Disclaimer: I own mostly none of this…fine I own none of this! Sob
Loving Him, Adoring You
You never should have chosen Truth. You known that playing Truth or Dare was a bad idea but you played it anyway. You haven't been yourself since that day Draco Malfoy took your virginity and Ron noticed it, though he didn't know the reason, and had tried to cheer you up by organising this game with your house mates. You didn't really want to play but it made Ron happy…
It would have been alright if it had been normal Truth or Dare. You could have lied then. It was the case, however, that Ron had the Weasley's Wizard's Wheezes version. In it there were pills, truth pills and dare pills. Truth pills had a diluted form of Veritaserum, enough for one question to be answered truthfully. Dare pills had mild oath binding charm on it, so the taker will receive a quite sharp headache if they didn't carry out a dare. Genius, to be sure, but those pills were the cause of your downfall.
You chose truth, stupidly thinking it was the safe option after seeing Ron french kissing Dean on a dare. You found out soon enough how mistaken you were as soon as you saw that look on Seamus' face.
"Truth, Harry?" he said after you took your pill, "OK I got one."
"Oooohhh!" Parvarti giggled and clapped her hands in excitement. Everyone laughed, except for you.
"Wait till I asked the question!" cackled Seamus, "Ok, Harry, answer this. If you've lost your virginity, who did you lose it to?"
You stared horrified while the others laughed and hooted, congratulating him on his deviousness.
"That's two questions, you sneaky boy!" cried Hermione. Dean chuckled and slapped him on the back.
"I've always thought he should have been in Slytherin!"
"Ahahaha! Look at Harry's face!" spluttered Ron.
"Ssssh, guys!" squealed Lavender, "Harry's about to speak!"
You had suppressed the words as long as you could and realised too late that you should have said it while they were making so much noise. They were silent now, waiting in apprehension. You desperately wanted to stay quiet but the pill made you say his name loud and clear.
"Draco Malfoy. I lost my virginity to Draco Malfoy."
You slapped your hand over your mouth as soon as you said it but they already heard. They looked upon you dumbfounded, some gasped in surprise.
"Harry? Mate?" asked Ron confusedly, not quite believing what he heard, "you're joking right? You're just messing around with us aren't you?"
"He took the pill, Ron, he can't joke," murmured Hermione slowly, "Harry, you slept with Malfoy?"
"That's what I said, didn't I?" you answered sharply. There was no point in denying it. "Look I answered my question. Can we just carry on with the game?"
"Harry…" Seamus started. You cut in quickly.
"What! For god's sake it's not that big a deal!"
"It is, Harry! It is! It is a big deal!" shouted Ron, standing up, "You fucking had sex with Draco Malfoy! How could you possibly say it's not a big deal?"
"Harry, I don't understand," said Hermione, her eyes big and round, "Why? When?"
"IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" you screamed, also standing up. You didn't want them to know how weak you were, how you let him use you. How he won, how he made you want him. How he took your heart as well as your virginity.
"IT IS MY BUSINESS! YOU'RE MY BEST MATE, HARRY, SO IT BLOODY WELL IS!" exploded Ron, grabbing your shoulders, shaking you. You shoved his hands away angrily.
"Fine! You want to know? You all want to know?" you glared at the others, "Two weeks ago, by the lake. You want to hear more to fantasize about? He pinned me against a tree and held my arms so I couldn't move. We made out. Then he let go and we felt each other up. We went on the ground, him on top, and took our clothes off. He jerked me off and then he screwed me. He screamed my name and I screamed his. After we talked and made out again. I gave him a blow job then I topped. The end!"
You turned away so not to see their disgusted faces. That'll hurt you too much.
"It was just sex, ok!" you lied shakily, "just plain, mindless, heartless sex."
You bit back a sob and up to your dorm, slamming the door behind you. Jumping onto your bed you buried your face into the pillow.
Just sex, just plain, mindless, heartless sex.
You chanted this like a mantra even though you already knew it wasn't true. Not for you anyway. It probably was for him.
The door opened as Ron and Hermione came rushing in. you felt her hand on your back and heard her tearful voice.
"Oh, Harry!"
You closed your eyes as tears threatened to spill. Hearing the comfort and support from her was almost too much for you to bear.
