Shinji wake up!
Disclaimer: Warning – consuming and/or inadvertent exposure to this fanfic can cause……
Vomiting
Cancer
Death
Broken Bones
Toe Fungus
Diarrhea
Flatulence
Reverse Peristalsis
And any other ailment you can think of…….
Also I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion nor do I own any of the characters. Actually I own absolutely nothing thus I live in a cardboard box on the sidewalk and beg people for money…… "I got's nutin!"
But in all seriousness I really don't own any of Neon Genesis Evangelion! This was NOT used with the permission of the companies that own it and/or any of it's characters. It is meant as a compliment to its creator and is really just a spoof. Also I didn't have permission of Bob Dole, His campaign, the Republican Party of the United States of America or the use of the song, "I am a Dole man" (Sorry Bob.) ((You will see him later in the fanfic)) Oh yeah…I don't own the SAT…
Also
Special Thanks to L33t N1nj4 Boris for the proofreading, editing and help filling me in on some of my mistakes. (Also for writing most of the Misato scene…)
Thanks to everyone (L33t N1nj4 Boris) who let me bounce ideas off them. (I know it hurt but over time your wounds shall heal… I hope) (And no, I will NOT pay for your medical bill.)
Editorial Marks….
"" is when spoken aloud (sometimes used to offset something)
'' is thoughts
()help from me, the author to clarify something or to make a witty comment.
Chapter 1- A dream from above…
Shinji's "World" – (Have Fun!) …..
Shinji just had adverted third impact…Used the Evangelions to stop the 17 angels...Killed Tabris… Brought back Asuka…. And….And……He….
Ikari's Home-Shinji's Bedroom (Ignore the mess!)
Shinji wakes with a start. The word "Disgusting" ringing throughout his mind. He soon realizes he is covered in a cold sweat and begins to remember his REAL life. 'All that was just a dream' he thought. 'Had to be ….Gendo being an evil leader…..HA! …He (Shinji) living in Japan was an even bigger laugh …he lived in a small house on the outskirts of New York City for heavens sake!
He looked around his desolate room. The walls were blue, the floor was a complete mess and he had posters of his favorite sports teams hung up. His eye finally came to rest upon an empty tea cup and a SAT prep book. "Wow! ….That tea threw me for a loop" said Shinji aloud 'Last time I drink Gendo's "Special Blend" of tea.'
He then slipped out of his race car shaped bed and began to change. Once in his proper attire he went to take a shower. When he got there he found the door to be locked and the sound of a running shower could be heard through the door.
Shinji banged on the door for a few seconds and then shouted "Finished Yet! Hurry up I need to shower for school!"
Rei's voice screamed back over the noise from the shower, "It is not my fault that you stayed up all night to study stupid books. The test isn't for months or in your case years!"
Shinji just shouted, "Hurry up!" and Rei heard her brother's footsteps walk away from the door.
Rei then released a sigh of relief. She thought to herself 'He has changed. I don't know how in one night he became assertive. Oh well back to thinking about that stud Kensuke Aida …' (Well, I will try to keep this appropriate for most y'all boys and girls…So you can just imagine what Rei's thoughts were about…)
Still frustrated at his sister for not allowing him to shower he decided to get his breakfast. So he slowly walked down the stairs to see his father standing there. Gendo was wearing his uniform for work.. He worked at Nerv-Mart a large shopping chain that bought bulk items and sold them for low, low, low (I mean really uber low) prices. The uniform was a red vest with Nerv-Mart on the back with a picture of an Angel. ( I mean a godly angel NOT the one from the series! Geez! Stop jumping to conclusions…)
Standing next to Gendo was Yui Ikari. She was making breakfast while wearing an apron over her suit that she wore to work. She was the C.E.O. of Gehirn Steel and Electric Co.
As Shinji walked into the kitchen, Gendo noticed his son presents. "So… Did have a good sleep?" He questioned.
"Yeah…I had this really weird dream…"He stated.
But before he could finish Gendo cut him off, "We don't care about your dreams…" Then in a whisper, "Or your mom will take away my "Organic" tea again."
Before he could respond to this Shinji could hear Rei's voice calling to tell him that the shower was open for him to use. Shinji turned to go up stairs when Gendo kissed him and Yui on their cheek.
"I got to go or I'll be late….Love you" said Gendo. The then preceded to shout up the stairs' "Bye Rei! I expect to hear great things about you when you get home!" He then turned to Shinji, "And I expect … to hear…about you….yeah…" He then grabbed his keys and stormed out of the door.
Yui then shouted for the both of her children to here, "Your father and I have to work late … So Misato is coming over to…" But before she could finish she could hear the groans of Shinji and even Rei from up stairs. "Oh, No you don't! Neither of you should give me any lip..."
"But she is a Drunkard" said Shinji
"Yeah and when that Kaji comes over with her ugh…", added Rei.
"Well yes…Misato is a bit…well um … of a free sprit…yes that's how to say it… but that is no reason to chastise her… and she works for nearly nothing so it is the best fiscal choice!" scorned Yui. "It getting late you better get ready and head off to school" she said.
Shinji and Rei both knew it was futile to argue now that their mother had just ended the debate. So Shinji ran up stairs to get showered as Rei got "all dolled up" as they say. Afterwards they left for school.
Ramiel Institute of Education –
Shinji had spotted his friend Kensuke Aida who was in the corner reading a book entitled, "Area 52- The OTHER place THEY didn't want you to know about!" Shinji quickly sped up to talk with his friend.
