Chapter 4
Finding Snape was fairly easy, considering that when he wasn't teaching a class he was almost certainly in his office located in the dungeons (which was, in fact, only a few feet from the bathroom where Harry had caught him doing the Royal Squat). As soon as the four Gryffindors entered his office, where he sat at his desk grading papers, his face contorted in an expression only slightly less menacing than the one he had given Harry earlier that morning.
"YOU!" he snarled, standing up out of his chair and pointing a bony white finger at Harry. "What in the name of Salazar Slytherin are you and your idiotic friends doing here? I expect you hoped this time to walk in on me wanking off to some house elf bondage porn? Well, I'm afraid that if you wished to further humiliate me, you're out of luck. I want you to stay far, far away from me!"
"As much as I find the idea of house elf bondage porn exciting, that's not why I'm here, Severus," Harry said seductively. He leaned over his professor's desk, putting his face only inches away from Snape's. "And I know you don't actually want me to stay away from you, because you realize that we're meant to be together."
"Wha---WHAT?" Snape sputtered, sending flecks of saliva right in Harry's face. Harry merely smiled, wiped the spit off with his sleeve and went on,
"Sev, the fact that I was able to apparate into your bathroom stall this morning, even though it's supposed to be impossible, has to mean something! It must be fate! Surely you must be as aware as I am that we're soul mates?"
"Potter, as much as I feel like an ass for even dignifying that preposterous question with a response," Snape said, his lip curling in disgust, "rest assured that we are not soul mates, and that we are still, happily, mortal enemies. You were able to apparate today because Headmistress McGonagall lifted the magical guard against apparition in Hogwarts. The sixth years are having apparition lessons early this year, and those lessons started, in fact, today. Now, leave my office --- and stop calling me Sev!"
"See, Harry," Hermione cried, pulling on Harry's arm, "that explains everything. It was just a coincidence. Let's go!"
"But I don't care!" Harry exclaimed, grabbing the front of Snape's robes with melodramatic passion. "I don't care, because I've already fallen in love with you! I want to marry you, and have your babies…"
Snape stared at Harry. "Did you just say have my babies?" he asked incredulously, the corners of his mouth beginning to twitch. "And how, exactly, do you think such an absurd thing would be possible?"
"I know you must have some potion that will let me grow a temporary uterus or something," Harry said excitedly. "This is the wizarding world, so if male pregnancy is possible anywhere, it must be here. I wouldn't be surprised if the power of our love alone allowed me to become pregnant, without a potion. Love can accomplish anything!"
That was when Professor Severus Snape lost it. He collapsed back into his chair, rested his forehead on his desk, and let out the most maniacal peals of laughter that any of the young Gryffindors had ever heard. Although they couldn't be certain, because his voice shook so much from laughing, it sounded as though between cackles he was saying the words "temporary uterus" over and over again.
Finally, he lifted his head again, wiped the tears from his black eyes, and choked out, "I may despise you just as much as ever, Potter, but I do respect you a bit more now --- if for no other reason than you have given me the best laugh I've ever had. A potion that grows temporary reproductive organs? You being willing to get knocked up with my spawn? Seriously, that was some funny shit."
"C'mon, Sev, I'm serious!" Harry pleaded. It was now clear that he was not as confident as he had been before that he and the Potions master were destined for Twu Wuv. "There must have been times when you were attracted to me…maybe even hinted as much to the late Headmaster Dumbledore…and Dumbledore was such a kind, understanding, non-judgmental man that I'm sure he probably encouraged you to confess your love to me…"
"Potter, now you're taking this joke too far!" Snape retorted, his face now dark again. "I have never been attracted to you, nor have I ever intimated any such thing to Dumbledore. And the late Headmaster might have been a barmy old codger, but to suggest that he would encourage a thirty-five-year-old teacher to sexually pursue an underage student is just repulsive. We are not members of NAMBLA!"
"But…but…but I love you!" Harry burst out. "We're supposed to be together! There must have been some prophesy made about us…let's get Professor Trelawney in here, I know she could prove it…"
Needless to say, no one made a move to retrieve Sybil Trelawney.
"Love is supposed to conquer all!" Harry cried desperately. "You know, amor vincit omnia! In vino veritas! Visne saltare, viam Latam Fungosam scio!---"
"POTTER!" Snape barked, silencing him. He then signed, and continued, "Harry, we are not 'meant to be together,' and I have some information that may finally convince you of this."
"What's that?" Harry grumbled, his eyes cast to the floor, looking merely pouty as opposed to heartbroken.
"You see…" Snape hesitated for a few moments, and then said dramatically, "Harry, you're my son!"
