Disclaimer: Square owns FF VII. The whole idea of the Turks messing around in the office is so common it's almost a cliché.
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Picture Perfect"I'm gonna fuckin' kill him."
"Calm down Reno. It can't be that bad."
"Can't be that bad? It's not! It's fuckin' worse. He's fuckin' posted that picture on the fuckin' intranet!"
"What, that one of you snogging that…?"
"I thought it was a bloody woman, okay! I've got the entire company laughing at me now."
"Well you were pretty pissed… whoa, Reno, put that down now!"
Calmly, Reno ejected the magazine from the small submachine gun, checked that he had enough bullets, then slammed it back into the handle of the weapon. Pulling another couple of clips from his desk drawer as well as a .45 pistol. Slipping the extra ammo into a pocket, he tucked the pistol into the waistband of his trousers.
"Sorry, 'Lena. This has to be done."
"Oh, come on Reno, it's only a little prank."
"It's much more than that, 'Lena. It's a matter of male pride. You wouldn't understand."
"So you've got a dick so that makes you more deep, is that it?"
"No, 'course not. Women have PMS to make up for it," Reno smirked.
"Sexist bastard!" Elena lunged at him trying to grab his neck. Reno dodged out of the way and took off down the corridor, cackling like a madman.
Tseng barely glanced at him as he ran past – the sight of Reno running around with heavy artillery was hardly a new sight. He turned and grabbed Elena as she rushed past.
"Where's he going?" Tseng asked with a small smirk.
"Gay bar," Elena replied. They both ducked into Tseng's office as a spray of bullets hit the wall above their heads. Another spray followed them, accompanied by the sound of Reno yelling "I heard that!" down the corridor. Tseng glanced out around the doorframe, checking that Reno had moved on, which he had done; searching for Rude, fully intending to use him as target practice.
Tseng now turned his attention to the small blonde woman in front of him, currently latched onto the lapels of his jacket. As soon as he mentally made the observation, she detached herself and, flustered, started smoothing them out. With a small grin at her obvious embarrassment, he spoke in a soft voice.
"You know," he said, prompting Elena to look up at him, "we never did get around to having that dinner, did we?"
"Err, no we didn't."
"So how about tonight?"
"I can't," she blurted, "I mean, I'd love to, but I'm doing something else tonight. I'm sorry," she added when Tseng looked away, closed his eyes and bit tightly on his bottom lip. She was totally unprepared for the suddenness of Tseng's lips crushing down on hers. He guided her backwards, booting the door closed behind them. In a matter of seconds, she was sat on his desk and his shirt was half unbuttoned, his jacket and tie joining hers on the floor.
It was at this moment that the 'phone on his desk decided to ring. With a stream of curses enough to make Cid Highwind blush, Tseng drew his lips away from Elena's, picked up the 'phone and barked "What?" into it. The person on the other end was doing most of the talking, with Tseng making agreeing noises into the handset. The main reason for not speaking was that Elena was slowly nibbling her way up his neck. After a few minutes, Tseng was getting impatient with the caller so he said, "Look, Reeve, I was busy before you rang and I need to get back to it. I'll call you when I've finished." With that, he hung up the 'phone, grabbed hold of it with both hands and flung it against the wall. "Fucking Scottish twat," he muttered, before turning back to Elena.
"Now," he said, "where were we?"
I think you can guess what happened next.
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Gunshots coming from the canteen were nothing new in the WRO building. Granted, it was usually one of the staff going insane rather than two of the best trained ex-Shinra personnel trying to seriously maim each other. Rude had dived behind the counter when Reno had first entered the room. After firing the first magazine randomly into the air, Reno had up-ended a table and was now crouched behind it, pointing his submachine gun in Rude's general direction and loosing off short bursts at him. A short series of clicks announced the end of Reno's supply of ammunition. He stood up, intending to throw the useless weapon at his partner. Instead, he had a brief view of black leather as one of Rude's fists impacted with his face. He was lifted off his feet, flying backwards through the doors of the canteen and slamming into the wall beyond. Jumping up, he barely had time to duck another of Rude's punches. He backed away from the angry bald man, holding his hands in a placating manner.
"Hey, Rude, buddy, c'mon we're friends right? D'you think you could stop trying to kill me? Please?"
"Sorry. Can't do that."
"Why not?"
"You tried to get me first," replied Rude, taking another swing at Reno. Reno dodged it, landing a kick into the big man's balls. Rude doubled over in pain clutching himself. Reno took the opportunity to put some distance between him and his partner.
"You started it." Good old Reno, always able to make a convincing argument in his own defence.
"Did not." And there's the brilliant comeback.
"Did so."
"Did not."
"Did so."
And so on for about five minutes.
"What did I do to start this?" Rude asked, confused, once they had both run out of breath.
"You don't know?" asked Reno, shocked.
"Well I have been telling you that I didn't start it for the last five minutes!"
"You put The Picture on the company forums!"
"I bloody didn't!"
"Well if not you, then who?"
"Dunno," Rude shrugged, "Rufus maybe?"
"Lets go ask him."
"Why not?" the two of them grinned like The Cheshire Cat and headed of towards the lifts.
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The two other Turks were by this time in the process of getting dressed again. Elena was fastening her tie and trying to get rid of any obvious creases in her uniform (not at the same time, you understand, that's impossible) whilst Tseng was dealing with his hair in the floor length mirror installed onto the back of his door. They both shrugged into their jackets and Elena gave her hair a quick finger comb.
She felt Tseng slip up behind her so she leaned backwards onto his chest. His arms snaked around her waist as he lent in close to her ear.
"You sure you can't make dinner tonight?" he asked.
"I might," she replied, "depends on what you have planned for desert."
"Well the place I had in mind does a really good chocolate gateaux, but if you're in the mood for something … stronger … then I'm sure I could provide something."
A flash of white past the windows distracted them both before Elena could answer. Curious, they approached the glass and gazed downwards at the rapidly diminishing white shape.
"That's Rufus!" gasped Elena.
"And there's Reno and Rude," responded Tseng, pointing upwards. And so there were, both of them still grinning like morons.
Tseng returned his attention to the falling former president of Shinra just in time to the see him impact with the ground. With a muttered "Shit", Tseng turned from the window to deal with the mess that Rufus' death would inevitably cause.
"Sir!" Elena called, causing Tseng to turn from the doorway to look at her, "Rufus is fine, sir."
"He just fell 50 storeys and you're telling me he's fine!"
"He landed on Palmer." They stood there looking at each other for about a second before they both burst out laughing.
"That's fine then. So, dinner?"
"Please."
"Desert?"
"As strong as possible."
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Authors note: All hail the randomness! Wow. According to my spell checker, randomness is actually a word. Didn't know that.