The Private Diary of Harry Potter

Summary: Harry begins to have feelings he was unaware of before for the least imaginable person on earth…at least to his mind. SLASH – HP/DM. R&R Please

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters, places, and other things related to Harry Potter belong to J. K. Rowling.

Chapter 1: October 30

Today I saw him again. Well of course I see him everyday, but today…today he was beautiful. There was a dance and his robe was exquisite, it made him look really handsome. Of course his family has a lot of money, he can spend whatever he wants to make himself look great. But he carries every robe with such style it makes me want to reach out and grab him in my arms and … and then what? I don't know.

I don't understand what has come over me. I never have been attracted to a guy in my life. When the rumor that he might be gay first came to my ears I laughed thinking it couldn't be true. Draco Malfoy gay? No way. Pansy, Millicent and tons of other girls are always all over him. But then I overheard Blaise talking about it with Marcus…talking about what he and Draco had done and I knew it was true.

Blaise, Marcus and Draco are best mates and it would be pointless for them to pass lies among one another. Marcus is openly gay although very circumspect and Blaise…well Blaise is basically a sex maniac…he'll do anyone and everyone from what I can tell. His only requirement seems to be that they be beautiful.

After overhearing what Blaise had said, something like excitement began growing within my soul; I began to dream that perhaps the feelings of attraction I have for Draco were not entirely doomed. If Draco was gay, then it was possible that he might eventually return some of the feelings of attraction I was feeling for him.

I wasn't and am still not sure what it would mean if he did return those feelings…I don't know what I want from him or for us at this point, I only know that he fills my mind far too much of the time and whenever I see him, my heart starts beating like mad. I was further encouraged when Draco and I ran into one another by chance in the hallway outside of the library late one evening. I could have sworn he looked at me with something like desire or maybe it was lust in his eyes. However, I may have been dreaming – perhaps I was merely being overly hopeful.

All we ever do, all we have ever done is fight. We see each other and our wands just seem to naturally fall into our hands. Actually that is not altogether true; there was a time during the war when he came over to our side and things between us actually took on a semblance of normalcy for a short while. I saw a side of Draco that I didn't realize existed and amazingly I was beginning to like my old arch enemy. But that didn't last; the moment we returned to Hogwarts, everything went back to being as it was before between us – as if there had been no intervening war.

I don't know why I am even writing this down. I guess because I think I am discovering something about myself I didn't know before. That I can actually be attracted to a man; to Draco. Since the end of the war, since the day I killed Lord Voldemort, I have been discovering lots of new things about myself. Things I never had time to consider before, like my feelings about things. That was why I broke it off with Ginny. That was how I came to realize that the person I thought I hated the most in life, I don't hate at all. I am not sure of the extent of my feelings, but they certainly have nothing to do with hate.

Hermione and Ron would die if I told them. They have known me for nine years. How do I tell them that now that we are twenty years old, now that we finally get to start our lives again after the war, now that we have returned to Hogwarts to finish our final year after all, that I am attracted to Draco…that the hero of the war is more than likely gay?

But I am not even sure I am gay. Girls do turn me on and I loved making love with Hermione. But maybe it was just a quirk. If Hermione and Ron hadn't broken up badly like that after the war, if she hadn't come to me crying all of the time and we had not been alone together so much; I don't know if we would have ever made love. It was wonderful with her. I can't believe we stopped making love. I still think I might be a little in love with her, even though most of the time I don't think about her anymore. But we never did make a commitment and now it has been nearly two months since we last made love.

Our relationship here at Hogwarts seems to have returned to normal, like it was before; three friends. Only now there actually is a difference with one of us. Now one of us doesn't agree on something major. Now one of us doesn't hate the ex-death eater prince of Slytherin. I yell at him, I curse at him, I send hexes at him and he still has the power to make me angrier than anyone else in the world.

And that is the whole existence between us and yet, when I see him and even while we are in the midst of exchanging nasty put downs, my heart starts pumping so hard I can feel it and I want to reach out and touch the mouth that is screaming at me, grab the arm that is sending hexes my way and stand as close as I can to him so that he can…well I guess so that he can do to me what Blaise described he did to him.

Maybe I am going insane, I shouldn't be writing this down, even with the vanishing spell someone may find it and see it. And tell him about it. I would be mortified.

And yet...I am a Potter. I know my parents are watching me from the afterworld. Long before the war I began to really understand what Dumbledore meant when he said I could always find them inside myself. I think that is the only reason I don't go insane. I know they wouldn't disapprove of me if it turns out these feelings mean I am gay. I feel my mum's sympathy and understanding - and my dad's understanding and impatience at my equivocating. I can feel him rolling his eyes and demanding I just get on with it already and I even feel my beloved godfather, Sirius, joining him in that sentiment. But despite all of that, I remain confused. Get on with what exactly?

