This is the last chapter. No, really.

Part 11: The Decision

"Thank you, Mr. Zhuge!" Liu Bei clutched The Tao of Towels to his chest and turned from the table. "I never dreamed of owning such a treasure!"

Guan Yu grabbed Liu Bei's arm. "Brother, Zhang Fei and I did not want to come here a third time, but we set aside our reservations and followed you anyway. Even though we knew that you grovelling to Zhuge Liang again was a retarded idea, we pressed on up the mountain because you believed that you could convince the strategist to aid us. Now you tell us that you would rather go home and read a book about rags!" Yu's beard hopped about on his shoulders.

"Yes. I am quite happy to leave now," Bei replied.

Fei smacked his lips and looked around. "There anything to drink in this joint?"

Guan Yu roared. "If I had not been pissed out of my mind that night, I would never made a blood oath with you cretins!"

Zhang Fei folded his arms. "And I wouldn't have married either of you!"

Liu Bei snorted. "And I would never have. . . what?"

"You know how it is when you're drunk, darlin'."

"That is why I no longer touch alcohol," Yu muttered.

Sun Jian rested his chin in one hand. "Are you three going or not?"

Liu Bei started for the door, but Guan Yu's massive frame cut in front of him. "We are not leaving until Master Zhuge has made decision. Give me that book, brother."

"Why would you want. . .?" Bei's expression hardened. "You mean to destroy it- no! Guan Yu, I order you to step aside!"

Guan Yu brought Black Dragon up and cracked his brother in the head. The Tao of Towels flew from Liu Bei's grasp as he toppled, and Yu stooped to catch it. Wasting no time, the tall warrior sent the book spinning into the fireplace, where it burst into flames. Bei's groan turned into a horrified gasp.

Guan Yu dusted his hands on his robe and resumed towering over his brother."Now, sit back down."

Zhuge Liang didn't bother to hide his disappointment as Bei crawled back to his seat. Zhang Fei took no notice of his brothers, and Cao Cao banged a fist down on the table. "Can we finally get on with it?"

"Of course," Zhuge Liang said. "Now, allow me to explain how this shall work. . ."

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The four Wu warriors dived aside as Liang's golden blast scorched into the mountain face. The impact threw the officers away forcefully, and the mystic petted his warchicken.

Ling Tong spread his arms wide and twisted gracefully in mid-air, landing lightly with his feet together. Huang Gai's form cannoned into the shrimpy warrior, blasting the air from his lungs and slamming him to the ground. Shang Xiang crashed into them both a second later.

Landing apart from the others, Gan Ning rolled and rose sneering."That the best you got?"

Liang frowned and dropped his warchicken, reaching into his robes "As it happens. . . no." The mystic pulled out a large, cylindrical object, comprised of many long, hollow metal tubes. Mounted on top was a small cross encompassed by a circle, and at one end was crank handle. Zhuge Liang aimed the contraption at Ning and began to turn the handle.

Gan Ning stared dumbly as the object's barrels began to spin, accompanied by a whiring noise. Short bursts of light streamed from the barrels, coming thick and fast and ripping into the stone behind the pirate. Ning ducked and hopped around as Liang cranked the device madly, golden 'bullets' whizzing by. The four Wu officers scampered over rocks and snow, finding cover behind a convenient boulder.

Zhuge Liang advanced slowly, his every move speaking of calmness and confidence. A flurry of the light blasts pounded the boulder, sending stone chips flying over the warriors' heads. "You have brought this upon yourselves. You should not have come."

Gan Ning growled. "This guy's friggin' nuts!

Ling Tong huddled in close to Shang Xiang and grinned. "Hi there, hotness. . ."

"Tong?"

"Yeah?"

Ling Tong's face cracked hard against the boulder. "Don't touch me."

"Someone, create a distraction!" Huang Gai whispered harshly as lasers flashed by on all sides, lighting up the night. Without asking questions, Gan Ning reached over and grabbed a dazed Ling Tong by the throat.

Zhuge Liang raised an eyebrow in suprise as one of the foolish mortals came flying over the boulder towards him, arms flailing. Releasing his grip on his magical gattling gun, he took a single, perfunctory step to the left. Ling Tong crashed into the ground where Liang had been standing, legs bent at awkward angles. "Oooo, that feels unnatural. . ."

Liang looked down on the officer's pitiful form and sighed. He leveled his magical weapon, its barrels beginning to spin again.

