Title: Under Renji's Kilt
Author: … it was me, and damn proud of it!
Rating: Strong PG13 … just because we're dealing with the male appendage
Summary: Renji discovers St. Patrick's Day. Strong PG13/Mild M
Song: Under The Scotsman's Kilt … if you've ever heard the song then I have nothing more to say
Disclaimer: Not mine…and if it were…I would have fun all the time. And I would make sure there was one eppie that Renji was in a kilt!
Notes: Drunken Bleach Drabble…. That song just needed to have a story attached to it. I know it's late for St. Pat…oh well and poor Renji my ass…
Renji had not expected to drink as much as he did. He found out the hard way why people with orange and red hair were always sloshed-faced on St. Patrick's Day. Renji could hold his alcohol, but for some reason tonight just wasn't his night. He was almost positive it was the haggis he had eaten a few hours ago.
He had never eaten it before and was interested in free food—that was until he found out what it was made out of and made in. Then he remembered puking for what seemed like hours. He thought it would never stop. He remembered getting it all over his clothing. It was like his stomach and the rest of his body weren't communicating properly.
Luckily, the barkeep had a change of clothing. He wasn't too pleased about the skirt they forced him into. He would have been more than happy to sit in his puke rather than sit in a skirt, but he had worn worse, and the bartender promised free beer if he did.
Hey, who would turn down free beer? You'd have to be an idiot.
So the evening dragged on and the beers kept coming. Everyone left before he did, it wasn't often all his liquor for the evening was free and he wasn't about to let it stop. Stumbling along like the true drunk he had become, he forgot where he lived. He couldn't remember his name; they were in his other pants.
He stumbled and fell on the cool grass beneath him. Right now he didn't care about anything. He tried getting up, but he forgot his feet were broken. It was the easiest explanation as to why he couldn't walk. He lay back on the grass and closed his eyes waiting for the street to stop spinning.
Renji passed out.
Rukia and Ishida were returning from an all night café when they came across a drunken and passed out Renji. "Should we help him?" Rukia asked worriedly.
Ishida shook his head, "It's his own fault he went out drinking."
Rukia nudged her companion. "You're just jealous they never asked you out."
"I'm glad I didn't go."
Rukia shrugged. She watched Renji and how he looked dead in his passed out state. "I wonder why he's in a skirt."
Ishida just shrugged his shoulders. "It's St. Patrick's Day. Kilts are part of the Irish tradition, along with getting so drunk you pass out."
"Oh, I read about that." Rukia's eyes lit up. Reading those fashion magazines were finally proving useful. "They say that you won't wear anything under the skirt."
"Kilt." Ishida calmly corrected.
"So is it true?"
"Lift it up and look."
"Are you sure we can?"
"The man is passed out cold. You could molest him and he wouldn't know. One peek wouldn't do anything."
"Fine, but if he wakes up, I'm blaming you." Rukia took a step closer and lifted it an inch to get a quick peek.
Both stood frozen in shock. Rukia lifted the kilt higher to show Ishida, who already had a nice view, "Guess it is true."
"Who wouldn't wear underwear with a kilt?"
"Renji obviously."
"Wouldn't the wool chafe?"
"He's either chafing or has to go see a doctor."
"Wouldn't surprise me if it's both." Ishida smirked at Rukia's answer.
"Is he supposed to be that big?"
"You mean that's not natural?"
Ishida coughed and turned his head to hide his shame. "No, that's not natural."
"Oh, I thought it was. I mean I've only seen Ichigo's and Renji's so I assumed…."
"We better go." Ishida said in a hurried voice trying to change the subject.
"We should leave him a present first. Teach him to pass out on public property."
Ishida took a blue silk ribbon from his pocket and went into full seamstress mode. He made the ribbon into a bow and used string to tie it to exposed appendage. Rukia giggled and put the kilt back down. They walked quickly out of sight just in case anyone saw them. Who knows how Renji would react if he caught them.
A few hours later, Renji awoke to nature's call. He didn't question where he was, or why he was there. Right now he needed to pee and sought out the first tree he could see. He lifted up the kilt and stared down. He stood shocked at what was before his eyes. In a gruff voice and a smile plastered on his still drunken face he said, "Lil' Ichigo, I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize."
XD crack I know, I think the only one safe was Orihime and that's because Ishida took her spot. .:.goes to listen to the song.:. enjoy!