Warnings: Unbeta-ed.
Despite Megumi's protest, Sano hobbled towards the open shoji where Kaoru sat on the engawa, hands clasped in her lap demurely. She had changed from her sweaty training gear into a more proper kimono, transforming from the unbending assistant master of a dojo to a modest young woman. He eyed her, vaguely surprised that a different set of clothes could alter her appearance so drastically. She was no classic beauty like Megumi but Kaoru had her own charms that went beyond the physical.
Sano lurched forward to brace himself against one of the columns as he stepped outside. He grimaced as his side tightened in pain, reminding him ever so gleefully of his wounds. But despite the injury, it had been worth the beating he took to be fussed over by Megumi. Luckily, he had always been a fast healer.
Kaoru didn't turn her head to face him as he rested alongside her. But she spoke as soon as he caught his breath. "You shouldn't be up. I could hear Miss Megumi yelling at you all the way from out here."
Grinning, Sano stuck a hand in his trouser pocket, glancing up at the dark velvet sky. "I was never really good at doing what I'm told to do. Still waiting for Kenshin, are we?"
"He said he would come back."
Sano nodded. "Yeah. And he always keeps his promises. You don't have to worry about that."
She finally turned, tilting her head up to meet his gaze. Her eyes reflected the deep evening horizon into a darker shade of blue until her pupils were almost black. Interestingly, they were unreadable, obscured even in the lamp light. "Can I ask you a question?"
There was something in her voice that caused Sano to stiffen slightly. He knew she would eventually ask him about things he didn't want to discuss. "About what?" he said cautiously.
Kaoru turned back to watch the front gate again. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to," she murmured. "But I just don't understand."
Of course she didn't understand. How could she? Kaoru had never been exposed to such darkness in a person before and was naturally curious about it. Sano exhaled noisily before carefully sliding down the column so he could sit next to her. The bandages around his ribs tightened at the movement but he ignored the wave of pain. "Go ahead and ask," he said gruffly. "But don't get mad if I can't answer you."
He had half expected the question to be about Kenshin. But Kaoru surprised him by asking instead, "What's going on between you and Miss Megumi?" She slanted him a look, a sly smile curving her lips up. "She kept calling you 'baka' with every other breath while she was looking over my wounds."
Sano didn't flush easily but the mischievous sparkle that glinted in Kaoru's eyes was a little disconcerting. "Nothing." Acutely aware that he was actually embarrassed – when was the last time he had felt that way? – Sano tried to turn the conversation into a different direction. "Let's not change the subject here. What were you really going to ask me?"
Kaoru kept on grinning. "Hey, I did want to know." But the amusement slowly faded and she took a deep breath before speaking again. "I'm aware that I'm still very ignorant of many things. But you can't live in this world without knowing a little something of how it is. I just wanted to know what made you turn so jaded yet still willing to help people, especially strangers. And what could have happened to Miss Megumi and Kenshin that they wouldn't?"
Sano sighed deeply, rubbing the bandages to ease the pain skimming across his body. "I can't answer for them, Missy. You'll have to ask them that question. As for me …" He shrugged. "I always had a soft spot for helping young ladies out. Call it a chivalrous act on my part."
He could feel Kaoru's eyes focusing on him yet again. "What about Kenshin? Is what you're doing for him a chivalrous act as well?"
Sano tensed slightly. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"I've been thinking about it. You're not as ruthless as you want to be seen." Kaoru turned and smiled at him again. "You try to hide it but you've got a soft side that overrides your tough image over and over again."
Sano shrugged, not bothering to deny or confirm her thoughts. "Even bad people can do good deeds now and again."
Kaoru nodded, a thoughtful expression crossing her face. "I suppose you're right. But that depends on what you mean by a 'bad person'."
Hesitating for a moment, Sano finally said, "If you knew half the things I've done in my past, Missy, you'd know that I'm not really a good man." He shrugged. "I guess you can consider me helping Kenshin a part of my repentance for such evil deeds."
"Just as Kenshin did with Takeda earlier? Repentance?"