A meat bun-sized hunk of rock smashed into the mystic's forehead, sending him stumbling back with a strangled cry. Huang Gai shouted in victory and clamoured over the boulder, Ning and Shang Xiang following. By the time they reached Ling Tong's side though, Liang and his strange weapon had vanished. All that remained of the mystic was his chicken.

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"That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard all minute!" Cao Cao stormed. "How will that determine who is worthy?"

"I agree," Sun Jian voiced loudly. "Maybe you're not as smart as I had heard."

"Do not question my wisdom," Zhuge Liang said calmly. "Do you know how many stars there are in the sky, or the square root of 546 766?"

"What? Of course not."

"Well I do. So shut it." Without warning Liang slumped forward, blood trickling from his forehead. A second later the mystic raised a hand to calm the warriors. "I am fine," he assured them, sitting upright again with a hand held to his forehead. It takes more than a hunk of rock to stop me. "Do not fear."

Cao Cao folded his arms. "Ah yes- cranial stigmata. Nothing to worry about."

Liang ignored him and reached into his amazingly accomodating robe. He pulled out a clear bottle, made of dull blue glass. It was half full with sparkling liquid.

Zhang Fei's eyes lit up. "About time!"

Guan Yu stared at Fei for several long moments. "Be quiet, brother."

Zhuge Liang reached forward and carefully set the bottle on its side, directly between Liu Bei, Cao Cao, Sun Jian and Yuan Shao.

"And your alliegance hinges on a single spin of that?" Yuan Shao scoffed. "Ridiculous!"

Liu Bei stared at the bottle. "Can you not do something a bit more. . . mystical?"

"The bottle is enchanted," the strategist explained slowly, as though he were speaking to children. "The liquid within has incredible mystical properties, which I have not the patience to explain to you. . . laymen." Liang's eyes raked across the gathered heroes, settling on Zhang Fei. "None of you are to touch this. The bottle's enchantment is extremely delicate, and its power is limited. There is only enough for a single spin, one chance to determine who among you is worthy of my brilliance."

"This is bullshit," Xiahou Dun snapped.

"Silence," Liang said, leaving no room for further words. "It is time to spin the bottle. Whoever it points to shall be- "

Zhang Fei's hand shot out and wrapped around the bottle's neck, his thumb popping the cap. He lifted the vessel, snapped his head back and emptied its contents down his throat.

"No!" Zhuge Liang stumbled forward out of his chair. Liu Bei and Guan Yu's faces twisted in horror at their brother.

Fei wiped the back of his hand across his mouth. "Ahh, that's good stuff! Got any mo- " His face contorted weirdly. "Oh boy. . ."

Cao Cao shot to his feet. "You stupid fat BASTARD!"

Guan Yu folded his arms and looked away. "Bugger the oath; I do not know him."

"What does it do, that stuff he drank?" Liu Bei demanded of Liang.

"Cleans out drains, one would hope," Yuan Shao growled.

"Oooo, I don't feel good. . ."

Zhuge Liang sighed. "Any pain or disomfort he feels are temporary. There should be no physical side-effects, though it will likely lower his IQ further into the minus digits."

The sound of ripping cloth filled the air, and a muscular arm burst from the right side of Zhang Fei's torso. Another sprouted from his left.

Liang shrugged. "I did say 'should be.' "

Sun Ce blinked. "That's some Willy Wonka shit."

"I was thinking Mortal Kombat," Xiahou Dun voiced.

Sun Jian drew his sword and cleaved a chunk off the table. "What the hell do we do now? Master Zhuge said there was only one chance, and that bloated shithead just ruined it!"

"Yes, it is impossible to decide anything without a bottle," Guan Yu said sarcastically. He glaced sideways at Fei. "For some of us."

Yuan Shao snorted. "We all know that it would have chosen me, anyway."

"Says the King with the Golden Crotch," Cao Cao retorted.

Shao smiled. "I shall take that as a compliment, old friend."

"Gold is a soft metal."

Liu Bei eyed Zhang Fei's two new arms warily. "Brother. . . how do you feel now?"

"Zonked," the fat warrior slurred.

Cao Cao started pacing, then spun on his heel. With teeth bared, he slammed his hands flat on the table. "That's IT! I've had enough of this whole bloody thing! Zhuge Liang, if you don't decide who to serve within the next ten seconds, I'm just going to fucking kill you."

Liang's guests collectively gaped, but the mystic's only change in expression was to raise a single eyebrow.

"It has already been decided."