"What ARE you reading!" asked Shinji
Kensuke looked up obviously startled by the interruption from his world of spies and military cover-ups. "Oh hi Shinji…THIS? Well THIS talks about how the government has been placing mind control chips in the inside of white bread. Also how they are using cows to spy…" He dropped off from his tirade when he noticed Rei had been staring at him. "Dude, what is up with your sister? Is she like sick or something?" asked Kensuke.
"What do you mean? My sister is just fine, thank you very much!" replied Shinji in a very irritated voice.
"Geez, What died in your oatmeal today? I was just wondering why she has just been staring at me this whole time." stated, Kensuke
Shinji alarmed, turned around to find his sister looking at the them. Perturbed by this lack of personal space he shouted, "Sis, What are you waiting around here for?"
Obviously searching for an answer, she replied awkwardly. "Well….Uh…. Hikari Horaki said uh….That she wanted to speak to me so I was waiting for her here."
Kensuke also a little freaked out, replied in a somewhat higher pitched voice, "That reminds me Shinji that succubus, your sister speaks of , came and swept off with Toji. I begged him not to go but this is what I get for my trouble." He proceeded to show him a bruise on his right on arm.
Rei looked surprised at first, 'I should have saw this coming' and then said aloud, "In that case I better go find Hikari and the other stooge. Bye brother." Then in a semi-seductive voice says "I'll see you later Kensuke." Then smiles, winks and walks away.
"What the hell is wrong with your sister today!" said Kensuke.
"Don't look at me…I don't know the first thing about women." 'Nor do I want to understand my sister' Shinji finished.
"Speaking of you and women…The red devil was looking for you before. I hope that you don't plan on pursuing a relationship with HER, I lost Toji I am not going to lose you."
"I TOLD you a hundred times, me and Asuka are just friends." Asserted Shinji.
"That's not what the gossip I heard said." Seeing Shinji's ensuing protest coming he continued, "Kaworu Nagisa said he could get proof that you and the Red Devil are … you know … an item." Said Kensuke.
"Don't ever mention him again. You KNOW how I feel about that … boy if you can call him that! And another thing, don't call Asuka that, she may get little upset."
Then the voice neither wished to hear at this moment came, "That's right my little Shinji… Big bad Asuka will get a tad bit upset at that name." Then she decked Kensuke out cold.
Shinji was preparing to get hit but didn't. Curious he timidly asked Asuka about this. "Asuka, aren't you going to hurt me?"
"Of course I will but I think I will wait until you do something stupid…" Asuka said. Shinji looked puzzled after this so she realized she needed to explain this concept to the stooge. "What I mean is that you stood up to him and told him to stop calling me" she shudders "…THAT …name. About time you grew some balls." When Shinji didn't respond, she felt white hot rage rush over her so she hit him over the head with her books. "Answer me stupid…" she yelled after hitting him.
After this incident Asuka helped Shinji up "Come along my invincible Shinji, My knight is shining armor." she said with her voice dripping with sarcasm. "I need you to carry my books to class." Fearing another walloping, Shinji hastily agreed and picked up all of Asuka's books.
As they walked down the halls toward the class rooms you could hear the gossip already spreading in the hordes of girls when they saw Shinji carrying Asuka's books. But one cold glance from Asuka got them to shut up for the moment.
"So…How has my Shinji been doing? Hmmmm….?" Asuka said in a teasing voice.
Shinji was caught off guard for this seemingly personal question. So after a pause he replied in a soft voice, "Well my head still hurts from where you hit me. I didn't even deserve it."
"WHAT! DIDN'T DESERVE IT! ARE YOU MOCKING ME?" with this she hit Shinji upside the head again. Knocking Shinji to the floor.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to." said Shinji softly
'Well he is back to his old self' she thought. Then said, "Will you stop being sorry. It is getting on my nerves."
"I'll try" he replied and got back up. They then walked to English class, Shinji walked four paces behind so he was no longer in Auska's strike range.
English class – (Remember your gerunds!)
Once they reached English class Shinji quickly went to his seat near the window next to Toji and Kensuke. While Asuka took her time walking to her seat enjoying the attention she got from all the males in the classroom. Once seated, the classroom returned to its normal buzzing conversations and gossip.
"Isn't she wonderful!" said Toji as if in a trance.
"Ahhhh! I told you they would get his soul! See Shinji! See!" said Kensuke.
"What do you mean? All I see is a love struck jock.." said Shinji
"I knew it! The red devil…" Kensuke trailed off seeing Shinji's face of what looked to be rage mixed with embarrassment. 'Nah he couldn't be…'he thought. "has gotten to you too!" he finished
Shinji was embarrassed that Kensuke had noticed and tried to avoid it but no excuse came to mind. "What are you implying?" he quickly stated.
Kensuke seemed as if he was going to talk again when the teacher spoke up to control the classroom. "Shinji Ikari! If you don't stop talking to your friend this instant you will be spending some "quality" time with the erasers after class! Do I make myself clear?" shouted the teacher.
"Crystal." Replied Shinji. Thinking of having to explain to Yui that he had gotten detention made him squirm in his seat.
"Good!" The teacher then went back to talking about how a gerund is a verb that acts as a noun in a sentence, but Shinji wasn't paying any attention. Soon his thoughts would be interrupted by the shrill cry of the teacher. He quickly came to attention to see what the problem was.
