay trembling on the cold floor of the cave, her face flushed with fever. His 'little sister' was still precious to him, and she needed him now. Ashitaka had promised to save her, could he really turn his back on her?

Ashitaka had made promises to the two women he loved, and he had thought he would be able to keep them both.

One of the white wolves appeared at the entrance of the cave. "Kei has captured your village, and he has San and Moro," he said. "Come with us now, Ashitaka. Help us free them."

Ashitaka started to gather his bow and sword, but the wisewoman gently took hold of his arm. "My prince, you mustn't go. The warlord could capture you, and I cannot protect Kaya."

"I can't just leave my family there! And our people ..."

"San is brave and strong. You say this man is your friend - do you think he would harm them or anyone else?"

"I don't know anymore, Hii-Sama," Ashitaka said softly.

"Remember what I told you when you first left us, Ashitaka? 'See with eyes unclouded by hate.' Do you think one man alone with two wolves would stand a chance against an army?"

"No ..." he answered reluctantly.

"Who are you to interfere, human?" the wolf snarled. "Ashitaka is our sister's mate. He must come help us! That woman there is only a demon! We should give her to Kei!"

Hii-Sama drew herself up and stood before the wolf. Though she was a small woman, she was somehow able to look very imposing. She glared at the wolf, who shrank back a little from her power. "Wolf god, I am the wisewoman of the Emishi, a race that has existed since the animal gods began roaming the earth. I am a creature not unlike your sister, and so is Kaya. Kaya will be important to my people's future - if she lives. Do not question my judgement."

The wolf said nothing to this, but to Ashitaka he growled, "My brother and I will not abandon our sister." He turned and left.

"They can't bring San and Moro back," Hii-Sama said.

"I know," Ashitaka agreed, suddenly feeling very tired and helpless. He walked over to Kaya and kneeled down beside her. "Are you feeling any better, my 'little sister'?" he asked her hopefully.

"No," she replied softly. "I'm so cold. The wolf is right - you must give me up."

"I won't do that," Ashitaka said firmly.

"Please, think of your wife and daughter."

"You're going to be all right," he said, tears beginning to stream down his face. "Kaya, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault - everything is my fault."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, my 'brother'," Kaya said, concerned. "You had no control over what happened to you, or to any of us. I have always loved you - loved you so much that I let myself turn to hatred. But it's not your fault. I think the gods prepared separate paths for us, and I wouldn't see it. I defied the gods and caused myself great harm. But now I know that I must be content with my place in your heart, and I must accept my fate." She looked him in the eyes, and Ashitaka suddenly saw the truth he could not face. Kneeling by her side, the warrior grasped her hand and wept.

* * *

Listening to the others' soft breathing, Kaya shivered in the darkness. They couldn't make a fire - Kei's men would see it. Ashitaka and the wisewoman lay sleeping somewhere on opposite sides of the cave without blankets, for they had given theirs to Kaya. The sick girl stood shakily to her feet and stifled a gasp as the cold and pain intensified. She kept a blanket wrapped around her and left the rest behind. The cave was pitch black, and she made her way to the entrance where light shone in from the moon overhead. Kaya walked hunched over, trying her best to ignore the pain and keep her balance. She must not let the others wake up - they would stop her.

Outside now - so close. Kaya swayed suddenly as she nearly blacked out. She crouched down, taking deep breaths and trying to will it away. Her sight cleared a bit, and she stood up and whistled softly. Finally she felt warm softness as an elk walked up to her and sniffed her hand. Not Yakkul - it was Hii-Sama's elk. Kaya felt her way to the animal's side and pulled herself up, gasping with the effort. Draped across the elk's back, she lifted her head and whispered, "Home, Ruri, please go home." She wished for her own elk Naoka, who had always given her comfort. Ruri moved forward, and Kaya almost fell off. She held on, hoping she had the strength to make it.

Ashitaka shouldn't have protected her - Kaya had committed terrible crimes and should die. She knew she was already dying, what did it matter if her life was taken by Kei instead of the sickness? A wave of nausea passed over her, and she clinged to the elk. Oh god, if she could only get there then the misery would finally end. As much as she wanted to fight this illness for Ashitaka's sake, Kaya didn't think she could endure it for much longer.

