Author's Note: It's the fi-nal count-down! Not really, though, it's the final chapter. To be more specific, it's the epilogue. I can't believe it took me four years to write seven of these - that is exceedingly pathetic.
Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans
Sunday, 28th August 1977
Lillers,
Good morning, beautiful!
As you already know, I don't get to see you today. I know that this is tragic, but please refrain from jumping off your roof and crashing into the rhododendron bushes below your window, thus needlessly ending your life. Hang in there! You can do it! I believe in you!
I'm writing you a letter in order to fill the gaping chasm my absence has left in your very soul. You were probably thinking about comfort eating but I know for a fact that comfort eating doesn't work, and then the fridge ends up empty and before you know it your mother is smacking you round the back of the head with a rolled-up newspaper and you're spending your savings on a weekly grocery shop. Writing to me to ease your pain would work out a lot better for the both of us. Now, I know that a letter just doesn't cut the mustard (How do you cut mustard? I want to know. Is there some kind of Muggle method?) when the alternative is having me with you instead, but I hereby promise on Godric Gryffindor's legacy itself that I will be with you tomorrow no matter what fresh horror of a family event my mother tries to drag me to. I am only going with her today because she guilted me into it.
My mother really wants to meet you, by the way. Are you scared? I would be. She throws ice cubes down the back of my shirt when I lean my elbows on the table at dinner. That's just not normal for a woman her age.
I miss you, midget,
James x
Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter
Sunday, 28th August 1977
James,
I am actually going to attempt… to write you a love letter. Don't even think about laughing at me.
I am not frightened to meet your mother at all and if her supposed ill-treatment of you is any indication of her everyday behaviour I will love her madly. My table manners are impeccable. Plus, she's sure to be grateful to me for finally taking her idiot son off her hands.
I miss you too. So much.
Lily x
PS. You don't cut mustard. Idiot.
Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans
Sunday, 28th August 1977
Lily,
This isn't to say that I would ever even think to criticize anything you do or any idea you might take into your pretty little head, but that really wasn't much of a love letter at all. I wouldn't have known it was a love letter at all if you hadn't told me because it was lacking in anything that might have indicated as much. It was more like a pre-emptive… love sneeze, and not much of a sneeze at that. Your love tissue is barely even snotty. I'm in absolutely no danger of catching love flu from your disappointingly snotless love tissue and quite frankly, darling, you're no good at this sort of thing.
I suggest you research the matter further and get back to me with a love letter of more substance and sentimental phlegm. I shall then, of course, reply with a letter of my own that will be infinitely better, the kind of letter that could erect spontaneous mountains in the middle of nowhere and upend people's homes by the sheer power of emotion. It'll be so good, you'll catch love pneumonia and be forced to travel to the love hospital and visit the love doctor. I'm the love doctor, by the way. That was the point of this whole spiel, to let you know that.
My mummy loves me and she'll never want to let me go! How dare you even suggest such a horrible thing?
Laughing at you,
James xx
Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter
Sunday, 28th August 1977
James,
I think it's really disgusting that you would compare our relationship to a snot-rag and even more so that you can shamelessly refer to yourself as a 'love doctor'. It makes you sound like a lounge lizard. Please bear in mind that if you grow your hair out long and start crooning Tom Jones songs in seedy bars whilst sporting a smoking jacket and occasionally holding a rose between your teeth, I will end you and then I will end us. Forever.
I am fully aware of the fact that I didn't include the aforementioned love letter in my last letter, Potter. That was merely an official notification that you would be receiving one soon. I can't follow up a sentence as acerbic as 'don't even think about laughing at me' with a pile of emotional mush. If you weren't already aware of this, it is rather difficult to fill a letter full of warmth and emotion when you have a boyfriend who laughs at you constantly. I thought that warning you in advance might help you prepare yourself in the event that you might want to roll around on the floor giggling at your silly girlfriend and the stupid letter she wrote you that expressed all of her deepest feelings for you.
It doesn't matter anyway because you're not getting one now.
You are ridiculously competitive to the point where you will add one more kiss than I did after your name when you sign off, just to beat me. Don't think I didn't notice that. You are far too old to be stooping to this level of petty competition. And I am completely and utterly right about your mother.
Lily xxx
Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans
Sunday, 28th August 1977
Lily,
What is a lounge lizard? Some sort of Muggle animal who inhabits the living room? Furthermore, who is this Tom Jones person and why are you so clearly planning to leave me for him? If he so much as thinks about going after you I'll kick his bloody stupid arse from here to the Slytherin common room and LEAVE HIM THERE. I'll leave him there with Mulciber and his lazy eye. That'll teach Tom Jones not to attempt to steal my woman again, Lily, you mark my words.