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Sun Shang Xiang stared defiantly at the iron gates of Zhuge Liang's garden. No matter how hard she made Huang Gai try, they refused to buckle.

Gai hurled his iron club aside. It was bent almost beyond recognition. "I am sorry, Lady Sun. I do not think we can get in there."

The princess growled. "I'm not giving up- put your back into it!"

Close to an hour passed, and the four were still on the outside looking in.

Ling Tong sighed heavily. "Dammit, there's just no way in!"

"Great, then can we go home now?" Gan Ning asked hopefully.

Shang Xiang ignored the question and folded her arms. "Whoever finds a way in gets to marry me."

Ling Tong threw himself at the iron bars. "OPENOPENOPEN!"

"Who'd want to marry her?" Gan Ning muttered. "She's got the gene that made Sun Quan."

Huang Gai looked around the dark summit for a few moments, deep in thought. It was several moments before he registered the soft clucking coming from near his foot. Zhuge Liang's warchicken looked up at Gai innocently.

Shang Xiang, Ning and Tong turned as Gai cleared his throat. He was holding the chicken upside down by the legs. The bird was flapping its wings in a frenzy. "Look, it is the wizard's familiar! Maybe it can be of use to us."

Gan Ning sniggered. "Don't point your cock at me, old man."

Ling Tong smirked. "It's a chicken, retard."

"I know that, Kung Fu Barbie."

The warchicken squaked as Huang Gai shook it. "Lady Sun, what do you think? If we could get it to shoot one of those. . . beams at the gate, then. . ."

"And how are we supposed to do that?," the princess demanded. "It's a magic chicken- do you see any levers?"

Huang Gai shook his head. "It must work somehow. We just need to find what sets it off." To accentuate, he pulled one of the bird's legs. It screeched loudly, but didn't cough up a laser. Gai shrugged and pulled the other leg.

Several minutes of poking and proding the chicken did nothing but piss the bird off. Gan Ning looked up from where he lazed against a rock. "Give it up, old man. "

Ling Tong crashed into the gate with a scissor kick. The clanging reverberated along the fence.

Huang Gai grunted. "There must be something we haven't tried. . ."

"Maybe the controls are up its arse," Tong muttered as he rose unsteadily. He noticed the older man staring at him, and noticed the other two staring as well. He took a step back. "Ooooh no, no way am I sticking my hand up. . ."

". . . this is disgusting. Huang Gai, I really, truly hate you." Ling Tong drove his hand in deeper. The chicken's eyes bulged.

Shang Xiang shielded her eyes with one hand. "Gross. When this is over, you are having that hand cut off."

"This's gotta to be the happiest moment of my life," Gan Ning chuckled.

Ling Tong pressed his assault on the bird's rectum. "Getting turned on, corsair?"

"No, but the chicken is."

"Enough!" Huang Gai boomed. "Ling Tong, have you found anything that might. . . you know. . . help?"

"I found there's plenty of room in here. Other than that, no. . . wait! Something metallic. . . I think it's a. . . lever. I'm going to pull it. . ."

Gan Ning waved his arms and stepped away. "Hey, wait a- "

A blast of golden light shot out from the warchicken's gaping beak. Night seemed like day for a moment, and Ning was hurled aside as the pillar of light tore through rock and iron.

The light subsided, and the remains of Zhuge Liang's gate clattered to the stone. Ling Tong grinned. "Hah! So Lady Sun, when are we getting married?"

The princess gestured disdainfully to the chicken still planted firmly on the man's hand. "How about you keep your hand, and I keep mine?" Without waiting for a reply, she ran off into Liang's garden. Gai followed close behind. Gan Ning staggered to his feet and dusted himself off. "I think you can stop the cavity search now, loverboy."

Ling Tong looked down to his chicken-coated hand. "Oh, er. . . right." He grabbed the bird by the throat and started to pull. And pull. The chicken swore in its native language. Tong gritted his teeth and hopped about wildly. "I-it's stuck! Grr, come on. . . you. . . bastard!"

"New happiest moment of my life," Ning declared with a grin. He turned and followed Huang Gai into Liang's garden. "I'm so glad I came here."

"H-hey! Help me, dammit!"

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"Tell. Me. Who!," Cao Cao grated dangerously, cutting the air with his sword. "One more thimble-full of bullshit and I'll plant you in your garden!"

"Sticks and stones, Lord Cao Cao." Zhuge Liang cleared his throat. "But, as you wish. From this day forth I shall serve Lord. . .

