A teenager named Rosalyn stirred in a bed as the lights turned on.
"Calvin, is that you?" she asked the six year old she was babysitting.
Calvin walked in holding a baseball bat. Snoring loudly, he ran in and started hitting Rosalyn senselessly.
After a few moments of pain, Rosalyn grabbed the bat, hurled it to the side, and grabbed the still snoring Calvin by the collar.
"How can that little creep assault me when he's asleep?" she asked aloud.
"By pretending to be asleep! Phase one, complete." Calvin thought as he was carried to his bed
A couple hours later…
"Okay Hobbes!" Calvin debriefed. "We have until 3 pm until Rosalyn leaves. Meaning we have ten hours to run Operation Triple X!"
"Wow!" Hobbes whistled. "Operation Triple X in only ten hours? But we can't do it. We need…"
"Whatever it is," Calvin boasted. "I'll find it! Now, she's asleep now, so we can…"
"You know where to find an army of elephants and a crazy old bum?" Hobbes questioned.
"So we slightly alter phases 3 and 34!" Calvin snapped. "So what?"
After a few hours of senseless toil...
"All the traps are set!" Calvin said. "Now go upstairs and await the signal."
"Got it." Hobbes said as he held up a walky-talky. "Just give me orders over the walky-talky."
"Great." Calvin said before sending something by walky-talky. "Now! I've added a final phase! Basically, you do my homework, buy me candy, and act as a slave for the rest of your life. Now get at it!"
Calvin didn't even have time to scream before our favorite tiger pounded him.
"If you want, we can skip a phase!" Calvin sobbed
After a fight between a possibly imaginary stuffed tiger and a hyperactive six year old and the setting of hundreds of booby-traps…
"I'm in position! We're ready start phase 2!" Hobbes said over the walky-talky.
Calvin dialed the phone. "Help! Dogs are taking over the world from a secret lab hidden in my backyard!"
Calvin hung up. "Hobbes, put the baseball bat in Mom and Dad's room, then head to the window and await the signal."
"I wonder if the CIA's hiring six year olds!" he thought.
Phase 2…
"There it is!" Hobbes told Calvin as the signal appeared.
"Good. Head for the bathroom."
Calvin snuck slowly into the room with a roll of duct tape. He ripped of a piece and put it in her hair. Calvin softly patted it to her head and then ripped it loudly.
Rosalyn woke up screaming. She saw the tape holding her hair. "You are done for!"
"She took the bait!" Calvin thought as he ran out the room, down the stairs, and into the kitchen.
The door rang. Rosalyn stopped to answer the door. Little did she know, Calvin had booby-trapped the door, as it opened, a bucket of sour milk fell on Rosalyn's head.
"Hello, I'm officer Mowat!" A cop said as the door opened. "We were called about a possible… Why are you wearing a bucket?"
"Why are you here?" Rosalyn said as she took off the bucket
"We got a very weird call…" Mowat started before Calvin ran by and hit Rosalyn with a water balloon filled with flour.
"Direct hit!"
Rosalyn shrieked as Calvin ran upstairs into the bathroom.
"Say," Mowat said as he left. "Isn't that the noodle incident kid?"
"FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M INNOCENT, I'M INNOCENT I TELL YA!" Calvin called back before entering.
Phase 3…
"Hobbes!" Calvin said as he slid around on the floor. "Get ready for phase 3
"How'd you replace the elephant army that was going to trample her on the stairs." Hobbes asked curiously.
"I'll show you!" Calvin said. He opened the shower curtain to reveal an army of water balloons in the bathtub. "Head to the bedroom closet and get the bait for Phase 4."
"Roger that!" Hobbes confirmed
Calvin and Hobbes burst through the door, Calvin clutching a few balloons.
As Hobbes ran, Calvin bombarded Rosalyn with each while she ascended the stairs, and then went back in the bathroom. He'd greased the floor with oily substances. Calvin slid to the side opposite the bathtub, as Rosalyn came in, slipping and sliding. Calvin tackled the unbalanced teen into the bathtub.
"Kid, has anyone ever told you that you have a death wish?" Rosalyn sputtered.
