"ED"FELLAS
Rags to Riches
Ed, Edd n' Eddy slouched side-by-side on the hard pavement of the sidewalk while watching the kids of Cul-de-Sac engage in their playful activities, ignoring the Eds' obvious attempt at a scam, a crudely constructed "Lemonade" stand, now standing in its eighth hour behind the Eds, untouched and beginning to crawl with cockroaches and ants. A frustrated Eddy grumbled as his face began to form a bright red tint.
"Just look at em', no respect for a fella trying to make an upgrade in life with a good ol' fashioned scam! I'm growing sick and tired of going through this all the time!" Eddy growled.
Double D cleared his throat, "Well Eddy, perhaps we can try a different, less monotonous, approach to scamming the kids."
"Yeah Eddy…" Ed chimed in, "…besides, my mom always tells me to read a good book when I'm down in the dumps!"
Just as Eddy began to open his mouth to protest against Ed's surprisingly educational yet altogether unappealing consolation, the tall adolescent pulled a large book from pocket and dropped it on top of Eddy's head.
"Ed, where did you get such a massive book?" Double D exclaimed, he even being surprised at the uncommon bulk of the simple book.
"Aw, my mom gave it to me as a present so I could use it as a backscratcher instead of her toothbrush." Ed smiled.
Eddy, however, dazedly recovered from his short concussion and held the book in his hands to scan over the title, "How to have a life of success like a Mafia Gangster by Tony Soprano, hmm…success like a Mafia Gangster…good job, burr-head, you might have just copped us up a lucky break!"
Double D gasped, "The Mafia! Eddy, I've condoned many other rash and brusque schemes that you have concocted, but the Mafia! We're talking about the same deadly organization that has spawned such criminals as Al Capone, Charles 'Lucky' Luciano and John Gotti!"
"So what? They were all successful and respected at their scams, why shouldn't we?" Eddy interrupted.
"They were criminals, murderers, and extortionists!"
Eddy shrugged, "What's your point, Double D?"
Double D's jaw nearly dropped, "B-But, you're not even Italian!"
"How do you know? Nobody ever asked." Eddy grinned.
"Well are you?"
"No, but my Grandma always told me I looked like it."
Double D crossed his arms and turned his back, "Well I, for one, will have no part in this your heinous escapade!"
"Look Double D…" Eddy began as he walked over to his friend and slung his arm over his shoulder while Ed stood in the distance rolling and laughing in the dirt of a front lawn, "…all I'm saying is that we learn to get a little respect, fill our pockets with a little money and suck on jawbreakers for the rest of our lives. With this book teaching us, we'll have our own little syndicate right here in Peach Creek, don't you think Nazz will like that?"
The mention of Nazz's name caused Double D to begin to sweat, "Well…I always thought she'd be more attracted to me if I wore an Armani suit."
Eddy patted Double D's shoulder, "That's the ticket, my friend."
Turning his attention to Ed, Eddy yelled at the top of his lungs, "Hey Lumpy!"
Ed stopped rolling and looked up over to Eddy.
"C'mon, we've got a lot of planning to do over at my house!"
The Eds reclined in Eddy's room as Double D read aloud to first pages of the book, "Chapter One: Getting Started. Every Mafia syndicate has to start with a few close members either related by blood or strict friendship."
"That's us!" Ed guffawed.
Double D nodded, "Alrightee, next, there must be a strict base of operations."
"Hello?" Eddy gestured to his room.
Double D rolled his eyes, "This'll do…for now. Next we must have some form of power and enforcement, most namely…guns?"
"Oh, oh, like the Proton, nuclear-powered, plasma lasered, Space Rifle 3000 from the movie Revenge of the Alien Mutants?" Ed bellowed.
Eddy slapped Ed upside the back of his head, "No, stupid, real guns, like the cops use."
"But who will sell guns to three twelve-year-olds?" Double D reasonably inquired.
"That's what the Internet and my dad's credit card is for." Eddy grinned, pulling out his dad's credit card from his pocket.
Double D raised an eyebrow, "Okay…well, now we need to choose a strict method of business."
"That's easy, scams!" Eddy smiled.
Double D shook his head, "We're going to have to up ante, Eddy. Our regular scamming method hasn't gotten us anywhere for nearly a decade!"
Eddy crossed his arms, "Yeah, you're right, but what else can we do?"
Double D and Eddy engaged in a quiet train-of-thought till Ed finally spoke up, "I know! Why don't we make money by forcing Kevin to give us his dad's weekly shipment of jawbreakers from his job and then we sell it to the kids at even higher price!"
