an afterthought.
by exquisitelytragic.
re·ver·ber·a·tion ( P ) Pronunciation Key (r-vûrb-rshn)
n.
1.The act of reverberating. The condition of being reverberated.
2.Something reverberated. An echolike force or effect; a repercussion
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Sometimes it's just the way you are.
Our lives are usually collinear, for the most part. It starts with our families, our parents, so to speak who carry it on to us. I assume that any honorable person would love to have their life as sorted and tidy as it possibly could be. But yet I've met others, and those people I would never understand. They would love to have anfractuous lives, it's more engrossing to them. To those who would dare to be different.
After all beauty is nice to look at, but decay is far more interesting.
But that is only a part of this story.
For this story is about cause and effect, how one decision affected them all.
And it all started, this one windy day in September.
It was the first day of school.
All my thoughts trailed off as I entered the school. I had walked here because it was probably one of the last times I'd be able too, The ground was moist from the dew and the endings of summer heat.
My name is Edward. My friends call me Double D. I am 18 years old. I live in Peach Creek, and have lived here about all of my life. I am at the top of my class, my best friends are Eddy and Ed, and we've been friends since as long as I could remember.
As I traced the steps that have been familiar for 4 years. I looked up to see the brick building of my school. The erosion from the rain had turned some of them a blueish greenish color, which suprisingly was our school colors.
There were a few people standing in front of the stone steps, some others whose names I didn't know standing on the left and the right of the walkway in the grass. Yet in the background I heard yells and screams.
One girl in all black near me murmured. "Oh dear, here come the idiots."
Those idiots she was referring to were the popular kids. Nazz and Kevin approached from behind me, in their matching outfits, meaning her in her cheerleading outfit and him in his letterman jacket. Then the rest of them proceeded to come out of nowhere and join them.
I tugged at my backpack straps and made my way through the crowd. I heard the sneers of Kevin and his little jock friends.
"Oh look its Double D, I wonder where his two boyfriends are?"
I ignored it, as I have been doing for a long time. It wasn't my nature to fight, as in the words of FDR "I hate war." I was always thankful that I had friends to take care of me though.
As I made my way towards my locker I looked through my backpack to try and find my schedule. Locker #456. Dammit bottom one again. I smoothed my blue button down of its wrinkles, and bent down to put my books in.
Pre-Cal, Chemistry H, Gov't AP, English AP. As I tried to fit in the massive Chemistry book I smelled the hint of jasmine in the air. Which left as quickly as it came.
I felt Eddy pull at my beanie.
"Hey sockhead, what's up?"
I pulled it down.
"Ahh nothing much, I'm so excited.." I replied.
Ed stood next to me in the same things he always wears.
"I should held you, you look like you need it."
I waved my hand. "No, thanks."
Eddy laughed "Bottom locker once again, I'll see you mine for $15 never used mint condition."
I sighed. "Eddy this is a school, nothing in here hasn't been used or has had no bodily fluids put on it. Plus I'm saving money for college."
He snorted "College is for suckers."
The bell rang.
"Ok I got to get to Ethics. See you both at lunch." I shouted out to them.
It was in the march of the winter
I turned seventeen
That I bought those pills
I thought I would need
And I wrote a letter
To my family
Said it's not your fault
And you've been good to me
"Class" the teacher announced with her thick accent. She rolled her R's and emphasized S's. "Your first assignment, is your only assignment."
A student passed around salmon colored sheets of paper to the 20 people in the room.
"This is an ongoing project, that will be detailed throughout the last year of your high school career. It will be the most important thing you do this year."
Nazz was in my class, the only one I've known since elementary, she looked bored, and was doodling Kevin all over her binder. I wondered how nonchalant she could be at this moment, for this seemed really important.
"Does everyone have one?"
We all nodded.
"I'll give you a few minutes to look over it then."
To my horror. It was a getting to know people assignment.
Ethics 101.
Mrs. Whitall.
Course goal: to attain the knowledge necessary to move on in life. By learning to how use your conscience, and attain perfection through moral code.
Assignment: This is a huge school. I give you one goal and one only.
To talk to someone and get to know them like you would know yourself.
This is an assignment of integrity and honor.
Cheating by using your friends will not be tolerated, and I will be notified if you have been caught talking to them before and you will receive an F.
