Disclaimer: I don't own Due South. I'm not making any money. This is me using my right to free speech to express my views about a show I love, only along the way I decided to play around with them a little bit and I may have got a little carried away.
WARNINGS: m/m implied (nothing descriptive) - could just be friendship could be more, you decide.
This is a DEATHFIC. There might not be a happy ending. Then again, there might.
Summary: Ray comes back from his quest with Fraser accompanied by Dief. Fraser is dead. How does Ray cope... does he cope?
After the wild
Ray hugged himself tightly as the train rocked along the tracks. His mind lost in another time and another place. A time before his world had broken, a place where he knew only peace and love. As he sat in the train, hugging his knees, Ray sang softly to himself. He never wanted to forget this song, not ever. Ben had sung it to him when the cold had started to eat away at his spirit.
Memories of Ben singing flooded Ray's mind and he hugged his knees tighter. Tears streamed down his face as he started to shake. The other passengers in the train, Ray knew, were giving him a wide berth. He couldn't blame them - he probably looked like a mad man. Ray didn't care though, instinct without logic was madness. Ray knew he probably smelled too, the last time he had washed had been when he and Ben had stopped in that small town, he couldn't remember its name - that was insignificant now; Ben wasn't with Ray anymore. Ben had left him, quietly in the night, leaving him to fend for himself in the great white north. Ray should've expected it really, everyone left in the end.
The train pulled into Ray's stop and he dragged himself off the train. He didn't know where he was going, or why he had returned to Chicago but here he was. As he trudged along the streets he saw the people move out of his path, he must look worse than he thought. That didn't matter anymore though. Miles and miles of road passed as Ray moved along the road, eyes looking nowhere and seeing nothing, ears hearing nothing and nose smelling nothing. He didn't know where he was heading until he got there, by which time he was utterly exhausted and so he proceeded to collapse on the steps to the Canadian Consulate. There was no-one inside that he knew but for Ray, for now, this was the closest thing to home he had to home.
A white furry animal curled up beside Ray, pressing his body against Ray's in a bid to keep the human alive through the bitterly cold night. Ray laughed, a laugh without any humour in it, and then he wrapped his arms around his partner's life time companion and buried his face in the animal's fur.
"I guess you miss him too, huh?" Ray whispered softly. Diefenbaker whined in response and Ray's mind shut down.
When he woke, Ray felt anything but rested. At first he was disorientated and thought he was still in Canada, asleep in the tent he shared with his friend and partner. The bitter coldness and the smell of wet fur only served to strengthen Ray's illusion. The large wooden door to the Consulate opened and a broad shouldered man, with dark hair and wearing a bright red tunic, stepped out.
"Fraser?" Ray said hopefully, forgetting for a moment that it couldn't be. The Mountie looked at Ray and Ray's heart broke even more - Ray hadn't thought that was possible. The Mountie, with his sharp facial features and brown eyes, looked nothing like Ben. He looked at Ray with confusion and pity. Ray hated pity.
"I'm sorry, sir. I believe the Fraser you are referring to left the consulate about 2 months ago. Would you like me to call a taxi for you?" Ray shook his head silently. He just had to get out of there now. He couldn't stand looking at this man; this man had replaced Fraser at the Consulate. Would it only be Ray who missed him? Ray got up and left - his heart heavy and his feet dragging.
He wasn't ready to go back to his apartment yet. He couldn't go to Stella - she was in Florida with Vecchio. That didn't upset Ray anymore; Fraser had helped him see that it was okay with him. He had found someone new. Ray headed for the 27th. Surely there he would find some hope. He should ask Welsh if he could cut his vacation short, save some of his vacation time for another time. Then again, Ray wasn't planning on needing another time. Ray would have stopped at a liquor store but nowhere would accept Canadian bills.
When he marched into the bullpen, Ray found that he knew nobody. All of the people he had worked with had moved on, moved away from the force. The only constant was Lieutenant Welsh. That was okay, that was who he had come here to see. The problem was that Ray would now be partnered with another stranger. He had been offered Vecchio's desk on a permanent basis before the quest and he had accepted. Now he had to live with that choice. He knocked once on the Lieutenant's door and leaned heavily against the frame, waiting for an answer. While he was waiting a uniform approached him.
"Can I help you?" Ray shook his head.
