The Church Files, A Red Vs Blue Story Chapter 1, a red vs. blue fanfic

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files

Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…

Prologue:

Blood Gulch. The worst hell hole in the universe. A completely worthless canyon in the middle of nowhere that two warring factions have determined important enough to fight over. And I'm stuck right here in the middle of it.

My name is Private Leonard Church. I've been in the middle of a life and death struggle for this miserable canyon. And since I've been here so far, no good has come from it. My commanding officer, Captain Butch Flowers died, leaving me in charge, which I thought lucky for me because the only other person here was that perverted asshole Lavernius Tucker. I swear his purpose in life is to piss the shit out of me. But then…it got worse…a LOT worse.

One thing is for sure: this was the worst mistake of my life. Hell, I've died for this war, and I don't think it was worth it. Yes, that's right, I'm a freakin' ghost. I happen to possess this robot guy but I'll get to that later. First, you need to know how I died.

The Church Files

Chapter 1: It Hits the Fan

"What are they doing?"

"WHAT!" Ok, quick background here. Tucker and I are standing on this ridge overlooking the Red base. I'm looking through the scope of my sniper rifle down on these two reds, who're just standing there and talking. Basically, that's what they do…every fucking day. And Tucker, the idiot standing next to me, constantly asks me, "What are they doing?" So after my outburst he says, "I said, 'What are they doing now?'"

"Goddamn, I am so SICK OF ANSWERING THAT QUESTION!"

Then he points at me saying, "Hey you've got the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. So don't bitch at me because I'm not just gonna stand up here and play with my dick all day."

God, I have to explain this AGAIN! What the fuck is wrong with him? "Ok, look," I said, lowering my rifle. "They're just standing there, and talking ok. That's all they're doing…THAT'S ALL THEY EVER DO! Just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing LAST WEEK, and that's what they were doing when you asked me FIVE MINUTES AGO!" What'd I tell you? "So five minutes from NOW, when you ask me, 'What are they doing,' my answer's gonna be, 'They're still just talking…AND THEY'RE STILL JUST STANDING THERE!' Maybe that'll get him to stop.

"What're they talking about?" Of all the….

"You know what, I fucking hate you."

So we're still watching when this guy in red armor comes up and yells at the jackasses in maroon and orange. Whatever it was, they got out of the base and went over to him. Basically, he's Sarge, he's the leader of this little group. And as a leader, he SUCKS, but more on that later. The orange guy is Grif, he's fat, lazy, and annoying, but above all, he's basically my equal. He is the sanest guy on their entire fucking team. Hell, he might even be more sane than ME with all the shit I put up with. The maroon guy's name is Simmons. He is a know-it-all and complete brown-noser. So, then this other guy drives up in some kind of jeep. He's Lopez, a robot, and he is very VERY important later in the story. And then Tucker asks, "What is that thing?"

Hell I didn't know. It was a car. "I don't know, looks like they got some type of…car down there. We'd better get back to base and report." Cue the whining…now.

"A car? How come THEY get a car?"

"What are you complaining about man? We're about to get A TANK in the VERY NEXT DROP." I had to spell it out for him. What a fucking moron.

"You can't pick up chicks in a tank." OH MY FUCKING GOD! THERE'S NO GIRLS FOR MILES…MAYBE LIGHT YEARS!

"You know what, you could bitch about anything, couldn't you. We're about to get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. WHAT CHICKS ARE WE GONNA PICK UP MAN! And secondly, how are we gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like THAT!"

"Well, what kind of car is it?" Good question, I raised the rifle back up.

"You know, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like…like a big cat of some kind."

"What like a puma?"

"Yeah man, there you go."

So the tank comes, but with it, there is this REALLY, REALLY annoying, and moronic, rookie named Caboose. So he starts talking about what he said to the dock workers back on the supply ship. "So I say to guy, 'How're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?' and he goes, 'I'll just put it and the ship.' And I go, 'If you got a ship that can carry tank…why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?'" Then Tucker says something very smart.

"Hey kid."

