Alone
As I walk down the paved courthouse steps, my eyes are instantly drawn to a familiar scene just beyond the sidewalk: the five foot eight detective Olivia
Benson saying goodbye to yet another traumatized child. Next to Olivia stands a tentative Nathan, as well as his soon to be foster parents. But this scene I
have seen so many times before seems different somehow. Olivia is different. Even from 500 feet away I can feel the pain radiating from her soul, like a pulse
ox alarm bleeping through my hearts oblivion. Although a mountain of stairs separated our bodies, I know she feels that long tearing pain, the same pain
I've experienced so many times before. We come from very different origins but were really one in the same. Both of us struggle to face the horrors we see
everyday and ignore the failures of our past. She's a product of her mother's rape, and to Serena, Olivia was merely a latent reminder of nothing but
anguish. To my mother, I am nothing. I've never been good enough for her, for anyone. I try to alleviate the pain of countless victims because I have failed
to assuage the same within myself. My pain drifts to the back of my unconscious because the victim's hurt is more pressing, more draining. My pain no
longer matters and I am able to forget, even if just for a moment. Olivia's chocolate brown eyes tell the same story. Whenever our weathered eyes lock upon
the others, I know there exists a mutual understanding between us; both comprehending that we need to do for others what we cannot do for ourselves.
We try to hide behind the same brave bravado, feigning an over arching joyful appearance. But some days even the victims cannot distract me from the
weight of anguish that never seems to leave my heart alone. On those days I want to fall. And sometimes I do. But I never fall into the arms of anyone;
instead I end up curled like a helpless fetus in a mother's womb. Except I don't have the comfort of my mother's womb; she has never opened the comforts
of her heart to the likes of me. She never sees who I am, who I've worked so hard to become. On days where all of this comes to the forefront and surpasses
all the blockades I try so hard to maintain I wish Olivia knew. I know she understands the barbaric pain that consumes our very souls. But for that very
reason I cannot impose. Her pain is enough to bear. I cannot place another burden of the same caliber on a set of shoulders already taking on the world. I
will not hurt her like that. She isn't responsible for me. Only I can be. Its me and me alone. Forever.