"Heh. With Kenshin, you can never be too sure. But I'd guess that's about right." Absently scratching the edge of the bandage on his chest, Sano glanced at Kaoru's side profile. "You probably know this, but Kenshin rarely makes conversation with his opponent in the middle of a fight."
The street fighter's dry tone caused a flicker of a smile to cross Kaoru's face. "No, I didn't assume he would. And his questions were … interesting."
They had been interesting to Sano as well. And he was surprised that Kaoru had answered them in such a forthright way, despite her young age and even when it was obvious she would lose. His respect for the kendo instructor had grown then, and much more so because she seemed to get through to Kenshin where he had failed.
Comfortable silence stretched between them as they lapsed into their own thoughts. Sano was a little surprised Kaoru didn't seem interested in pursuing her line of questioning. Perhaps she found the answer she was looking for.
The gate suddenly creaked open and a shadowy figure stepped through. Turning, he shut the wooden portal behind him and locked it.
Kaoru sat up and watched the newcomer intently, eyes squinting to see him more clearly. Sano tensed slightly, automatically on guard. He relaxed only when the stranger stepped into the pool of light emanating from the lamp to reveal flame red hair.
"Kenshin," Kaoru breathed.
The swordsman nodded to Sano before locking eyes with Kaoru. No one spoke for a moment.
Sano looked between them and let out a long breath. Something had happened during the battle, forging some sort of connection between them. He wasn't sure what kind of bond it was and Sano was a little worried for Kaoru's sake. Still, it wasn't his place to interfere – yet. He would be watching Kenshin to make sure the swordsman did nothing to hurt her. In the meantime, Sano figured he had better leave them alone to work things out. Kaoru had too many questions that only Kenshin could answer.
Besides, his wounds were starting to ache again, amplified by Kenshin's presence as the memory of his attacks drifted to mind. Sano struggled up to his feet, causing both people to look at him. "Well, I'd better go back inside before Megumi starts pitching another fit. Don't stay out too late, Missy. And if you need anything, just holler." He darted Kenshin a pointed look as he said this, warning his friend not to hurt Kaoru. Kenshin merely nodded once to acknowledge his unspoken words.
Kaoru smiled up at him, apparently unaware of the silent communication between the men. "I will, thank you Sano. And I mean for everything. Please rest and tomorrow we'll have a big breakfast to help you heal faster!"
Apparently, that was the right thing to say. Sano grinned at the promise of food and limped back inside the house happily.
And left the two of them alone.
Kaoru studied Kenshin's eyes, noting that they were back to its normal brilliant gold shade, shuttering his emotions and thoughts from the world. His sword remained sheathed at his side. Her heart sank; it was as if nothing had changed between them. He was still the distant, apathetic swordsman with the unmitigated gall to attack his own friend. The connection between them was broken.
Licking her lips, Kaoru debated whether or not to wait and see if Kenshin spoke first. But it seemed as though he planned on saying nothing. So she took a moment to gather her courage before asking softly, "Did you get hurt anywhere? Should I get Miss Megumi for you?"
"I'm fine."
His brusque tone did nothing to encourage her. But Karou refused to give up, however daunting it was to speak with an emotionless, cold figure. "Oh. Um, good. Did – did you have any more trouble with Takeda?"
Kenshin stepped forward and Kaoru had to fiercely remind herself not to flinch. The aura around the swordsman seemed even deadlier than it had a few hours ago when he was in battle. Their eyes locked as Kenshin slowly approached her, neither willing to look away and concede defeat.
When Kenshin finally reached her, he bent over so his thumb gently touched the scrape on her cheek while Kaoru looked up. He was so close that when he spoke next, she could feel his warm breath feathering on her skin. "He's been taken care of. He won't bother you or the rest of the City again."
For a horrible moment, she couldn't find her voice. Kaoru could only swallow and nod her head slightly. His eyes, this close, were burning furnaces of gold, so bright that it seemed to rival the light of the sun. The heat radiating from the pupils was so intense she felt hot and flustered. "T-that's good," she said shakily, despising the breathy quality in her voice. How could she have forgotten how overwhelming his presence could be? "Kenshin, yo-you're too close."
