Song Used: Addicted, by Kelly Clarkson

This is a different story then anything I've ever written before… I guess I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing... I guess you can decide, huh?

Slash warning (depending on if you consider Akito a girl or boy)

It's Like I'm Not Me

It's like I'm lost, it's like I'm giving up slowly…

A nightmare.

An overwhelming illusion of sleep.

A storm outside my bedroom window.

The influence?

Perhaps.

A hand on my shoulder.

A single word.

A single, awakening word.

"Akito…"

It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me, leave me alone…

I awake.

I look up.

I mutter a single question.

A single, painful question.

"Why are you here?"

I hear a laugh.

I close my eyes.

The thunder opens them again.

"Were you having a bad dream?"

I try to remember.

But I fail.

And I do not want to tell him anyway.

I want him out.

"Leave," I say. "Leave," I command.

His reply:

"You know you want me to stay the night."

And he is right.

But he cannot know.

And I know these voices in my head, I'm not alone…

He lies down next to me.

I want it.

But I must not.

"Why are you here?"

The question repeats itself.

"Why not?"

A smart reply.

But I cannot tolerate it.

I stand, head for the door.

Leave him there.

And I know I'll never change my ways if I don't give you enough…

"Why are you leaving?"

It seems to be more of an accusation than a question.

I sigh.

"I don't know."

I want to cry.

It is much too hard to deny.

To give up.

"Stay."

It is a command.

I obey.

It's like I can't breathe, it's like I can't see anything

"What do you want from me?"

He stands, walks over to me.

"You know what I want."

I cannot.

I want to.

But I must not.

Must not…

I toy with him.

I lead him on.

I allow him to run his hand through my hair, down my waist.

Once.

Or twice?

Nothing but you, I'm addicted to you.

He pushed me against the wall.

Slowly.

Gently.

I can feel his breath on my face.

I feel like I will suffocate.

But resistance is impossible…

He presses his body against mine.

I stare into his eyes.

I feel like I am falling into nothing.

I hear a sentence.

Quiet, but still there.

Three words.

Three words with more meaning then tangible.

"I love you."

It's like I can't think without you interrupting me

His body is against me.

I cannot escape.

I am not sure how to answer.

I clear my throat.

His lips brush against mine.

Lightly, the first time.

Harder the next.

And the next.

"We need to stop."

In my thoughts, in my dreams, you've taken over me

"Akito…"

That word again.

The way he says my name.

My stomach drops.

I swallow hard.

The storm is plowing on.

And on.

My forehead sweats.

"Relax, Akito…"

It is a command.

I obey.

He moves closer to me.

If that is possible.

It's like I'm not me… It's like I'm not me…

And he keeps kissing me.

And I cannot escape.

I cannot pull away.

I cannot speak.

Secretly…

I do not mind.

I put my hands on his shoulders, his chest.

He wraps his arms around me.

My mouth feels wet.

I want more.

I need more.

I kiss back.

I'm hooked on you, I need a fix, I can't take it

Eyes closed, he pulls me across the room.

Onto my bed.

I try to argue.

His hand is in my shirt.

I try to ignore it.

I even try to escape.

I am on top of him.

Just a little longer.

Then I will leave.

Just one more hit, I promise I can do it…

I stand, he follows as if he is attached to me.

Secretly…

I was hoping he would never let go.

I swear at myself.

I try half-heartedly to pull away.

But I do not want to.

Half of me is happy.

Half is regretting.

Just a little longer…

I'll handle it, quit it, just one more time, then that's it

"Do you want me to stay?"

The question makes my heart pound.

My head throb.

"Yes."

He smiles, runs his hand down my arms.

Lies down.

I lie next to him.

He repeats those words.

Those bitter-sweet words.

"I love you, Akito."

My throat catches.

"I love you, Shigure."

I fall asleep.

The storm settles, calms.

Just a little bit more to get me through this…