. . . Zhang Fei."

"WHAT!?," the room shouted.

Cao Cao's forehead vein pulsed violently as he took a determined step towards Liang. Liu Bei and Guan Yu stared at their brother in disbelief, and Zhang Fei flexed his four heavily-muscled arms. Yuan Shao sat still, mouth hanging open.

"How the freezing frigging hell did you work that out?," Sun Jian demanded, rising. Sun Ce rose beside his father, and Sun Quan giggled as he poked himself in the eye.

Zhuge Liang glided slowly around the table to the fireplace, depression etched on his firelit face. "It is not my fault. Do you honestly think that I would choose to serve. . . that? He smells like a brewery full of burning dog faeces." The mystic narrowed his eyes. "He did, however, drink the Divining Liquid. By default, I am to serve him."

"Absurd!" Cao roared. "You will serve ME!"

"Incorrect. I will serve Zhang Fei, who drank the liquid."

Yuan Shao snatched up the empty blue bottle and shook it over his open mouth. "Come on, damn you!" He slammed it down on the table a moment later. "That fat bastard drank it all!"

Fei grinned and belched. "Wow, I get a drink, two extra arms and a new slave- must be my birthday or something!" He scratched at his beard and turned to the strategist.. "All right, Colonel Sanders, put the chicken down and listen good-"

"Shut up." Liang folded his arms, looking even more cheated than Cao Cao. "I do not like this situation any better than you do," he told Cao and the others with a sour face. "The only way that I could serve someone else now would be if Zhang Fei were to. . . die."

Cao Cao grabbed the blue bottle and smashed it on the table edge. "I'll do it!"

As the bottle-wielding Cao came flying across the table, Guan Yu swept Black Dragon across to smash the Wei ruler in the face. As Cao slid off the table, the Shu warrior glanced at Fei and swore. "My apologies, Lord Cao Cao. Please continue."

Even with two extra arms, Zhang Fei backed off as the other guests started to close in, a dazed but determined Cao Cao leading the way. Xiahou Dun grinned wickedly as he drew his scimitar, and Guan Yu's beard held the discarded broken bottle menacingly.

Fei raised his four arms before him. "Aw, come on! Don't you think you're being a bit hasty? Liu Bei? Bro?"

"You ate my cookies, Zhang Fei. I want a pound of flesh."

Fei backed off faster. "Oh, holy shit. . ."

Now atop the table, Zhuge Liang fanned himself with more poultry, taking some satisfaction from the scene.

Fei fell a wall against his back. His small mind raced. "Uh, er, uh. . . " A light went off in his head. "Xiahou Dun shagged Yue Ying!"

". . ." Zhuge Liang was silent. All eyes except the mystic's averted Dun abruptly.

Dun shifted nervously and cleared his throat. "T-that's a lie!"

Guan Yu hung his head. "Zhang Fei, you idiot."

Yue Ying growled at her new mate's denile, and Liang studied her beastly face. "Yue Ying. . . is what Lord Zhang Fei said true?"

"NO!," Cao Cao shouted. "It's a lie! Why would he even touch that loathsome bitch- she looks like something a cat coughed up, pissed on and-and . . . should I stop talking now?"

"That would be advisable," Liang stated coldly. "Ying? Answer me!"

"Love is blind," Sun Jian muttered. "Half blind, anyway."

Sun Ce elbowed his father and nodded to the strategist. "Dude, he looks, like, really angry."

"I think we should be going now," Liu Bei said, edging away from Zhuge Liang, Dun and Ying.

Yuan Shao made for the door. "I just remembered I have a mustache appointment. . ."

The mystic snapped his fingers and sheets of roaring fire sprang up, surrounding those in the room. He turned slowly to face Xiahou Dun, and with his outraged expression and the backdrop of flames he looked something like Sephiroth. On crack.

"None of you shall be leaving here alive." Liang pulled a small remote control from his robe. "But first, there are pests in my garden."

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Gan Ning took a running leap over a garden gnome's laser, rolling as he hit the ground only to come face-to-face with another pipe-smoking statue. Huang Gai pulled the pirate aside as a red laser burst from the gnome's unzipped fly.

Shang Xiang cartwheeled by another gnome, Ling Tong running at her side, chicken still on hand. The four soon stood in a tight circle, looking out at the maze of squat sentinels as they caught their breath..