"Asuka! Stop lollygagging and pay attention!"
"I was Mrs. Silverstel-helition-en…uh… Oh why does your name have to be long and hard to pronounce!" shouted Asuka.
"Well prove it! Quickly tell us how that sentence can be broken down and show us ALL the gerunds! Also I wouldn't be talking about names…"
Asuka grabbed some chalk and went up to the board. She was trying to diagram the sentence but since she had just learned the language, so she wasn't able to.
"Just as I suspected…You are nothing more than eye candy for every boy and will never amount to anything!" shouted the teacher with a triumphant smile on her face.
The class began to laugh expect for Shinji and Hikari. Toji was laughing so hard he was holding his stomach and Kensuke's glasses were fogging up from his laughter. Asuka was extremely angry and also hurt on the inside. She was about to make a remark when there was a loud bang. Everyone turned to see what this was.
What they saw was Shinji. He was standing up with his chair fallen behind him. His face was red and a pure look of rage on his face. What he then did was something that he would never have done before his "Dream". He pointed directly at the teacher and then spoke these words with the most sincerity he had ever uttered.
"Don't you DARE say anything like THAT to her again! Or I will show you what it means to be an Ikari!"
Asuka was completely surprised at what her friend had just done. He had stood up for her when no one else would dare. She realized something had changed him...he had become a man.
The teacher was outraged at this outburst. She then said, "Didn't I tell you that if I heard one more word from you that you would be punished! Am I speaking another language!"
At this Shinji laughed not caring for his well being any longer. "Yes! You ARE speaking another language!" He paused for impact "We are immigrants from OTHER nations! We came here because of Gehirn Steel and Electric Co." He paused, pleased at the dumbstruck look on the teachers face. "I speak Japanese! She speaks German! And that dunce over there" He points to a stereotypical Viking sitting in the corner sharpening his battle axe "Speaks…well…I don't know what the hell he speaks but it sure ain't English " He then realized he was in over his head but some emotion he had never felt before overrode his common sense. "I don't care about being punished! You had NO right to tell Asuka that!"
Some of the class started laughing at the teachers oversight but the others, especially Asuka, Rei and the other stooges were silent at seeing how Shinji was acting. The teacher was flabbergasted and Asuka took this time to back up her friend.
"Yeah, you stupid old hag! Dummkopf!"
The teacher then had a face that would even scare the devil himself. She said in a slow and distinct voice, "Well then if that is how you feel… you just earned yourselves two weeks of detention after class starting today! I will also be alerting your parents of your outburst! Now sit down and shut up before I have to give you more Extreme Punishments!" She then looked around the room and said, "THAT goes for ALL of you!"
Shinji quickly took his seat. (After regaining his chair…Geez! Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you!) After what had just happened caught up to him, he began to go red with embarrassment replacing his rage . He could not believe what he had just done. 'Why did I do that! That was stupid!... Now there are going to be more rumors!...Why did I stick up for Asuka and not myself?' these thoughts continued to swirl around his head until after class.
As Shinji was packing up for his next class, Asuka was avoiding him and quickly got her books and left without a glance at Shinji.
Hallways-
The stooges were completely blown away by this latest stunt Shinji had pulled.
Kensuke was starting to spin a tale about how Shinji may have become so...lets just say angry.
"I heard about this before! This same thing happened to a guy named Galledorwaymorlansmortzga the third" said an overly excited Kensuke.
"Galluh-whosit?" said Toji (Kensuke will now refer to Galledorwaymorlansmortzga the third as G-money)
"Yeah… Some American kid told me when we first got here. He said that G-money had just drank chocolate milk from the school cafeteria. Which we all know has nano-bots in them that control our minds to believe in government cover-ups. Well anyway, G-money, you see, used one of those hot air hand dryers right after. Which made the nano-bots malfunction and…"
Shinji had just about enough of Kensuke's plots and went back to his thinking. 'Why did I do that' he thought and then a very strange thing occurred. A voice answered him back. "Because that is who you really are." 'Who are you?' thought Shinji. "I am your protector…I am your shield and sword…I am what you may call an angel." (GOD! WILL YOU STOP MAKING CONCLUSIONS! I mean A REAL angel from God NOT that ones from the SERIES! Geez, your starting to get on my nerves!) 'I must be going nuts to be hearing voices in my head.' Shinji looked around trying to figure out if one of his fellow students was playing a joke on him. But at that moment Toji and Kensuke, were in an argument over if Hikari was stealing Toji's soul and everyone else he saw was on their way to class.
"No you are not crazy I am trying to help you" said this mysterious voice.
'Then what do you mean that was "who I really am"?'
"That dream you had was NOT an ordinary dream. Oh no! That was a dream from me to awaken your true self. You were weak and beaten down by the world and I allowed you to see everything more clearly."
'Then why did I stand up for Asuka and not myself ?'
"We all do crazy things for the object we wish to protect."
'You mean…'
"Yes…Didn't I make that clear? Oh I must go now, the boss wants to see me. I think you will be okay now."
Just as Shinji was about to ask another question to the voice, Toji took his attention away.
"I don't think Shinji has nano-bots but I do think Shinji is…in love…" Toji said in a teasing manner.
"I am NOT" screamed a now red faced Shinji.
"Yeah whatever… we better be off to class" was the only response from his friends
Shinji just gave a weak goodbye and set off for his next class which was home-economics. But before he could get there Rei blocked his path.
"What were you thinking brother?" she asked in a condescending voice.
