Dear Stevie,
OMG WE LUV YOU YER SO HOTT! EEEEEEEEKKK!
Sincerely,
Rabid fan girls
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Dear rabid fan girls,
Learn to spell. And while you're at it, don't right out your screams. It gets annoying.
--Steve Leopard (insert paw print here)
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Dear Steve,
OMG WE HATE YOU Y DID YOU KILL MISTA C? DIE DIE DIE DIE!
Sincerely,
More rabid fan girls
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Dear more rabid fan girls,
Again, learn so spell. Also, I don't think Creepy Crepsley would like you calling him 'Mista C'…not that I care. Anyway, tell me, how did you pass kindergarten again?
--Steve Leopard (insert paw print here)
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Dear Mr. Leopard:
Dude – what's wrong with you? I mean, look at yourself, you're all mad at your boyhood pal because he got turned into a vampire and you didn't! And yet you got what you wanted anyway, but you're still out to get him – yeah, real mature, my Lord!
Mockingly yours,
Go to Hell
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Dear Gannen Harst,
It would be in your best interest to keep your opinions to yourself. And I am NOT immature….am I? Oh, that's it, you are SO in for it, buster!
--Steve Leopard (insert claw marks here)
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Dear Steve,
Hey, what's up man! So, anyways, I got the…ahem….package you asked for. (hint hint) So I'll be over soon, and, well, maybe you could give me my hooks back?
Love,
Righteous Vampaneze
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Dear Reggie Veggie,
Love? Love? Okay, that is it – I am so sick of this – why – erg – alright, you are next on my list right after Gannen! I can't take anymore of this! And you'd better hurry up with my package, 'cause I'm gonna need some of it FAST if you ever hope to survive the night!
--Steve Leopard (insert real teeth marks here
-----------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Steve Leopard,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been awarded the title of Vampaneze of the Year. Sincerest congratulations and many thanks for joining the one true league of creatures of the night.
Sincerely yours…
PSYKE! Happy April Fool's Day, my Lord!
--Morgan James
---------------------------------
Dear Morgan,
Hahaha! Thanks, Morgan old pal. I really needed that. Man, I've been having a seriously bad day today. First off stupid Gannen forget to get coffee, so I've been, like, completely out of it, and then some jealous bum accused me of having used a fire extinguisher while in the Coffin of Fire. Not to mention all this crappy fan mail I've got to deal with. So yeah…it's official. 'No one dies a virgin – life screws us all'. I saw that on a bumper sticker somewhere. It is SO true. Well, thanks -- your letters always bring a smile to my face no matter how bad a day I'm having.
Trying to not worry and be happy,
Steve Leopard (insert paw print here)
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Dear Master,
Hey! We wrote a song for you!
Stevie Leopard! Stevie Leopard!
The great ruler of us all!
Stevie Leopard! Stevie Leopard!
We are at his beck and call!
He's modest, clever, and so smart
He barely can restrain it
With so much generosity
There is no way to contain it…to contain it…to contain, to contain, to contaaaaaaain….
Stevie Leopard! Stevie Leopard!
He's likely wanting our fresh meat!
Stevie Leopard! Stevie Leopard!
The dictator who just can't be beat!
The vampaneze and the killing wiz,
The best darn guy who ever lived,
Stevie Leopard, here he iiiiiiiiiiiissss!
Love ya!
Your followers
Dear followers,
I swear to God…if someone calls me Stevie one more time…if someone proclaims love one more time…I swear to God, I. Will. EXPLODE! And changing the lyrics to that Goddamn Willy Wonka song does not justify it as yours! Now, as punishment for your badly-written parody, you're all going to scrub my chambers until their so clean I see my beautiful, sexy face in them!
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Dear Mista Leopard,
Hullo, Mista Steve. D'ya know who this is? Ahm the prisidint, that's right, Ahm the prisident of the Unatded Stits of 'Merica. It's recently come to my detention you've taken it upon yerself to make terroristic threats toward ma country. You's bitter nit be hidin' any a' them nucler weapons, or's else I'ma haff ta sind ma trouper koopers from Iraq over ter teach you not to miss with 'Merica.
Gay marriage all the way,
George Dubya Bush
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Dear Bush,
Well, if it ain't mister fancy-pants president of the U.S.! Why've you been reading my mail? What I say to my minions is my business and mine alone! You don't rule over me! If I wanted I could have you executed with a snap of fingers. By the way, you're worse than the fan girls when it comes to spelling. Seriously! Why did the American people elect you in the first place?
--Steve Leopard (insert paw print here)
P.S. You're for gay marriage? Eeeeww! That's soooo gross! I'm going to have to get another cootie shot after touching your letter!
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Dear Steve,
Wow. You're, like, so awesome! You're my idol! If I wanted to be an evil Lord like yourself, what would I have to do?
Sincerely,
Joe
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Dear Joe,
There's only room for one evil Lord in this world, and that's moi! So for you own sake, pray you don't get chosen to rule a clan or else I'll have to come after you. Okay, hon?
Stay in school,
Steve Leopard (insert paw print here)
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Author's Note: Hope you all enjoyed that. Now, here's the fun part: if any of you would like a letter answered by "Steve" just put it in a review and I'll post it in the next chapter. Maybe in later chapters I'll have other characters answering fan mail as well.