CHAPTER 11: KISS ME YOU FOOL

Everyone cheered as they ran into the Great Hall. A band was suddenly on stage and it began to play as soon as they stepped foot into the door.

The Crabbe's and Goyle's moved quickly through the crowd to get to the food table, maniacal grins in place.

Gilderoy Lockhart was standing in the middle of the dance floor, looking a little confused, but like he was having fun nonetheless when Professor Snape saw him and gave an agonized cry.

"YOU!" he yelled.

Lockhart looked around him for a moment. "Me?"

"Yes, you!" Snape said, outraged. "You killed Tickle!"

Remember the orange monkey? Poor thing.

Lockhart looked confused. "Did I?"

Snape pulled his wand out of his robes and pointed it at Lockhart. "Yes! You did!"

Lockhart shrugged. "Sorry."

Snape stood for a moment, deliberating, but then slowly lowered his wand. "Apology accepted," he said and then walked back through the crowd to sit and mourn the loss of his dear friend.

Draco Malfoy was standing near the food table drinking a glass of punch when three extremely angry girls stormed up to him.

"So, have you decided?" Hermione said, angrily.

"Yeah who's it going to be, Draco?" Ginny said just as mad.

"PICK ONE!" Pansy screamed.

Draco put his hands out, palms toward the girls, as though this helped the situation, and took a step back.

"Look I -"

But he was cut short as an angry growl rippled through the Great Hall.

"You always do that!" someone shouted. It sounded like Harry.

Probably because it was.

Harry and Ron were standing in the middle of the dance floor, glaring at each other with angry eyes.

"It's like you can't dance one measly song without stepping on my feet!" Harry yelled angrily.

Ron looked at him acidly. "Well it's a bit hard to dance with someone so short!"

"Excuse me!" Harry said, rolling his body and snapping.

"You heard me!" Ron snapped back.

They glared at each other for a long moment.

"Well that settles it then. We're breaking up," Harry said.

"I guess so," was all Ron replied.

Draco raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment.

"Okay," he said to the girls, who were all looking at Harry and Ron stare at each other in the middle of the dance floor.

"Okay, I pick Hermione," Draco said.

Hermione turned back to him with a look that clearly said she didn't care.

"Actually," she said, stepping towards Harry and Ron, "I'm not into you anymore."

With that she turned and ran, slamming into Ron and wrapping her arms around him.

"I always loved Hermione, anyway," Ron said to Harry before kissing Hermione.

Draco raised an eyebrow again, and again, didn't comment.

"Okay, then. I choose Ginny."

The red haired girl looked at him for a moment, then said, "Naw, it's okay," and ran over to Harry, throwing her arms around him and kissing him all over the face.

Harry sneered at Ron. "Well, I always loved Ginny," he murmured and then kissed Ginny back.

Draco raised both eyebrows. This was not something he was used to.

He never got rejected. But to be rejected by two girls on the same night? Utterly insane.

He turned to Pansy. "Well, I choose you then, I guess."

Pansy looked at him for a long moment. "Actually, I think you deserve someone better."

She then proceeded to walk around the entire Hall to the other side where Snape sat mourning, took his face in her hands, and kissed him fiercely.

Wow. That's not a pairing you see very often.

Draco's eyes were wide. Three girls? What was the world coming to?

He sighed and shook his head.

Suddenly, a streak of blonde hair and colorful dress robes flashed past him.

Lucius Malfoy flew across the floor of the Great Hall – someone had spilled their punch – and into the wall on the other side.

He groaned as he attempted to get up. "Master?" he asked, confused.

Voldemort sighed and walked in a rather provocative manner over to him. "What is it, Lucius?"

Lucius looked a bit taken aback. "Err… I just… wanted to inform you that the other Death Eaters are doing exactly what you told them not to do."

Voldemort's eyed opened in shock. "Trying on my lingerie!"

Everyone in the Great Hall gasped.

Lucius raised an eyebrow. "No," he said, "They're stealing from the school!"

Voldemort's face relaxed. "Oh…" he glanced around uneasily, and then cleared his throat.

"Well," he began, thinking hard about what he should do, "Seeing as I'm no longer an evil dark lord, I'm going to have to leave this one up to the headmaster," he looked over to Dumbledore, who was sitting at a small table in the back of the Great Hall, "Dumbledore?"