He drew back, raising one arm to brace it against the column. He was amused again, which slightly annoyed Kaoru. "Was I?"
Kaoru frowned; was he playing with her? "Yes, you were," she said firmly. "I don't appreciate your intimidation tactics so please refrain from doing so again."
"You were the one who invited me back here."
"Not to have you act like a boar!"
The brief flash of amusement was back in his eyes. "A boar? I think I'm insulted."
Bristling from his nonchalance, Kaoru glared at him, her earlier trepidation vanishing in light of his arrogance. "You should be! I don't normally stoop to calling people names but in this case, I think it's highly deserved!"
"I see. Then why did you invite me here?"
The light tone vanished and was suddenly replaced by a more somber voice. Kaoru cast him another quick glance and realized he was still watching her intently. "I … I just want to understand what drives you to do things like joining with Takeda and hurting innocent people. They say you are the greatest swordsman alive but you use your skills to kill with your blade." She straightened up, continuing to watch him earnestly. "The sword should be used to protect people."
"So you've already said once before," Kenshin murmured. "Unfortunately, Kaoru, your naïve ideas of not killing is unrealistic in this world. There is too much corruption and greed to even consider that as a possibility."
Kaoru hmphed. As if she hadn't heard that argument before. "You're assuming everyone is like that. There are still good people in this world, people wanting to help others."
"But they are getting rarer and fewer in between." Kenshin fell silent for a long moment before adding so softly Kaoru had to strain to hear him, "Though I suppose if a day ever appears that the sword is no longer necessary I would not be upset about it."
"Well, it's certainly good to know you haven't completely lost your humanity," Kaoru said dryly.
"Whatever is left of it, in any case," he agreed so readily she realized that he truly believed he was beyond redemption. "So, then. What do you want to know?"
Kaoru saw him lift his head to stare up into the night sky as she and Sano had done earlier, leaning against the column for support. From his profile, Kenshin didn't look so dangerous and she was hard-pressed to realize that, only mere hours earlier, he had pressed his sword against her neck. "I just want to understand," she said softly.
"Hmm. I'm not so sure you can."
She said wryly, "Yes, I got the same feeling from Sanosuke. But even so, I need to try. People like you and Miss Megumi and Sano aren't uncommon. I see them every day, right here in this City. They are so jaded and cynical it hurts to watch them expect nothing but the worst. So, of course, they act accordingly."
"One thing you need to learn, Kaoru, is that you cannot save the world. Not by your words or your sword." Kenshin looked down at her, the intensity of his gaze capturing her attention effortlessly. "It would keep you alive longer that way."
Kaoru tilted her chin up stubbornly. "My father taught me never to retreat and to stand my ground firmly."
The swordsman snorted. "Then your father was also a very foolish man." Kaoru opened her mouth for a scathing retort but he continued to speak, voice suddenly turning thoughtful. "Though I'm certain if he was half the man you claim him to be, he wouldn't want you to put yourself in danger. I think, Kaoru, that he would want your happiness above all else, even if others suffer. You can't save everyone you meet. Accept it and you will feel more at peace with yourself. There is no need for your bravado when you can do just fine with the gifts you were born with."
Kaoru opened her mouth then closed it, uncertain of what to say next. She was still annoyed at Kenshin for slandering her father but she had to admit his words did have a grain of truth in it. She sighed, shifting her weight slightly and wincing at the stab of pain on her right thigh. "This is supposed to be about you, not me," she muttered.
Hidden in the dark, a tiny smile lifted one corner of Kenshin's mouth. "What else did you want to ask?"
Kaoru considered the question for a long moment, sorting her thoughts into order. Finally, she said, "Why did you join with Takeda?"
"Why not?"