"I was thinking that no one had the right to do that. Sister" He added this last part to be sarcastic.
"So…You have changed…You're more of a man." Shinji blushed at this, but this did not stop his sister from talking. "But just wait until mom hears about this."
Shinji's stomach sank, he knew that he would not be able to breathe without his mother knowing after this. "Well at least I don't have to put up with Misato for an hour or so longer than I thought". Rei laughed at this comment but then had a smirk on her face.
"I can help smooth this over with mom… IF you do a little favor for me…" she said.
"Anything. I will do Anything you want, it can't be as bad as mom" was his reply.
"Well…For starters I need you to do my share of chores…"
Shinji jumped at the chance of redemption, "Done! What else?"
"Well I want you to … uh …set me up with… Kensuke..." Rei blushes.
Shinji felt as if he was going to vomit. "What!" He shouted.
"You heard me" said a slightly embarrassed Rei
Shinji groaned knowing he had no other option, "I'll try but I ain't guaranteeing anything."
Rei smirked and said, "That's all I ask." And she then walked away.
Shinji then feeling sick from his sister's request, turned around and headed for class.
Grocery store – (Caution – Very RANDOM scene! It was funny to me so it might be to you. Don't hold it against me. If you don't like it just skip it. It has no plot elements, it was just for my enjoyment.)
Gendo stood there in front of the snack isle. He couldn't decide which flavor potato chip he wished to eat. So he concocted a plan, soon after which he called Fuyutsuki on his cell phone.
"Fuyutsuki here!" was the reply
"I have plan…" was Gendo's response.
"No! I don't want any more potato chips! We go through this EVERYDAY!" and Fuyutsuki slammed the phone down.
Gendo was furious, now he was in a pickle. He had no idea which potato chips he wanted. "Do I want the BBQ or the Plain…Hmmm…?' He couldn't decide. After about fifteen minutes a thought came to him. 'What would Gandhi do…'
Ten minutes later Gendo came walking out of the store carrying shopping bags upon shopping bags full of every type of potato chip. "I hope Shinji and Rei are ready for potato chips for dinner again." He said aloud.
After Gendo found a picnic table in the park he sat down. (duh!) He then began to open each bag and take out one potato chip. While doing this he would say, "I declare you the First…Second…Third…Fourth… chip" and so on. After consuming each chip he would then say aloud, "All going according to plan…" He laughed evilly for a few seconds, coughed, and then resumed eating the chips.
Detention –
Shinji took his walk of shame to the English classroom as he knew he would for the next two weeks. On his way there he meet some other students who either gave him the Thumbs-Up-Sign or just gave him a smile. 'By now the whole school knows' thought Shinji. As he made the turn into the hall where his English class was, he saw Asuka go into the classroom. He heart pained to see her go in there, for if he could he would do her punishment too. He would never say these feelings because he knew if he had Asuka would just beat the living daylights out of him…then probably never talk to him ever again.
Shinji made his way into the classroom seeing the detention teacher already telling Asuka what to do.
"Oh, I see you have finally decided to arrive Mr. Ikari. Well as I was just telling Asuka here…" He pronounced her name wrong on purpose just to annoy them. (He said it like, Ah-soo-kah) At this gross mispronunciation Asuka flinched but did not dare to question a teacher again. The teacher continued after a little pause to see if there were any objections. "You and her will wash the desk tops, wash the chalkboard, clap erasers and sharpen pencils everyday until I SEE FIT! Understood?"
They both said simultaneously, "Yessir!"
"Good! Now I have a meeting with the principal so when I get back in two hours you two better still be here and finished." He was about to leave when He had to add one more thing. "Also no goofing off while I am gone or I'll show what it means to be a teacher." (He then growls) He turned and left. Leaving just Asuka and Shinji alone in the room to do their punishment.
Shinji grabbed an eraser and began cleaning the board. He was silent because he had nothing to say. Then Asuka saw him in a way she never saw before…He looked handsome. She then had the irresistible urge to kiss Shinji. It took all she could to hold back.
'We are just friends' she thought while trying to remain silent and look normally.
After about ten minutes of complete silence Shinji finally decided to break the ice by apologizing thinking she was angry at him. He decided to approach the topic very sensitively.
"I'm sorry Asuka…for getting you in so much trouble…I just…couldn't stand her talking to you like that." said Shinji.
Asuka was caught off guard by the comment and said, "There is no need to apologize. You did what you thought was right and…Thanks for sticking up for me."
Shinji was not expecting this, blushed, and smiled back at her. That urge that Asuka had been fighting had come back this time with renewed strength. The last thought she had was 'Damn hormones'.
She looked at Shinji and said, "I can't believe I am going to do this."
He looked back at her and said, "What do you mean Asuka?"
Just as he finished, Asuka looked at him with a strange look in her eyes and leaned over and kissed him. Shinji dropped the eraser he was holding and they began to embrace each other. Shinji didn't know if Asuka meant it or not but he didn't care. This innocent peck turned into a minute ordeal. It would have lasted longer until they both heard a noise. (Sorry I am not good at writing this type of romantic stuff.)
This noise was the undeniable click of a camera shutter. Asuka and Shinji looked around the room to find the source. Shinji's eyes then landed on who else but his worst enemy. Kaworu Nagisa, he was standing there holding a camera capturing their most private moment on film. Asuka turned red as did Shinji.
Kaworu then smiled and said, "Thank you two love birds, I have been waiting a while for that shot! Now I am going to be rich man tomorrow!"
Asuka then turned to Shinji. She asked, "Jump him?" Shinji nodded. And ran towards Kaworu catching him at the door and dragging him in. The door closes. Then a loud snapping sound is heard as is a yelp of pain. Then silence….
Kaworu had to leave that room limping…two hours later…. 'At least I still have my photo…I AM IN THE MONEY BABY! CHA-CHING! Ouch my leg…' were Kaworu 's thoughts heading to hopefully sell a couple of copies of this "gold" by the end of the night.
Outside the Ikari's –
Shinji was walking home from school thinking about what had just happened at school…at least, attempting to think. His mind had gone numb ever since the "incident". He crossed the lawn and opened the front door.
"Misato? Rei? I'm home!" Shinji heard giggling coming from the kitchen. He entered his house and proceeded to the kitchen. Misato and Rei were sitting down at the table looking at a square shaped piece of paper. They noticed him, quickly stopped laughing, and shoved the paper under the table.
Misato got up and walked over to Shinji. "Soooo, Shinji…how was your detention?" she said teasingly.
"Huh? Uhh…umm…oh it was just fine…really." Shinji replied. He shifted nervously.
Misato then started giggling and soon she and Rei began to laugh manically. Then tried to say through giggling, "I heard…that…it was...more fun than Oktoberfest."(I know soooo… lame but hey I am the writer, what do I care? You're the one reading it.)
Rei at this point is beginning to laugh so hard that hot coffee is spraying out her nose.
"What is so funny! Are you looking in a mirror again?" said a sarcastic Shinji.
"Hey last time I was drunk!" shouted an angry Misato. Rei was laughing even harder. Shinji, feeling triumphant at his remark, continued his assault. "Oh and you're not now?"
"Hey how did you…ummm…I mean…errr…" Misato said with a reddening face. Rei was now laughing so hard that she fell out of her chair…and continued laughing.
"Anyway, what were you two looking at earlier?" Shinji said pushing his luck. Misato quickly recovered from Shinji's attacks. "Oh I think you know what we were looking at." Misato said slyly (Rei is heard laughing in the background…STILL)
"Huh? What do you mean by that?" Shinji asked. Misato grinned. "Oh just this…" She pulls out the piece of paper and hands it to Shinji. Shinji glances at it and immediately turns red with embarrassment, then white with rage. It was a picture of him and Asuka kissing. The one Kaworu took!
"Tell me…how did you get this?" Shinji said seething. Rei now stopped laughing (finally!) and turned away. Misato, noticing the look on Shinji's face, started to stutter.
"Umm…well…you see…t-there's this k-kid n-n-named Nagisa…and he sorta…."
"WHAT! I thought I beat some sense into him! Grrrr…he is SO DEAD tomorrow!" Shinji yelled, ripping up the photograph and charging out of the kitchen to umm…plan some evil plans.
"Awwww did he have to rip it up? Now I'm gonna be bored again…" Rei stated.
"Don't worry Rei, I have extras." Misato said, pulling out 5 more copies. "Hide these in your room where he won't look, quick!" Rei took the photos and ran into her room, closing the door.
Ding-dong! The doorbell rang and Misato leaped out of the kitchen to the front door. She opened the door to find a smiling Kaji. "Hiya Misato!" Misato squealed with delight. "Ooh I knew you would come!"
"Yeah…I just couldn't resist…" said a suave Kaji.
Misato garbed Kaji's hand and began leading him to Shinji's room.
"Where are we going?" said a confused Kaji.
"To "STUDY" for our college exams." Said Misato with a wink. She then banged on the door to Shinji's room.
After a minute a muffled response came, "What do you want…"
"We are here to uh… seize your room for important college exam studying…So get out…You can sleep on the sofa…or over with Asuka if you want…"Misato giggled at her own remark. Shinji then opened the door intent on saying no until Misato saw this look in his eye. She quickly whipped out another copy of the embarrassing photo and said, "If you don't Yui will have a copy of this with her newspaper…"
Shinji was flabbergasted at this remark.. He didn't know what to say but he had no choice so he snatched the photo from Misato's hand and let them pass through. 'Great… now I'll have to clean my room…AGAIN' was his last thought before heading downstairs for his resting place on the sofa.
Once he reached his destination he realized he was still holding the picture in his hands. He was about to rip it up but after looking at it he decided he would keep this copy for future battles with Asuka. So he put it in the front pocket of his race car pajama shirt and went to sleep on the sofa.
Ikari's house – Next morning
Shinji woke-up extremely tried and confused about what happened the day before hand. He looked around trying to figure out where he was. He had woken up under an unfamiliar ceiling again. 'why am I on the sofa…'he wondered. Then the memories came flooding back to him…Asuka…Detention and ugh…Misato. "I hate that woman" he said to himself.
He slowly rose from his resting place and looked around. He jumped within his own skin…Gendo was sitting in the chair across from him with his hands folded under his nose and staring unrelentingly at him. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a straw hat and a big grin on his face.
"Good Job boy!" He said enthusiastically. "That's the way the fight the man! And here I thought you were good for nothing. "
Shinji looked at his father quizzically. He then said in a sleepy tone, "What are you talkin' about?"