THE BIGGEST RULE IS THEY CAN NOT KNOW!
This leaves half of the school out of the picture.
Dammit.
The end of period bell rang.
To my enjoyment my other classes had been going well, they were all easy A's to tell you the truth. But my ethics assignment was becoming a huge part of my worries. I was not good at talking to people. I am akward with words and I get nervous, I can hardly hold a decent conversation with most people because I run out of things to say. I couldn't go up to random people and be myself, it made me nervous. My anxiety always took control of me when I dealed with things that were foreign to me.
As the ending bell for school rang. I ran out of school as fast as I could, and showed the paper to Eddy, and he laughed it off and said "good luck." I examined the paper once more close to my face, and when I finally stopped looking at it. One person was in my view.
Marie.
Just lately I've been feeling
Like I don't belong
Like the ground's not mine
To walk upon
And I've heard that music
Echo through the house
Where my grandmother drank
By herself
And I sat watching a flower
As it was withering
I was embarrassed by
It's honesty
Eddy and Ed spit their drinks all over and in disbelief said in unison.
"Marie?" Eddy shook his head "A Kanker? You must be kidding me."
Ed smashed his head on the table "I do not thing that is such a good idea Double D."
Eddy nodded. "It's right, you could at least choose someone like.. Nazz."
"Like she'd even talk to me" I murmured.
"Bu-but that's so much better than Marie, remember elementary?" Eddy replied.
We all were silent for a minute.
Ed had a blank expression on his face, Eddy was cringing, and I just sighed.
"she seems to have changed Eddy." I said finally breaking the thoughts.
The bell rang to end it.
"Whatever just be careful man, see ya."
It was December already, I had been procrastinating for two months already. While people had already found their subjects I was getting desperate. This was so unlike me.
December 15.
This was when the stone was thrown into the pond.
At 3 P.M. I stood outside my school and leaned against a wall. I wore a black dress shirt and jeans. Trying to look almost invisible.
She walked out after about 15 minutes later, her sisters hurrying ahead of her. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a maroon polo shirt, with a pair of converse. Her blue hair shone in the sunlight.
Quietly, I followed her as she walked. She was listening to a CD player and humming to herself. I was scared to reach out and tap her on the back.
Courage, Double D.
After bringing up some audacity, I carefully tapped her on the shoulder. She jumped a little and turned around swiftly.
Marie seemed shocked to see me and she quickly pulled out her headphones and asked, "Oh hello Double D, what's up?"
I sat down on the street curb, it was winter, the leaves had fallen off a few months ago. The air smelled like cinnamon and nutmeg, with just a dash of Christmas tree. I patted down the space to me, and she sat down next to me.
Jasmine.
After about 5 minutes explaining to her that I was sorry and I really wanted to start over with her again. She smiled and said that she was glad that I wanted to this, but after a few minutes Marie checked her watch.
"Crap, almost 4," she whispered. She picked up her black backpack next to her and started running. "I'll see you tomorrow okay!"
The clouds above me started to make the sky dark, and the ominous buzzing of a plane speedily engulfed my senses. It was haunting the way things were at the moment.
"Threatening...?" I articulated softly.
I held out my palm and it began to rain. This was a bad sign.
When I got home I was drenched. My mother yelled at me for making a little bit of a mess when I came in, but I went straight to my room. These four walls were my only safe haven.
At least she has changed.
So I'd prefer to be remembered
As a smiling face
Not this fucking wreck
That's taken it's place
That Monday, came with much apprehension and dread. I was afraid of what people would've thought when they saw me with her. But they thought that I was doing something good, for some reason, and then it finally hit me.
The reason why Marie was this docile shy girl now, was because of what happened in 8th grade.
It was our graduation, she wore the nicest thing Eddy and I thought she could muster up. Her sisters followed behind her in their own gaudy outfits. It was like a blind person designed clothes out of curtains and ribbon. Or a horrible mess of fabric had been in a tornado and been made for them to wear.
The white and pink flower with the blue sash, ugly is what we called it.
The first thing she did when she walked into the balloon filled hall where we had our graduation in was sit next to me. I was shaking. Her arms trailed onto my shoulders and around me. I began pushing her off as hard as I could.
"Marie stop! Eddy, Ed! Help me!" I shouted.
Yet they were in their own little disasters as May and Lee began to chase them.