"Yeah?"

"You're ruining the moment. Shut up." Thank you, Tucker.

"Oh…ok, you got it man."

So I say, "You know what, I could blow the whole goddamn world in this thing."

Tucker then, still fixated on girls says, "You know what? Forget what I said, we can DEFINITELY pick up chicks in this thing." There's one seat, how're we gonna do that? "Probably two or three chicks apiece."

"Oh man, listen to you. What're YOU gonna do with two chicks."

"Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets." Ok, it was so obvious that this retard never had a girlfriend…or even a date. So I decided to try and get under his skin. It didn't really work out the way I planned.

"Yeah, I'll let you in on little secret. I, uh…I actually got a girl back home."

Tucker replied, "Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?"

I got embarrassed, a little, "No man. She's just my girlfriend. We were gonna get married…but I got shipped out, and…well, you know how it works."

"Well, you gonna marry her, when you get back?" That's when Caboose decided to open his mouth…and insert his foot.

"I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'" Now that pissed me off. He indirectly called my girlfriend a slut. But at the time, I misunderstood the analogy.

"Hey rookie, did you just call my girlfriend a cow?"

Tucker chimed in, "No, I think he called her a SLUT!" Once again, thank you, Tucker. This made my next decision very simple.

I decided to make his life miserable. I said, "I'll tell you what, noob. I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day," and kick his ass for it, "but as it turns out, I got much important job for you."

"Great."

"See, we've got this general…"

Tucker interrupts, "Right, the…general…guy…"

"…who likes to come around and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do, is go inside, and stand right at the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by."

"When is he coming by?"

Tucker shrugged, "We never know. Could be today, could be a week from now."

"You want me to stand at attention for a week?"

I then made a sarcastic remark to the rookie, for it was obvious that he was such a noob that he wouldn't get it, "You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag."

"What's so important about the flag?"

"Oh, come on, don't they teach you guys anything in training?"

"They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?"

"Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important."

Tucker was at loss for words, "Well, it's... it's complicated. Wuh... It's blue, we're blue."

I resumed the noob-hazing speech, "It's just important, okay, trust us. So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag." Tucker nodded in affirmation and I continued, "So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him."

Caboose started for the base, but then turned around and asked, "Uh how will I know when I see him?"

Tucker shot back, "There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us."

Now I was starting to get really pissed, so I yelled at him, "Now get in there, and don't come out!" After Caboose disappeared into the base, I turned to Tucker and said, "Man, that guy is dumber than you are."

Tucker, failing to make a decent comeback said, "You mean he's dumber than you are."

"Wow, Tucker. That was a great come-back."

Suddenly, Caboose appeared at the door. "Uh, Mister Church? Sir?"

Ok, now I was extremely pissed. "Oh my god. WHAT!" Then I told Tucker, "Tucker, I swear I'm gonna kill him."

"Sorry about calling your girl a slut..."

"ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY, GET IN THERE!"

Tucker started laughing and I immediately turned around, more pissed off than before, "Tucker, are you laughing at me?"

Then the rookie comes out again. Or at least I thought it was him. It was actually the Red's rookie, Donut. Apparently, Grif and Simmons sent him on a fool's errand of his own, something about "Elbow Grease," the type of thing only a complete moron would fall for. So he asks me, thinking that our base is the 'store', "Excuse me, sir. Can I ask you a question?"

Without turning around, I showed my anger verbally, "Dear God in Heaven, rookie. If I turn around, and you are NOT inside, I…I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you."

"Well, what'd I do?"

"ONE!"

"Aw, come on."

"TWO!"

"FINE!"

So, Tucker and I were oblivious to what was happening with the two noobs as we decided what to do with the tank. That's when we made an important discovery…neither of us could drive it. "Well, enough gabbing out of us. Let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in it, Tucker."

Tucker looked at me, "ME? I don't know how to drive that thing."

Ok, I was already annoyed as it was, "You're telling me you're NOT armor certified!"

"I ca- I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle. Don't you know how to drive that?"