November 5

Well if I wasn't sure before I am 100 percent certain now. I am completely insane. We had a fight today. Draco started it like he generally does. He called Hermione a Mudblood and Ron and I drew our wands. It was two against one though so I put my wand away. But Draco hexed Ron and Ron went flying into a tree and that left me. Of course I drew my wand again, Draco expected me to do so and he was turning to me when Ron went down.

I sent a hex first and it hit is leg. He cried out in pain but at the time I was happy about it. Ron was lying next to the tree moaning and looked to be in pain. I wanted to inflict the same pain on Draco. But Draco hexed me back while he was reaching for his leg and it was another of those knocking hexes and I went flying as Ron had, but there was nothing around so I just hit the ground. My head hit the ground and Draco made it over to me before anyone else, even Hermione.

When I opened my eyes only a few seconds after I fell, his face was inches from my face. I thought my heart was going to blow up. It was awful. I should have reached out and choked him and I would have if it had been last year or even last month. But these weird feelings I have for him, well they took over because his eyes were near mine and his nose too and his lips. I could have kissed him he was so close. I wanted to; I remember thinking that in the flash of a second before he started snarling at me. He said a lot of nasty things, things I don't remember because I couldn't hear. I could only feel his breath near my lips. There was hatred in his eyes, but I just kept seeing how grey they were. It was awful; it was like I was helpless.

Hermione thought I was hurt, she hexed him from behind and he fell away grabbing his arm this time. I hadn't done much to his leg, just a stunning jinx, but Hermione had sent some kind of curse that caused his arm to swell and he ran off after that to the hospital wing, shouting curses at us and threatening revenge. But I just laid there, his face that had been so close still before my eyes which had closed by then. Hermione came and made me snap out of it or I don't think I ever would have.

November 11

God I am in pain tonight. I had to write. I wasn't going to write anymore. I was going to try and forget this obsession I have with Draco Malfoy. But tonight in the great hall, he walked in and I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. It was so bad that Ron noticed. He said he thought I was planning some type of catastrophe for Malfoy. I laughed and said I was. But of course it was a lie.

My heart felt like it was going to pop right out of my chest, like all of the blood in my body was moving through it at once. I don't know why tonight it was like that but it was. And then he looked at me. I should have turned away but I couldn't for some reason. I wanted him to see me and now I am glad I didn't but it frightens me that I didn't. He looked at me and at first his eyes were derisive like always.

I have no idea what expression was on my face but his changed. He looked surprised for a moment and then there was that other look. The one that has me writing. It was that look of desire I thought I saw before but wasn't sure. But tonight I am sure. It was and it was hungry. I looked away after that. I don't know what he thinks now. I am sweating as I write because I am so nervous at what I have done. And I haven't done anything at all really.

November 12

He knows. He has to know. I was alone in the bathroom when he walked in. I was looking in the mirror because I thought I might have destroyed part of my eyebrow in potions. Neville said I did while I was in class, but it looked fine to me. When Draco walked into the bathroom, also alone our eyes met in the mirror. We always look at each other with hatred and I was prepared to do so again.

Something made me wait for him to pull the first face but it when it came I was in shock. It wasn't hate at all. It was that same look of desire. I think my face was impassable at the time he looked at me, but afterwards I think I looked at him with desire too because he smiled. Not the sarcastic smile I am used to but a seductive smile I have not seen before. I reached down for my school bag and walked out of the bathroom. I was scared. Scared he may have seen my look, scared at what he might do next. I wish I hadn't run out.

November 15

I avoided Draco. I never avoid Draco. I hadn't seen him for three days. Everyone is saying I am acting weird and I know I am but I just say I am tired. I've been a mess. Then today we were in DADA class and as usual, I sat behind Draco. I skipped DADA the day before yesterday so I didn't have to see him. But I had to go today. My heart started its weird beating just from looking at his back.

Snape told me to stay after so that he could yell at me about something or other. I wasn't listening to him because Draco had stayed too. He sat smirking in a desk across from where I stood. It was all so normal. Then Snape was looking at me and I figured he had finished and I was very respectful to him, maybe for the first time in my life. I had no choice. I didn't know what he had said. I just said 'yes professor Snape' and hoped it would be ok.

