In The Dark

I'm sitting in the dark right now, remembering. I'm lying on my bed, staring into nothing. A full glass of wine is standing next to an uneatened chocolate bar on my nightstand. Remembering is a terrible thing.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I remember it was his third year at Hogwarts and my first year teaching. I still crack a smile everytime I hear the words Professor Lupin. I was in hate with both Sirius and myself.

Though I never stopped hating myself, not really.

Now, I'm not blind. I saw how Harry treated me different from his other teachers. I simply assumed that it was because I was the only link to his parents.

It must have been around one in the morning when my office door opened. I had not yet had the pleasure of sleep when he arrived.

"Harry? What are you doing out of your dormitory at this hour? I thought-" I rose from my bed.

"I know." He whispered quietly. "I…I had a nightmare. About my mum and dad." Ah, he knew exactly what to say to make me soften.

"Did you now? Would you like some chocolate?" He shook his head.

"...I just wanted someone to stay with." He choked. I noticed he was trembling as well. I thought it was the nightmare and it may have well been. I have always been know to give myself too much credit. I brushed past him.

"You can have my bed."

"P-professor." He grabbed my arm.

"Harry?"

"Don't leave me…please?" Harry's eyes pleaded more than his words. He seemed so lost, so helpless.

So I became lost.

"All right….I'll just curl up in the armchair then." His grip tightened.

You won't stop the nightmares if you're so far away." He whispered.

"Harry, are you suggesting that I-"

"Just keep the nightmares away…" I nodded. He gave me a shy smile.

"I'm sorry, Professor."

"Its quite all right, Harry." We crawled under the sheets. Its only James' son. He would never…I had spent the entire year thinking his feelings for me were innocent.

I learned differently that night. He sighed and snuggled up to me. I stiffened. Just a child…just a boy…

"Thank you." He sighed.

"Mmm…get some rest." I let my eyes drift close and I fell asleep.

My eyes registered the darkness. I knew it had to be much, much later into the night. I felt lips on my neck. There was only one person it could be. How long had he-? I opened my mouth to say something but he got there first.

"I love you, Remus." He whispered in my ear, kissing the skin beneath it. "But you can't ever know." He placed feather light kisses of misguided "love" on my face. I shut my eyes.

"I wonder what you would say if all I ever wanted to do was spend time with you, wizarding world be damned?" He laughed softly. "You'd probably tell me to do the right thing and help all those people." Harry… He molded his young, adolescent body against my ragged, torn one.

"I want you to touch me…" A hand slid down my stomach. "To make love to me…" His hand brushed against my arousal. He made a soft, excited noise. "I did that. Are you dreaming of me? I want you to kiss me. I want to feel you while you are awake. I want you, Remus…" I felt his breath caress my lips. I should stop it, I thought. Now…

"Its unfair that you are in the world of dreams when you, my dream, are lying next to me." His lips descended on mine. Oh God…push him off…He ran his tongue over my lips.

"If only I could do this when you were awake." He rubbed my chest, kneading the flesh with his small hands. My breath hitched. He ceased his touching of me.

"Professor….?" His voice sounded small and frightened. I forced my breathing to go slow. After a few minutes, which drug on like decades, he began to touch me again.

"I was worried there, Professor." He mummered, nipping my ear. He sighed. "I love you so much…" He nuzzled his face into my neck. I suppressed a moan. Bite me, mark me, claim me…He put his lips to my neck and kissed it gently. Harry moaned softly.

That was the last sound I hear other than my ragged breathing for the rest of the night.

"Morinin', Professor." He grinned at me.

"Harry…" I pointed to my neck. He left a bruise. His smiled faded. I sighed.

"I want you to know that I do not think any less of you but…it would be better if you saved your affections for someone else."

"But-" Watching his face, seeing him break like that, was almost enough to break my resolve. But, it had to be done. I held up my hand to silence him.

"I am over two decades older than you are, Harry. And I was a good friend of your parent's. I will not insult their memory." He nodded.

"Yes, Professor." He replied in a deadened voice. How I wanted him to call me Remus again! I forced a smile.

"That's a good lad. I'll see you in class then?"

"Were you awake?" He blurted out. I briefly considered telling him the truth. But I would not hurt him like that. Plus, admitting I was awake would mean admitting how much I enjoyed him touching me. I would have to admit how much I relished in this thirteen year-old child.

"No." I whispered softly. He looked into my eyes before fleeing.

Harry and I get along quite famously now. But I also have that longing he invoked in me that night. It was magic like no other. I grab a piece of chocolate and suck on it. Light was streaming though the curtains. In the light, I wonder what could have been. In the light, I let my heart lead my mind. In the light, I know it will never happen. Tonks pokes her head in.

"You awake, Remus?"

"Yes." Tonks walks over and sits on the bed. She leans over and kisses me.

I kiss her back.

I do love her. But one always longs for which he cannot have, the sweet of forbidden ecstasy. It is not easy to erase that from my mind. She deepens the kiss and I keep my eyes open. I see Harry in the doorway. His face is a mask. But his eyes…God, his eyes…

I shut mine.