"I was by the lake at around three in the afternoon," you said surprisingly steady, as if you were reciting a speech, "I was there alone because I needed some space to think and then suddenly before I knew it, I was crying."
You felt Ron sit next to you and Hermione squeeze your hand.
"Suddenly Malfoy appeared. He started going at me like usual and I told him to fuck off but he just wouldn't go. I exploded and insulted his father. He got mad and knocked me to the ground and held me down. We argued a bit more and he started on Sirius. He found my weak spot. He told me how it was all my fault that Sirius died, how everyone died and how I would be responsible for all the deaths. I couldn't stop crying."
You paused there, taking deep breaths before you carried on.
"But then I laughed. I laughed because I realised how miserable he was going to be in the future. I laughed and laughed. he was confused so I explained, no, I mocked him about it. I laughed at his misery. I found it funny. It got to him bad, what I said. He looked…broken, like he just realised he wasn't going to have a good life. It was like in his mind he was eluding reality. He was crying by then and I jeered at him."
You sobbed, afraid that you best friends would find what you did then unforgivable and cruel, like you found it.
"Then it was weird. He grinned. It was like a strange pattern, he hurts, I cry, I laugh, I hurt, he cry, he laugh. I knew he was up to something. I jumped away from him and he stood up. He said that I took everything away from him so he was going take something from me. He said he was going to take my virginity."
Hermione gasped and Ron stiffened.
"I was scared at first but I wasn't sure he if he would actually do it. I asked him if he as going to rape me and he said no, because I was going to enjoy it. And I did, I so fucking did, it was nothing like I ever imagined. It felt so good, so special. I guess everyone thinks that on their first time.
"He said he was going to make me moan, make me scream his name, me want him, yearn for him, pine for him. Make me love him. And he did, I did do all of those things, I yearn and pine for him now. I want him so bad it hurts. I love him so much that I cry myself to sleep every night. It's weird, kinda sudden, like all the hate I felt for him turned into love, or maybe it was always there, a part of me loving him and this just brought it out."
You were crying now too, shaking uncontrollably. Hermione hugged you tightly.
"After the first time, we talked civilly, affectionately even, like we were friends or more. I think that bit was the best bit. He was so nice, so gentle, so lovely with me then. The second time was different form the first, which was rough and thrilling. The second was slower, more intimate, filled with… something, something special. I felt so happy, happier than I had for ages.
"But then it was over. It became uncomfortable. I could tell immediately this meant nothing to him. He sneered at me, asking meanly whether I needed to be carried back. I was in a state of shock then too, I couldn't believe hat we had done. He stared at me and I couldn't bring myself to look at him in the eye because I knew what I'd see. Distain. Disgust. He still hates me, still loathes me. He manipulated me and used me but here I am, after thinking about it and replaying it in my mind for the past two weeks, adoring him, loving him like the stupid naïve child he knew I was."
You melted down to Hermione's hug. You let tears wet her shoulder and let her sooth you with her kind words.
"Harry, mate, don't worry," you heard Ron whisper, "none of this is your fault, none of it."
You desperately wished you could believe him.
You woke next morning feeling the same as before, then worse when you remembered that people knew and by now more people will know and then everyone will know. You could almost hear his voice sneering, 'Nice going, Potter.'
You closed your eyes and remembered the feel of his tongue tracing your scar, kissing it, how that simple gesture made you feel so loved. You remembered his mumbled apology and how he comforted you with that kiss when you said how people were afraid of you. How-
He was manipulating you, Harry.
Your eyes prickled with tears. A lie, all a lie. You wondered how you were going to get through breakfast, let alone the whole day, let alone the rest of your life. But you had Ron and Hermione here now, helping you. You could get through this, you got through everything else, why not this?
The whispers and the stares you expected weren't there when you went down for breakfast. He was though. You swallowed and looked to Ron's kind smile for comfort.
Ron and Hermione must have told the others to stay quiet. Even Parvarti and lavender hadn't breathed a word. You felt a wave of gratitude towards them.
You smiled, thinking maybe things would turn out ok, when you heard his laugh. His tinkling laugh. You glanced over to see him laughing at something Zabini said. Like before at what you said. But not you anymore.
You closed your eyes and buried your head in your arms. God, you were pathetic. No wonder he didn't want you. You were a weak, stupid, snivelling child! No one in their right mind would ever want you.