Her sight began to fail her again, and she could feel her small bit of strength beginning to leave her. Kaya suddenly glimpsed flashes of white - the wolves, San's brothers. They were running alongside the elk, who panicked and began to run faster. Kaya couldn't hold on anymore, and she knew the wolves would tear her apart once she hit the ground. Then she was slipping ... falling ...

I love you, my Anisama

* * *

Early the next morning, San was sitting upright in a bed and wrestling with the thick leather straps that bound her hands and legs behind her back. She settled back down with a frustrated sigh. She could not free herself this way - she would have to think of something else. Then she heard him coming, and she felt a surge of alarm when she saw he was carrying Moro in his arms. Would he torture Moro to make San tell him where Ashitaka had taken Kaya? "Let go of my child!" she snapped.

"As you wish, princess," Kei replied in a tired voice, lowering Moro to the floor. The little girl ran to San and hugged her close.

"Mother, I missed you! Why are you tied up?" She eyed San's bonds curiously.

"Uncle Kei and I were playing a game," San replied evenly.

"Are you done yet? I want to go home now."

"I don't know. Are we done, Kei?"

To San's surprise, the lord walked over and started to untie her. "Yes, we're done. I have what I came for."

"Kaya? Then you must have captured Ashitaka. What have you done with him?!"

"I don't know where he is," Kei answered. "My men found the girl in the forest and brought her back here."

Her hands free, San held Moro close and said in a numb voice, "So Kaya's dead then." Ashitaka would be devastated.

"You and Moro are free to leave. I'm sure you know where Ashitaka is - when you see him, tell him we're leaving his village tomorrow. And tell him that he and his kin are no longer welcome in Taira or Iron Town."

"Did you speak to her? Did you at least speak to Kaya before you killed her?" San demanded.

"She was unconscious."

"Coward. I know that hatred and murder solves nothing. It was a hard lesson for me to learn." She dropped her voice to a whisper. "Kaya was going to kill Moro, but she didn't. Somehow she was able to stop herself. If I could learn to forgive her, then surely you could have done the same."

"It's time for you to go, San. Your brothers will probably meet you outside the village, they've been at my men all night."

San picked up Moro and gave Kei a final glance before leaving. The Emishi did not look at them, for they knew now that she and Moro were Ashitaka's family. San was no longer angry with them, only tired and sad. These people had known so much grief and pain over the past several years, and they couldn't see that having Ashitaka back was a good thing. She had to remind herself that humans, like wolves, had ways that were not to be broken. Still, she could not understand it.

Worse yet, the girl Ashitaka had known and loved as his 'little sister' was dead. How could she tell him? What would she say to him, and would he accept her comfort? It was just yesterday that she wanted to kill Kaya just as much as Kei had. San led Moro up the hill, and her brothers ran up and almost knocked them down in their pleasure to see them alive. San hugged them close and rubbed their necks. "I missed you," she whispered.

"We've been trying to help you," one of them said, nuzzling her. "The humans had their guns, we couldn't get close."

"Thank you."

"The girl is dead, isn't she?"

San looked up in surprise. "Moro, why don't you go pick some of those flowers for your father?" After the girl had gone a little ways off, she asked, "How did you know that?"

"We saw her riding an elk. She fell off," the other wolf answered. "We kept her warm until the lord came for her."

"What?" San backed away from her brothers. "You let Kei take her?"

The wolf looked at her sharply. "We wanted you back, San. Ashitaka was going to do nothing! He was protecting the demon when he should have given her to Kei."

San shakily got to her feet. "She wasn't a demon - she fought it and it left her. You shouldn't have done that."

"It wasn't gone, it was buried!" the other wolf said. "You know it could have taken over again, San! Were you really willing to risk Moro's life?"

"No ... you were wrong," San insisted.

"It was what she wanted," the wolf said more gently. "She was already on her way to give herself to Kei, she was just too sick to make it on her own."

San looked at her brothers and realized that they only did what they thought was right. She knew that it was probably what Moro, their mother, would have done. The wolf goddess probably would have even just killed Kaya herself. Taking a deep breath, San said quietly, "Take me to Ashitaka now, please. We will say nothing of this to him. Ever. Do you understand?" Her brothers nodded. San gathered up her little girl, and the wolves lead her to the cave where Ashitaka had taken Kaya the night before.

Ashitaka was hurriedly tacking up Yakkul. "Maybe she just left, maybe I can still catch her!" he shouted to Hii-Sama. Catching sight of his wife, he ran to her and urgently asked, "Are you both all right? Did he hurt you?"