She was always in for the kiss but she had never gotten one. Terrified of her next move I ran towards the drinks and snacks table and pushed her face first into a bowl of fruit punch. The table broke spilling out all the contents to the floor and onto her dress.
Everyone saw.
Eddy.
Ed.
Nazz.
Jimmy.
Kevin. Sarah.
Rolf.
May and Lee were trembling with anger.
Lee yelled at me "Get the hell away from her!"
I looked at Marie. She was smiling, her blue hair was soaked with red punch and her dress was ruined. But that really wasn't a smile, and for the first time in my life I actually thought she was a person. A thin sliver of a tear rolled out of her dark black eyes, and down her cheeks, and off her lips onto her lap. And that's when she broke down.
The Kankers weren't there for our graduation.
And for the past 4 years none of them said a word to neither me, Ed, or Eddy. Although Ed eventually got over it and tried talking to them because of his own kind heart, they would just sit still staring in silence, as if we were invisible.
By Februrary it all started to move on like clockwork. I spent almost my entire day with Marie. Working with her and talking with her. For a while it felt like she had become my best friend.
Her personality was different she was not as much wild or flirty, but she became more reserved and civilized. But in my own way I longed for the real her.
One day I confronted her about it.
I clasped her hand "Marie, you don't have to act differently around me you know."
She seemed distressed "I'm really not."
I shook my head "I'm being honest."
She just smiled and said "Don't worry about it... sockhead."
I laughed.
Then soon after she seemed a little bit more like the same person, not the wrecklessness she had in 8th grade, but the vigor and vitality. She was cracking jokes and smiling more. Even Eddy and Ed seemed to notice. After a while they became her friend too. She helped Eddy out with a ideas to ask a girl to prom, and she gave Ed an hint on who liked him.
"C'mon who is it" Ed whined in the hallway.
"It starts with an R" Marie teased.
When he figured it out he thanked Marie as much as he could.
All was forgotten.
The bad between us was over.
At least I had hoped.
It was late March when I asked Marie to prom.
I had walked her into my car were waiting for her were 12 pink roses. She was dazzled by their sight and looked at me questioningly.
"What are these for" as she took them into her hands and began to smell them.
"A-ahh you see." I fumbled for the words. "Look at the one in the middle the fine specimen of deep red flora."
She pulled out a secret 13 rose that was red and pulled out a piece of paper from the center. Marie read it and gladly said "yes."
I turned around and got my present for her out of my pocket. And told her to close her eyes. I dropped it down into her hand and told her to open them.
She was happy at what I had given her. It was a necklace, a simple silver chain with a star pendent on it.
She gave me a hug, and thanked me as many times as she saw was necessary.
Nazz watched from the corner of her eye. She seemed angry, but within seconds she was gone.
So please forgive what I have done
No you can't stay mad at the setting sun
We all get tired, I mean, eventually
There is nothing left to do but sleep
Prom night came faster than I expected.
All Marie told me to do was wear black and white, she said most people don't choose it, and after I had studied the last 5 issues of a fashion magazine just for her I believed it was true. My mom had gone with me to choose a black and white suit, black with white pinstripe, and a white shirt with a black tie. My mom gushed when I came out of the dressing room.
"Aww Edward you look so dashing."
I was embarrassed but nevertheless took it.
Yet I was more excited to see what Marie would wear.
Me, Eddy, Marie, Ed, Sarah, and Rachel all met up at school.
Eddy looked snazzy in a blue suit with a black tie, it was his style and Sarah even complimented him on it. Eddy was good at that stuff, being very flashy and tacky but ending up looking damn good in the process. Ed and Rachel were wearing black and pink, and Marie flashed me an "I told you so" kind of look for their color combination. I was relieved by Marie's dress choice, it was stunning, it was a black and white halter dress, white fabric on top, and black tulle coming out the bottom. Her dress was beaded with white and crystal colored beads and sequins throughout the bottom and around the top of the dress. She wore white gold dangling chandelier earrings with diamonds in them and a bracelet with a heart on it, and a necklace... the one I had given her.
The limo arrived at about 6:30. It was the Hummer kind, and we all looked kind of bewildered at why Eddy chose the biggest one for only six people.
I inquired this and he just winked and said "Gotta make a good impression right?"
We all laughed and made our way in.
The dance started at 7:00 and dinner was served at 7:30, although it was a bland mixture of regular wedding/prom/etc. food it was pretty decent, considering everyone was too excited to dance.
At about 8:00 the music started and about 300 people ran towards the dance floor. Everyone at our table left.
Marie looked at me and grinned "Want to dance"
I looked down at my shoes "I uh-uh don't dance"
She got up smiled and grabbed my hand and pushed me onto the dance floor.
It took me a while to get used to how teenagers dance these days, but I guess it was just considered sex with clothes on. After about 30 minutes a popular song came on and me and Marie were pushed into the middle of the dance floor. I brushed up against her. The black and white pattern of her dress mesmerized me as her body grinded up against me.
I felt her.
Her warm body was the closest it's ever been to me since elementary.
Her dress swayed admist the beat of the song.
Sweat.
Promiscuous girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need
The sound of the music resounded in my ears. The beat was throbbing to the same one of my heart.
She ran her hands along the sides of my pants.
I stood as still as I could.
"Marie"
I whispered in her ear, and turned her around.
"Please.."
I brought her arms up to my shoulders, took my fingers and smoothed them over her lips, and she shuddered. She lifted her head up to face me a little better, she wasn't that tall. Her eyes were deep black, like pools of dark water. Her lips were soft and luxuriously shaped.
She was in her own way the epitome of beautiful sophistication.
After the prom, Marie and I followed Eddy and Ed into their limo and decided to go with them to their hotel suite.
"Man you guys are gonna love it, my dad bought the entire top floor, meaning rooftop pool access for only us, it's gonna be sweet." Eddy smiled, ever since his dad won the lotto a few years back he had been the richest man in the city.
Ed clutched his date's hand. "Rachel do you know how to swim."
The cute blonde airhead shaked her head disdainfully "My parents never taught me how, I was always afraid that a shark would get into our pool..."
Eddy and Sarah shook their heads. This was in the middle of America, there was no ocean or large bodies of water nearby for there to ever be any sharks. Ever.
Marie moved from the seat next to me and sat next to Sarah who was fanning herself with a self made paper fan. They talked about Sarah's blue dress which Eddy had bought her. It was not quite as beautiful as Sarah's although it slightly had the same structure.
When I realized what I was thinking I became worried.
I thought Marie Kanker was the most gorgeous person I had ever laid eyes on, and for the first time I was actually scared what might happen next.
The hotel was top notch 5 star quality. I assumed that Eddy would've gone all out to impress Sarah, even though she was already so smitten by him. Marie grabbed my hand as we walked out the limo and ran me into the lobby as fast as possible. The red and gold decorations blinded me after being in the dark for so long.
I heard Eddy call out "Double D! We'll be in Room 987"
Marie smiled and yelled "We'll see you guys later"
She pushed me into a long hallway and stopped for a moment.
"Finally, Rachel was driving me crazy" she sighed.
I raised an eyebrow at her. "Is that really why you wanted to leave." She got closer to me and said seductively in my ear "Maybe..."
I gulped.
The elevator dinged, and about 10 drunken classmates of ours stepped out. 4 girls, 6 guys, they mumbled "Class of 2006" incoherently and passed out of the room.
Marie and I giggled and went to the 11th floor.
The sky was electric, and the air was hot. It was the type of heat were standing outside for more than 10 minutes would make you begin to sweat. We were on top of the most expensive building in the city, and on one of the most important nights of our high school lives to even add to the mystique of the entire thing.
She sat next to the pool and motioned for me to get next to her. I looked out towards the lights and the skyscrapers around us for one last time and took my seat next to her.
"I want to thank you, for taking me here, for being my friend, for giving me another chance." Her voice was filled with gratitude.
Astounded by the sincerity and honesty in her voice I managed to pull out a "You're welcome."
She gave me a sexy grin and pushed me into the pool.
Within seconds I became cold, but it felt good. And when I re-emerged from the depths of the pool. I looked up at her and just said breathlessly. "Oh my God, I can't believe you just did that."
She smiled and tugged at the strings that held her dress together, "But Double D, I did." She whispered in a sultry voice.
Her dress slid down in seconds, revealing her black bra and panties. I turned around and blushed, as she jumped in the pool.
When she resurfaced next to me I grabbed her and pulled her under. She struggled as I did and when I came up before her I was laughing, and she frowned. "I can't believe you just did that!" she said mocking me.
I imitated her voice and pushed her up against the walls of the pool, "But Marie, I did."
She seemed confused and amazed when I did this, and drew me closer to her so that she was pinned against the wall with my body. My competition for self control was slowly slipping as I felt the pressure of her thin frame against my own. I felt the heat of her breath on my neck as her arms went around it, and everytime I moved I heard her whimper softly into my ear.
She was driving me crazy. I kissed her cheek gently and waited for her to face me. In her own way she looked scared but all she did was grin at me, with that seductiveness that only she could own. Then without any further warning I kissed her. The first few moments tenderly, but after a while with passion. She opened her mouth and stuck her tongue in mine and it just drove me to the edge.
This need.
This want.
This was so unlike me.
In a few minutes we were out of the pool and on a medley of towels. She was pressed against the softness with my own body. I felt her writhe beneath me and soon all I could hear were her moans as I kissed her neck and went lower until I pulled off every piece of clothing I could. Her body was milky white and contrasted with the dark of the night. She looked like a goddess, like Aphrodite in all her magnificent glory. And when it became my turn I sighed with exstacy as she did the exact same thing to me, almost.
The sensual curves of her skin, the places that I never ever thought I would touch on any woman, let alone Marie.
Each touch, each hot kiss, each moment was savored in all its radiance.
The fire that burned between us, between two lonely souls. Reaching out.
I kissed her before she walked into the door of her trailer. She smiled, "Good night Double D." Her voice carried me as I walked to my car and drove home in a daze.
When I walked into the house my mother was sound asleep on the couch and I pulled a blanket over her and sat there. My eyelids felt heavy as I examined the room.
3:42 AM. The clock blinked.
That was the last thing I saw before I fell asleep.
But spring came bearing sunlight
Those persuasive rays
So I gave myself
A few more days
My salvation, it came
Quite suddenly
When Justin spoke
Very plainly
He said, "Of course it's your decision
But just so you know
If you decide to leave
Soon I will follow"
Then it all went to hell.
I was in Ethics when Nazz brushed up against me.
"Ohh.. Double D." she whispered into my ear.
I froze. My voice trembled "Yes, Nazz?"
She sat down in front of me. "I'm having a little party-" she grabbed my arm and started writing her address down. "Make sure to bring your girlfriend." And with that she sauntered off into the depths of her own world.
At 8:00 I picked up Marie and she seemed worried.
"Double D, I honestly don't know why were going here, she doesn't even like me." Marie said.
"Don't worry about it" I replied. "If she didn't like you why would've she invited you?"
She sank back into her car seat, "I guess your right."
The night was quiet, as if trying to warn us of danger ahead. But I kept driving up into the unknown.
When we reached Nazz's house about 10 jocks were spilled out onto her front lawn. All passed out from the massive amounts of beer or weed they had been using. Marie look disgusted and held my hand and led me to the back gate.
"Go in-" she nudged me.
The first few seconds of that party were hazy. I remembered Nazz walking towards me in a short skirt and a black halter, she pushed Marie away from me and kissed me as hard as she could. I felt the blood drip from my lips.
Nazz who was drunk as hell shouted "Tell her Double D! The only reason why you decided to talk to that ugly loner."
I pushed Nazz off me "What are you doing? Do you even know what you're talking about?" I knelt down to offer Marie my hand but she wouldn't take it. Marie's eyes were wide with horror.
She whispered softly "What is she talking about, about the only reason why you decided to talk to me?"
Nazz came from behind me and slurred "It's because of a project, because he had no choice, which is stupid because he could of chose me." I felt her hands slide around my shoulders and she breathed on my neck, I could smell the gin on her breath and it made me sick "I always liked you Double D..." She giggled and sauntered off.
Marie was still sitting on the floor but she wouldn't touch me. And for a second I felt like I was in 8th grade again, but this time, I hurt her more.
The tears started rolling down her face, one after the other, and they wouldn't stop.
"Make up your damn mind, what do you want a saint or a reality? Do you want the real me or the condensed version, because I changed Double D! Ever since 8th grade I tried to be the person you wanted me to be, like Nazz or whoever the hell you liked, so just maybe you would talk to me... and the sad part is you did it cause you had too, because you had no other choice!" She was yelling and this was the first time I had ever heard her retaliate against me.
"I understand Marie but-" I tried to reason.
"No you don't understand! Go retreat behind your books, or your friends, or your chemistry sets. I was so wrong for believing. You break things. You take things and destroy them or leave them empty." Marie yelled.
Her eyes started welling up with tears and she just clenched her fists.
"In the end you can hide, behind the things that keep you going. Your vast carelessness." She whispered.
I couldn't hold it in, even though I tried my hardest. Until I burst out yelling, "Don't you ever turn your back on me, you're so selfish, how do you think I felt, to have to talk to one of the people I hated the most in the world? I became your friend, wasn't that enough? I gave up things for you, hanging out with my friends. Are you telling me I wasted it? You think I break things? Look at what you've done."
Marie just walked towards the door we entered through.
"No, you didn't do those things for me, you did it because you had too." She replied softly.
I heard the door slam behind me.
I wrote this for a baby
Who has yet to be born
My brother's first child I hope that womb's not too warm
Cause it's cold out here
And it will be quite a shock
To breathe this air
To discover loss
Her voice broke my daydream.
"Edward."
"Yes Mrs. Whitall?" I lazily drawled.
"There's a note for you." She handed it to me.
I looked at it, written on a blue paper, it had no name but I immediately knew who it was. It took me forever to unfold it, I don't know why but I was scared, and looking back on it makes me think it was one of the scariest moments of my life.
"Whether or not you choose to listen to me hear me out.
For once just listen to me, aside from your preconceived notions.
I know you'll call me a coward for making someone else send it.
But I know if I did it myself you wouldn't even give it the time of day.
You have to understand, that everything I do has a reason. But I learned to hate you, for things you did, for things you have done, and probably things you will continue to do.
But that's how we are and always were. We hate each other then get over it.
that's why it pains me so much to write this.
Because honestly I am happy for you. I am happy that there is something better out there for you. As you have so plainly stated time and time again. After you said you'd never compromise things. But that doesn't matter.
I hate carrying all these grudges against people.
I guess sometimes I just want you to be happy for me I don't want to look back at high school and say "I hated senior year" just because of you. Because honestly you meant that much to me. Enough for when everything happened it to ruin every memory I've ever had of this place.
Because when you lose something, it just destroys you, especially when you loved it so much.
I really tried.
I really did.
And I'm sorry.
But that never was enough for you was it?
No matter how many times I said it.
Well, I'm sorry for everything for the year you thought you wasted and you want to forget, for elementary, for all the stupid things I did.
It was the only thing to me that was real.
I'm sorry for making mistakes.
I'm sorry for not making you happy enough.
I'm sorry that I just wasn't good enough for you.
I'm sorry for trying so hard.
I'm sorry I wasted your time.
I'm sorry for caring.
I'm sorry I loved you.
I'm so sorry.
-Marie"
And after that I knew what I had to do.
The days leading up to my graduation seemed like such a blur, There was a sea of blue and white in the auditorium. And all my friends with their newfound loves sat away from me, isolating me to the front of the hall, where I sat alone.
After the regular graduation speeches, and teary eyed moments, it was finally my turn to speak. My principal announced into the microphone.
"Now for a few words from our valedictorian."
There were a few claps and shouts from the audience, but no one really knew me and I didn't expect much.
I walked up the stairs of the auditorium in silence. I tried not to look at everyone in the crowd. But when I reached the podium, I knew what I should've said, but instead I said how I really felt.
"Look.." The speaker boomed with my first word. "I came here, with a great speech in hand about what we should all be doing in college. About what will happen later in our lives, about how we should all try our hardest there. But..."
I looked out in the crowd, and they all sat there. Not one sound was heard.
"You see, everytime I make things, I break them. Not on purpose, but I have this habit of ruining everything, I guess I was just selfish, and I know most of you know me for that. I wonder... why life is always so impossible to understand. How can one person turn your entire world upside down? How can one someone you've never even gotten the chance to know, make you want to be a better person? These days have ended, and our memories and dreams will be lingering in the halls, some forgotten, and some always to be remembered. I don't know about you, but I don't want to look back and see that I made mistakes, because believe me, I know we all have. But when you look back at this school... just do me a favor, think of one person, one person who was special to you, that whenever you saw them everyday it brought a smile to your face. We looked forward to school because they were there, and because they were there it opened up our eyes."