Now it was Harry's turn to stare at Snape with a stunned look on his face. The only sound in the room was that of crickets chirping in the background. (Snape kept a jar of crickets in his storeroom for Filch, as they were one of the main ingredients in a potion that cured erectile dysfunction.) And then…
"YOU SHAGGED MY MUM!" Harry raged. "YOU REVOLTING, SLIMY GIT OF AN OVERGROWN BAT---"
While Harry was teaming with fury, Ron, Hermione and Ginny broke into wide grins and rejoiced that normal, Snape-hating, emo Harry was back. But Snape silenced them all with a wave of his hand, and said,
"Now, now, Harry, don't jump to conclusions. Although I am your biological father, I did not shag your mother."
"How is that possible!" Harry shouted. "Don't tell me that male pregnancy isn't possible in the wizarding world but artificial insemination still is!"
"Of course it is, what kind of logic is that? Oh, I forgot, you're a Gryffindor --- you lot don't use logic," Snape said nastily. "But anyway, I'm sure you are wondering why your parents needed me to impregnate your mother when they were 'so in love.'" He spoke those last three words in a whiny, mocking voice. "How can I put this delicately?…Well, let's just say that your parents were in need of my 'little soldiers' because your father --- excuse me, James --- 'shot blanks,' if you know what I mean…"
Hermione, Ginny and Ron now had to restrain Harry from rushing over to the desk and pulling off the oily head of the man to whom he had, only minutes ago, been proclaiming his undying love. Ignoring Harry's sudden display of violence, Snape went on in a bored voice,
"Any-who, the reason you look so much like James is because a spell was cast on you when you were born that would make you resemble him, yada yada yada, it doesn't make much sense either, but there you go. And the spell dissolves when you find out your true parentage, so you should go back to the way you really look in about, oh…" He yawned and looked down at his watch. "Five…four…three…two…one…"
With a blinding flash of light, the Harry Potter they had all known reverted from looking like a clone of James Potter to a clone of Severus Snape, complete with pasty skin, long greasy black hair, a hooked nose, and yellowish teeth. But he retained his lightening bolt shaped scar, and his mother's green eyes --- because apparently the only gene that Lily Evans Potter was capable of passing onto her children, no matter who she mated with, was her eye color.
Once the transformation was complete, Harry walked towards the full-length mirror in the corner of Snape's office, and gaped at his reflection. Everyone kept quiet as they anticipated his reaction. Hermione was thinking that it all reminded her very much of that awful Muggle reality show called The Swan, and half expected Harry to put his hands to his face and weep, "I'm so beautiful!", when Harry finally opened his mouth.
"Dammit, I'm fugly," he whined. Adjusting his round-framed glasses, he added, "I look like John Lennon after he'd gotten punched in the face and gone a month without sunshine or a shower. Who's going to want to fall in love with me now?" He then turned to Snape and asked accusingly, "And who am I going to fall in love with, now that I know you're my dad?"
Snape didn't have time to respond, because at that moment a familiar pair of voices became audible from down the hall. The echoing acoustics of the dungeons made their words perfectly clear to Snape, Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny:
"So Dad, after we all get the Dark Mark, can Crabbe and Goyle and I go to Knockturn Alley and get a lap dance from a mudblood stripper?"
"Now, Draco, although I do think that you will have more than deserved some kind of congratulatory gift for officially entering into the service of the Dark Lord, your mother would be furious if she found out! I'm afraid she doesn't understand our fondness for taking sexual advantage of mudbloods. How would you like a pimp cane similar to mine instead? I can order one specially for you from Borgin & Burkes, and I assure you that the Malfoy pimp cane brings all the ladies to the yard."
Harry's eyes immediately lit up again. "Jackpot," he whispered, grinning. Frolicking out of Snape's office towards his next unlikely romantic prospects, he said, "You know, I never realized I liked blond gits before…"
A/N: So that's the end, guys. Thanks for reading, and I hope you liked it!
Just a few more acknowledgements before I sign off completely:
The "temporary uterus" thing I made fun of in this chapter comes from a hilariously bad Lucius/Remus mpreg fic, in which Lucius obtains a temporary uterus so that he can have Lupin's child; tragically, he loses the baby when an injury causes this temporary uterus to be dissolved into this body.
Harry's idea that Dumbledore encouraged Snape to pursue a relationship with the underage Harry comes from the jillions of Snarry fics I've read where this happens. Snape's thoughts on this plot device in my parody are basically my own.
Finally, these are the translations of the three phrases that Harry says in Latin:
Amor vincit omnia "Love conquers all."
In vino veritas "In wine is truth."
Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio "Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway."