Author's Notes: Jeez, I need to lay off the crack… Glad you all enjoyed the last chapter, though! I think I equally enjoyed reading your reviews; you all cracked me up! There seems to be a few people who want NejiIno to be included in this story – well, I'll see what I can do! I won't guarantee anything, of course… (smiles mysteriously)

Featured Pairings: TemaShikaIno, KibaIno, one-sided InoNeji, and SasuHina!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Dedications: I dedicate this chapter to one of the most intelligent people I have ever had the pleasure of befriending. Lots of love goes out to the one and only Mizura (Heronite on LJ)! She's so amazing, and the amount of advice and wisdom she has shared with me over the time we've known each other is astounding. Thanks for being so awesome!

And Baby Makes Three?

Chapter 4: Ino's Solutions

In the two months that Uchiha Sasuke and Hyuuga Hinata had been married, Konoha had never appeared happier. The news of the sole survivor of the Uchiha clan (with the exception of the One-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-For-a-While) tying the knot with the heiress of the most noble Hyuuga clan seemed to put the humble village at peace. Despite the ways Sasuke had gone astray, and the ways in which Hinata had failed repeatedly at certain tasks, the village's inhabitants couldn't have been more elated at the prospect that the two members from very elite clans had gotten hitched.

But of course, it was only an ideal world in which everyone could be content, and Konoha was far from perfect.

In fact, one could say that a certain Yamanaka was one of the most miserable inhabitants of the village these days.

No, it wasn't because her beloved Sasuke-kun had gotten hitched to someone else. Unlike Sakura, Ino had accepted the fact that Sasuke loved Hinata a long time ago. Like any sensible girl would, she had moved on (especially after she'd caught the bouquet of assorted flowers at the wedding – of course she'd be the next one to get married!).

No one told her that moving on would be increasingly tough, though.

Sasuke and Hinata's wedding had truly opened Ino's eyes to the way love should really be. Love wasn't a silly, one-sided thing that you fought ex-friends for, she learned. It was something so tender and beautiful and precious – something she wanted to feel for herself.

She too wanted to experience the joys of falling in love (as Hinata had), but found it rather difficult to find her 'special' one. As a victim to the woes of bad fanfiction writers shipping her with every single hot bishounen around (unbeknownst to her), she found herself being a lot more open to the guys around her.

Thus, Ino became even more boy-crazy that she'd ever been before.

It'd started subtle, at first – or as 'subtle' as it could have been. Shortly after Sasuke and Hinata's wedding, she found herself clinging (rather uncharacteristically, might we add) to Shikamaru's left arm. Never mind that she had never before in her life felt any sort of attraction toward him; in her eyes, love was love. If she was destined to be with Shikamaru, of all people, love would find a way to tell her!

Shikamaru wasn't too pleased about Ino's new attitude, but really, what could he do? If she wasn't troublesome before, she was certainly problematic now. If she wasn't screaming at him to straighten up whenever they went out on 'dates' (said events usually consisted of Ino dragging her new 'boyfriend' out to numerous places – who cared if it wasn't exactly mutual?), she was trying to kiss him or do things that he had no intention of doing until he felt old enough to get married.

Poor Ino, though – she wanted to get settled down right away! She had no idea that love took time and that you simply couldn't force a person to fall in love with you.

She learned this the hard way, naturally. Soon enough, she wasn't the only one clinging to Shikamaru – a certain kunoichi from the Suna village was, too.

Temari had no idea what it was that attracted her to Shikamaru's right side, but she was growing increasingly annoyed at the way several townspeople (mostly of the male species) would stop in their tracks and watch the unusual trio walk down the road, hooting infuriating comments like "What a pimp!" or "Playa, playa!".

She wanted absolutely nothing to do with this lazy ass and his loud teammate, for Christ's sake! Forget that he was a bit of a cutie if she squinted her eyes a little – this was far too degrading for a proud kunoichi like her!

Fortunately, though, this shipping frenzy was to be a short-lived one. Ino found her arm mysteriously detached from her comrade's arm a few weeks after this strange trend had started. She made up her mind that Shikamaru just wasn't the one for her – and with that, she went for someone else.

…Inuzuka Kiba was no charming prince, truth be told, but he sure had gotten fucking luscious these last few years.

This time, the 'love' appeared to be mutual – Kiba allowed her to kiss and cling to him whenever she wanted to, and she let him put his arm around her waist and tell her cute jokes whenever he felt like it. To Ino, it wasn't exactly love yet – it was more of an intense like for someone that was mutual, thank God, but not as strong as she wanted it to be. The day they began to date was one of the happiest days in Ino's life, but being the headstrong, arrogant girl she was, she refused to let her new boyfriend know that.

All was good for a while, but there was just one small problem.

Kiba had always been a jerk to her. He still was one, too.