"Yes!" Calvin said as he ran away. "Hobbes, you, Mom, Dad, Susie Derkins, Moe the class bully, my teacher Ms. Wormwood, Ronald, Candace, Thomas … Mr. Spittle probably will when the cops let him out… That reminds me… the cops said it once or twice …"
Phase 4…
Calvin ran into his room and grabbed a rope connect to a bucket filled with "special water balloons" that was above the door. He walked in front of the door to see a steaming mad teenager.
"Calvin, what is with the rope?" She asked.
Calvin chuckled. "Come here and see, if you dare."
"Do you really think I'm that stupid?" Rosalyn stated.
"Very well!" Calvin laughed. "Now Hobbes, the bait!"
Rosalyn heard a match strike. Suddenly, she turned to find a stuffed animal next to a gigantic and lit firework covered with whipped cream
The firework started as Calvin pulled the rope and looked for cover. As the firework struck Rosalyn and knocked her into the falling waterballoons, which had been filled with honey. She screamed as the firecracker exploded on her and splattered her with cream, causing her to stumble out of the house and into a tree.
Calvin laughed and walked to the window. There was a bed sheet rope hanging loose. Calvin took it and strolled to the bed, where he wrapped it around the bedpost and to a remaining water balloon.
"Hobbes, help me with this." Calvin said, as he tied the rope to the doorknob also.
Hobbes complied. "This'll hurt."
Phase 5…
Rosalyn slowly got out of the tree. That kid had gone too far this time. She walked out to the window and saw a rope made up of Bed sheets. Rosalyn took the rope and pulled as hard as she could. It was secure.
She leaped up and began scaling the wall. It was hard work. But the door was probably booby-trapped again. About a meter away, she saw Calvin's stuffed tiger looking at her.
"Now! Hobbes! Now!" Calvin roared as he ran to the window with the honey-filled balloons that hadn't popped. Rosalyn screamed as she fell to the ground.
Slowly, Rosalyn stood up. She quickly sprinted into the house, narrowly avoiding a field of stink bombs. She entered the house and watched Calvin run for his parent's room.
"Fifty bucks plus bonus. Fifty bucks plus bonus." Rosalyn repeated in order to keep from going insane.
Phase 6…
"Calvin, are you nuts? You almost got her killed!" Hobbes said.
"She'll be okay!" Calvin said simply. "Head downstairs."
Hobbes almost argued, but refrained. As Hobbes ran downstairs, Calvin ran into his parent's room. On the bed were paint-filled balloons and the bat. Calvin grabbed the bat and as Rosalyn entered, he threw a balloon in the air and swung.
"Bad idea!" Calvin thought as he missed the paint balloon and it splashed all over him and the bed.
Seeing her chance, Rosalyn tackled Calvin to the ground.
"Hobbes! I've been captured!" Calvin said through the walky-talky. "Evacuate all phases."
Rosalyn began to carry Calvin out of the room. Calvin sank his fingernails into the carpet and struggled to escape whatever fate Rosalyn had planned.
"It was Hobbes idea!" Calvin screamed as he realized that he would fail. "I swear!"
As Calvin's parents returned…
"Hi Rosalyn." Calvin's mom said as she entered to find a bruised, food-covered, balding, and mad Rosalyn.
Rosalyn stared at her murderously.
"Here's the fifty bucks we owe you!" Calvin's dad said desperately.
Rosalyn continued to stare.
"Give her extra!" Calvin's mom whispered.
"And…" Calvin's dad said as he emptied his wallet. "$39.43 extra!"
Rosalyn continued staring.
"What more do you want from me?" Calvin dad screamed exhausted.
"Write this down!" Rosalyn stated.
Calvin's mom took a quick look around. "Where is Calvin anyway?"
"I tied him up safely in the closet" Rosalyn growled. "Now pay me, and I'll go get the key to get in."
"Isn't that a bit drastic?" Calvin's dad asked.
Rosalyn pointed to a pile of dismantled booby-traps the size of her. "Pay me!"
Calvin's bedtime…
"Hobbes!" Calvin said as he changed into his pajamas. "My parents sure were mad!"
"Yes!" Hobbes grunted.
"I can't believe she tied us up though!" Calvin continued. "I think that may count as child abuse!"
"Well, I think they decided that if your parents don't sue her, she won't sue them!" Hobbes grunted.
"What's eating you? Calvin asked.
"You always pin me for your crimes!"
"Well, they never buy it!"
The end