It was spoken in the same off-handed tone Sano used when she had asked the street fighter why he was helping her and Yahiko. As if there was no good reason not to join. "Well, because he's a manipulative, egotistical, self-promoting … jerk." His mouth quirked at her words but Kaoru didn't notice. "I'm still surprised Sanosuke joined him. I mean, I know he tries to put up a tough front but you can tell he has the heart to help people, not hurt them."
"Sano only joined with Takeda because of me."
Kaoru considered that for a moment before realization dawned on her. "To protect you."
Kenshin nodded slowly. "To keep me from losing myself entirely. To make sure that I would still retain a part of my humanity, no matter how much I despised it." He glanced at her. "He can be quite persistent when he wants to be. He wouldn't leave me alone even though I warned him repeatedly."
Kaoru had to smile. "But he eventually grows on you. He's pretty good with people like that."
Kenshin didn't answer right away, instead studying the inky darkness that stained the courtyard. At last, he said, "Sano is a good person, no matter what he's done in the past. He's done much more for me than he may ever know."
"And you pay him back by fighting him," Kaoru said wryly. "Perhaps we should work on your friendship skills."
"Sano understands where I come from."
The kendo instructor sighed. "Yes, I figured it was some sort of male thing that I couldn't possibly understand. But Miss Megumi said that his wounds weren't at all life threatening, it just looked bad. So I guess underneath that cold, indifferent exterior is a man who cares for his friend, after all."
Kenshin snorted. "You give me far too much credit, Kaoru. Sano is quite a decent fighter and he's taken enough wounds to know where it would be the least dangerous."
"And modest, too. If you're not careful, Kenshin, you'll start to become a paragon of virtue."
"Only you would think a killer is more than just a killer. Do try and not to be so naïve."
Kaoru tried not to take offense at his condescending words; instead, she leaned forward to study him more closely. "Is it that frightening for you to realize that you aren't beyond being saved, Kenshin? Why are you trying to hard to deny that people can see the good in you?"
The challenge in her voice caused him to turn his head towards her, gold eyes flashing. "Do you see anything good in me, then, Kaoru?"
Kaoru sat back on her legs and folded her hands on her lap demurely. "I see that you did good things today. Things you didn't have to do. And if you really are beyond redemption, as you so claim, you wouldn't have done anything about it. What you do now is entirely up to you. But I'd like to think that you have enough courage to stand up from where you fell and change your life if you want to."
Kenshin didn't answer as he turned back to watch the sky. Kaoru allowed him a moment's silent to reflect on her words. She wasn't sure if anything she said would help him but she was determined to try and break through the barrier he had set up for himself. She desperately wanted him to realize the truth and wipe that haunting pain from his eyes. It was in her nature to care for those who needed it. Perhaps she could help Kenshin in some small way.
"So if I wish to change, what should I do, then?"
Kaoru blinked and looked up at Kenshin again, noting the faintly mocking voice. Nevertheless, she chose to take his words seriously. "I'm not sure," she said honestly. "It's up to you to find a resolution for the pain you're hiding inside. The only thing I can offer you is support and encouragement." She paused and considered her next words. "If you don't have anywhere to go, you're welcome to stay at the dojo for as long as you need to. I've already offered the same to Sano and Miss Megumi."
"And here you'll heal all our hearts and give us reason to live again, right?" Kenshin's voice was derisive.
Kaoru merely smiled and rose from her seated position, wincing as her thigh let out a twinge of pain from where Okura had kicked her. "Wasn't it you who told me I shouldn't try to save the world? I'm merely offering you a place to stay for as long as you like. And if you're going to consider changing your life, why not do it here with your friends to help you?"
He snorted in derision. "You understand that you're opening your home to Himura Kenshin, don't you?"
She nodded solemnly. "Yes. To both the mercenary swordsman and the good man buried underneath. As long as you adhere to the rules here, I don't see why either of you can't stay." Kaoru then offered him a gentle smile. "We've been through quite a lot today so I'm sure you need to rest and recover. I'll have a room made up for you." She turned to head back into the house when Kenshin's voice stopped her.
"Kaoru."
Kaoru paused in mid-step before slowly turning around. She rubbed her leg absently, grimacing at the spasm of pain accompanying her touch; there would be a large bruise there tomorrow, she was certain. "Yes?"