"Na. I'm waiting to see Lieutenant Welsh." The uniform put a hand on Ray's arm, as if to lead him away.
"I'm sorry but this area is for police officers only." Ray didn't know why but this made him mad. He pulled out his gun and aimed it at the uniform.
"Back off! Just stay the fuck out of my face! I'm going to see the Lieu and you ain't going to stop me!" The uniform backed off and 30 guns were pointed at Ray's head. He knew that it was now too dangerous for him to put his hand in his pocket to get his badge so he just stood there with his gun pointing at the same uniform. He rally missed Fraser, Fraser would have been able to defuse this situation with a few calming words. It was at this moment that Diefenbaker chose to wander into the bullpen. He took one look at the situation and came to stand in front of Ray, teeth bared. It didn't matter though because they hadn't been approaching Ray anyway.
"Hey guys, meet Diefenbaker - He's half wolf." Nobody moved. A moment later Welsh's door opened.
"Detective Kowalski put that gun away and get the hell in here. Now!" Ray holstered his weapon, smiled at the uniform and entered Welsh's office, calling Dief to follow him as he did. He collapsed into one of the chairs in the office, he really should have stayed standing but he didn't think his legs would hold him much longer. Welsh was talking with the uniform, Ray guessed that he was asking him what the hell had happened. Ray reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a photograph with dog-eared corners. It was of him and Fraser outside the consulate. He ran his fingers over Fraser's face and whispered softly to him.
"I need your help here Frase. I think I messed up real bad." He was too engrossed in the photo that he didn't notice Welsh had returned to his office, closed the door and was now looking at him. Welsh cleared his throat loudly and Ray put the photo back in his pocket. He looked at the Lieu and he could see the waves of anger radiating from him. When Ray met his eye though, Welsh's breath caught in his throat. It was at that moment that Ray realised how bad he must look.
"Why are you here Kowalski?" Ray was grateful that Welsh was going to get straight to the point.
"I wanna come back early. Don't wanna be on vacation no more." Welsh frowned and Ray knew that he was going to have to answer stupid, probing questions, the kind of questions that he wasn't ready to answer, yet.
"What happened Ray?" That was an okay question. Ray could dodge that one easily.
"We had to finish our quest a little early." Welsh nodded and walked to sit behind his desk. He was no longer blocking Ray's exit and, for that, Ray was grateful.
"Where's Fraser, Ray?" Ray looked at the door. It would be so easy to just walk out of here, to never answer that question. Fraser would never do anything like that. That's why Ray needed him; that's why Ray was so lost now. Ray took a deep breathe and looked at his boss through dead eyes. He couldn't disappoint Fraser by running away.
"Fraser left. We were in the middle of a big storm, in a cave we dug in an ice field and he left. Never coming back." Welsh didn't understand. Ray could see that. The Lieu looked from Ray to Dief and back to Ray.
"Why didn't he take the wolf with him?" Ray laughed - that humourless laugh.
"He couldn't. I guess it wasn't Dief's time." Realisation crossed Welsh's face, followed by horror. Now he understood.
"Fraser's dead?" Ray had never heard those words before and he suddenly felt sick. He looked at Welsh, his eyes wide with fear. He retched a couple of times but he hadn't eaten for so long that there was nothing left to come up. He drew his knees to his chest and began to shake uncontrollably.
"Fraser can't be dead. He's just gone away for a while. Not dead. Not dead. No. No. No," Welsh came around his desk and put his hand on Ray's shoulder.
"I'm sorry Ray. I'm going to take you home. I don't want you to come into work until you've seen a psychiatrist."
"You don't want me here?" Welsh cringed at how lost his detective sounded.
"No Ray. Not until you've had time to deal with this. Come on. I'm going to take you home." Ray allowed Welsh to lift him to his feet.
"Home is where the heart is. Mine's gone." That made the Lieutenant think. If he took Ray back to Ray's apartment there was no-one to stop Ray from doing something stupid and joining his partner.
"Okay, Ray, I'm going to take you to Mrs. Vecchio's house." Ray shook his head.
"Florida's too far. Nothing of Ben there." It was Welsh's turn to shake his head. At least it seemed that Ray was okay with the whole Vecchio and Stella situation. This reminded him, someone would need to tell Vecchio about the Mountie.
"Not that Mrs. Vecchio. I mean Ma Vecchio." Ray nodded his consent before his strength gave way completely and Welsh was left trying to support all of his weight, which wasn't all that much but it made opening his office door a little more difficult. He managed to get the door open and call for one of his other officers to help him.
"Holy cow sir! What happened to him?" Welsh gave the uniform a look which was meant to shut him up, only it didn't work. "I mean I know you were pissed at him for pulling out his gun in the station but the guy looks half dead. Why'd he pull his gun out anyway?" Welsh knew that he was going to have to answer these questions if he was going to get anywhere fast.
"He was on holiday in Canada with his partner and his partner died." The uniforms eyes widened and the whole office went quiet.
"When did his partner die sir?" Welsh sighed.
"I'm not sure. I think it was in the last week or two."
"Holy cow!" Welsh just nodded in response to that and they carried Ray to his car. After they got him in the car Welsh sent the uniform back to the office telling him that he would be back as soon as he got his detective somewhere safe. The drive to the Vecchio house was silent, apart from Ray's quiet singing. Welsh didn't recognise the tune.
When he pulled up outside the house he let Diefenbaker out of the car before going to knock on the door, leaving Ray in the passenger seat. Ray sat there singing the tune. He had known he could trust Welsh to be there for him. He didn't want to believe that what the Lieutenant had told him was true though. Ben couldn't be dead, he just couldn't. Ray didn't think he could live without the Mountie by his side.
Frannie had opened the door, a baby in her arms. Welsh had stood there for a moment, uncertain of how to ask the Vecchio's if they would mind looking after Ray for him, when Diefenbaker had come pounding up to Frannie, tail wagging wildly. Frannie's eye's widened.
"They're back?" She asked him so hopefully and what he now had to say broke the lieutenant's heart.
"No Francesca. I'm sorry. Only one came back, I'm afraid Fraser died out in the ice fields in Canada." The grief that crossed Francesca's face was unmistakable but it was the way she quickly pulled herself back together that intrigued Welsh the most.
"How..." She whispered silently.
"I'm not sure. Ray hasn't been able to tell me." Frannie shook her head.
"No. I meant, how's Ray?" Welsh looked back towards the car.
"Ray's the walking dead. I am afraid that if I leave him at his own apartment he might do something that would make him join his partner. That or he just won't eat." Frannie nodded.
"Hold on a minute Harding. I'll be right back." Frannie went inside the house and Welsh could hear her calling her Ma and Toby, her sister's husband. She was asking her Ma to get the spare room ready and telling Toby to get to the door because she needed his help to carry someone inside. Welsh knew he had made the right choice coming here. Ray would be safe here.
Ray felt himself being lifted out of the car but he didn't open his eyes. He didn't have the strength to do anything but keep repeating the words to the song over and over. Ray remembered when Fraser had first sung it. They had been on board the Henry Allen and had needed a distraction while Ray went searching in one of their shipmates' rooms. Fraser had just burst into song. Ray remembered how he had thought that the song sounded interesting and, after they got off the replica of the HMS Bounty, Ray had asked Fraser to teach him it, as they drove home.
Ray slept on and off for the next day and night. He barely noticed when Frannie or Ma Vecchio woke him up to feed him some kind of soup. His dreams were filled by Fraser and Ray never wanted them to end. His last dream puzzled Ray, in that he wasn't sure whether or not it was really a dream. He was lying in bed, in a room that wasn't his own. At first he had been alone in the room. He had begun to softly sing the song again; it was his way of being with Fraser when Fraser wasn't there. Then Ben had walked into the room, only Ray was sure that the door hadn't opened. Ben was dressed in the clothes that he had been wearing when he had died. He had joined in the song with Ray. When the song was finished Ray didn't know what to say.
"Ben... I... Why?" Ben sat down beside Ray and ghosted his hand over his friend's face.
"I'm so sorry, Ray." Ray reached out and tried to hug Ben but he couldn't. His arms passed straight through the Mountie's body. By the time Ray realised that Ben wasn't going to be able to catch him it was too late. Ray fell straight out of the bed and hit the floor hard. After he hit the floor, Ray didn't move again, he just curled up on himself and closed his eyes tightly. He began to sing louder this time, in an attempt to drown out his own thoughts. Frannie and Ma Vecchio ran into the room shortly afterwards and pulled him back up onto the bed, tucking him back in. They didn't know how to help this broken man, all they could do was keep his body alive, while his spirit tried to heal.
Another day and a half passed without incident. Ray continued to sleep fitfully, woken regularly by either Frannie or Ma Vecchio to be spoon fed soup. He only saw Ben in his dreams - He knew he was dreaming because he could touch Ben without landing on the floor. Ray never wanted to wake up. His dreams were starting to follow their own timeline. No longer was he trapped in memories - instead he was building a future - A future in which he and Ben were still on their quest; a future in which he and Ben would never be torn apart.
Unknown to Ray they had a doctor come and visit him. This doctor had had a particular interest in psychology at medical school but had decided not to specialise. He told the Vecchios and Lieutenant Welsh that he was seriously worried about Ray's mental health. It appeared to him that the detective was losing his grip on reality and was instead becoming entwined in a fantasy world that he had created in his head. He then asked if the detective had recently suffered a trauma. It was then that they told him that Ray had come back saying that his partner was dead, but when they had checked with the RCMP they knew nothing of the Constable's demise. The doctor, thankfully, hadn't questioned the fact that a Chicago PD detective was partnered with a Canadian Mountie. He had merely looked grim and recommended that, if Ray didn't begin to improve in the next week or so, he should be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.
Ben Fraser had watched the whole episode unfold as he stood in the corner of the room. He wished his father was still in the borderlands, that way he would be able to ask his dad how he could help his friend. Only Ben's dad had moved on over a month ago and he was alone. Ben knew that he couldn't move on yet, not with Ray like this. He moved over and sat on Ray's bed as the doctor gave his final recommendations to the Vecchios and the Lieutenant. He leaned down and whispered in his friend's ear.
"Come on Ray, you can beat this. Remember what you told me Ray? There are red ships and green ships, but there's no ship like partnership. Well you were right Ray and not even death will break that. Do you hear me Ray? I'll be here waiting for you, but first you have to live the rest of your life. There's is so much more you need to do." Fraser waited but Ray just turned in his sleep, smiling peacefully. Normally Fraser would have wanted to let his friend rest but he knew that right now rest was not the thing Ray needed most. "Ray. Ray. Ray! Ray! RAY!" Ray bolted upright, eyes wide open.
"Frase?" He croaked hoarsely. Frannie moved immediately to Ray's bedside.
"Ray? What's the matter Ray?" Ray swung his head around wildly, desperately looking for Frase but Fraser was gone. He looked at Frannie, pain and sadness clouding his eyes.
"Fraser's gone Frannie. He left me." Frannie didn't say anything in reply she just pulled Ray into a tight hug and rocked him gently.
After that Ray started to act more like he was on the same planet as everyone else. He would talk to people, when spoken to and he was now managing to feed himself. No-one would have been able to tell you how Ray was holding up inside though, because Ray wouldn't talk to anyone about it. Fraser was still officially listed as missing because no-one had reported him dead and no body had been found. Only Ray could report Fraser dead because he was the only one who knew where the body was and what had happened. The others had tried but they hadn't known enough for it to be official. All they had was the bits and pieces they had put together from what Ray had said at a time when his mental stability was in question.
Ben Fraser continued to watch his friend, waiting for time when it would be safe for him to appear to Ray again. He didn't want to endanger Ray's slow progress at picking up the pieces of his life but he also didn't thing that Ray was putting the pieces back together. It looked to him like Ray was picking up the pieces and throwing them back in the box. Ben also needed Ray's help if he was ever going to be able to move on. He had stood inside Welsh's office as Ray demanded that the Lieu take him off desk duty and put him back on the street. Welsh, however, remained adamant that he was not going to do that until he could trust Ray not to go looking for danger. Ray wouldn't promise that he wouldn't risk his life unnecessarily and so he was confined to desk duty. Ben was immensely grateful to Lt. Welsh for this.
Eventually Ray was alone. He walked into his apartment for the first time since he had got back. Living with the Vecchios had become claustrophobic and Ray needed his own space and some time to think. He had tried getting his life back to some kind of normal but it didn't seem to work any more. There was an emptiness in his soul that he couldn't shake. Ray missed Fraser constantly in everything he did. He wanted to get back out on the streets; he wanted to chase criminals over rooftops, off balconies and across a busy road. He wanted things to be just like they had been when he had his partner with him. Ray was thankful that Welsh hadn't tried to give him a new partner yet.