"Your detention of course! I was ecstatic but your mom was kinda angry until Rei explained everything." Gendo replied instantly and with a look of merriment! Shinji began to wonder what the hell Rei had told his parents. "You freedom fighters inspired me to listen Fuyutsuki and his plan to get rich. So I spent our entire lifesavings in one hour!" At hearing this, a loud and angry scream can be heard from the kitchen followed by the sound of the frying pan falling.
"WHAT!" screamed Yui from the kitchen. She ran faster than an Olympian into the living room. "OUR ENTIRE LIFE SAVINGS! HOW COULD YOU?" She began to hit Gendo with her briefcase she had sitting in the corner.
Gendo was being beaten to a pulp until he was able to get out between hits, "Yeah…You know… the one …Ouch!…I keep in my left…ugh…shoe." At this point Yui stops hitting him and Rei has come down from upstairs to see what the ruckus is.
"Oh…THAT life savings…"Yui begins to laugh.
"Damn…I told you my hiding spot…"Gendo muttered. He then continued on with his story. "Yes, that one with the now compromised security. Well…anyway Fuyutsuki had told me investing is were the money is at." Yui's face lights up at her husband final acceptance of "The system." As Gendo continues with the story, "Yeah so after I got the call from your teacher Shinji, I decided to fight the power like you so after eating a package of BBQ chips I spent the rest of the savings on…" Yui's face is filled with anticipation for which stock Gendo had bought… "These TWO lottery tickets! Ta-Da" He pulls them out of the front pocket of his Hawaiian shirt.
Yui's head drops and she mutters "I knew it…too good to be true…" Rei begins to laugh at her mothers disappointment.
Shinji trying to stop a impending row, "WOW! Great idea dad! Why don't you scratch them off now?" he said with mock enthusiasm. Gendo smiles and begins to scratch the tickets off. He then jumps for joy when he scratches the first one off. Everyone begins to cheer believing Gendo has won some sort of wonderful prize.
"What did you win?" asked Rei
"I won a Nerv brand cola at any of the fine participating Nerv-Marts tri-county wide!"
All of the Ikari household except Gendo hung their heads in shame at the false hope of being richer. Yui then hits him in the back of the head while Gendo is scratching off the last lottery ticket. Gendo after finishing scratching the last ticket hangs his head and says, "I only won a dollar…Here you can have the dollar Rei..." He hands the ticket to Rei.
"Uh…Father this says you won a hundred thousand dollars." She said with great enthusiasm.
Her father looks at her quizzically before stating the obvious, "Is that good?" She just nods her head and Gendo along with the rest of the family begin to jump up and down for joy.
"You know what we are going to do?" said Gendo the whole house stops jumping to hear Gendo's idea. "Remember that family trip we wanted to take with all of our friends and family…Well, that's what we are going to do!" Rei begins to squeal for delight. While Yui runs into the kitchen to call people for the vacation. Then Gendo adds, "Except Rei…"
"What!" she screamed at her father.
"You are going to that band camp you always wanted to go to!" Gendo stated beaming at his daughter.
"I NEVER wanted to go to band camp…I don't even play an instrument!" said a very distraught Rei.
"Well…you WILL want to, so I am just going to send you before you whine at me about how you want to go to band camp. As for your instrument…" He reaches behind the couch and hands her what seams to be a combination of a flute and a harmonica mixed together, a blue ocarina . "I found this at some nerd's yard sale…he said he had to sell it because he had just got married…That's a laugh he probably just needed the money to buy the next season of "Star Files" on DVD."
Rei looked at him with disgust. She then started to protest, "I DON'T WANT…"
Gendo cut her off, "We DON'T care…We never liked you much…"
Rei looked as if she was going to cry but hen she got a smirk on her face. She then said in a angry voice, "If I can't have fun on vacation than neither can Shinji…" She reached in her pocket and pulled out a square shaped piece of paper. Once Shinji saw it his face turned white with fear and began to silently plead to her not to show them. Rei just smirked and a handed it to Gendo. "Look at what your GOOD boy has been doing behind your back." she said with triumph in her voice. Shinji groaned he knew the end had come. Gendo took the paper from his daughter a looked at it. Just then the sky became dark and loud cracks of thunder could be heard. Gendo's face had turned red.
Gendo then pointed at Shinji just as a very loud crack of thunder was heard. "YOU! SINNER! YOU ARE DANCING WITH THIS HEATHEN SLUT OF THE DEVIL! YOU MUST CONFESS YOUR SINS TO GOD! OR ELSE YOU SHALL BE PLACED IN THE ETERNAL PIT OF DAMNATION! YOU MUST BEG HIM FOR FORGIVENESS! NOW!"
Shinji was terrified, he was rooted in place. At this outburst Yui came running over. "Oh it can't…" she started to stutter when she saw the photo. Her face then matched Gendo's as she began her tirade. "What HAVE you been doing! I knew those GERMANS were trouble. We have to get you tested…oh no I am ruined, my son…what have you done…" Yui began crying The clouds began to part as Gendo sat down next to his wife to comfort her. Rei began to laugh inwardly at watching her brother squirm under these conditions. 'Now I am not only one who is miserable…' she thought.
Shinji began to cast around his mind for an explanation but none were coming.
"I…I…well…Asuka and I…were um…in detention…a-a-a-and she kissed me. So…I…" This is a far as Shinji got when his mother's face perked up.
"So it was Asuka, or should I say the devil, who seduced you! Wonderful now all I have to do is ruin her family reputation and fire her parents and…" rambled Yui
"What!" said an exasperated Shinji at trying to figure out his mom.