Double D and Eddy were both shocked and stunned by Ed's random yet well-thought and scripted plan.
"Will you ever cease to amaze me Ed?" Eddy laughed, running his hand through Ed's burry hair.
"Yes I will." The simple-minded lummox replied.
"Wait a second, we can't simply force Kevin on our own. We'll need to be more convincing, if you know what I mean?"
"Relax Double D…" Eddy chuckled while reaching under his bed and pulling out a laptop computer, "…my aunt bought me this for my birthday, but since I hate computers so much, I always thought of it as a piece of trash, but since I know that you're handy with all this technical junk…"
"I see where you're going, you want me to order guns over the Internet using your dad's credit card?" Double D queried contemptuously.
"Correction. You will be ordering the guns over the Internet while I hand over the credit card numbers." Eddy snickered, handing Double D the laptop.
"Sometimes I hate being the smart one." Double D muttered as he opened the laptop and turned it on.
The next day, after going home for the night, Double D and Ed returned back to Eddy's house and entered through his backyard as an easy access route to his nearby room. Eddy, who had been already eagerly awaiting their arrival, stood at the entrance.
"C'mon guys, quick, it's already here!" Eddy excitedly exclaimed.
Double D and Ed rushed, alongside with Eddy, into his room and up to a large box-shaped package in the middle of the room. Eddy tore at the duct tape that held the package shut and opened the panels to reveal a heap of different types of guns all crammed together within the box's limited space.
Eddy snickered, "Get ready boys, this is the first day of the rest of our lives!"
Kevin had his shirt off as he was taking a water break from mowing his front lawn when all of a sudden the Eds approached him in the middle of gulping down the cool liquid from his water bottle."What do you want, dorks?" Kevin snidely greeted.
Eddy grinned as he stood in front of Kevin, "Kev, how ya doing? You know, we're all reasonable guys with reasonable requests, which is why I'd like to ask you, if you would be so kind as to…GIVE US EVERY SHIPMENT OF JAWBREAKERS YOUR DAD GETS FROM HIS JOB!"
Kevin looked at Eddy, Ed and Double D then burst into laughter, "You dorks must be kidding me! Like I would really give every shipment of my dad's jawbreakers to you three twerps!"
Eddy sighed, "Yeah, we were afraid you would say that Kev…"
All of sudden, Eddy pulled out a Beretta and held it to Kevin's head, "MAYBE THIS'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND!"
"Whoa, whoa, chill out man!" Kevin cried out in fear.
"The jawbreakers, Kev, your dad's new shipment every week on my doorstep, got that?" Eddy yelled.
Johnny, meanwhile, had been walking on the sidewalk leading up to Kevin's front lawn when he inadvertently came across the scene, "What's going on here!"
Johnny's presence caught everyone by surprise.
"Take care of it, Ed!" Eddy yelled while still assailing Kevin.
Ed pulled out a double-barrel shotgun from inside his jacket and pointed at Johnny, "Nothing to see here, bucko!"
"Holy cow! Head for the hills, Plank!" Johnny screamed as he and Plank ran off.
Eddy turned his attention back to Kevin, "Now where were we…?"
"Okay, okay! I'll give you every shipment each week, just stop pointing that gun at me, man!" Kevin sputtered.
Eddy gave a snicker, "Good job, Kev, that's what I like to hear." He pulled back the Beretta and gave Kevin a soft pat on his cheek, "Double D, give him the numbers!"
Double D cleared his throat, "You approximately have six more days from this Monday to turn in the shipment of jawbreakers on Eddy's doorstep this following Monday, Kevin. We will expect it to be there or else there will be consequences."
Kevin nodded nervously.
"Oh, and one more thing, Kev…" Eddy began, "…be sure not to make a scene in front of your folks, it would be a shame for your family to mess up business cause then, that'll make our little partnership invalid, and when our partnership becomes invalid, your life becomes invalid, get the picture?"
Kevin nodded again.
"Good." Eddy smiled as he, Double D and Ed walked away.
That following Monday, eight large packages arrived on Eddy's doorstep, as scheduled; the Eds moved them into Eddy's room and opened the packages to reveal the load of jawbreakers that it held within.
"Oh my…l-look at the j-jawbreakers!" Eddy stammered.
Hypnotized by the plethora of candied spheres, Ed, salivating at the lips, made a notion to take one until Double D slapped his hand away.
"C'mon, be self-controlled, you two! Don't you remember the whole business plan?" Double D reprimanded.
"B-But, I've never seen so many…" Eddy swooned.
"I realize that it's tempting right now, but when we get the money from all of this we can go and buy all our own, remember?"