Snape seemed satisfied and he went into his office at the back of the classroom. I stood putting my books away and I didn't look at Draco at all. However, Draco stood up and began slowly walking to where I was standing. I felt my legs growing weak as he drew near, but I tried to control my emotions and concentrate on getting my schoolbag together.

He stood very close to me and when he spoke his voice was almost a whisper, 'I've seen you looking at me lately,' he drawled, his voice sounded like he was either taunting me or teasing me, I couldn't figure it out. I didn't answer; I didn't even look at him. A few seconds later he added, 'I know why you have been looking at me.' His voice had grown kind of husky. And then it happened. I'll never forget it. He kissed my cheek. It was quick, just a small quick kiss, but my heart felt like it was going to explode it started beating so hard. I was suddenly horribly embarrassed and I didn't know what to do.

Without thinking, I reflexively whipped out my wand and pointed it at him. I think my face looked scared though instead of frightening, because he just laughed. He didn't even draw his wand. He just laughed at me and then he started walking out. And at the door he turned and looked at me, 'you are twenty years old Potter?' he asked with the smirk back in place across his features. I didn't answer and moments later he turned and left. I realized I was breathing really heavy. I don't know if I was when he was there but the whole thing was god awful. I don't know what he meant by the twenty years old thing. I don't know what to do now. I don't know what he will do next. I keep thinking of Ron and Hermione and I keep touching my face, I can't seem to stop touching my face where his lips were.

November 17

God how I wish I could have today replay itself a million times. We had a match against Slytherin this afternoon. The game was fairly uneventful until the end. Draco and I were after the snitch. I swear my mind was entirely on the game, even when he was flying right beside me. I am so used to him attempting to hex me while we are seeking that out of habit I continuously look at him out of the corner of my eye and I was doing so today.

We finally caught up with the snitch and we were both stretched over our brooms, reaching for the small golden ball. My hand was in front by less than a centimeter, I was about to grasp the snitch when I made the mistake of looking at Draco out of the corner of my eye and in that moment he blew me a kiss with just his lips. I lost it, my heart started up and my hand reflexively jerked back a little allowing him to capture the snitch. I was heartbroken as always and immediately flew down where my friends awaited to commiserate with me over the loss.

But I hadn't really lost, I had won, the snitch was in my hand, I could taste it, until he blew the kiss. He knew exactly what he was doing. However, that was not the part of this day I would care to replay, although the kiss, I liked the blown kiss very much. But the part I would like to re-live again and again happened after the game. I was depressed and took an extraordinarily long time changing from my game robes.

I told Ron to go back to the castle without me and it took convincing, god is he stubborn, but he finally left me. However, I was not depressed over the game; my feelings of despondency were tied to that kiss Draco had blown. It was as if he was toying with me somehow and there was nothing I could do about it. I sat for quite some time thinking about the kiss and wondering if there were more to it than a ploy to win the game.

When I finally walked out of the changing rooms, all of Slytherin seemed to be on the field surrounding Draco, clapping him on the back, congratulating him and doing everything else they always do following a win. Then someone saw me and they all started taunting me. That doesn't bother me at all, even though it was a crowd. It happens from time to time. I just rolled my eyes and kept going. Suddenly I heard Draco yell something; I recognized his tone over the other voices calling out, although I couldn't make out what he was saying. I was certain it was just another nasty comment so I kept walking.

When he suddenly appeared at my side, flanked by Blaise and another friend from the team, I nearly pulled my wand on him. However, it would have been a crazy move; I was greatly out numbered…even if with the power I have amassed since the war I might have been able to handle the lot of them. Nonetheless, that power I reserve for wartime and Quidditch game taunting cannot be equated to war, so I just kept walking and tried to ignore them. Draco leaned toward me and told me I sucked at Quidditch, which I know I don't so that didn't bother me either.

But while he was leaning over he slipped a note in my hand. I don't think anyone saw him do it and I didn't react as I clutched the small paper in my fist, except for a slight widening of my eyes. I turned and screamed back at him, calling him a jerk or something. Hell I don't remember what I said now; all I could think of was the note.

I walked away quickly after screaming and made my way to the lake. I didn't look at the note until I was at the shore. It just had one little line that I read over and over again. "Meet me tomorrow at 6 at the woods near Hagrid's." I nearly died when I read it and I am still nearly dying. I know I shouldn't go. I know this has something to do with the desire. I don't know if I want it. And yet I don't think wild dragons could stop me from going. I don't know what I will do. I might hex him and leave. I might not. I am not even sure what he wants or if he will show up. Maybe it is a joke because he knows how I feel and he is toying with me…maybe I am completely mistaken about any desire on his part.