Ray went into the kitchen but he had to leave it again straight away. There were two cups and two plates on the drying rack. They were from the last time he had been here. Fraser and he had been talking about the case over lasagne, coffee and tea. Ray wasn't ready to clear that up yet; he wasn't ready to go back to an existence that only left one plate and one cup in the sink. He sat on his sofa instead, putting his feet up on the table and leaning forward to rest his head on, and wrap his arms around, his knees.
Ray took a deep breath and his gun dug into his side. Sitting back, he took his gun out of its holster. He studied its back frame and ran his finger down the side of the trigger. He dropped the magazine out of it and checked the chamber. When he was sure there were no rounds in it he placed it to one side. Then he pulled a small box out from under his sofa and took out the piece of paper and the pen that was inside it. Ray put the paper and pen down beside his gun and picked up the magazine to his gun. Counting out loud he slid each round out of the magazine and into the box, leaving one round in the magazine.
"Are you the one that's meant for me? They say every cop has a bullet with his name on it. Are you mine?" He spoke softly to the round as he ran his finger over it. Then he slid the magazine back into his weapon and ran the end of the barrel over his temple.
"No. That's not the one meant for you Ray." Ray's thumb stopped gliding over the cocking handle of his gun and his head turned sharply to look in the direction the voice had come from. There, in the entrance to his kitchen, stood Ben Fraser. He was still dressed in the clothes he h been wearing on the quest. Ray couldn't help but think that he must be boiling in that coat. "Ray put the gun down."
"You left." Ray didn't put the gun down; he didn't move a muscle. He hadn't moved an inch since turning his head to look at Fraser.
"I know Ray. I'm sorry." Now Ray moved. He slammed the gun down on the table and stood up. His fists were clenched and his face tight in an expression of pure fury.
"Everyone's fucking sorry Fraser! Don't change nothing though. You left." Ray's voice cracked on the last statement. His anger disappearing as fast as it had arrived.
"I didn't want to leave Ray. I... I didn't know how to stay." Ray sank back onto the sofa.
"You came back once before. Why not this time?" Ben shook his head and came to sit down next to Ray on the sofa.
"This time my body was unable to support me. My main organs were no longer able to function correctly." Ray shook his head. He refused to believe what Fraser was telling him.
"What killed you Frase?"
"Hyperthermia I believe, as a result of the extreme cold." Ray kept shaking his head.
"Nope. Can't be. Woulda killed me first." He could see Ben's ghost considering this.
"Maybe I had a previously unknown condition that reduced my ability to survive in extreme situations. It is also possible that your spirit has more fight in it or maybe it just wasn't your time. Maybe there is something else you are needed to do before you die."
"You saying you didn't fight it?" Ben shook his head; trust Ray to only hear that part of his sentence.
"No Ray. I fought. I fought with everything I had and... And it just wasn't enough."
"I don't wanna fight no more Ben. I'm tired of fighting."
"Please don't give up on life Ray." Ray just shrugged. "Ray I need you to do something for me."
"What Frase?" Ben took a deep breath.
"I need you to report my death. I need you to tell the authorities where I am." Ray shook his head. "Please Ray. I need you to do this so that I don't spend eternity in The Borderlands."
"What's the borderlands?"
"Limbo. Only colder. I believe the Vecchios would refer to it as Purgatory."
"So if I don't tell 'em where you are, you'll stick around for good." Ben nodded. "Sorry Frase but I don't want you to leave me."
"Ray, just moment ago, you were considering taking your own life. If that had happened, you would've come to the borderlands for a while but eventually you would have moved on and I would have been left here alone." Ray frowned. "Ray I will wait for you on the other side and we will be partners again one day but I won't be able to do that if I can't move on."
Ray nodded and put his gun back in its holster. He grabbed his coat and left his apartment. The walk to the Consulate was long but Ray didn't want to drive. Eventually he arrived at the Consulate. It was late and Ray didn't know if anyone was there but he had to try. Pounding on the wooden door, Ray hoped that someone would answer it. The same man, who Ray had mistaken from Fraser on his first morning back in Chicago, opened the door. He looked tired but Ray was just grateful that he wasn't wearing red pyjamas. In fact he was wearing that blue uniform that Fraser had once told him he hated.