"Yes son…If word get out you are …lets just say a ladies man… then I would be ruined…The tabloids would call me a failure at being a mother so how can I be a C.E.O." Yui finished.
"No you don't…I like Asuka…" startled at what he had let slip he then quickly and awkwardly tried to resurrect his secrecy. "…As a friend… and you are not going to hurt her family for something we did innocently… I don't think it was even serious." Said Shinji.
"Oh well in that case…Let's see… I can just deny your relationship as long as you two don't have anymore of these …displays of affection." stated a relieved Yui.
"Alright… I won't …" finished Shinji.
Gendo took this opportunity to chime in, "Well I don't care if you meant it or not you are still a sinner in God's view! After you finish school and detention I want you to come strait home so I can take you to midnight mass so you can repent! I don't want God to harm me for being a bad father!" stated Gendo.
"Yessir" said a mortified Shinji.
"Now that we have settled that.. you two better hurry up for school…Oh Shinji, you may invite anyone you want … except for any Germans." stated Yui flatly. She then mumbled, "I hate Germans…can't keep their hot little hands off my son…" as she continued looking up phone numbers for people she wanted to invite on vacation.
Shinji completely and utterly embarrassed quickly grabs his things and storms out of the house. Rei follows suit after grabbing a quick bagel to eat.
Streets of the Suburb – (Shinji's hood yo!)
"Hey! WAIT UP!" shouted an angry Rei. Shinji still had NOT forgot about the stunt Rei had just pulled. So to punish her he began to speed up his walking pace. Rei knowing her brother decided to show him that she was the one who inherited their mother's inhuman speed. She caught up to him in within three seconds.
"How the he…Never mind I don't need to know." Said a very emotionally distraught Shinji. "I told you that you can never run away…"said Rei. "Thanks a lot for showing father that "Wonderful" picture!" said Shinji sarcastically. "Oh…that…well I figured they would find out anyway…and if I am going to be miserable at band camp, You are going to miserable in your love affairs." Rei said as she began to giggle. Rei had forgot she had given Shinji a very powerful card which he decided to use now. "Oh well then maybe I will just tell Kensuke that you want the take his soul and…" Rei stopped dead in her tracks. She looked as if she had gone ten rounds with a boxer. She turned pale and said, "Low blow…Very low blow…" Shinji looked at her and said, "Now we understand each other…" Just then a man came out from the shadows of the alleyway next to them. Shinji gulped he didn't like the looks of this man. Rei then began to scream at the top of her lungs for her life.
The man looked at them and said, "Hi, I am Bob Dole! Do you know where Bob Dole can get some food. Bob dole is tired…" (HEY! Hold it! What the hell is politics doing in my FANFIC! Bob Dole get out of here! No one likes you anymore!) "No, Bob Dole needs attention…No one listens to Bob Dole anymore…"He begins to sing his theme song "I am a Dole man" (I don't care! Get out of my fanfic!) "Bob Dole thinks not…" (Do I have to call Asuka!) "Uh…Bob Dole would rather leave in one piece…" Bob Dole then leaves the fanfic via the alley way. (Sorry folks he has been bothering me for sometime now…I hate this Bob Dole…I had to fend him off with a stick but I left for some water and look at what happens…) (I continue ranting about Bob Dole while you the reader don't pay any attention…) (Well sorry about that… Well where were we before that interruption…oh yes Shinji had just black mailed Rei…Back to the REAL story)
Rei looked at her brother very suspiciously, "Are you going do THAT favor I asked of you…I kept my part of the bargain…I told Mom and Dad that you were helping Asuka understand the new world we live, when you got detention." 'That is THE lamest excuse I had ever heard but somehow it worked' thought Shinji. He then said, "I am a man of my word…even if I don't like it…" Rei smiled and replied, "Then I will leave you in the hands of Asuka…" Rei trailed off and took a side road.
Shinji called after her, "What do you mea…" just then something that felt like a bag of bricks hit the back of his head. Due to the impact he blacked-out and woke up a couple of seconds later laying on the ground seeing stars. Once he regained motor functions he turned his head to see Asuka standing to his right empting a large bag of bricks on to the sidewalk.
"A…Asuka? Is that you…?" he asked very timidly. "Yes! Dummkopf!" She screamed back at him. She began to kick him in the stomach. "Ouch … That hurts…stop it…" Shinji voice is cracking the whole time as Asuka continues to hit him. "What did I do…" He wished he didn't say that, he just remembered the photo. "What DID YOU DO! BAKA!" She began kicking him with renewed force. Shinji then had tear from the pain come out of his eye and roll down his face. At seeing his pain Asuka for some reason was unable to continue her assault. 'Why can't I bring myself to hit him any more?…It never used to bother me.' Asuka then had that feeling again but this time it was to help Shinji not kiss him. She couldn't help it, she offered him a hand up and helped him to a near by bench.
Shinji sat on the bench gasping for breath while blood was dripping from his nose. He was then able to gasp out, "Sorry…" Asuka smiled somehow this pathetic lump was making her feel emotions she had never had before. "You better be…Have you seen these!" She threw about twenty-five copies of the picture at Shinji. Shinji looked down and knew what they were but for his own protection decided to act dumb and say nothing. "I can't believe you didn't break his camera!" shouted the redhead at the pathetic boy sitting next to her. Shinji didn't think as usual, and decided to fight this futile battle. "What do you mean you are the one who choked him with the camera straps!" retorted Shinji. Once these words left his lips he thought for sure he was dead. He braced for impact but instead got a verbal thrashing.