You felt the pain coming back, as fresh and as raw as before. You trembled in effort not to cry again. Hermione instantly noticed and put an arm round you. Ron noticed too and he lost it.
You should have never told Ron, not all of it, not your grief, not your pain. You knew his temper, his rashness, his bluntness and most of all, you knew his protectiveness of you, you knew how much he cares for you. You knew how hard he takes on himself when you get hurt. That was why you shouldn't have told him, for then he wouldn't have stormed over to Malfoy, filled with rage, intent on knocking off his block.
At least you should have noticed before it was too late, you only noticed that he had gone when you heard the object of your grievance.
"What, Weasley? Can't you see I'm I the middle of eating and your dirty presence is putting me off my food?"
"How can you!" Ron yelled at him, not caring where he was or who surrounded him, "How the hell can you sit here and act normal after what you did to Harry! How fucking heartless can you be!"
Something momentarily flickered on Malfoy's face before he stood up to face Ron, lip curling. His housemates got up too, to intimidate Ron maybe or maybe just to beat him up. Dean, Seamus and Neville got there quickly before they tried anything with Lavender and Parvarti closely following. You stared in wonder as you saw your housemates stand up for you, make a stand for you. It was truly like having a family.
Any feelings of belonging were overwhelmed by horror as you looked upon the argument that was breaking out. Hermione tightened her grip on you.
"Shut up, Weasel," Malfoy whispered scathingly, "you don't know what the fuck you're talking about."
He clearly was well aware, as were you, of how many people were listening. Ron didn't seem to care.
"Yes I do! I know exactly what I'm talking about. Harry told me everything! Did you hear that, everything! And I know exactly what sort of scum you are!"
"Ron, no," you murmured but he couldn't hear you. He carried on; face red as his hair and voice just as fiery.
"Have you got any idea how much you hurt Harry! How he's taking it! Of course not! Cause all you care about is yourself! Do you know he's hardly talking, he keeps on spacing out, remembering what you did, replaying every action, every word in his head! He's barely eating and what he does he throws back up! He's wasting away, dying because of you! The spirit in him is gone, ripped away from him! He hasn't cracked a single smile since that day and he's fucking crying himself to every night! And you sit here, laughing like you haven't got a care in the world!"
There were tears streaming down his face now as he pointed an accusing finger at Malfoy. You feel every eye on you, knowing that they're wondering what Malfoy could possibly have done to reduce you to the state which Ron described. The state you didn't even realise you were in. you knew he was looking at you as well but you couldn't bring yourself to meet his eyes. You had no idea how he felt.
"Potter?" you heard his voice, soft with confusion and disbelief. Maybe he didn't even know that he had done anything wrong. You kept your eyes down, away from his, not wanting to see their cold metallic gaze, not after you saw them sparkling like diamond in ecstasy you gave him.
"Don't you speak to him!" bellowed Ron at Malfoy, "Don't you dare even look at hi! You don't deserve it, you unfeeling, cold-blooded piece of shit! You're scum! You're no better than a rapist!"
Malfoy flinched at those words, especially 'rapist'. You wondered why.
"You deserve the Dementor's Kiss, but even that's too good for you. Hell is too good for you!"
You saw Ron raise his hand to strike him. Malfoy just stood there. The fist came flying…
Glass shattered on the ground and blood trickled from your mouth. Your head faced left form the impact of the punch. The pain was excruciating and you bent over to cough blood into your hands.
"Harry?" asked Ron weakly, "Oh god, Harry I'm so sorry…"
Ron broke down. You had jumped in, pushing away Hermione's arm, to take that blow. As Ron leaned his head on your shoulder and you patted his back for comfort, you vaguely wonder why the teachers didn't do anything to stop this going too far. Bitches, you thought.
Malfoy stared at you, shocked. He raised his hand to touch but you quickly backed away as if he could have burned you.
"Don't, Malfoy," you said, not forcefully, pleading more like, "just don't."
You walked away, your friends surrounding you, shielding you, suffocating you, in a hall of silent souls. Your housemates glared hateful daggers at him, for they knew, if only partially, what he did. The ignorant just whispered lowly to each other, frowning at him, most looking confused.
You left the hall.