"Good evening sir. Welcome to Canada. Can I help you?" Ray nodded.
"I want to report a death." The Mountie's eyes widened.
"I think you've come to the wrong place. You might want to visit a Chicago PD. This is the Canadian Consulate."
"I know. I want to report the death of a Mountie."
"Ah." What's with that? Is it some kind of Mountie code? Do all RCMP recruits get taught to fill monosyllabic words with meaning at their academy... uh Depot? Ray found he was seriously freaked by the way the Mountie had said 'Ah.' "Would you like to come in?" Ray entered the consulate. It hadn't changed - why would it have? The Mountie offered him a seat before sitting on the other side of the desk and pulling out a notepad. "What is the name of the RCMP officer you wish to report dead?" Ray wasn't sure that the Mountie believed him. Maybe he remembered him from that morning.
"Constable Benton Fraser." The Mountie blinked. Ray guessed that the rumours of Fraser's death had reached the Consulate then.
"And... uh... do you know where the body is?"
"Yes." This time the Mountie lifted his head and looked at Ray. He must have thought that Ray had come here because of the rumour.
"Where is the body?"
"You got a map of Canada?" The Mountie frowned but pulled a map out of the drawers. Ray pointed to the ice field; Fraser had always made sure that Ray knew exactly where he was at all times. "There. In a cave we dug out in that field." The Mountie made a cross on the map where Ray had pointed before writing something in his notebook.
"Finally, could you tell me how Constable Fraser died?" Ray nodded.
"The cold took him away. He went to sleep and I couldn't get him to wake up. I tried for two days but he just wouldn't open his eyes or his lungs. I tried CPR but it didn't work. I only left when I knew he was dead. I knew because his body was so stiff, none of his joints would bend and I couldn't compress his chest as I tried to do CPR." The Mountie nodded.
"Thank you, sir. I will contact the RCMP station nearest the ice field you mentioned and they will begin a search for Constable Fraser's body. I may need to call you in for further questioning after the body is found. Have you got a number I can call you on?" Ray nodded and handed the Mountie his card with his work number on it. "Thank you Detective Kowalski. Uh... Detective... were you the one he was partnered with?" Ray just nodded and continued to walk towards the door. "I'm sorry for your loss sir." Ray just walked out of the building; he was fed up of everyone saying they were sorry.
Ray was half way home when he heard a scream in the next street. Pulling out his gun he ran to see what the problem was. A working girl was being held by two thugs. One was behind her, holding her arms behind her back as the other stood in front of her. The thug in front of her ran his hand down her face before clutching the back of her head and kissing her hard. As she tried to back away from him, Ray saw the thug behind her grind himself against her back. The girl screamed again and the thugs laughed. Ray ran over there even faster.
"Chicago PD! Let the woman go!" Ray yelled aiming his gun at the thugs. The thugs let go of the woman and she ran away. Now both thugs had their guns out and were aiming them at Ray.
"Looks like your outnumbered pig." They taunted him. They weren't to know that Ray was more afraid of living than dying.
"Maybe but you are both under arrest." The thugs just laughed again and cocked their weapons. Ray pulled they trigger twice. Once aiming at the thug on the right and once aiming at the thug on the left. Only Ray had forgotten that he only had one round in his gun. The thug on the left snarled at Ray before pulling the trigger and shooting Ray in the chest. Ray could feel the bullet burn through his body and they blood pulse out of him. He turned his head to the left and saw Ben. Ben came and knelt beside him. He held his friend's hand as the life ebbed out of his body.
"I told you Ray. I told you that there was something you had to do before you died." Ray smiled weakly.
"I left Dief with Frannie." Ben nodded.
"I think he'll be happy there, even if he does get a little fat." Ray laughed before coughing as his blood blocked his airways.
"Couldn't do it Frase. Didn't know who I was. Needed you." Those were Ray Kowalski's last words as he lay in a cold Chicago alley talking to the ghost of his best friend. Ben stood up and walked back to the borderlands. All he had to do now was wait. He turned back to look at his friend's still body.
"Red ships and green ships, Ray." He whispered softly. "Red ships and green ships."
So what do you think? All reviews are gratefully welcomed.