"All right," Ning wheezed. "Doesn't look like these little bastards can move. We just gotta stay- "

The sound of stone grating on stone filled the night. Garden gnomes all around began to pivot slowly, turning towards the small band from Wu. The four were moving before the first laser was fired.

Red beams criss-crossed in every direction. As he ran, Ling Tong rasied his clucking gauntlet and returned fire. The maze lit up like daytime as the golden pillar blew a gnome to fragments. The shrimpy officer continued to fire the warchicken wildly, bringing up the rear of the group.

Shang Xiang ducked behind an over-sized and inanimate gnome, which stood at the centre of the labyrinth. Gai, Ning and Tong threw themselves behind it too, but it provided little cover as the beams sliced in. Tong leaned out to blast another gnome. "Uh, are we hiding behind a giant Cao Cao statue?"

As if in answer, a laser cut through the huge gnome's neck, and its head slid off neatly and crashed to the tiles. Cao Cao's sneering visage stared up blankly, and Gan Ning shrieked involuntarily.

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From the ceiling dangled a single, thick chain. Suspended in the air by that chain was a cage. Said cage was large and dome-shaped, and was rocking gently over a rather large pit. Inside the cage were Liang's guests, all now disarmed.

"Cao Cao," Dun began.

"YOU'RE FIRED!" the Wei ruler roared.

"But I gave you the best years of my life- and an eye!"

"Xiahou Yuan shot it out; that hardly counts!"

Yuan Shao swore nobely. "Cao Cao, this is your fault! If you commoners didn't try to mate with anything that moves- "

"As opposed to you, who mates with Zhang He?"

Guan Yu grabbed the cage's bars and looked down. Standing not far from the edge of the pit was Zhuge Liang, once again looking calm and unruffled. To his right crouched Yue Ying, and to his left a long, metal lever was set into the stone floor. Yu growled. "This is outrageous! Release us immediately!"

"Yeah!" Zhang Fei yelled. "Xiahou Dun's the only one you want!"

"Hey!"

Liang reached down to stroke Ying's coarse hair. "You all attempted to hide Lord Xiahou Dun's. . . activities from me."

"Cause we knew you'd go apeshit!" Sun Ce protested.

"Irrelevant. Your one-eyed colleague and my wife-"

"You couldn't give her what she needed!" Dun yelled down. Cao Cao banged his head against the bars.

The mystic's eyes glowed with rage. "The only thing that you could give my wife is the pox." Yue Ying showed her fangs and lifted her scythe. Liang smiled. "Ah, my sweet little angel of death. . ."

"Why isn't she up here?" Cao Cao demanded. "It's not like Dun worked alone!"

"I forgive my Yue Ying. We all make mistakes."

"That'd be bloody right," Cao bitched. "You cannot blame cousin for this- he's insane! He tried to eat his own brother's damn head!"

The mystic ignored Cao and turned away, walking over to a large plush chair, Ying padding along beside him. Without looking back Liang said, "Of course, I could put her in the cage with you, if that is what you truly wish."

"Hell no, you keep that psycho away! I'm not going to- "

"Enough, Cao Cao," Liu Bei said wearily. "You will only make it worse."

"Shove it, hippie! The only way this could be worse is if you and Zhang Fei started making out. 'Oh, you're like half an octopus!' God help us if you can't control your urges, either."

Zhang Fei stood up fast. "Brother is not an octopus!"

"What's inside your head, another stomach?," Cao snapped.

Liu Bei made vigorous calming motions with his hands. "This is not constructive! We shouldn't argue and fight- rather work together in peace!"

"Peace, peace, peace!" the Wei ruler sneered. "What are you, Bono and Geldof's love child?"

"Will you two shut up and let my brilliant mind work?" Yuan Shao growled. "I can't hear myself think!"

"You're not missing anything," Sun Jian quipped.

Cao Cao sniggered.

Sun Ce nudged Sun Jian. "Pop. . . I gotta go to the toilet. For real this time."

"Oh, for the love of god, Ce!"

Guan Yu rubbed his velcroed chin forlornly as he backed away from the Wu prince. He instead looked down on Zhuge Liang. "How long do you intend to keep us like this? Our allies and friends know exactly where we are!"

Looking up from his chair, Liang smiled faintly. "Fear not; I shall only be keeping you another. . . four minutes." The mystic rose again, approaching the pit.

Yu frowned in suprise. "Are you serious? You went through all of this, and now you are letting us go?"

"I am sorry, did I say that I was letting you go?" The mystic's hand reached for the metal lever jutting from the floor. "Will you not stay supper?"