"Well you are the one you use the camera like a mace!" shouted Asuka. "I told you destroy the film." Shinji winced at his stupidity he was too busy beating up Nagisa that he forgot what he was trying to stop. "Sorry" stated Shinji.
"back to your old comeback, eh?" said a smirking Asuka. Shinji looked at the photo's Asuka had thrown at him and notice they had blood on them but not his blood, his nose had long stopped bleeding. He smiled and asked, "How did you get these photo's?" Asuka giggled, then said, "Well first my mom had a copy this morning…" She saw Shinji's face of puzzlement. "Don't want to get in to it" she said dangerously. Shinji nodded his head for fear of being beaten up again. "Anyway after I took this from my mom I walked to school and found a whole bunch of girls in a horde who had them so I …uh…um…confiscated them by forceful actions." She said slyly. Shinji could tell he wasn't the only one who had a nose bleed today at the hands of Asuka.
"Well…What do we do now?" asked Shinji. Asuka was torn between telling him how she really felt or find a way around what happened and continue to be friends. At this moment she didn't know what to do…so she changed the topic.
"Well…How was your time with Misato?" Asuka said evading the original question. Shinji didn't know what to say, He was afraid if he told the truth he would have to put up with the "Bag-o-Bricks" again. Then he began to imagine the torture he would go through if Asuka found out he had lied to him. He quaked in his shoes and then deiced to go with the truth because if he didn't, he wouldn't be around to testify at Asuka's trial.
"Well…uh…She and Rei…kinda…sorta bought those picture and…" Before he could finish Asuka face began to twitch and her hand began to curl into fists. Shinji being a coward when it came to Asuka hid behind his backpack and mumbled, "Sorry" Asuka then took a VERY deep breath and then turned to Shinji with a very fake smile and said, "That's why you owe Wondergirl a favor right?" Shinji thought about it and it was semi-true so he went with it. "Kinda…mostly because she smoothed things over with my mom about being in detention. So I owe her a very big favor which she will not let me forget." Asuka then got a sneer on her face. "What does she want?" she asked evilly.
Shinji grimaced, then said, "I don't…I mean… I can't tell you or Rei might do something very painful…" Asuka getting frustrated said, "If you don't there will be nothing left for her to angry at…" She raised her fist menacingly. Shinji gave in and said, "Do you promise not to tell her I told you?" Asuka nodded and Shinji continued, "She wants me to set her up with one of the stooges." Then Asuka said the rest along with him, "It is defiantly not her brother and not Toji, who is love with her best friend, she must be in love with…" Shinji trailed off but Asuka screamed it at the top of her lungs in disbelief, "KENSUKE!" Shinji nodded and Asuka was somewhere between laughing and vomiting.
"Why the hell would she like that NERD!" Asuka shouted.
Shinji whom was quite embarrassed at his friends antics just shook his head. "I really don't understand your kind." He reflected. Asuka the turned around and said, "Don't you dare classify me along with the likes of her. She isn't like me at all…" Shinji just nodded his head. Asuka then smiled and said, "Your right, you don't understand women do you?" Shinji thought for a moment and then said like a matter of fact, "No, I don't Asuka." Asuka begins to laugh uncontrollably and Shinji stares at her with puzzlement.
Asuka stops laughing because she had just made up her mind on a pre-discussed topic. She looked at him and said, "Looks like I am going to have to change that!" Shinji was extremely taken aback it took him a few seconds just to respond, let alone understand the meaning. "W…Wh…Wha…What!" he asked semi-frightened.
"You heard me Shinji! That picture has us already pegged why not go along with it and if doesn't work out so what at least we tried." stated a confident Asuka. When Shinji just sat there she decided to help him, "You can start by carrying my stuff" she said pointing to her things. Shinji didn't know what to think but he knew better than to cross Asuka. He went and got her things and walked up to her. She smiled and said as if talking to a dog, "Good Boy! Now take my hand." He did as he was told, not being able to think either due to his emotions but more likely due to the concussion he had received earlier, if neither had stopped him from protesting this treatment, he would be long dead. They then both walked hand-in-hand toward the school building.
A/N: Awwww! Ain't that cute… I thought I would end this chapter on a WAFF. This took me a while and is my first attempt at writing a Fan Fiction. I finished this chapter on January 23 2006 but I don't want death threats for updating so slow…therefore I decided to wait until I have few chapters done. I know that the last third of the story isn't as funny as the beginning but don't worry, that was there for a plot…If you want to call it that. Also I know many if not all of my characters are OOC but remember ALL of Evangelion including the movies were just a dream sent to Shinji. This is the real world and his dream was to show him that being spineless gets people nowhere. Don't worry though, I will get back to the wonderful power of randomness in the next chapter…Till then review and relax…
A/O/N: Also I would like to formally apologize to all those I may have offended… especially you, Bob Dole…
A/O/O/N: So in this chapter Asuka and Shinji were caught kissing and Rei wants Kensuke while Gendo was off being…well…a by-product of the sixties. Also Asuka knows Rei's secret…How will this spice things up? And the family minus Rei are going on vacation. How will this turn out? And Rei at band camp…can't you just wait? What will happen? How will Shinji react? Will Gendo ever find the right potato chip? I know but I am going to be mean and not tell you. So Until chapter 2 …uh…Can you solve world hunger for me? It has really been bugging me…
Ich werde Sie später sehen!