You didn't see him fall to his knees, wide eyed and mouth hanging open. You didn't see his friends rush to him, asking what he'd done. You didn't see him run out of the hall in through the exit alone. You didn't see his tears.
Perhaps if you did, you would have understood then, perhaps then you would have had the courage to look up to his eyes, to see them bright and warm, loving you, adoring you. Perhaps then everything would have been alright. Perhaps it would have been a happy ending.
But then again, perhaps not.
You knew instinctively that he was going to be there, by the lake. You were alone, as were he, and the cruel North wind racked you both. He had his back towards you. You kicked it lightly. He swung round, with red puffy eyes marring his otherwise ice cold beauty.
"It seems as if we switched places again," you said quietly. He gave a tiny smirk before turning back away from you.
"Potter, I'm, I'm sorry," he murmured, "I'm so goddamn sorry."
"What for?" you asked bitterly, "You won didn't you?"
"No I didn't. I lost. I lost so bad you won't believe it," he choked, "God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to go so far. I'm disgusting. Weasley's right, I'm no better than a rapist, no I am a rapist."
Malfoy hugged his knees tightly and buried his face in them. You knelt down beside him, watching the ripples on the lake's grey waters.
"You're not a rapist, Malfoy, because, as you said yourself, I enjoyed it. Fucking hell, I enjoyed it. I topped the second time too, remember, and you couldn't force me to do that."
You gazed at him, the pale neck pimpled with goosebumps from the cold, going upwards where wisps of baby hair marked the beginning of his white blonde hair. You wanted to touch that neck, kiss it, lick it, bite it. You tried to ignore the desire which bubbled and burned inside you by shutting your eyes, but you could still smell him, smell that intoxicating blend of vanilla and blood, the unique smell of him. You couldn't help let that desire flavour your voice.
"And how can you say you've lost when you've accomplished everything you said you'd do. I moaned didn't I? I begged, I screamed your name," you paused, the need for him shaking your voice, "I want you, don't you understand? You made me want you! Almost six years with only despise for you, you made me want you, yearn for your touch, pine for your kisses."
"What " he said puzzled, looking up, "so what Weasley said about you not eating and crying yourself to sleep was you pining for me? But I thought…oh god you must hate me so much."
He hid his face again.
"Hate?" you questioned, "Malfoy, don't you remember the last goal you set?"
Slowly he lifted his head and turned himself round to face you. You averted your eyes swiftly and blushed. You saw his slender white hands take yours to hold so tightly as if he was scared of losing you.
"Potter, are you saying what I think you're saying? Potter, look at me! Harry!"
At the sound of your first name falling from his lips, your eyes snapped up to meet hi. They shone, his wonderful, beautiful, diamond eyes, shimmering with happy tears, threatening to burst, loving you, adoring you. He was smiling.
You understood. As you let your lips meet, you understood. With your fingers entwined and as you pressed your bodies closer, you understood. As your eyes fluttered closed and your glasses fell off and your tongues danced around each other, you understood. As your tears mingled and tasted salty in your mouths and you both sighed and moaned in contentment, you understood.
You understood how you loved, why you loved him and most of all you understood that he understood. He loved you too.
I love you
Some words are better left unspoken. These words aren't those words. These words are words which are better heard when you don't say it. Words you can hear most clearly, like the church bell in the morning, through kisses, touches, and sighs. Through your eyes. These words are words which you can feel.
"It seems your amazing plan to ruin my life has backfired, Draco."
"Yes it does, doesn't it? I must think again before making new ones, you have an outrageously sensitive disposition, Harry."
"Yeah, that kinda happens when you have a childhood in a cupboard."
You laughed together, complimenting each other, his high and tinkling and melodic, yours deep and full and sultry. You laughed, not because what you said was terribly funny but for the pure overpowering happiness of it all. You laughed because you can pinpoint to this exact minute was when your broken world finally pieced itself together again, all the should haves and should never haves forgotten, unneeded. You finally realised that it didn't matter that this boy took your heart.
Because he gave you his in return.
END
And that was the ending. The FINAL ending. Did you like? I must thank all those who reviewed on the other one, it really did help my self esteem. I really like 'Hating you, Loathing him' now, probably more than this one.
I was actuall thinking of being needlessly cruel and end this fic at…'But then again, perhaps not' but I had already written the ending, and I like this ending and yeah…it's a happy ending!
REVIEW!