He pulled the lever, and with a heavy clunk and the grinding of chains, the cage slowly began to descend. Towards the pit.

"He's letting us go, right?" Ce asked.

"I am afraid you have outstayed your welcome," the man in white continued. "Did you know that two flesh weasals can strip a human body of all meat in under seven seconds?"

"Come on, how the hell'd we know that? That's gotta be the most obscure fact in-" Zhang Fei paused. "Uh, why'd you ask?"

In the pit, many small, furry things growled.

"Oh."

"Hang on, you're gonna to feed us to weasels?" Sun Ce laughed. "Dude, that is so lame.I mean, like, where's the sharks with fricken' laser beams?"

"Shut up, Ce," Jian barked. The cage continued to wind its way downwards. "So, we're going to fed to flesh-eating animals. . ."

"So much for not being evil!" Cao Cao shouted. "You're insane, Liang!"

"No, Lord Cao Cao; I am a genius." He rubbed his chin. "Any last requests; a quick sing-song perhaps? Do any of you know 'Starman'?"

The heroes crowded closer to the centre of the cage, away from the bars. Liu Bei whimpered. "But I'm the Good Guy. . ."

Sun Jian looked about frantically as the cage dropped lower. "Okay Jigsaw, who are you planning to serve once you kill us all?"

The chain and cage jerked to a stop.

"I . . ." Zhuge Liang stood silently for several moments. ". . . Meng Huo. . . I suppose. I never really thought about it."

"Hah, Meng Huo! You'd have less chance of being eaten if you joined Liu Bei!" Cao Cao shook his head. "You really should let me down. It's not too late for us to forget this whole thing ever happened."

The cage jerked into motion again, continuing to lower. Cao hurled himself against the bars. "You unhinged little nerd! Let me out of here!"

Sun Jian hit the bars beside Cao. "Release us immediately!" He fell back. "I feel like a-a-"

"Tiger in a cage," Liu Bei finished helpfully.

"Flegggle!" Sun Quan announced, putting both his fists in his mouth.

Zhuge Liang fanned himself lazily. "You should know that most of you were doomed from the moment you set foot on my mountain. Once my new lord had been chosen, it was always my intention to kill the rest of you." He sighed. "My plan was brilliant, truly brilliant. Through cunning manipulation I drew you all here, and through-"

"Will you get the fuck OVER yourself?" Cao Cao roared. "You've got a god complex, we get it, all right? This fic's almost over and we're about to be eaten alive by flesh weasels. I think we'd all appreciate it if you'd just SHUT UP!"

". . . . . Oh . . . . . fine then. If that is how you feel." The mystic turned from them slowly, walking back to his chair. "Watch the females; they tend to eat the tesicles first."

Xiahou Dun stretched an arm out of the cage desperately. "Ying, I know our time together was short, but did it mean nothing to you?"

"Ow, she bit my finger!" Dun stuck the digit in his mouth, and teetered on the edge of another psychotic trance.

The cage began to sink into the darknesss of the weasel pit. Sun Ce jumped up and grabbed the roof of the cage, soiling himself in the process. Oh yeah, that's been bugging me all day. . . "Uh, dudes, if you can get us out of here, like, now'd totally be a good time!"

"Yes, because escaping before now would have just been silly," Sun Jian muttered sarcastically.

"Freeze, Jareth!" Sun Shang Xiang yelled, bursting into the room. "Return my brother. . . s . . . and father!" Behind her came Gai, Ning and Tong. The last one in bent to one knee and fired his warchicken. A thick blast of light scorched into the wall near Liang.

"Hell yeah!" Ce yelled.

Jian grinned, then scowled. "Shang Xiang, the lever! Hurry!" Scores of narrow red eyes glinted in the darkness just below.

Liang frowned, but ignored the blast from Tong's chicken. "So, you made it through my labyrinth. I thought the gnomes would have taken care of you. . . oh well. Ying, kill them."

The mystic's wife lunged at Shang Xiang, scythe held low. The princess crossed her chakrams and snapped a roundhouse kick into the beast woman's face. Xiahou Dun looked jealous as they began to fight.

Huang Gai rushed to the cage and grabbed two bars. His muscles bulged as he tried to keep it from dropping further. Gan Ning ran for the lever, Ling Tong beside him. Zhuge Liang fired his warchicken at the duo, barely missing. Tong lifed his own warchicken to return fire as Ning grabbed for the lever.