I looked at Marie.
"Nothing would've been the same without her. I wouldn't have been the same without her. She became a part of me, and no matter what, she always will be. So when we go, just remember... how we all lived our lives, how the winds of fate brought us together, and now it's time to move on, but never forget. Those who changed us."
The podium seemed shinier in the cold of the auditorium. It was hotter than hell outside, and I started to leave the emptiness of the stage.
One sound of applause was heard in the crowd, then more. Each one of my classmates stood up, even the parents in the back gave me a standing ovation. But I just went back down the steps and walked out.
There was nothing left for me to say.
So I'd like to make some changes
Before you arrive
So when your new eyes meet mine
They won't see no lies
Just love
I will be pure
No, no, I know I will be pure
Like snow
Like gold
Like snow
In September I started packing my bags, my parents were downstairs busy as usual. My room seemed to be surreal to me. It was so quiet and bare. My blue carpet and curtains looked plainer than ever, and the furniture was cleaned immaculately. This was the last time I would ever be here. I reached down to pick up the box under my bed.
It was a cardboard box, a shoebox, the brand was scratched out with a knife, but it was replaced with another label. Ethics.
My face felt hot, and my eyes started to burn.
And for the first time in my life, that I ever remembered.
I cried.
Marie left my life, like the first time she walked down the hallway and her perfume permeated the air. It was a beautiful moment that interrupted the chaos, but unless you went after it. You would loose all traces of it.
I would go back to it though, the shelling up of myself. I would just need to give it time. Eventually I'd be able to be patterned with everything. I'd see no need for disorder, or breaks, or vacations, or love.
Because you can't count on any of those things. And without her I was so scared to confront it.
To tell you the truth I tried to hide it, because the reason why I hated myself the most is because being with her was the only thing in my entire life that mattered to me, and I ruined it.
Fear.
But yet fear of what?
Rejection?
Chaos?
Instability?
Fear that the only person who could ever fill your heart didn't want you. Fear that it might not work, or that it just wasn't part of the plan.
But I was done with fear. And she was gone.
I loaded the last of my boxes into the car, and sat on the curb. It was an overcast day, but it was slightly on the darker side, no light shone through the clouds. I heard a plane buzz in my ear, off to some unknown destination, finally getting out of this town. I laid down on the grass of my lawn, it was still kind of wet from the sprinklers that were on quite a while ago, but I couldn't move. I felt paralyzed, and I just looked towards the horizon.
After a few minutes I saw a lone figure walking towards me.
White tube summer dress, knee length. Black All-Star Converse. Gray hoodie.
My eyes weren't focusing as well as I hoped.
Had the angel of death come to save me?
I just knelt my head back on the grass. The footsteps, that unrecognizable pattern. Left. Right. Left. Right. They stopped suddenly and when I looked up I saw the face of my savior.
"It's you." I had finally manage to breathe out.
She smiled and shrugged. "It's me." she said. Her sweet voice...
"What are you doing here?" I questioned.
She looked up to the sky. "I guess I wanted to say goodbye."
I was disappointed. "Then goodbye I guess.."
"Yeah.." she just murmured out. "Well look at the time, I guess you should be going soon, wouldn't want to get you stuck in traffic."
Her face disappeared from my view, and the pattern went on again. Left. Right. Left. But I wouldn't let it.
I got up off the grass, and she was several feet in front of me.
I wouldn't let her get away, not this time.
"You know Marie," I called out towards her. "it won't be easy with me. It's going to take a lot of work, it's going to make us both cry, it's going to give us times when we're going to both want to quit, but I'll keep going, only if you will, because I'd do anything for you."
She froze dead in her tracks, and turned around slowly.
"I love you. Always have, and I always will." And I meant it.
Her pretty face, that smile, the hair, those eyes. Looking at me. They were close to me again, just like they always should be. I held her hand as we moved towards the porch of my house.
The rain started.
"Serene...?" She held out her palm.
I smiled "You know that's a sign"
She stuck out her tongue. "And what does that mean"
I pulled her closer and gave her kiss on her cheek. "It could mean that it might be smoother than we expected." I kissed her other cheek. "It might mean that we are just having really good weather." I kissed her lips. "Or it might mean that this was meant to happen."
"I like the last one better Double D." Marie smiled.
"Me too."
All my life I've waited. This is true.
Complete.