"We're both fine," San answered, not wanting to tell him about Kaya.

"I'm sorry, I have to go," he replied quickly. "Kaya ran away last night, she might be hurt in the woods or worse. I have to find her before Kei does." He turned away but San stopped him.

"Ashitaka ..." her voice faltered.

"What is it?"

"Kei found her last night, that's why he let us go. He ..."

Ashitaka stared at her, then shook his head in disbelief. "No ... no ... she's not ..."

"My love, I'm sorry."

He backed away, trying to control his tears. "I promised her ... I promised I would help her, and I just let her die."

San went to Ashitaka and put her arms around him. "I'm so sorry. I wish it didn't happen this way."

He clunged to her and wept, and she held him tight. He said, "She was the only one who was there for me when I had to leave - the only one who cared more for me than for our law."

San cringed at the pain and anguish she heard in his voice, and she felt a deep sense of grief and helplessness because there was nothing she could do but hold him.

She could never tell him about what her brothers had done.

* * *

"Kaya, are you awake? Can you hear me?"

The girl slowly opened her eyes, unsure of where she was. Her vision was blurred, she could barely make out a figure standing over her. She vaguely remembered falling ... warmth ... rough hands dragging her across the ground ... shouting ... pain ...

The pain was still there.

Her eyes focused, and she looked up at the man. He was angry, and she dimly realized that she should fear him. "I can hear you," she answered hesitantly. She grimaced as she was hit by a wave of nausea. "Please help me, I'm sick ..."

"I'm Lord Kei of Taira," the man said. "You tried to kill my wife and son. You killed many of my warriors. I'm here to kill you now."

It was a familiar name - she tried to remember why she should know it. But then Kei picked her up and dragged her outside, where he dumped her to the ground. This was her village, oh god - she was remembering; remembering all of it. Her crimes, her betrayal to the one she loved ... everything. Kaya whimpered in pain as she lay there on her back, unable to move. Her stomach was in so much pain, she could barely breath. She had come to this man so that he could set her free from her sins and pain. Her breath came out in shallow pants as she whispered, "I know now, I remember. Do it quickly ..." There were cries of protest as villagers gathered around them, but Kei's soldiers quickly blocked their way. Kei whispered a prayer, then raised his sword. Kaya stiffened as she suddenly felt herself being gripped by terrible spasms - was the demon trying to take her again? "Oh ... help me, help me ... please!" she gasped, then she let out a wrenched scream as her body convulsed. Turning over onto her side, Kaya began retch violently.

To Kaya's increasing horror, she vomited up a disgusting black slime that seemed to ooze out and stain the ground. It tasted like filth, and she realized that it had once been alive but was now dead. She had been carrying this dead thing inside her for the past several days. Kaya prayed for it stop, but there was more and more ... it wasn't stopping, maybe it would never stop. She would keep vomiting this stuff until she was dead.

Kaya sobbed as she continued to be sick over and over again, and was aware that a pair of strong hands supported her, and a gentle voice was trying to soothe her. She tried to focus on the voice, and then the black ooze stopped. Her stomach dry- heaved a couple more times, and then she collapsed.

"It's all right, it's all right ..." the voice said, and then she knew no more.

* * *

Sitting on the ground, Ashitaka leaned slightly back against his wife, who had her arms wrapped loosely around him. Dark clouds had formed over them, and San said something about getting inside before it rained. Ashitaka barely heard her, he was hardly aware of anything but his own grief. He couldn't believe he had failed his 'little sister.' If only he had known she was strong enough to leave the cave on her own, he would never have let himself fall asleep. Ashitaka had thought she was safe - the cave was well-hidden and he could have found a better place to hide the next morning.

"Father?"

He looked up and saw his little daughter standing before him, a scraggly bunch of flowers held tight in her hands. Moro sat down beside him and asked, "What's wrong?" The girl was shy, hesitant - as if she sensed that her presence might very well shatter him to pieces.

Ashitaka swept her into a quick hug and kissed her forehead. "I love you, Moro," he whispered. His daughter was alive now because Kaya was able to fight the demon inside of her. He had San and Moro back with him now because Kaya had sacrificed herself.

"I love you too, Father."

He smoothed back her dark hair and said, "Why don't you keep Hii-Sama company?"

Moro stood up and walked away, looking at him over her shoulder. She was still so young, but he could already see she would be very strong someday. The flowers - pretty weeds that grew along the hillsides - lay in his lap.