"NO! HOLY CRAP! WHO IS RUNNING THIS ARMY!"

That's when Caboose decided to compound the situation even more. He runs out screaming, "HEY! Just wanted to let you know: the general stopped by and picked up the flag."

"YEAH! OK! WHATEVER MORON!" Then I turned back to Tucker, "Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing?" Then Caboose's words sunk in. "Wait a second. What did he just say?"

So anyway, we gather on top of the base where I ascertained what Caboose did with Donut, of course I didn't know it was Donut, because I didn't know who the fuck Donut was. "Let me get this straight. You gave this guy OUR FLAG."

Caboose, king of the retards, asked, "Is that bad?"

"Bad? Oh, no that's not 'bad', next time he comes over, WHY DON'T YOU HELP HIM BLOW THE WHOLE GODDAMN BASE!" I was flipping a bitch on his ass when Tucker saw Donut running towards by the cliffs.

"There. There he is."

I grabbed my sniper rifle, "Where?" Then I saw him. "Oh, yeah I got him. He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs."

Tucker juxtaposed, "He must be one smart son of a bitch." In reality, Donut said, "Man, I am so freaking lost. Where the hell is the base?"

Now at the time, we had only seen four Reds: Sarge in red, Grif in orange, Simmons in maroon, and Lopez in brown. Back then, Donut was wearing red armor in place of what he wears now…PINK! So, I thought it was Sarge.

"OH SHIT! Hey Tucker, look at his armor, it's RED."

"Oh man. That means it's their Sergeant," Tucker said with a hint of bitching.

So I guessed, incorrectly, how he got in. "Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defenses."

So Caboose said, "Y'know, he came in the back door where you guys were standing," and we ignored him.

Tucker says, "Right, let's take him out."

I took aim. "Roger that. Ok, say goodnight Sarge!" I let loose all four shots from the rifle…and they all missed. "Ah crap." Meanwhile, Tucker is staring at me. "What?"

"You're really not good with that thing, are you?"

Donut took this time to 'taunt' us. "Hey, IT'S ME. DON'T SHOOT! I'M THE GUY THAT BOUGHT THE FLAG, REMEMBER!"

"Oh, great. Now he's taunting us. This is just embarrassing," Tucker said. But now, I was finally ready to go bust some heads.

"ALRIGHT THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT! Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter and cut him off at the pass."

"Right," Caboose replied. That was easy enough.

"Tucker, you ready?" I asked, then not waiting for a reply said, "Let's go."

"There is no way I'm going through that thing." Oh, great. He's gonna bitch about something now while 'Sarge' runs away.

"Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter IF IT DOESN'T WORK!"

"I DON"T KNOW! Why would they give us a TANK that NO CAN DRIVE?"

"WE ALREADY TESTED THE TELEPORTER! REMEMBER!"

And cue the flashback. Ok, back when Captain Flowers was alive, I had just come in from Sidewinder, very important plot point later on. So I'm at the base, screaming across the canyon to Tucker, who at the time was still in regulation blue. We were bored and started throwing rocks through the teleporter.

"DID THEY COME OUT? TUCKER!"

"WHAT?"

"DID THEY COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE!"

"YEAH BUT THEY'RE ALL BLACK AND SMOKING. MAYBE YOU'VE GOT IT TURNED UP TO HIGH."

"WHAT'RE YOU TALKING 'BOUT? I DON'T SEE A KNOB OR ANYTHING ON THIS! HEY, THINK I COULD THROW A GRENADE THROUGH HERE?"

"WHAT! NO WAY, THAT WOULD NEVER WORK!"

And end scene.

"We threw rocks through it," he continued to bitch.

"And, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?" Which they did.

"Yeah, but they were all hot and covered in black stuff." Time to make a joke.

"Oh, so that's what this is all about then. You're afraid of a little black stuff." I didn't think he'd take it seriously.

"Yes, I am. I am afraid of black stuff." Wimp. Well, only one thing I can do.

"Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you," I said as I raised my gun.