I would never laugh at a love letter you sent me, you daft cow. I'd pretend to laugh if any of the boys saw me reading it, perhaps, but I wouldn't really laugh. I'd treasure it like a great big mushy baby. If there's any part of your brain telling you that I would actually laugh at a love letter you sent me as opposed to keeping it and reading it constantly and walking around with a stupid, sappy smile on my face for the next fifty years, you're absolutely mental. Don't take that lightly, either; that's a hard thing for any bloke to admit, especially a manly man such as myself.
I only laugh at you constantly because you're magnificent when you're angry and laughing at you makes you angry. Also, because you got your foot stuck in the cat's food bowl and fell flat on your face in the middle of your garden just as I was being formally introduced to your parents for the first time ever. Anyone would have laughed. How this suddenly translated to me laughing at you constantly (your liberal use of underlining is ridiculous) is beyond me. You are mental.
I'm just trying to demonstrate how my love grows with every second that passes, I swear! Also, you're losing!
James xxxx
PS. I have written something monumentally stupid in each and every letter I've sent you since the start of summer. Literally every time I sent the owl away with a letter for you I'd immediately want to rush down to the garden pond and drown myself for being such a bastard. Especially during the earlier ones, which were even more stupidly perverted than I could even comprehend and, I dunno, made me want to cry blood or something. How you actually ended up falling for me is something beyond even what my imagination can stretch to. I am incredibly lucky and grateful and sorry for always being such a prat. Forgive me?
AND GIVE ME MY LETTER! I WANT!
Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter
Sunday, 28th August 1977
James,
A lounge lizard is a slimy cabaret singer type of person who preys on women and does hideous things like finger guns. I've seen you do finger guns before so this obviously makes you a lounge lizard. I won't be surprised if you get your ear pierced all of a sudden; it'll all be part of your subtle transformation from regular James to grotesque James. And Tom Jones, for your information, is a Welsh recording artist who has never seen me before in his life. Your jealousy issues are really quite disturbing and I think you should see somebody about them.
(Don't tell anyone, but I like that you get jealous. Furthermore, were you to actually see somebody concerning your jealousy issues I'd prefer that person to be a man because I don't like the idea of you revealing intimate secrets to other women; it makes me want to throw things at the wall.)
You are a sap. I can't believe my boyfriend is such a... girl. Shame on you! Man up! How am I supposed to show my face in school on Monday if I'm on the arm of a Weeping Wendy? I'll lose my credibility amongst the womenfolk of the school and McGonagall won't want me to be a Head student any longer and they'll give the job to Philomena Yaxley instead and I know how you hate Philomena Yaxley. You keep telling me that you're a manly man with big muscles and nerves of steel and now you spring this on me three days before we go back? I don't even...
Disgusted with you right now,
Lily xxxxx
PS. I fell for you because you are amazing, you stupid boy. Stop thinking that your letters were stupid - they made me laugh and I kept rereading them over and over and getting mad at myself for doing it because it was entirely too hard to keep denying to myself that I had feelings for you - you're such a persistent little bugger. I'm glad I didn't keep denying it; you really are kind of super. You're also very good at impressing my parents, and at climbing up my drainpipe at two in the morning without anybody in my house noticing, and you're especially good at horrifying my sister. I love that you can somehow horrify my sister without so much as uttering a rude word to her; that's a pretty specialized talent you've got there.
Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans
Sunday, 28th August 1977
Lily,
In spite of the fact that my father is a Muggle music aficionado and has a massive record collection in his study that does, indeed, include the major works of Tom Jones, I still refuse to believe this. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to put my trust in you, won't I?
When have you ever seen me do finger guns, excepting for when I play Quidditch or hanging about with the lads or when I'm deliberately attempting to annoy you? You ought to stop making up such dirty lies because you'll be found out and nobody will trust you anymore and then I'll be forced to do finger guns all the time just to restore your reputation as a paragon of purity and truth. This is the extent to which I will sacrifice myself for you, Lily, aren't you just the luckiest girl on the planet?
I'm not even going to dignify your slights on my masculinity with a response. Ouch!
Hurt by your cruel remarks,
James xxxxxx
PS. I'm going to take that postscript as a mini love letter and there's nothing you can do about it except come over here, to my aunt's house, and wrestle it from my fingers, which would be difficult because I've got a very strong grip and you have no idea where my aunt's house is. Also, you would not endear yourself to my family by coming over unannounced and beating me up. Nobody but my mother would appreciate that.
Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter
Sunday, 28th August 1977
James,
I absolutely demand that you escape your aunt's house and come over right now. My mother is on duty at the hospital today and my father just left to go out with his mates and I have no idea where Petunia is but the fact of the matter is that I am alone in the house, which is something that hasn't happened since… Thursday and come Wednesday we'll be back at school and we'll never get a minute to ourselves because there is always somebody around, poking their nose in my business.
Actually, you're normally the one who is always hanging around and poking his nose in my business but that hardly matters now, does it? We're meant to be Head students this year and we'll never get any work done if I keep diving on you during meetings because we haven't had enough time to ourselves during the week.
So, just… come over right now because I miss you.
Lily xxxxxxx
PS. Feel free to take it in whatever way you want, just get your arse over here now.
Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans
Sunday, 28th August 1977
Lily,
I will more than happily come over if you can give me a good enough reason to. As you know, my mother insisted that I come to this party in order to see the members of my extended family because we're very rarely in contact with them and this is very important to her. I simply cannot defy her and leave such a crucial event unless I have ample reason to, so I'm afraid you're going to have to beg me.
James xxxxxxxx
PS. Did you happen to know that my girlfriend is the most beautiful girl in the world? And that's only the least of what I love about her.
Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter
Sunday, 28th August 1977
James,
Sugarplum, munchkin, sweetheart,
Stop being such a bastard.
I am not going to beg you for anything, not ever. What kind of woman do you take me for? I simply expect you to be a good boyfriend and do as you're told and GET HERE now before Petunia gets back and ruins everything. She doesn't know that you slept in my bed on Friday night but I'm sure she suspects and she'd probably tell my parents if she saw you turn up when they were both gone. At least if you get here before she does we can go out or something and she'd never have to know you were here. We could go into town and have lunch! Like a proper date! Or we could go to the cinema, have you ever been to a cinema? It's sunny outside so we could go to the lake and have a picnic, too.
Or we could just hide in my bedroom and kiss? I bet you can't do any kissing at your aunt's house, can you?
I sincerely hope you can't,
Lily xxxxxxxxx
PS. ! ! ! ! ! ! You're the best boyfriend ever!
Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans
Sunday, 28th August 1977
Lily,
Darling, sunshine, angel,
If you're not going to beg, then you mustn't really want me to go, and I can hardly waste my time turning up to your house if I'm only half-wanted, can I? Furthermore, this Petunia business all sounds very dodgy and I'd hate to land you in trouble with your lovely parents, so perhaps I'll just stay where I am for now. I just haven't been fully convinced that you really want me there, you know?
Of course there is no kissing going on in my aunt's house, unless you're talking about the icky kind of kissing that goes on when your aunt demands you plant one on her cheek. That happened earlier. It was kind of disgusting because Sheila has a really hairy face (you've got such lovely, soft skin, now that I mention it) and obviously hasn't ever been informed that there are spells for that kind of thing. It's really unpleasant, kissing somebody with stubble. I'll take extra care to shave every single morning from now on, all for your benefit.
Also, you are the only person in the world who I would ever want to kiss, and you always will be.
James xxxxxxxxxx
PS. I know, I'm well brilliant!
Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter
Sunday, 28th August 1977
James,
You're being really mean. No fair.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxx
Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans
Sunday, 28th August 1977
Lily,
It's merely my crippling ego problem making a shocking reappearance, darling. I'm really just trying to get you to write loads of nice things about how you think I'm marvellous because my head just isn't inflated enough. Once my ego has been boosted to the brim, I'll come and see you, so get to complimenting.
I might just add that you knew about my massive ego before you asked me to be your boyfriend (I can't wait to tell everyone at school that you asked me and not the other way around, you loser) so you can't go crying about it now, nor can you dump me for it.
James xxxxxxxxxxxx
Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter
Sunday, 28th August 1977
James,
I have made peace with your ego problem, unfortunately. It must be a sign of how much I have mentally regressed if I am prepared to put up with your awful overconfidence and even find it slightly charming, or very charming, depending on my mood. That in itself is a compliment so you better savour it. I am so annoyed with you right now that I'm not prepared to give you any more for at least the rest of our lives.
Do not attempt to underestimate my abilities. I can get you to come over here in less than a proper sentence, and I absolutely will do so if you continue to push me to it.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans
Sunday, 28th August 1977
Midget,
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? You think so?
Go on, then. Give it your best shot. I shall remain unmoved.
James xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter
Sunday, 28th August 1977
James,
I love you.
Lily x
Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans
Sunday, 28th August 1977
Lily,
… I'll be there in five minutes.
Love you too,
James x
A/N: FOUR WHOLE YEARS, THIS STORY TOOK TO FINISH. WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH ME?