Cirque Du Freak Out-Takes!

1) If this was a made-up story, it would begin at night, with a storm blowing and owls hooting and rattling noises under the bed. But this is a real story, so I have to begin where it really started. It started in a toilet.

(muffled laughter)

"Shut up Vancha! That's the third time you've done that, I have to re-write the scene again!" I whine.

"Sorry, it's just first you're going on about rattling under the bed and then you go on to saying it starts in a toilet… you know me I put these things together and…"

"I know… what are you doing here anyway, go home you don't appear for another seven books yet!"

2) He took one look at me when I raised my hand and said I was ill, then he nodded and told me to make for the toilet.

"Throw up whatever's bugging you Darren," he said, "then get your behind back here."

"Well he's certainly not being bugged by spider's that's for sure sir, he sucked his into a Hoover the stupid sod!" Steve yells. I round on him.

"That joke wasn't funny the first time so why the hell would it be funny the tenth time you say it!" I screech, suppose I have to throw this scene away again.

3) "Long ago," he said, tapping the flyer, "there used to be real freak shows. Greedy con men crammed malformed people into cages and-"

"Sir, what's male-formed mean?" somebody asked.

"The lines malformed not male- formed you dipstick!" I hiss.

4) "How would you like it" she said, "if you were stuck in a cage for people to look at?"

"I'm not a freak," I said huffily.

(fake coughing)

"Oi! Don't be nasty, I can get new characters you know!" I yell.

5) "There are more bags under your eyes then in the local supermarket!" everybody laughed at that… no wait a minute, nobody would laugh at that. Come on do I have to write that old gag in, it's an antique! Give me a break!

6) "All right," Allan said," But no shaving,"

(roars of laughter)

"It's 'no shoving'," I hiss at him.

"What did I say?" he asks.

"Shaving," I tell him.

(more laughter)

7) Then, a second later, a voice inside me yelled "NOW! IT'S YOUR DESTINY! GRAB THE TICKET AND YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE FOR EVER, WHETHER FOR GOOD OR BAD ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE, GRASP THE TICKET DARREN! GRASP IT!"

"Will you just stick to the script!" I snap.

8) "Why is it so cold?" I asked Steve. "It was warm outside."

"Maybe they've got the air conditioning on," Steve suggests. I hit him over the head.

"Your line is 'old houses are like that," I scream, frustrated.

9) It was the wolf man. He was very ugly, hair all over his body.

"That was uncalled for," Vancha grunts, reading over my shoulder. "I'm not very ugly!"

"I'm not talking about you, get out of here, I told you you're not in it for another seven books so take a hike!" I growl.

10) He said he was a contortionist (somebody with bones like rubber who can bend every which-way)

First he tilted his head back it looked like it had been cut off. Then there was a sharp snapping sound and Alexander ribs groans.

"Darren! It's happened again, my spines jammed, I can't get my neck back up, can you help me buddy? I'm getting too old for this!"

11) She put her hands on her face, one on either side and stroked the skin gently. Then she held her nose shut with two fingers and tickled her chin with the other hand. Then Truska started to giggle.

"Darren don't make me do this, I very ticklish!" she laughs. I cover my face with my hands, just shoot me now!

12) (take two)

She put her hands on her face. One on either side and stroked the skin gently. Then she held her nose shut with two fingers and tickled her chin with the other hand. An extraordinary thing happened… she does the loudest fart I have ever heard in my entire life!

13) But yes, he stuck his head in the snake's wide-open mouth! The snake suddenly lets out a vicious sneeze and it's mouth closes on the snake-boys head.

"Evra!" I scream. I drop my writing pad and run over to the snake. "Evra speak to me, are you alright?" I ask, panic stricken.

"I can't breathe!" comes the muffled reply. I wrench open the snakes mouth and pull Evra out, his yellow-green hair is drenched with snake saliva. He is trembling all over.

"Back to therapy?" I ask.

"I think so," he replies.

14) "Your real name is Fur Horston," Steve said and then swore loudly. "I did it again didn't I?" he snaps, I nod, trying not to laugh.

15) Mr. Crepsley shook his head with disgust "Children!" he snarled, "I hate children. What is it you want? Money? Jewels? The right to publish my story?"

"No thank you, Darren already has that," Vancha booms from somewhere hidden.

"Bugger off already!" I shout.

"I can't recall giving you the actual right to publish my story now you mention it," Larten Crepsley says thoughtfully to me.

"Shut it and redo the scene Crepsley!" I snarl before things get out of hand.

16) Steve jumped from the stage and ran towards the exit. "One day!" he called over his shoulder and I could hear him laughing as he ran, a crazy kind of laugh. Then I stand up suddenly as Steve trips over his own feet and comes crashing to the ground.

"Ouch! Darren! Larten! A little help please, I think I've twisted my ankle," he whines.

17) "Cross your heart?" she asked.

"Cross my heart."

"Swear on your eyes"

"Cross my eyes," I promised.

(Laughter)

"What?" I demand.

18) I knew all too well what it really was. It was a coffin! I gulped, then walked carefully over to the coffin. Suddenly the lid flies off and hits the ceiling and a figure wearing a black cape with a pure white face and red eyes sits up in the coffin. I scream and fall backwards.

"Help!" I cry.

(roars of laughter)

"Yes! Vancha one, Darren zero!" Vancha yells triumphantly, climbing out of the coffin and wiping the face-paint off of his face. He pops out his contact lenses but drops them on the ground when I hit him.

19) Madam Octa lowered her head, quick as a snake, and sunk her poison tipped fangs deep into his neck! Steve starts to giggle and flicks the spider off.

"Steve! What are you doing! You're supposed to collapse to the floor, you're dying remember? You're paralysed with fear!" I cry.

"Sorry Darren, sorry, it's just she's really fuzzy, she's tickling me, it feels funny," Steve laughs.

"Can we never make friends?" I asked.

"You can't," Vancha growls, "You're an ugly smelly git!"

"Vancha! I scream, throwing myself at him. "That's the seventieth take you've ruined. Go back to Hunters of the Dusk where you belong!"