He realized almost immediately, "You wouldn't…"

"You know I see it like this: Either A, (the smart idea) We go through there and get the flag back, or B, (the SMARTER idea) We stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win."

"For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren't people." Nice try, Tucker, but it's not gonna work.

"Duly noted. Now get in there!"

He sighed, "CRAP! Ok. 1…2…" He jumped through and Caboose and I watched the teleporter exit, waiting…and waiting…and waiting…and…

"Huh, he didn't come out the other side," Caboose said, stating the obvious.

So I swallowed hard and said, "Uh….yeah. I've…uh…I've decided I'm NOT gonna use the teleporter." So I ran off the base to get flag back personally, yelling back at Caboose, "Ok, rookie. You stay here, I'll be back with the flag."

So I catch up to Donut at the teleporter pad and scream, "FREEZE!"

The little baby cries to me, "Hey, why were you shooting at me? You could've hit me dick!" I wasn't in the mood for it.

"CAN IT! Don't try and play stupid with me, Sarge. I know who you are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now."

So he says, "I just got here two HOURS ago. And I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private." So I realized, this guy was telling the truth. No Southern accent, no undying need to shoot any thing blue, and certainly not the extreme hatred of Grif that I've come to know and hate.

"Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, that's what I just said."

"Well, then how did you manage to steal our flag?" I was in the mood for an explanation, but I wouldn't get one.

"Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking-."

"THREE!" At that very second, a black-clad soldier just miraculously appeared out of nowhere.

Both Donut and I freaked.

"JESUS!"

"HOLY SHIT! WHO IS THIS GUY!"

So I'm flipping out, when I realize, "What in the hell! TUCKER! Is that you?"

"How did you get up here ahead of me?" Yep, It's Tucker.

Donut chimes in, "And what's with that black shit on your armor?"

He faces Donut and says, "HEY! FREEZE SARGE!"

So Donut starts to get pissed, "Would you stop calling me Sergeant! I'M STILL JUST A PRIVATE!" That's when Tucker suffered a severe brain lapse.

"The Sarge is still a private! OH…MY…GOD! The teleporter sent me back in time." So he turned to me, saying,

"Look, I know that you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Sometime in your future, I get stationed here in Blood Gulch and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to Sergeant in the Red Army and we spy on them. And then one day, they get a jeep, and I'm like 'There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!'"

I stared at him, mouth gaping. Tucker just relived the last 3 weeks in 30 seconds. Hell he said it wrong. He and Captain Flowers were here first. I came after…well more on that later. So I said, "Tucker…WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT!"

"I know all this sounds crazy, but one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted."

Donut offers a hypothesis, "IS THIS GUY A RETARD!" Donut, now that I know you both better, I can say this. Yes, Tucker is a fucking retard. But, back then, I didn't care what you said.

"RED! Shut up. TUCKER! Listen to me." Now as I'm talking, this really crappy, Latin-Polka mix music starts playing and getting louder. "You haven't gone back in time, ok? This IS the guy who took the flag. He's just not their Sergeant. Turns out, he's just some dumb ROOKIE who happens to have the same color armor as him." Ok, now the music is so fucking loud, I can't ignore it. "We got in somehow, just….FOR GOD'S SAKE! WHAT IS THE MUSIC!" Suddenly, the Red's jeep, the 'Warthog' as Sarge calls it, comes bounding over a ridge right next to us.

"WHOO HOO!" Grif screamed as he drove the jeep over the ridge

"HOLY SHIT!" Tucker screamed

"SON OF A BITCH! RUN! JESUS RUN!"

"THE JEEP FOLLOWED ME BACK IN TIME!"

So then, Simmons, who was at gunner, starts firing at us. Eventually, we hide behind a rock. "Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run out of bullets sometime. Little did we know what Caboose was doing back at the base, "Oh man. That's not good…Oh my God that jeep has a really big gun." He paused, then pondered his only two options. "Stay here…tank…stay here…tank…ah, screw it." So he turned around, jumped off the base…and ran up to the tank.