Disclaimer: I own nothing. Tengo mi propio nada.

Once upon a time, in a faraway land known as Florida, a boy named Jared was on eBay. He typed in "possessed antique furniture." He found a toilet that flushes upward, a dead man's chest and a wardrobe from some guy in England named The asking price was one Turkish pound, which did not exist, and when eBay tried to convert it to U.S. dollars it came out as negative five, so sexyprof paid Jared five dollars for the wardrobe.

Several weeks later Jared got the wardrobe.

"This thing smells funny, like orphaned British children and old Chinese food. Hey! Maybe there's still some in here!"

Jared then climbed into the wardrobe, which was not filled with Chinese food, but lots and lots of fur coats. Jared crawled through the fur coats logically thinking that the professor had hidden the Chinese food at the very back of the wardrobe and the coats were only a clever ploy. Unfortunately, Jared never found the back of the wardrobe.

"Where the hell does this thing end! Hey, is that snow? Are those branches? Oh my god, I'm in…Disney World!"

Just then, a strange creature that resembled a goat-man appeared.

"Welcome to Narnia, I'm Mr. Tumnus!" he said in a high and very creepy falsetto.

"Are you the delivery boy?"

"No, I'm a faun!"

Jared looked confused. "So, you're a female deer?"

"No," replied Tumnus, leering in an uncomfortable fashion and remaining very cheerful. "But you can be if you want to, I mean um…are you a son of Adam?"

"My Dad's name is Peter…But wait a sec, my Mom's sexy co-worker is named Adam! I knew it! I was born of an affair!"

Jared then slapped Mr. Tumnus and ran screaming into a tall streetlamp knocking himself unconscious.

When he awoke, Jared found himself in what appeared to be the set of an 80's X-rated movie. Just then Mr. Tumnus appeared over Jared and said "Oh wait, wrong room." And knocked him out again.

When Jared woke up a second time he found himself in a cozy looking cave/den. Mr. Tumnus was coincidentally sitting across form Jared, staring at him and licking his lips.

"Am I dead?" asked Jared.

"No, we're having tea!" exclaimed Mr. Tumnus. "Would you like tea, crumpets, roofie?"

"What was that last one?"

"Crumpets."

"Oh, alright, I'll take some crumpets."

Mr. Tumnus advanced on Jared eyes slit seductively and whispered, "Have you ever heard a Narnian lullaby?"

"Uh…no."

Mr. Tumnus put on his sound system and said, "Good, because this won't sound anything like one."

Suddenly Jared perked up his ears.

"Hey… This sounds an awful lot like Barry White…I think its time for me to go home now…"

"No!" cried out Mr. Tumnus, "It's been so long since I've had company and it's been such a long, cold winter!"

Jared ran out of Tumnus's house screaming and hit a streetlamp knocking himself unconscious…Again…