The strategist lifted his hand as Tong's golden beam raced towards him. A yin and yang symbol backed by a shield of green light appeared before Liang, dispersing the blast. "Foolish, foolish, foolish. . ."

Thanks to Gan Ning, the cage's descent halted again, two feet from the bottom of the pit. Close to a hundred flesh weasels growled and hissed, thier gleaming white fangs and red eyes a contrast to their coarse black fur. One scrambled up into the cage, and the metal prison's balance tipped as everyone fled to the left side. The weasel slid down the now-slanted floor towards them, grinning evilly.

"EEEK, VERMIN!" Yuan Shao clutched his crotch protectivly and scrambled aside. Arms flailing, the weasel skidded past him and out the other side of the cage. Another weasel clambered aboard.

"Kick it off!" Cao Cao yelled. "Xiahou Dun!"

Dun folded his arms. "I'm not giving you any more of my balls!"

Cao swore. "Liu Bei, you don't have any gonads- kick the bloody thing!"

"And risk my beautiful straw shoes?"

The weasel scampered forward hungrily. It was over a foot long.

Sun Jian grabbed Sun Quan by the ankles and swung him, swatting the ravenous creature out of the cage. Quan's head smashed into the bars with a hollow clang.

Lasers flashed by above the pit. "Shang Xiang, bring us up!" Jian called.

The princess fended off a sweeping scythe strike and glanced to Huang Gai and Gan Ning. They were trying to reverse the lever. "Father, hold on!"

More flesh weasels were climbing over the lip of the cage, coming faster. The flow began to thicken, and the heroes started kicking wildly, their legs rising and falling rapidly and their boots clicking on the cage floor. A fiddle almost started playing in the background.

Soon there were too many weasels to turn back. The valiant warriors were about to be overwhelmed when suddenly. . . the furry tide stopped dead. Slitted red eyes widened in awe as the stared up at the heroes.

"What is going on?" Liu Bei whispered. "Why have they stopped?"

"I don't care!" Cao Cao yelled, kicking an unmoving creature. "What are you waiting for- now's our chance!"

The flesh weasels remained still as their comrade was booted from the cage. Their heads were tilted back, gazing up at. . .

Guan Yu cleared his throat. "Why are they. . . staring at me?"

"Because you look so tasty," Liu Bei said disquietingly. It was true. Not about Yu looking tasty, the other thing. The weasels all stared up at the red-faced man.

Another weasel caught the Cao Cao Express.

Guan Yu's beard dropped to the floor with a soft thud. It picked itself up hastily and stepped forward. The weasels drew back. Rows and rows of the furry black creatures rose and fell as they bowed, as if in worship.

"What. . . the hell," Zhang Fei murmured.

"I'm not seeing this," Sun Jian assured himself. "This is insane."

Liu Bei looked around nervously as Cao Cao ejected another creature. "Brother. . ."

Guan Yu knelt down beside his beard. "Steve? Why are they. . .?" The silken shape drew itself up to whisper in his ear. Yu's eyes widened. He rose slowly, needing support from Liu Bei.

"It seems. . . that Steve is. . . a flesh weasel," Guan Yu said mutely. "He is their ancient god reincarnate. These are his people."

"Bull and shit," Sun Jian muttered half-heartedly, looking around.

"But he's already a god!" Dun protested. "Greedy bastard!"

Zhang Fei folded all of his arms. "Maybe your eye could've been a god- you know, if you hadn't eaten it."

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Shang Xiang's unconscious form was tossed carelessly aside by Yue Ying, but not before the beast woman had slapped a 'resevered' sticker across her forehead. With a roar, Huang Gai ran in to take up the fight with her.

Zhuge Liang floated across the floor. "That is my chicken, Lord Ling Tong. Why do you have your hand up its rectum?"

"Isn't that how you. . . " Tong wrinkled his nose. "Aw, dammit!"

The cage rose from the pit, and a blast from Ling Tong's chicken cleaved through the bars on one side. Half the cage fell open, and the heroes piled out. They were followed by a stampede of flesh weasels. As the heroes scrambled to where their weapons were heaped, Yue Ying leaped over Huang Gai to land beside Zhuge Liang. She circled him defensivly.

Cao Cao pointed his sword at Liang. "Show's over, Gandalf! Put your cock away!"

"I see you have somehow managed to turn Yue Ying's family against me. That goes to show you never can trust the in-laws, I suppose." The mystic sheathed his warchicken and looked around at the pointy things aimed at him. He clapped his hands once. "Well, quite a turnout. I must say I that did not see this coming."