Ashitaka gently fingered the little pink blossoms, and he bent his head at the sudden, shameful thought that he himself had been the cause of Kaya's suffering. He brought on the curse, and he had led Kei to the village. Yes, Kaya had forgiven him for the sins he had committed against her; she even said that none of it was his fault. Perhaps it wasn't, but he still knew that he would never forgive himself for what happened to her. Worse of all, Kei had butchered her while she was asleep. The warlord had never even bothered to find out for himself that Kaya's life was worth saving. Anger surged through him as he thought of Kei celebrating his victory over killing a helpless girl. Then San's voice broke through his thoughts, distracting him a little from his anger. "Ashitaka, we must go inside now, it's raining."

So it was - Ashitaka was surprised to find himself half-soaked already. The rain had started quickly, and he hadn't even noticed. "All right," he agreed dully, getting to his feet. He turned to his wife and saw that she was standing alert and sniffing the air. "What is it?"

"It's Kei, he's riding towards us. Down there."

Ashitaka wasted no time. He quickly grabbed his sword and whistled for Yakkul.

San hurried after him. "Ashitaka, what are you going to do?"

Leaping onto the elk's back, he didn't answer her. He wheeled Yakkul around and they charged down the hill. The elk sped through the forest, leaping over rocks and fallen branches with graceful ease. The rain pounded down on them - Ashitaka felt it sting his back and plaster his hair to his skull. Then he saw the warlord riding slowly along the path below, no doubt searching for him and San so he could finish them off as he had done with Kaya. Kei had called Ashitaka his enemy, and now the young warrior was more than willing to live up to the name.

With a shout of rage, he and Yakkul leaped low over Kei and his mount. The horse spooked, and it screamed as it slipped and fell. Horse and rider plunged headlong down the hill, and once they reached the bottom the animal quickly struggled to its feet and stumbled away.

Kei lay where he had fallen, letting out a sharp cry of pain as he tried to move. His leg was twisted at an odd angle - broken. Ashitaka slid off of Yakkul's back and strode purposefully towards the warlord, his sword drawn. Kei stared at him as if in a daze, then realizing his danger he looked around for his sword. It lay a few feet away, and he quickly tried to drag himself to it. Ashitaka ran up and kicked it aside. Kei lay on his back, his chest heaving for air. Ashitaka stood over the man who had killed his Kaya, ready to kill him.

Trembling with fury, Ashitaka shouted, "You murdered her!

"No, she's still alive, Ashitaka."

"You're lying! You're only trying to save yourself !"

"Listen to me ..."

"Now you know how it feels," Ashitaka said, ignoring him. "You know what it feels like to be helpless in front of an enemy who wants nothing more than to rip your heart out."

"Kaya's back at the village."

"Shutup!"

"She's waiting for you."

Ashitaka stood ready, sword in hand. He thought he heard San calling his name, but he could focus on nothing but the man that lay before him. Then the warlord said, "We know each other well enough by now to know when the other is lying. Do I look like I'm lying now?"

A gentle hand grasped Ashitaka's arm, and he turned to see San standing beside him. "Do what you think is right, Ashitaka." she whispered sadly.

Kei looked away from them. "I couldn't do it. You were right, she is innocent."

See with eyes unclouded by hate...

Ashitaka slowly backed away, then ran to Yakkul. The pair disappeared into the forest. San watched them for a moment, then bent down to help Lord Kei. With a sardonic laugh, the warlord said, "I told her I'd find him."

Ashitaka burst into the hut to find his 'little sister' sitting propped up in bed. He stood there with a look of pure disbelief in his eyes, then rushed to her side. "Why did you do that?" he demanded, almost shaking her. "Why did you leave like that?! I thought I lost you!"

"I did what I had to do, Ashitaka," she answered quietly.

"But I promised I'd protect you."

"I know you did, but it's my life. I have the right to do what I want with it."

"You don't know what it was like - thinking you were dead, knowing that I could have done something more to save you," he said quietly.

She gave him a smile. "It's good to know that you do care for me, my brother."

Ashitaka was calm now, and he looked on her with wonder. "What happened, Kaya? You look so much better."

"The evil is gone now, it's not inside me anymore," Kaya answered, shuddering a little with the memory. "Kei helped me, and he let me live. I think I'm going to be all right now. "

"Thank the gods," Ashitaka whispered, giving her a hug.

