Title: Things to Do in Konoha When You're Dead
Rating: PG-13 or above, for Jiraiya doing what he does best
Characters: Jiraiya + some
Word Count: 916
Summary: Tsunade's life will never be peaceful again.
Author's Notes: Ever see the movie Ghost? ('cause actually, I didn't) Also, spoilers for manga chapter 382, though if you've read this far, you've probably already been spoiled. Sorry. Guess maybe next time you should keep up with the manga, shouldn't you?

Jiraiya was dead, and he wasn't very happy about it.

Aside from all the pain involved with dying, there was the fact that he would never get to properly say goodbye to Naruto. He would never get to write his masterpiece, "Icha-Icha Heaven". He would never get to enjoy another sip of sake. He would never get to relax in another onsen.

And worst of all, he would never have a chance to feel Tsunade's glorious assets.

Then again… he was able to think about these things, wasn't he? Maybe that meant he was some kind of a ghost. Jiraiya considered this briefly – briefly because consideration was never something he was very good at. Finally, realizing that thinking about it was getting him nowhere (which was where he already was) he tried actually going somewhere.

Pop!

Jiraiya found himself suddenly standing on the main street of Konoha, leading up to the Hokage's complex. A beautiful woman walked right through him, and Jiraiya blinked in confusion. He looked around. No one on the street appeared to see him. Jiraiya tried to poke at one of the passers-by, but his hand slid right through them.

The banner announcing Ichiraku Ramen hung over a building just to his left. With a sigh, Jiraiya walked through the crowd on the street (quite literally) and took an empty seat inside. Just to be polite.

He sat, brooding for a while. What good was it to be back if he couldn't do any of the things he wanted to do? Oh, sure, he could see and hear things, but he couldn't interact.

A bottle of sake sat on the counter in front of him, opened but unattended where the shopkeeper had left it after pouring for someone else. Jiraiya grabbed for it, and… Huh? His hand passed right through it, but the bottle moved just a little.

Could it be? He tried again, concentrating his chakra into his fingertips, or what he perceived as his fingertips anyway. And suddenly, the bottle felt solid in his grasp. All those years of ninja training did pay off in the end!

Wonder how far can I take this, he thought to himself. Focusing his chakra on his tongue as well, Jiraiya tipped the bottle back and drank from it. The delicious taste of sake filled his head, even as the liquid washed through his immaterial body and drenched the barstool beneath him. That reminds me, how is it that I'm sitting? Jiraiya discarded the thought at once. What did it really matter? He had sake! Jiraiya ignored the screams of the other patrons as a large sake bottle levitated itself out the door.

Chakra. Brilliant. Now, suddenly, all the things on Jiraiya's list were back within his reach. What to tackle first? Well, writing would be a hard one. Jiraiya still hadn't found a good story for "Icha-Icha Heaven", so that one went on the back burner. How about Naruto?

The fox-faced boy was easy enough to find, sitting in his apartment and eating instant ramen. Jiraiya sat down in a chair by the porch, ignoring the pile of clothes he was sitting in. He focused his chakra in his vocal chords.

"Naruto! Why aren't you out training?"

"AAAAAAAAAAGGHHH!!" Naruto jumped, spilling the hot noodles all over himself. He stared around wide-eyed, and then dropped into a hunted crouch and bounded out onto the porch, jumping to the next rooftop to get away from the voice in his apartment.

"Okay, that could have been handled a bit better, I suppose," Jiraiya said out loud. He shrugged his non-existent shoulders. Well, there would be plenty of time to talk to Naruto later, he supposed. Jiraiya wasn't going anywhere.

What else had been on that list? Oh, yes, onsen and Tsunade.

Onsen and Tsunade. Onsen and Tsunade. It hit Jiraiya like a hammer. He was a ghost. No one could see him. He could manipulate his chakra to allow him to touch things, feel things, as he wanted. He ran to the Hokage's complex as fast as he could.

When he arrived, he went straight to the women's baths. He knew right where they were, of course. He slipped inside to find it crowded with nubile young bodies. Nubile young bodies without a stitch of clothing. His mouth split into an enormous grin.

And there was Tsunade herself, relaxing in one of the deep baths. Ignoring his clothes, because they weren't really there anyway, Jiraiya climbed into the bath with her and sent threads of chakra webbing through his skin to let him experience the warm ecstasy of the onsen. Then, he began focusing chakra into his fingertips.

By the time she finally climbed out of the onsen, Tsunade's eyes were fixed in a wide-eyed stare, and her body was trembling from head to foot.

That night, Jiraiya crossed the last regret off his list. He went to visit Kakashi in his room. Kakashi had never trained with Jiraiya directly, but the hermit still felt a special affinity for the man. Kakashi had been the greatest student of the Namikaze Minato, the fourth Hokage, who had in turn been Jiraiya's greatest student of the time. Minato's son Naruto was student to both of them, of course. And in the most important arena of his life, writing, Jiraiya truly had no greater fan or protégé than Hatake Kakashi.

He knew the story of "Icha-Icha Heaven" now. And he knew JUST who was going to write it for him.