…Hmm. Maybe we should say Ino just wasn't the type to take some jokes lightly.

…Or maybe Kiba just wasn't that considerate. After all, making jokes about your girlfriend's virginity (or lack thereof) is certainly more than enough to get her infuriated with you. It was also enough to get you arrested, apparently.

Presently (as in a few hours after the initiation of Sakura's SRP), Kiba scowled. The two had been walking by the marketplace after a few hours of shopping (okay, so the blonde had been the only one picking items out – Kiba had been the one stuck with the purchasing and the carrying of said items), arguing at the top of their lungs as usual, when an officer approached them. It was fairly obvious that the man seemed to be making eyes at Ino (much to the dog-nin's dismay), which provided a justifiable explanation as to why he immediately began to berate Kiba – and Kiba alone – for causing a ruckus in a public area.

The Inuzuka wasn't too pleased. "Look, jerk. I don't like the way you're lookin' at my-"

The officer paid no mind to him. In attempt to be suave, he slung a burly arm over the slender kunoichi's shoulder and asked in a husky, Midwestern voice, "Is this man botherin' you, lil' lady? I've been noticin' the two of y'all arguin' for a while now. If he's harrasin' ya, I'll be sure to cart 'im off to the jail cell he belongs."

Ino considered her options and decided to let the cop to put his arm around her, thoroughly enjoying the way Kiba's cheeks flushed red with outrage. She certainly wasn't all too happy with her boyfriend right now, to tell the truth. The asshole had said it was obvious that she wasn't a virgin anymore, after all! And what was with the "You don't exactly look like a virgin, heh" comment?! She didn't LOOK like a virgin?! What the HELL did she look like, then?! He'd better have not been thinking about any wh-words, that was for sure… "Actually, Officer," she started, smiling at the way Kiba hurriedly began to shake his head 'no' to the cop's question, "this man has been making me feel very unsafe. He's been making inappropriate comments about my body this entire time. I don't even know him!"

"WHAT?!"

"I thought I told you to shut up!" The officer used his free hand to reveal the taser hidden inside his pocket. "Don't think I won't use this, mister-"

"Like HELL you will!" Kiba roared, dropping Ino's purchases and balling his hands into fists readily. Wait a second. "You never even TOLD me to shut up!"

"Well, I'm tellin' ya now! SHUT UP!"

Kiba disregarded his command and turned to his only hope, having been forced to resort to groveling and begging for forgiveness and compassion. "C'mon, Ino, I was only kiddin' witcha-"

She pretended to sniff in despondence, resting her head against the man's chest and fighting off the urge to wrinkle her nose in repulsion. Phew, did he smell… "I'm sorry, Kiba, but I think you need to learn your lesson. We're through. Take him away, Officer."

"I rightly will, ma'am," he replied at the dismissing (he carefully decided not to pay attention to the fact that she'd somehow known the name of the guy she claimed she didn't even know), detaching himself from her in order to take his handcuffs out from his other pocket. He stepped behind a distraught Kiba and grabbed his hands, handcuffing him quickly and effectively. "Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, yada, yada, yada, you know the rest," he muttered, happy to have caught a wrongdoer for the day (no one knows this, but a police's job can get very boring when you can't abuse your powers at least once a day). "Now git!"

"'Git' where?!"

"Git goin'!"

Kiba glared at the person from whom the feminine voice had come from, not exactly appreciating the way she waved and blew several kisses at him in triumph. He was led away, murmuring various obscenities under his breath as he went. Fuckin' Ino, always trying to act cute when she didn't need to… He hadn't even dropped the wh-bomb (yet)! Fuckin' Hana, always advising him to let Akamaru stay at home whenever he went on dates with his volatile girlfriend (oh, yeah. That's right – ex-girlfriend. She'd just said that they were through – it was the third time in two days that they'd broken up!). His oldest pal might've been able to save him from this shitty situation… Fuckin' police brutality…

Ino grinned as the dog-nin and his captor disappeared amongst the throng of patrons. She'd bail him out later, but that was unimportant at the moment. Now that she was a free woman once more, it was time to do something liberating. Being single again didn't deter her happiness; it only made her more determined to find her true love! He was out there somewhere, and she would stop at nothing to find him! YOSH!

That's right, readers! Ino had turned into a lurvesick version of Rock Lee!

Konoha's Tila Tequila (the authoress recommends that you Google search her when you have the chance – just make sure your parents and/or bosses aren't in clear view! NSFW!) was soon strutting down the streets of Konoha once again, head raised high, new purchases in grasp, and feeling more positive than she'd ever felt since Sasuke had gotten married to Hinata. Making a mental note in her head not to ever use a dorky phrase like 'YOSH!' again, she searched high and low (and above, behind, and under) for her one true love.

It didn't take long before that strange magnetism began again. Ino found herself clinging to the arm of her unique, her flawless, her incomparable, her absolutely-positively-supercalifragalisticespealidociously consummate…

…Hyuuga.

That's right. Ino believed that love, after all these years of messing around with her heart and emotions, had directed her to the strong, supportive arm of Hyuuga Neji. Never mind that he was actually here at the marketplace to look for some hair relaxer and quality shampoo; Ino was convinced that Neji was hers, and hers alone!

The Branch House occupant wasn't all too pleased to note the newest addition to his arm. In fact, he was beginning to wonder why exactly Ino was always so bent on irritating the hell out of him. Had Fate destined her to be an eternal menace to him and his peace? "Get off of me."

"You can't speak to your future wife like that, sweetie," replied Ino dotingly. Instead of heeding his wishes, she found herself leaning her head against his warm, inviting chest…

…Only to be pushed rudely away by an irked Neji. His opaque eyes narrowed menacingly, giving his 'future wife' the impression that he really wasn't in the mood for flirting. "Ino. I'm serious."

"Pfft; you think I'm not?"

"Yes."

Ino giggled. Her future husband could be so silly sometimes! It was evident that she'd forgotten all about Kiba as she continued to keep herself glued to Neji's lean, fit figure. "Darling, I'm as serious as you are. Now, I was thinking of names for our first child… I'm hoping it'll be a boy, so we could name him Nino… or maybe Inoji… or maybe Ninoji… But of course, the conceiving part's the most fun, hee, hee…"

Neji only grew more turned off as the seconds whittled by. This girl was absolutely disgusting. "That's it, Ino. Get off." He pried her lithe fingers away from his clothes, straightened himself, and prepared to return home. Thanks to this no-good, second-rate kunoichi and her puerile desires, his whole shopping excursion was ruined.

Ino followed him in desperation, not understanding where exactly her plan had gone wrong. (Hell, did she even have one?) "You can't leave me, Neji. You know you can't resist all this… Don't ignore your love for me!"

"Watch me."

She began to fume. That ungrateful bastard! Here she was, offering her gorgeous, appealing body to him…and he was rejecting her AGAIN?! She ignored the several other men eying her lecherously from a distance and recomposed herself. She was beginning to think that Neji had somehow been dropped on the head as an infant. Tugging demandingly on his sleeve again, Yamanaka Ino made her next comment as bitchy and haughty as she possibly could. "Stop acting like sex with me wouldn't be the best thing you've ever experienced."

"I want nothing to do with whores."

STOP.

"IT'S THE MOTHERFUCKING REMIX-" someone who sounded eerily like Lil' Jon yelled, but was promptly hit over the head with a hard piece of bread and rendered unconscious.

Ino stood still. Her smooth cheeks instantaneously colored as little puffs of steam blew out of her ears. That asshole had just used the wh-word with her! She wasn't just mad – hell, she was fucking miffed. "…You'd better watch your mouth, you prick."

There was a cruel, one-sided sneer plastered on Neji's face now. "There's no need to be ashamed of the truth, Ino. We all know."

"Shut up," she sniffed indignantly, although she knew, in the deepest part of her heart, that he was right. Yeah, she was a ho…but there was absolutely no need for anyone to tease her about it! Damn, was the world full of inconsiderate jackasses… She took a look at her watch. "I'm going home."

Neji was taken aback by the strange turn of events. He was half-expecting her to blow up at him, or at least break into an unnecessary round of tears… Truth be told, he didn't want her to leave just yet – he wasn't finished making fun of her. "What?"

"Not like you'd care, but I need to check my MySpace for new comments."

…Yes, readers. Ino was a whore (and she was well aware of it), but she was no ordinary whore.

She was a MySpace whore!

Yep. Each and every second the kunoichi had at home was now dedicated to pimping out her MySpace page, making bulletins every half-hour, blogging, adding new friends, e-flirting with various internet buddies, applying to various trains, changing her page's music, and adding hot and slightly revealing pictures of herself to her page (one thing was for certain: Ino had never had a case of the angles, and she was damn proud of the fact).

Neji was left with his mouth left uncharacteristically agape as the blonde stalked home, presumably to change her relationship status back to 'Single' on her MySpace page. This day was most definitely becoming stranger by the minute…

Fate must have been thinking, Oh, you ain't seen nothin' yet, buddy, though, for at that moment, a certain pink-haired buddy of Ino's sped right past the Hyuuga, arms full of various witchcraft items.

Neji blinked twice, and decided that ever since his cousin had gotten married to Uchiha Sasuke, the village had literally gone to the dogs. He turned on his heel and proceeded to leave the marketplace, seemingly headed back towards the Hyuuga compound for a well-deserved nap. He needed it, after all… this, of course, was only happening because of his lack of sleep the night before…

Sadly, in his rush to escape the lunacy of the outside world, Neji forgot to do one important thing: he'd neglected to purchase his hair products.

…It was really going to bite him in the ass in the near future.

In other news…

Our favorite couple had since entered the hospital. Sasuke had deposited his wife in the first chair he'd found and left her to seek out the Hokage. It wasn't long before a nurse, arms full of medical forms she needed Sasuke to fill out, approached him and told him that Tsunade was currently wrapped up in another emergency. "Is it possible to wait another thirty minutes? Unless it's urgent, of course…"

"Another thirty minutes?" he repeated. Sasuke motioned towards his spouse, who was now sinking back into her chair, eyes closed and porcelain skin paling at a rapid rate. "Does this not look urgent to you?"

The nurse stared at Hinata's listless form fleetingly before returning back to Sasuke. A second later, her nose scrunched up in obvious recognition of the malodorous stench coming from his pajama pants. "She just looks like she didn't sleep all too well last night, and I can see why," she answered. "Now, sir, if you needed a bathroom that urgently, I'm sure you could have at least spared your wife the embarrassment. Aren't there bushes around your house at all?"

Sasuke took a long look at her before realizing what she was insinuating. "ARGH!"

"Well," the nurse continued, turning back to eye the pallid ex-Hyuuga, "if you really are that concerned about her, I've a couple of pregnancy tests in the back-"

"Where the hell are you getting all this from? She's NOT pregnant!"

The nurse raised a slim eyebrow. "Sir, if I remember correctly… the reason why you had her admitted was because you feared she had certain symptoms, right?" Without waiting for a response, she reached into her pocket and revealed a small item from it. She handed it to a befuddled Sasuke. "You're lucky I always have one on hand. I doubt there's anything seriously wrong with her, but it can't help to check, right?" She gave him a friendly pat on the back and turned around, getting ready to return back to her regular duties. "Good luck!"

Sasuke wondered just why the woman always had a spare pregnancy test with her, but decided it was probably safer not to even ask. He headed back to where Hinata lay, kneeling beside her. "Hinata, wake up."

She slowly obliged, pale eyes fluttering open to gaze into the concerned ones of her husband. Soon they were focused on the object Sasuke was pressing into her hands. "Wh-What…?" she mumbled blearily, not quite understanding. "No… I thought I was supposed to just get a check-up…" What kind of nurse automatically assumed you were pregnant just by looking at you? And where on earth had the word 'pregnant' come from?

She activated her Byakugan and took a long look through the door that the nurse had just passed through. Her nametag read A. Aya.

Hinata struggled to remember where she had seen those initials before. Furthermore, what did the first A. stand for? Arashiro, Amuro, Aikawa…?

Her heart literally skipped a beat. Hinata shot up from her chair and sped towards the nearest restroom, leaving a very puzzled Sasuke in her wake. It didn't take long to test herself, as Konoha pregnancy tests were more advanced than they'd been in past years, and when fifteen minutes had elapsed, the former heiress made her way back to where her husband sat anxiously, very much in a dazed stupor.

Sasuke now stank of both sweat (he'd been on pins and needles since she first entered the restroom) and urine. Standing up, he stilled his restless hands and frowned at the way she refused to maintain eye contact with him. "Well?" he demanded.

Hinata took a deep, dramatic breath and spoke after a very pregnant pause.

"I-I'm…"

Author's Note: Ugh, evil cliffie!!11! Pfft, as if we all don't know what her answer will be. But c'mon, y'all should know that I'm not to be trusted! Plot twists are fun. (continues to smile mysteriously)

Go to Wikipedia if you have absolutely no idea who Tila Tequila is. I'm sure you'll be pretty surprised.

Another reminder for you all: this is a parody. Do you know how much I can't stand it when people call Ino a whore or a slut for no logical reason whatsoever?

...Yes, I made her a whore. But damn it, if she's going to be a whore, she's going to be my kind of whore: a MySpace one. (She's also not a MySpace virgin anymore, Kiba!) I hate it when people bash her – she's my second favorite character in the series. Oh, and I also hate when people randomly Americanize their fics. Hence why there was a random cowboy police officer in this chapter. Yeehaw!

Also, I made Neji a jerk again. But only to Ino because she's a whore and she deserves it. (snerk)

I hope every American reader I have had a wonderful Thanksgiving! And to all the Canadians out there, I hope yours (I know yours was much earlier than ours) was great, too! I hope everyone got nice and plump for the wintertime!

…Speaking of which, I'm going to randomly select one reviewer to receive something from me for Christmas! It may be a crack ficlet or one of my 'special' drawings (really, I can't guarantee anything better than graphic stick-figure sex). So give an interesting review (say something cute or funny; suggest little twists or scenarios for the story)! You might win something from me!

Ladii-Chocolate