"Were you rolling around in a mud pit before you came here?" she asked, and Ashitaka was suddenly aware of his wet clothes.

"Sort of - I was fighting with Kei."

"But I sent him to find you. Where is he?"

"I ... um ... broke his leg," Ashitaka said sheepishly.

"What?!"

* * *

"I can't believe I have to ride home in a carriage," Lord Kei lamented. "How embarrassing!" His soldiers were assembled and ready to leave. They had been camping outside the Emishi village for the past several weeks, waiting for the warlord to be well enough for the journey. Kaya followed as San and Ashitaka helped Kei to his carriage.

"You're lucky to be alive at all," San remarked. "Ashitaka was angry enough that night to take your head off."

Kei chuckled. "You don't need to remind me." He settled himself into the carriage, then turned to Ashitaka and said, "We've both said and done things to betray each other, but I was hoping we might be able to put this behind us."

"I don't know if it'll be that easy," the young man replied.

"All right, then," Kei agreed quietly. "But maybe we can talk later. You and your family are welcome to come to Taira whenever you like." To Kaya, he said, "I still can't believe it was you."

Kaya gave him a smile. "I'm sure you were expecting to find a fierce creature to slay. It would have made things a lot easier for you."

"Yes, it would have," he replied. "It also would have been wrong of me to punish an innocent, I knew that when I saw what was inside you. I should have known it when we found you half dead in the forest. Please forgive me."

"You're forgiven," she said softly. "Safe journey, my lord."

He smiled and patted her arm, then said San and Ashitaka, "Safe journey to you both." The three of them watched as the small army slowly made its way out of the village.

San drew Kaya aside and said, "I've been wanting to talk to you about ... about what my brothers did. Do you remember?"

"Yes. Please don't trouble yourself over it, San."

"They shouldn't have let you be captured."

"If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be standing here now," Kaya said gently. "Everything else is in the past."

"All right," the wolf girl said slowly, "but I should at least give you this." She held out the crystal dagger.

Kaya gasped. "I remember that. It seems so long ago now."

"Ashitaka gave it to me. I think you should have it."

"The crystal dagger is a token we give to the ones we love," Kaya said. "It belongs to you alone, San. I can't rightfully take it." She stumbled, and San quickly steadied her.

"Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine. The sickness has weakened my body. I'll never be as strong as I used to be. I just need some rest, that's all."

Ashitaka hurried over and said, "I take her to the house, San. Moro's calling for you, she fell down and scraped her knee."

"I must go quickly then," San replied, laughing gently. She gave her husband a quick kiss before running off.

Kaya leaned on Ashitaka's arm, and he walked her to the house. "You're also leaving today, aren't you?"

"Yes, it's time for us to go home," he replied. "I'm trying not to imagine what kind of shape the house is in. Hopefully, Toki and Kouroku sent someone to look after it." Two Emishi men passed by, and Ashitaka glanced at them. They did not look back.

"I'm sorry they're ignoring you, brother," Kaya said. "You know they're only obeying our law."

"I know, but I wish it didn't have to be that way. I wish I didn't have to feel ashamed to be in my own village, with my own people."

"They do admire you, and they do you honor in their own way," she replied. "They're glad you're still alive, and they're grateful to you for helping me."

"When did I ever help you, Kaya?" Ashitaka asked softly. "You became a demon because of me."

"I was able to fight it because of you. I knew that killing Moro and San would be the same as killing you, and I couldn't stand the idea of hurting you, my Anisama."

"Even though that meant giving up on the kind of life you wanted?"

"I needed to give it up, Ashitaka. I needed a reason to let go."

"You're finally free."

"Not completely free," she said with a sigh, and he saw the sad and wistful look in her eyes.

"Kaya ..."

"Loving you is something I could never feel sorry for, Ashitaka," she said. "I'll love you always. But it's not that, it's ..." She paused, then, "Hii-Sama told me today that I can never have children."

"Oh, Kaya, I'm so sorry ..." He drew her into an embrace.

Holding him tight, Kaya said, "She also says that I'm to take her place as wisewoman someday. I'm the strongest of the old bloodline, and I'll be needed." They continued on until they reached her house, and Kaya climbed into bed.

"Get some rest," Ashitaka said.

"Will you wake me before you go?"

"I will, I promise." Ashitaka bent down and brushed a kiss along her cheek, then left silently so that his 'little sister' could sleep.

the end