What Hurts The Most
Hello everybody! Sorry it took so long for me to update this story but here's the next installment. I hope that you enjoy it.I will update "I don't want to miss a thing" after this so wait for that and I submitted a one-shot, "Swan's Song" it very depressing but I thought it was really good. So go read more of my works!
Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans. The song that inspired this chapter is What Hurts The Most by Rascall Flats
A small bank light was turned on with a pull on a chain. It illuminated the papers around it on a desk. Pictures of villains, reports of crimes, newspaper clippings and a single picture of a team of teens in a picture frame decorated the desk. A chair was pulled away from the desk and a figure sat down and wheeled it back to the desk. Hands shuffled the papers. Some where picked up and looked over by masked eyes and put back down. Elbows were raised up to the table as he put his head into his hands.
It had been eight months since she had left, eight months since his reason had left. She was his reason to live, to laugh, to enjoy life, but know his life was so monotonous and routine. His outlook turned dark, like the clouds in the skies. He was always sighing, wondering if she had found someone to take to Spain, he fought hard but he had no one to smile and congratulate him on his skills, that had always been her forte. Eight months of solitude and bleakness.
He raised his head and looked towards the ceiling. His whole room was dark, papers covering the paint from the walls and what could be seen was a dark blue paint, the curtains were drawn and his bed made neatly. He had spent a lot of time in here but hadn't paid much attention to the darkness in his room, that or he didn't care. He figured it was just a latter of both.
He could hear the windows rattling. He walked over to the window and pulled the curtains open, something he did very rarely now. Torrents of rain continued hitting the pane as he looked past then into the horizon where he had last seen his Starfire. Gray clouds hid the silver moon and golden stars from view but replaced them with bolts of lightning and roars of thunder. The ocean was so dark and violent, crashing into the rocks below the tower as the rain pelted any object that withstood it. Car lights could still be seen off in the edge of the city as they drove cautiously on the slippery pavement. The trees were lifeless and the flowers hidden until spring.
"Where are you? I need you so much Starfire." He wondered aloud "I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house that doesn't bother me. I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out. I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while. I know men aren't suppose to, but then again men aren't suppose to jump of ten story buildings and land gracefully unharmed, or be trained in dozens of different martial arts and fight crime in a costume. But going on with you gone still upsets me, it's so hard to do. I try so hard yet there are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok just so that the team doesn't pay too much attention to me and question me." He put his gloved hand on the window and felt the coldness through that fabric as he spoke quietly out into the world hoping that she would hear him.
"But that's not what gets me Star, it's not that your gone, or that I'm alone. What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away. Never knowing what could have been and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do all these years that I have been with you. Every time you were close I could feel my stomach churn and my heart lighten, I never knew it was love until now." His eyes looked into the skyline yellow lights creating a silhouette of skyscrapers in the distant darkness.
This was the city he swore to protect with his team. But he hadn't protected his team. He thought that keeping his truths away from Starfire was protecting her, but as he found out that night, it only drove her away.
A white frost covered the window around his hand. Mist formed at his lips when he breathed. As he dragged his fingers down from the glass his gloves wiped away the frost only so more ice could heal over the openings. He stood up and walked back to his desk. He was aching inside and nothing could stop the pain, not the files, or the criminals, or even the happy faces of the citizens he saved, nothing. Not even practice and when he was alone, like nights like these, solitude settled into his soul and he was forced to remember why he was so alone.
Glanced at the picture on his desk. Her smile was so radiant, her eyes so kind, he hair fiery. Everything about her was so perfect, she was always so happy, so gentle and yet so strong. She could always find the silver lining, only to her it was more like platinum, everything to her would turn out fine it almost seemed that nothing could get her down. Except that there was something that pushed her down. It was him, he had broken her when he thought her unbreakable, had damaged her heart after continuous neglect, he had stained something so pure and innocent and had managed to transform an alien creature into a human monster. He had made her look at the dark side of things, made her smile less radiant, her eyes more somber and her hair dimmer. He had taken a rose bud and made it wilt before it fully blossomed.
He knew everything she went through was because of him. he hadn't nurtured her enough, hadn't shown his love to her. He wasn't even there when she needed a shoulder to cry on. He should have been around her more often, should have helped her, loved her more. Now he was in his room, darkness around him, as he looked through files alone. Alone. He was used to being alone after all Bruce wasn't exactly nurturing either. He was sure his family loved him a lot but he couldn't remember them as well as he used to, just snapshots of their horrified faces as the fell to their deaths. He couldn't remember his mother's hugs, or his father's smiles. He was always so alone at Wayne Manor. He was too rich to play with normal kids, and when he became Robin all his free time was spent training. Then the Titans formed and it seemed that Starfire made it her job that he was never alone when he needed someone. She was always around and willing to help him when he needed it. Now she wasn't here, she left him with no one to help him through her absence. He had companionship and now he didn't. He wanted to say that he had been ripped away from him, but he knew in the back of his mind that he had pushed her away. He wanted her, no, he needed her.
He pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. In neat elongated letters he began to write. In the past eight months whenever he needed to talk to her he wrote notes to her and put them in a shoe box in the back of his closet. He resolved that he would eventually just burn them when his box got full enough, but he know had three boxes with scraps of papers and couldn't seem to get rid of them. they were to show him how desperate he was becoming to have her near him.
He began to write onto a paper that would join the more notes in a shoe box. As he wrote her name he stopped in the middle. It didn't seem right to him. Not at this precise moment. Writing couldn't capture everything he felt, one piece of paper and pen wouldn't be enough to rid himself of these feelings. It was like they were making him feel everything whether he wanted to or not. He stood up from his desk and went to sit down on the foot of his bed looking out the window into the stormy night.
"Starfire come back." He whispered to the horizon. "You don't know how hard it's been without you. It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go but I'm doin' it. I don't know how but I am, just barely. It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone. They were upset after you left but they just figured that it was for the best, that they were happy for you if you were happy. Sure there are times when they say 'I wish Starfire was here' or something like that but all I have to just say 'yeah so do I' and put a front up because they don't need to see me like I am now, they can't. what kind of leader would I be to them, what respect would I have from them if they say me right now." He raised his gloved hands to his face and removed his mask. He felt the cold air nip at the exposed skin, his eyelids opened to reveal icy blue depths. Dropping his mask to the floor he put his head into his hands and looked at the floor.
"That's not the hardest thing to do everyday. I put up a front all the time, I was trained to not show emotions so faking them is not hard for me. What is harder is getting up knowing that you wont be in the kitchen waiting for me with breakfast served. Getting dressed has become so tiring as if my limbs had lead in them. Living with this regret is what hurts me the most of all those things. I regret loosing you, loosing your love. But I know if I could do it over Starfire, I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken and scream from the top of my lungs to tell you how much you mean to me. I would, I swear I would, I would tell you every day that you are the reason my rest is so restful and every night that you are the reason I wake up every morning. I would never neglect you again Star, but now it's too late and your not here to give me a second chance." He blinked back tears as he spoke to himself, but couldn't stop them. solitary tears fell to the floor and were soaked into the carpet.
He sat down on the floor in front of the window watching as the clouds dispelled their moisture. Watching as the clouds seemed to get angrier each passing moment of solitude, the water hitting his window with extreme force. It almost made it seem that they were angry at him. heck, he was angry at himself it was only natural for mother nature to be angry at him. he destroyed her belief in that there was a silver lining, now when she looks at clouds that's all she sees, clouds. Not the fluffy white bunnies, or the ones that looked like flowers or even people kissing, she saw clouds and it was all his fault.
He had to have her again, he had to do something to make believe again. To make her hope that there was more to the world than darkness, that there was light. He had to make her hope that he was more than just Robin, that underneath the mask and costume he was Richard John Grayson, he was a person. He had to make her hope that she could bring Dick's emotions out and make him one person, not two separate entities. He need her to make him hope, make him hope that someday he would be good enough for her.
He looked up at his desk were he had left the paper and pen and looked toward the closet where the shoe boxes were. He couldn't write one more letter, he just couldn't. It would never be enough and she would never get to read them and that's not what he wanted, not what he needed. He needed her to read them and to forgive him for what she had become. He needed for her to hear him and see how full of regret he was. He had to make it up to her. Or at least to see her emerald eyes one more time, to see her smile, to smell her scent, to feel her silken hair, to touch her tender skin, to hear her sweet voice.
He was broken and she was the only one that could mend him. He reached for his mask that was laying next to him, wiping his eyes he put it on and stood up. He opened his closet and took out a pair of denim jean, black long sleeve cable-knit shirt, a pair of boots, a leather jacket and the shoe boxes. He placed them all on his bed and changed into them. He emptied out the boxes and put them in his backpack. Swinging the backpack over his shoulder he headed out the door.
On his way to the elevator he passed Starfire's room. He looked at the name plate still on the door. He refused to remove it or even touch anything that was in that room. Her uniform, arm bands, and communicator were still were she left them that night. He walked over to it and opened the door a crack. He looked inside, the bed was still neatly made, the purple curtains open, the dresser full of pictures, the air still slightly smelled of lavender. He closed it and walked away. As he turned around he was met with a pair of amethyst eyes.
"Where are you going?" Raven asked as she noticed what he was wearing.
"To love her." He responded.
Raven could help but smile. He had finally come to his senses and wasn't going to put barriers between his love for Starfire. She brought him into a hug but let go quickly.
"Just make sure that you tell her we love her too." With that she left him and walked back to her room.
He walked to the elevator and waited for the elevator to come down. He walked in and pressed the button that lead to the garage. The garage was dark and dank. As he flipped on the light switch all the different vehicles came into view, at the very end was his bike. He walked over to it, swung his legs over it and turned the ignition on. He sat there listening the engine. He was leaving to find his reason, his hope and his love.
He opened the door of the garage and looked out into the darkness. He revved up his bike and sped into the raging storm. The torrents of rain attacked him as he rode through the city, past the shore, past the park, past the skyscrapers and into the storm. He was going to find her no matter what it took, He was going to tell her what he felt no matter what stood in his way. He was going to love her forever.
Please review!
Love,
Josy