"You were wrong."
She waited but when it was obvious Kenshin wasn't going to say anymore, she said patiently, "About what?"
His golden stare was still unnerving but Kaoru met his gaze without flinching. She knew he despised weakness above all else and was determined not to falter in front of his watchful eyes. "You were wrong about me not able to kill you. I merely wanted you to yield so I could prove you wrong. Hope does not exist, not in our world."
Kaoru stared thoughtfully at him for a long moment. Kenshin's mask had dropped briefly and once again, she saw the pained loneliness radiating from his tired face. Amazingly, the golden hue of his eyes was fading into a deep amethyst color which did nothing to hide his emotions. "Have I proved you wrong then?"
A slow, small smile began to curve the corners of Kenshin's lips up. "Did you think you could undo years of bloodshed with one little talk?"
The smile was quite unexpected and Kaoru found herself fascinated by the new expression. "If an unknown assistant master of an ailing dojo can stand up against the infamous Himura Kenshin, I don't think anything is impossible."
The swordman's head lowered slightly so Kaoru couldn't see his eyes hidden by his bangs. After a moment's silence, he finally said, "Some things are impossible. Erasing your past, for instance."
"But if you erase it, you can't learn from your mistakes. And if you don't learn from your mistakes, you won't realize that you have a second chance to change things."
"There are some things you cannot change."
"Why focus on that? Why not concentrate on what you could do differently? The past is there for us to learn and remember so that we will do better the next time. Life is hard enough without punishing yourself continuously for your past." Kaoru paused and sighed, seeing the tenseness of his shoulders not abating in the least. "Well, I suppose you'll just have to figure it out on your own. Perhaps your stay here will help you figure out what you're looking for. Peace is not quite so far away as you think." She smiled at him. "Maybe you'll realize that you can stand again and look people in the eye without fearing that you are tainted beyond redemption."
Kaoru turned and disappeared inside the house while Kenshin tilted his head up again to study the stars. Her words rang through his head with frightening clarity, breaking down any protective barriers he had built up for so long. Painful memories crashed through his mind but in the wake of such agony was a semblance of quietness he had not experienced in such a long time. It felt almost … freeing to have such stillness linger in the wake of holding back the anguish.
"I am tired of wandering," he told himself softly. And he was. Flitting from employer to employer with no purpose had worn him down. After all, a man needed a reason to live. But could he imagine himself tied down to one place for the rest of his life?
The mood to travel might come upon us again, an inner voice reminded him gently. There is no obligation. Let us stay here and see if we can learn about this peace that has eluded us for so long.
Kenshin brushed the hilt of his sword with his fingers briefly. The touch of the familiar, worn metal reassured him. He looked towards the front gate of the Kamiya Dojo. If he left now, he wouldn't have to relive the pain and suffer. He could resume his old life and live as a numb shell, safe from any emotional turmoil.
But today had changed things, thanks to a small slip of a girl who had displayed more courage than any other soldier he had seen on the battlefield. She was strong enough to stand on her convictions despite overwhelming odds and the threat of death.
Is it that frightening for you to realize that you aren't beyond being saved?
Kenshin breathed out slowly and pushed himself off the column. He had never before hesitated in making a decision and he wouldn't start now, even if it meant turning his entire life upside down.
Maybe you'll realize that you can stand again and look people in the eye without fearing that you are tainted beyond redemption.
Kenshin slowly turned and followed after Kaoru.
AN: I know the ending is a little abrupt and many questions still haven't been answered but I didn't feel as though this was the place to answer them. I have decided on a sequel, though, which should help in defining exactly who Kenshin is and what happened that made him the way he is. It will also focus more in his and Kaoru's relationship in the midst of some good ol' conflict.
In the meantime, I hope you've enjoyed the story as much as I loved writing it. This was the first time I've written something so different than what I've done before and it was a lot of fun. Thanks for your patience in waiting for the epilogue! If you have questions, feel free to pm or email me. :)