CHAPTER 1: TRANSFIGURATION

"Ahem, as I was saying - I'm sorry Mister Malfoy is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?" Professor McGonagall's sheer shriek rose over the classroom.

Draco Malfoy looked over from where he sat, talking animatedly to Frederick Nott and shook his head, "No, just with Nott," he answered with a smirk.

Professor McGonagall gave him a look of absolute surprise and shrugged. "Well, could you please do it a little quieter, then? I'm sure Miss Granger and Mister Potter can hear you speaking about them."

Hermione Granger and Harry Potter nodded their heads from the front row. Of course they could hear them; everyone could hear them.

Hermione turned around and glared at Malfoy, but he only smirked at her. Hermione stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry at him before turning around and focusing herself at Professor McGonagall again.

"Well, that wasn't very mature," she heard Malfoy hiss from behind her.

"Well neither is what you're saying about me," Hermione whispered back.

"What, that you're a filthy Mudblood? That's not immature, Granger, that's the truth."

Hermione stood up so suddenly that Harry screamed like a little girl and the table the two of them were sitting at flipped forwards. "SHUT UP YOU INCONSIDERATE LITTLE FERRET!" she screamed at Malfoy.

Malfoy looked at the girl now standing directly in front of him, glad that there was a table there, for he was sure if there hadn't been she would have pounced on him; which wouldn't be so bad, Malfoy thought, then suddenly burst out laughing. Uncontrollably. And when you're laughing uncontrollably and someone wants to kill you it doesn't mix very well.

Anywho, Hermione's rage only grew as her blood (her dirty blood, mind you) started to boil. "WHAT IS SO FUNNY?" she yelled.

Ron looked over at the pale boy rolling around on the floor laughing and gave him a confused look, "Yes, I think we'd all like to know what is so funny."

Professor McGonagall looked strangely at her class, from the flipped over table in the front row, to Harry Potter cowering behind it, to Hermione Granger, who was always known to control herself, looking as though she could kill, to the orange monkey sitting outside the window, and then to Malfoy, who was laughing himself into an early grave. She let out a heavy sigh.

"Mister Malfoy please cease and desist; Miss Granger please take a seat," and with a flick of her wand she put the table right-side up again, "Mister Potter please stop acting like a little schoolgirl and Weasley stop looking at him as though you like it!" she snapped.

Ron's ears grew red and he hunched over in his seat.

Malfoy stopped laughing for a second and looked around the classroom, from Weaselby sitting hunched over in his seat, looking very ashamed, to Potty, who looked as though he could cry, to the orange monkey sitting outside the window, and finally to Granger, whose hair was in complete disarray and whose face resembled the color of a tomato.

Then Malfoy remembered McGonagall's words, echo-ey voice Plleeeeaassse ceeeeeasssse annnnnnnnd deeesssissst /echo-ey voice, and started laughing again.

Hermione was sick of him laughing, plus it was sort of making her want to snog him, so, because she was so sick of the ignorant prat, she decided to jump on him. Yes, my dear reader, you read correctly. Hermione Granger jumped on Draco Malfoy and began to hit every inch of him she could.

Although, she is a witch, isn't she? Couldn't she have just cursed him from where she stood?

Anywho, in all of the commotion no one noticed Crabbe and Goyle sneak out the door of the Transfiguration classroom. Like I said, no one noticed.

Malfoy looked completely astonished as the Mudblood jumped on him and started to hit him everywhere. Fortunately, it didn't hurt; unfortunately, he now couldn't move because she was sitting on him. Although, she didn't really weigh all that much; I'm sure if Malfoy wanted to he could just push her off.

But alas, this is a deranged and demented fan fic, so he doesn't.

Once again, Professor McGonagall looked around her classroom, from Hermione Granger sitting on Malfoy and hitting him, to Longbottom sitting on the cupboard, sucking his thumb, to Weasley and Potter sitting on the desk whispering sweet nothings to each other, to the orange monkey sitting outside the window, and sighed again.

"Fine, I'll let you in, as long as you promise to behave," she said as she walked to the window and opened it, letting the little monkey inside the classroom, which was sort of its normal habitat at the moment, since it somewhat resembled a zoo.

Everyone suddenly stopped moving: Hermione stopped hitting Draco, Harry and Ron stopped snogging, Neville stopped rocking back and forth, and they all looked towards the monkey.

The monkey sat for a moment on the window sill, looking around at them all, he then held up one hand and made the "peace" gesture.

Everyone screamed and ran for the door. I don't know; something about that monkey. Anyway, they all screamed and ran towards the door, all trying to squeeze out at once. Even McGonagall. No, I don't know why. I guess the monkey scared her as well.

Where were we? Oh yes. Everyone is trying to squeeze out of the three foot wide door at the same time. Doesn't really work since there's about twenty of them. But finally, the two people who are stuck at the front (Harry and Ron, of course, who would have guessed?) fall forwards - onto their faces of course, it just wouldn't be a good story if no one got hurt - and were trampled by the wild rampage of students as they ran away from the terrifying – err, monkey.

But alas, our extremely friendly friends Harry and Ron are still alive. But no one cares because they're all running out of the castle screaming, "We're going streaking!"

Wait, is it possible that our little fury friend (the monkey, not Snape) actually iwasn't/i the cause of terror? Perhaps when the window opened, the outside looked so good they all knew they just had to run naked in it? (Hey, that's what I would do.)

So, as they ran down the stairs, through the Entrance Hall, and out of the great Oak Doors, the twenty something kids all threw off their clothes and ran around naked: playing tag, swimming in the lake, doing lunges... I mean, NOT doing lunges.

Well, perhaps doing lunges; these Hogwarts kids can get pri-tee crazy.

Wasn't that a sight?

Now our dear little monkey friend has the Transfiguration classroom all to himself. How cool. What shall he do? Well, what all monkeys do of course! Throw poop! Fortunately, there's no one in the room to throw poop at, unfortunately, in the hurry to get outside and get naked, McGonagall left the door to the corridor wide open.

So, the monkey walked slowly out the door, poop in hand, and looked for a victim. And who should come walking down the hallway, but none other than our greasy haired Snape.

SPLAT! Right in the face. How much would that stink? Literally. Ha. Poor Snapey-Poo.

Snape jumped back in surprise and yelled, "AUGH!" which in Snape language is short for, "You stupid monkey! I'm going to get you and hang you by your toenails! Then I shall kill you and fry and eat your brains!"

Snape's odd, isn't he?

But then he spotted the open window! Uh-oh... When Snape saw how good it looked outside he knew he just had to go run naked!

He ran down the corridor, down the staircase, through the Entrance Hall, out the Oak Doors - throwing clothes off as he did so - and with that he ran right to the edge of the lake and jumped in, screaming, "We're going streaking!"