Disclaimer: I don't want Kakashi, so he's obviously not mine. I do, however, want Kiba, so I will find a way to make him mine. Muahahahahahahahaha...
A/N: This is a birthday gift-fic to my muse, Fuzzy Hime... because she is awesome and always draws me stuff :sweatdrop: Sorry I harass you! Anyway, this is ridiculously stupid, but it had to be done. I just thought I should give you fair warning.
Warning: PARODY! CRACK! WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT! THIS IS THE WORK OF MY INSANITY!
Insanity.
Hatake Kakashi groaned and stirred from a sleepless night. He rolled onto his side before opening one sleep-filled eye, focusing on the green foliage around him. He hated missions where he had to sleep on the ground, it was always killer for his back.
He sat up and stretched before standing and looking around the empty clearing. Everything appeared to be in order. His companions were still asleep, but that was to be expected. The new ANBU were never as experienced as the old ones. It would take them some time.
He walked out of the clearing, headed for a small river they had passed on their way to their camp. He bent down beside it and watched the water flow before slowly slipping down his mask. He scooped some water into his hands before splashing it onto his face, closing his eyes and relishing the feel of the cold water on his heated skin.
It was hot. Too hot, for Kakashi's liking. He much preferred missions in the winter. Sure, it got really cold, but layers helped solve that. Right now, in the summer, he couldn't very well strip down to his boxers, now, could he?
The ANBU's head jerked up as he heard a branch snap. He stood, his eyes scanning the surroundings as he pulled his mask back up. Just as he was about to pass it off as nothing, he felt chakra flare.
Kakashi whipped out a kunai, flipping it in his hand before looking about himself, trying to distinguish where it had come from. He jumped back a few steps and blocked a flurry of senbon that appeared out of nowhere, sending all the small needles to the ground.
"You're pretty brave to take on a Konoha ANBU." Kakashi said to his attacker, who had yet to show himself.
"You Konoha shinobi are all the same." a deep, gruff voice bit out. Kakashi narrowed his eyes. "You're the Copy-nin, Hatake Kakashi. You made it into the Bingo book."
"You know my name, what would yours be?" Kakashi inquired.
He didn't get an answer. Instead, he jumped out of the way of oncoming shuriken before jumping away from a tree seconds before it exploded. Kakashi cursed the noise, knowing it would wake his new companions up. He didn't want them involved in this fight, they would just inconvenience him. I'll have to end this now, and fast, the gray-haired shinobi thought as he pulled out another kunai, slightly annoyed he hadn't thought of bringing his katana. Then again, he'd merely gone to splash water on his face. It wasn't like he'd expected to be attacked.
But he was a shinobi, so he should've at least considered the possibility. Then again, he had the kunai, so it wasn't like he'd gone to the river completely defenceless. No, he was fine. He could handle this by himself.
As he stepped backwards, he felt his foot step on something, and his eyes widened. Shit, he thought, knowing he didn't have enough time. Ninja wire wrapped itself around him, pinning him to a tree and causing him to drop the kunai he held. He let out a grunt as he slammed into the wood, looking around for his attacker.
A shinobi from the Rain village appeared before him, smirking ominously at him, the end of the wire in his hand. "So much for the famous Hatake Kakashi. Now what are you going to do?"
Kakashi said nothing. Instead, he just—
"Stop."
"Stop?"
"Yes, stop."
"Why?"
"You're making me make it too much about Kakashi."
"Well—yeah. He is my favourite."
"Yeah, but I'm writing this one-shot!"
"It's for my birthday!" Fuzzy Hime whined, crossing her arms and pouting.
"Yes, this may be so, but I don't like Kakashi." Sarge reminded.
"You like him a little bit." the brunette insisted as she nudged her friend in the ribs.
"He didn't care that Naruto almost died 'cause of Sasuke!" the writer reminded, waving her arms around dramatically.
"He did care!" Fuzzy Hime hit Sarge across the back of the head. "He looked sad! Sad, I tell you!"
"Liar!"
"Get back to my story!"
"All right, fine! But there's going to be more Kiba!"
—pondered what to do next. That was when he heard the first signs of his team. Shit, this is not good! I don't want them involved in this!
The Copy-nin looked around worriedly, wondering which one of his team was about to do something stupid. Heck, if he couldn't beat this shinobi, then who could?
As if answering his silent question, Kiba launched himself through the trees, katana in hand. He sliced through the attacker's neck in one clean—
"Okay, that would never happen."
"Why not?" Sarge demanded. "He's Kiba! He can do anything!"
"No, you're just an idiot." Fuzzy Hime insisted.
"Hey!"
"Shut up and listen. Kiba always fights with Akamaru."
"Fine!"
—swipe before Akamaru barrelled through the trees as well, biting into the wire that held Kakashi, effectively freeing him.
"That's not what I meant." Fuzzy Hime sighed. "Can we just get back to the original plot?"
"Plot?" Sarge asked, utterly confused. "There was a plot?"
"Wasn't there a reason you wrote this?"
"Oh yeah!" Sarge grinned. "There was."
Kakashi brushed the wires off himself before crossing his arms and sighing.
"What?" Kiba asked with a frown.
"This is a dream. There's no way I would ever lose."
With those words, the Copy-nin woke up and sat up in bed, glancing around his room. It was still dark outside, and his curtains billowed out, blown by a light breeze coming in through his open window.
The Jounin stretched and pulled the covers away, standing up and walking towards the bathroom. He was completely naked as he entered it, turning on the light and starting to close the door. Before he did, he leaned his head out, regarding the person in the bed he'd just left. He smiled slightly.
"Happy birthday, Fuzzy Hime."
Kakashi closed the door.
Sarge turned to look at her friend, noting the look of shock on her face and the small trickle of blood from her nose. Satisfied, the writer smirked before turning back to her one-shot and finishing it up.
The blonde felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to look at her muse, the latter grinning down at her.
"Thanks."
"Any time."
Happy Birthday, Fuzzy Hime :)