Dumbledore stood up, twinkle in his eye, and screamed, "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!"

Everyone in the Great Hall looked over at him. This was quite out of character. When he didn't say or do anything else, everyone in the Great Hall grabbed their torches and pitchforks and ran through the doors, through the castle looking for the Death Eaters.

"KILL THE BEAST! KILL THE BEAST!" they chanted.

You get to decide whether that is a Beauty and the Beast or Lord of the Flies reference.

Anyhow, they scoured the entire castle, searching for the Death Eaters, finally finding them on top of a familiar tower.

"Hey!" Harry said, "This is where Dumbledore died in book six!"

Ginny gave him a strange look. "What?"

"You know, in book six when we had just come back from the cave? We were looking for one of Voldemort's Horcruxes. And then we cam back here and Draco came up and was going to kill Dumbledore, but he couldn't do it do Snape did it. And Dumbledore died – well at least I thought he did, good job with that," he said to Dumbledore, "And he fell off the tower."

Everyone looked at him very strangely.

"What book?" Ron said.

"Yeah, Harry, what book?"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Has it not occurred to you all that we are fictional characters?"

Draco's eyes widened. "Really?" he said, and then proceeded to slap Pansy Parkinson across the face. "Feels real to me."

Pansy shrieked and grabbed her face. "That hurt!"

Draco shrugged. "Felt real, didn't it?"

Pansy was silent for a moment before she answered. "Yes…"

"See? I think we're real," Draco said.

"I concur!" Hermione said.

Harry sighed. "We're real in here!"

Ron raised an eyebrow. "Where is here?"

"The author's and readers' imaginations."

Seamus Finnigan detached himself from Dean Thomas for a moment and looked around the top of the tower – the dungeon-like feel to it, the huge drop to the green grass surrounding the castle below, the dark sky. "So," he began, "Someone's mind created this?" He walked up to the wall and pounded on it with his fist. "It does feel solid…"

Suddenly, due to the author's gruesome sense of humor, the wall cracked and fell, Seamus included, to the ground below.

Dean Thomas yelled in agony as he watched his soul mate fly to his death.

Suddenly, just because the author wanted, Seamus flew back through the hole in the wall and back to Dean's side.

Seamus's eyes were wide. "I don't like this author much."

"Me either," Draco Malfoy said. "I mean, I'm the Slytherin sex god and I got rejected by three girls in the beginning of the chapter!"

"Yes, that is a bit strange," Hermione said, "According to my calculations you shouldn't have been rejected by any of us. I don't like this author either! PICK A SHIP, LADY!" she screamed to the sky.

Suddenly, a girl with long brown hair and piercing grey eyes appeared next to Hermione. "Don't complain."

Hermione's eyes widened, "Who are you?"

"Bree," the girl replied simply. "I'm the author."

"Of all of this?" Harry said, shocked.

"Erm, no," Bree said. "I'm just spoofing the entire Harry Potter series. The original author is a brilliant woman named JK Rowling."

All the characters raised their eyebrows.

"Wait," Snape said, "If you're the author then why are you in here?"

"Because I decided to write myself in," Bree said, matter-of-factly.

"Oh."

"Any other complaints?"

Draco stomped his foot on the ground. "Yes! Why did I get rejected by three girls?"

"Because I wanted you all for myself."

Draco looked shocked for a moment, but then smirked. "Oh, okay."

"Now, can we get back to business?" Bree said. "We need to catch those Death Eaters!"

Everyone cheered and began to chant again.

"KILL THE BEAST! KILL THE BEAST!"

They scoured the castle once more, and chased the Death Eaters to a corner, where they were trapped.

"A-HA! NOW YOU IS TRAPPED, MUFUGGAHS!" Dumbledore said, flashing his gang signs.

The Death Eaters cowered.

"Annnnnd – cue Dementors!" a director shouted from behind a camera.

Suddenly, about eight Dementors flew onto the set and grabbed the Death Eaters, taking them off to Azkaban.

Voldemort looked at the place where they had just disappeared for a moment and then turned to everyone else. "Nothing less then they deserved."

Everyone cheered.

And they all lived happily ever after.