Eddy blinked then slapped himself across the face, "You know what? You're right Double D, I must have forgot. Let's get it crackin' boys!"
For the kids of the Cul-de-Sac, it was yet another day of play and fun under the bright and sunny day when the Eds made their usually task of setting up shop right near their neighborly playground. Holding large brown bags full of jawbreakers over the shoulders, Double D and Ed watched Eddy as he called out to the kids through a microphone.
"Hey everybody, tired of making a long and tiring walk to the Candy Store all the time, well now, we, the Eds, have brought the Candy Store's favorite treat right here to the Cul-de-Sac, Jawbreakers, for everyone!"
The mention of Jawbreakers seemed to stop even time as the astonished kids paused to conceive the thought of nearby Jawbreakers before rushing over to the Eds.
"Ed boys, I would like one Jawbreaker!" Rolf exclaimed as he shoved to the front of the crowd of kids.
"Okay Rolf, that'll be $20.00s!" Eddy grinned.
"$20.00s!" Sarah yelled, "That's the biggest rip-off I've ever heard!"
"Yeah…" Nazz added, "…the Candy Store sells one for at least a dollar."
"But you don't understand, these Jawbreakers are a new kind, fresh from the market! Longer lasting flavor and sweeter taste! Developed in the jungles of Indonesia by…uhhh… genetically smartened Chimpanzees!" Eddy solicited.
"Hmm…longer lasting flavor?" Rolf rubbed his chin.
"Hmm…sweeter taste?" Sarah probed.
"Hmm…genetically smartened Chimpanzees?" Johnny smiled.
"Fine, I'll take one." Jimmy spoke as he handed over a twenty-dollar bill, "I guess my week's allowance is worth it."
"Me too." Johnny spoke up.
"Me also." Nazz waved a twenty-dollar bill.
Soon, all the kids gave out twenty-dollar bills to Eddy, who more than happily took them and grinned over at Double D and Ed, "Okay boys, give the people what they want."
So this went for the rest of the week, the mass quantity of Jawbreakers the Eds possessed made their business boom from the increasing demands of the kids and the whole allowances they spent on the spherical pieces of candy. After two weeks, the Eds had already raked in about one grand of profits from their scam.
Now wearing a Gucci tailored suit and tie along with polished shoes, Eddy walked up to Kevin's house, four weeks later, and rang his doorbell. Kevin, apprehensively, opened his door, "W-What do you want now?"
"Nothing Kev…" Eddy smiled, "…just giving you your share in keeping compliant with the whole business."
Eddy reached into his pocket and pulled out a rolled up wad of cash then handed it to Kevin, "That's $150 right there, keep up the good work, Kev and you might get a raise."
Kevin gave an uneasy smile, "Th-Thanks, Mr. Eddy, sir."
Eddy shook his head, "No, no, call me Don Eddy, my boy. It gives…more of a professional sound."
Kevin nodded, "Thanks, Don Eddy."
Eddy smiled then walked away as Kevin simultaneously shut the door behind him. Double D and Ed, both dressed in Armani and Versace suits respectively, stood waiting on the sidewalk in front of Kevin's yard as Eddy rejoined them.
"Ah, life is good, aint it boys?" Eddy laughed as the trio walked down the sidewalk.
"Well, mother always told me to find a good paying profession." Double D responded.
"Get Nazz's number, yet?"
Double D blushed, "Well, I haven't really asked yet."
"Aw relax, you'll reel her in easily as we pull in more money over time, Double D."
"Have you thought up of a way to expand our business?" Double D questioned.
Eddy nodded, "I've heard, from a little source of mine, that there is a little bad blood going around the Cul-de-Sac, maybe we can capitalize on it by doing some certain 'favors' for some certain people."
"Does this mean I get to use my baseball bat?" Ed asked.
Eddy slung his right arm over Ed's shoulder, "Yep, big guy, you finally get to use those good hitting skills that got you kicked off the school Baseball team for."
He then slung his left arm over Double D's shoulder, "Oh yeah, and guess what? I got a little contact from a Mafia boss outside Peach Creek whose eye has been caught by our work, says his name is Michael Corleone or something, he knew my older brother."
"Congratulations Eddy!" Double D smiled.
Eddy smiled and took a deep breath as he and the Eds walked into the horizon of the setting, evening sun, "Yeah boys, I have a good feeling that we were meant for this Mafia business."
"Did I ever tell you guys that Italian food gives me gas?" Ed spoke.
THE END
Stay tuned for Part Two of "ED"FELLAS: Money, Power and Jawbreakers!