"Charlatan," Sun Jian muttered. "See the future my arse."

"Your ass can see the future?"

"Shut up, Ce."

Zhuge Liang frowned sharply. "I cannot see everthing, Lord Sun Jian. However, I can see that Wu has been left in the capable hands of Da and Xiao Qiao. They have turned your palace into a colossal doll house."

Jian twitched. He mentally put the sisters on the 'to-kill' list, below Sun Quan and Sun Ce.

Yuan Shao approached Liang and Ying, sword extended. He, Liu Bei and Sun Jian drew level with Cao Cao, and together the faced Liang. "It is time to meet your maker, you treacherous-"

Liang raised a hand for silence, and the four swords dipped slightly. "I have decided that I shall serve Liu Bei after all."

The silence was loud.

Cao Cao's mouth hung open for several seconds before it formed words. "That's not. . . you can't. . . what about that fat shit?" He waved his sword at Zhang Fei. "He drank your fruity magic grog, remember?"

Liang smiled slightly. "Yes, there is a funny thing. According to the Rulebook, that actually did not count at all. My mistake."

Liu Bei beamed. "Thank you, Mr. Zhuge! Together we shall restore the Han, and bring about the age of laughing puppies!" Fei grinned, and even Guan Yu's lips formed what could pass for a smile.

"Hold on one goddamn second!," Cao Cao stormed. "You're choosing that pissant over me? He's a weakling! He eats people, remember?"

Zhuge Liang made his way over to the Shu ruler. "So you are fond of reminding us. However, Lord Cao Cao, your, Lord Sun Jian's and Lord Yuan Shao's strategists seem to have a tendancy to die untimely deaths. Lord Liu Bei has no such reputation."

"That's because he didn't have anyone worth killing!"

The mystic shrugged and turned. "Come, Lord Liu Bei, we have plans to make. Let me tell you about what I like to call 'the Three Kingdoms.' " The Brothers Shu hurried after Zhuge Liang, Yue Ying and a stampede of flesh weasels trailing.

Xiahou Dun watched Ying leave sadly. "We could have been good together. . ."

Yuan Shao hurled his sword to the floor. "Intolerable! What an outrage!"

"Just bloody brilliant," Sun Jian spat. "Liu frigging Bei! He wasn't even in the running before!"

Shang Xiang limped forward. "Father, I'm so glad you're- "

"Liu Bei!" Jian continued over his daughter. "That's actually almost funny. . ."

"It's about as funny as a burning supply depot!" Shao snapped.

"Liu Bei, always Liu Bei!" Cao shouted, waving is arms. "What did he ever do to deserve anything?"

Jian shook his head. "Probably all that 'ruling justly and helping the poor.' "

"If god had intended poor people to be happy he would have given them money," Yuan Shao huffed.

"What the hell are we supposed to do now?" Cao growled. "There aren't any other decent strategists around. . . unless. . ."

Zhuge Liang's head poked back around the corner. "Oh, and you will be happy to know that I have decided not to kill you; you are all free to leave." He paused thoughtfully. "I have heard that Sima Yi is in the market for a new lord. Perhaps you may wish to climb his mountain now."

As Liang retreated once more, the remaining heroes looked around the room, avoiding eye contact with each other.

Sun Jian rubbed his neck and looked at the ceiling. "Well, I'm not going."

"Oh, no," Cao Cao said dismissively. "Me either. Too much effort after all this."

Yuan Shao bent to retrieve his sword. "I agree. I have no intention of seeking out this. . . Sime Yi fellow."

Sun Jian nodded. "Let's all just go home."

Cao Cao hammered his boot into Yuan Shao's balls. As the man collapsed, the Wei ruler sprinted across the room. "Come, Xiahou Dun!"

The one-eyed general ran after his lord. "Is Sima Yi married?"

Sun Jian swore and took off after Cao, grabbing Quan and Ce as he went.

"You bastards," Shao mewed as hobbled after the others.

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Somewhere to the north, atop a lone mountain, Sima Yi sat upon an overstuffed purple bean bag. Fanning himself with a dead vulture, the strategist smiled. Then began to giggle.

"Hehehe-heeeehahahahahaAHAHAHAHAAA- "

Yi's helmet slipped down over his eyes.

"Shit."

THE END

There you have it. Thanks a lot to everyone who R&Red, and for suggestions via reviews.